Lies

I need to think here for a moment.
I've lied so much in recent times (last 6 months). Hell, in the last year and a half.
But so much has happened in the last year and a half.
-Lost someone
R.I.P grandma - whom I wanted to know but never got the chance to.

- Got kicked out of my house - I still hate my dad, to this day. 8 months, baby. Not soon enough.

- Got forced back to my dad's house - Never wanted to come back.

- Was discovered as a cutter - only made me cut more, trust less, embrace my inner Ana

- Started hanging with my mom - Probably the best/most risky idea I've had. See, it's illegal. She could go to jail for it. My dad would kill me. Literally, no joke.

- Started smoking weed - Best/worst decision I have ever made.

- My grandpa had a heart attack - So glad he's okay, but still, more lies.

- Tried and failed to OD - Guess I didn't try hard enough.

- Found out my mom has cancer, both liver and breast. Cue more lies, all on my part.

Those are just the big things. I'm sure there are more.
I lie about so many things. I've found it really shocking when I actually DO tell the truth, simply because it is such a rare occasion.
Lying is my game. Keeping secrets is my specialty. Lying comes easily to me. Sometimes I'm proud of that, most of the time I'm not.
The only person I have no nor desire to lie to is my boyfriend. Don't ask me why.

I just... Everything is taking it's toll on me.
Lying about hanging with my mom almost got me caught. My grandpa dropped me off near a spot he knows, and sometime before that my mouth asked him about a bus route to her town, without my heads permission. I don't want to get her caught, and I don't want to get caught myself.

It's kinda like if one of my lies is found out, than so are the rest. So I have to be careful..

I lied about my grandma's passing to my immediate family. Though they knew about her passing, and we went to the viewing, I told them that I didn't remember her (from my childhood), and that her passing didn't bother me.
Truth: I do remember her from my childhood, and I was really affected by her passing. I'd wanted to know her but never got the chance to. I live with my dad's side of the family, and my grandma was on my mom's side. Which should explain why I never got to see her. My family wasn't too keen on her or her family.

I lied about things when I got kicked out. I lied to my grandparents about wanting to try again with my dad and about moving back. They were so hopeful, and in the end before I moved back they said that if I wasn't willing to try with my dad, then I couldn't live with them either. So I lied.
Truth: I never wanted to see that man again (still hate him).

I lied to my 'therapist' about a lot of things. I never admitted to her how much I exercised and how much I actually ate. She thought it had something to do with my mood swings, I disagreed. Whatever. Eventually after 8 weeks of her bullshit, I said I was cured and happy and that I never wanted to see her again.

I lied about being a cutter. Or I tried to. My dad has pretty much forgotten everything I told him, and we're back to square one. I'm still cutting, he's still being an asshole. The only new addition is that I have to hide better since he knows I'm a cutter now.

I lied about my mom. I swore up and down that I didn't ever want to see her again and that even though she had cancer, it didn't bother me. I thought that I felt that way,a nd I thought that I meant it. It's what they wanted to hear.
Truth: Some part of me did want to see her again. Her cancer did bother me, because it means less time to spend catching up with the mother I never had and only sometimes wanted.

I lie about smoking weed, because if people knew I smoked, such as my dad, he would flip a bitch. For one, it's illegal for me since I'm 17. For two, he would only add it to the list of reasons why I'm like my brother, or like my mom. Not that he needs any more reasons..

I lied when my grandpa had a heart attack because I used that as an excuse to get out of school. He DID actually have a heart attack, and it did bother me, but nonetheless I lied.

I lied about OD'ing too. I lied about why I did it, and that I didn't want to do it again. I lied and said all the things that they wanted to hear. But I didn't mean any of it. Some part of me might want to live, yes, but I can't deny that I really don't wnat to live it.

Lying is pretty much second nature to me. I guess I can't deny that. But at the same time, I can't also prove that it's true.