Don't read this.

Went to a dinner theater tonight.
I was in dark jeans and a black t-shirt. It took me about 45 minutes to choose this simple outfit. Everything I tried on, made me feel fatter. I hated the way it fit. I wanted something "nice" but also something plain. I settled on the black t-shirt. I didn't think it was that bad. But my grandma got upset as soon as she saw me. She said I didn't look nice enough.
She suggested that I wear this orange shirt, one I never wear anymore. I didn't think it was in any way nicer, and I hate it because it makes me look fat. Not that she knew that. In the end, my cousin's girlfriend lent me a nice shirt to wear. I was so grateful. But it felt awkward. She has really pretty clothes, but she's 5'2 and a lot heavier than I am. Nevertheless, she is an amazing role model to me. She might be overweight, but she is happy. Like really and truly happy. I can't explain how I know this, but I do. She is happy. I admire that.
Then I got forced into dinner. It's a long story. She has asked me if I have "eating problems" because I like to skip meals. When I'm genuinely not hungry. Completely un-ED related. Anyways, I had to eat to keep her off my case. Which only made things worse, to me. I couldn't even stand to sit down. I hate my stomach when I sit. It was everything I could do not to get up and run out of that house. Run away, and run until I couldn't breathe, until I was far away from everyone.
I didn't even want to go tonight. I did it to make my grandma happy. I just wish that she would stop talking to me. I know that's extreme, but it's true. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her. I snap at everything she says. I'm sarcastic, and snarky, and rude. I know this, but I have no desire to change it. Whenever she talks to me, I get mad. Doesn't matter what she says. I just hate when she talks to me. This is who I have become.

I have a new found desire to avoid eating. I basically have about 28 days to lose as much weight as I can. So that means eating basically nothing. I start clean tomorrow. I might post progress about how I'm doing, but I don't want to bother anyone. It might help to keep me on track. I haven't binged for about 3 days now. I hope it stays that way. Usually, I can get into a "I already ate once, so I might as well keep going to punish myself." kind of mindset. It's so detrimental. I'm working on changing that.
I don't know how things will go when I am in Hawaii. With my dad there, it will be so much harder to skip meals. But hopefully we'll be doing a lot of walking around. Does anyone have any tips for skipping meals on vacation? I have never had to do it... and I am scared I'll give in. God, I'm so weak. I still haven't figured out how to avoid the guilt of wasting food, but that guilt is nothing compared to the self hate I feel towards myself, or the guilt I would feel.
Ugh.

I just want out. Away from my family. Away from everyone I know here. I don't want any reminders, or any connection. I want to be someone different than who I am. I don't want to be me. Anything would be better than this. Anyone.
When it gets closer to the end of the school year, I'm going to dye my hair, cut it off, and be crazy. I'm going to reinvent myself, lose a ton of weight over the summer, and finally reach 120 to be skinny by my senior year.
Well.... maybe.
A girl can dream, right?
And dream I shall.

I did enjoy the dinner theater. This guy that was sitting near me kept checking me out, and it was such a confidence booster. I mean, to know that it was possible to be attractive, even when I feel like I look like the size of a house.
But I guess tomorrow is a new day.

My dad is being an ass again. Ugh. That's my cue to go upstairs and ignore him. Whatever. Hope everyone is doing well. I can't wait for Saturday. (: