Random pain..

I have this weird pain in my chest. It’s like when I breathe in, I get a sharp pain right underneath my collarbones, and I can’t breathe. It’s literally so painful, for a few moments, that it feels like I've been stabbed. I don’t know why. It’s not a side effect of anything, and it started yesterday. Though it’s definitely gotten worse today. I don’t know what to do about it. It doesn't have a pattern; it’s not triggered by anything that I can tell. It just happens. I just want it to go away. I know I’m dehydrated, and I need to start drinking more water, I’m gaining weight because of this. I drank a shit load of sweet tea yesterday, last night and this morning. It’s so good, but not at the same time. How much do I have to drink to not be dehydrated anymore? Ahhh! >.< Anyways, this is interrupting me writing my English essay,  so I’m going to get back to that and not get so distracted. I hope this pain goes away soon. Toodles! ^_^

Perfect Tuesday!

I don't know what it is. I really don't. Last night I paced through my room reading a book and listening to music, for about 3 hours. I couldn't sit down. I had so much energy. Even when I wanted to stop, I kept going. And I'll admit, it felt good. It felt good to feel myself using energy, starting to feel hungry.
Which is weird, as I start getting hungry at random times now.

I finally fell asleep at about 12 am. Then I decided that I would wake up at 5:30 this morning, and take a shower, and take my time getting ready for school. It felt amazing.and I wasn't tired at all. I was in the best mood, and my shower made it even better. And then I still had time to get to school, and I was in no rush. The whole way on the bus going to school, I was listening to my music, and having the best time ever. I don't know why. I don't care about what I weighed, and today when I got dressed, I actually liked what I saw in the mirror. There was no "You need to lose weight here" or "You're not good enough" or anything like that. I like my reflection today. I have no idea what's going on, but I promise I'm not on drugs.

I have been reading 50 Shades of Freed, and I'm so excited that I get to read it. I love these books! I know they are all the hype right now, but I do really like them. There's just something about they way they are written and the story line, I like them. Sure, some say it's like Twilight, but I like those books too, so oh well! (:

My dad bought our tickets to got to Hawaii! I am so excited, I get to spend two weeks there. On the beaches, having a nice time in the sun, while it snows here. I swear, my weather here is Bipolar. One morning   it's snowing and freezing outside, then in the afternoon, it's like 70 degrees. I don't understand it.
So I'm super super excited to go to Hawaii in January for 2 weeks!

I have no work to do for most of my classes, and therefore I can just relax. I don't actually want to go to any of my classes today, except maybe psychology and Algebra II. Otherwise, I'd rather just ditch them. But I'll go anyways, it can't hurt.

I also found out that my counselor hasn't been ignoring me. She was worried about me enough to go ask my friend how I was doing, and if I was okay. I don't want to go talk to her just yet. Not until my arm has healed, because I'm scared I'll tell her everything, and I don't want that right now. I am finally in a good place, and I'd love to see the results on Friday. It's not been entirely successful, but at the same time, I guess that's how it should be.
I want to go talk to her but I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if I should. I'm gonna think about it and see hoe it goes later. No point in worrying about it today.

Today is a very good, day, and while I don't know why it is this way, I am going to enjoy it and have fun! (^-^)

Me today!

Pictures! (:

Remember: There is one thing you can do better than anyone else on this planet. One thing that nobody can ever come close to being. And that's you.

Almost Monday.. Again!

I woke up really really late today, and I couldn't believe it. I hated it, actually. I feel so sluggish and slow now. But maybe getting active, going for a run, and staying busy will help with that.

I didn't get to hang out with a friend today, she didn't ever get back to me on hanging out. Well whatever, I'll just enjoy my "me" time today. I could use some of that.

I do have some homework that I've got to get done, but I'm in no hurry to do it. I am not stressed out, or negative, and I'm enjoying it. I've found motivation to get back on track, and so far, it's mostly gone really well!

Now, all I have to work on is being kinder to my friends, not pushing them away 100%. I don't know why I did that, other than that I don't have the energy to maintain my friendships, and that everything they do irritates me. I gotta get over that. Still combating the negative thoughts. (:

I have had a good weekend so far, I feel ready to go back to school, but not till tomorrow.

I don't even know.

This is a failed attempt at writing out my thoughts, hopefully some of it makes sense.

You've only got so many days, so why not make every day worth living for? <3

Randomness... again!

I miss running.
Have I said that before?
I don't think I have.

I MISS RUNNING.

There. I've said it.

I think I'm going to try to go for a run today, just because I want to.
But other than that, I just want to relax. I am in the mood to clean, and blast music. I'll finally do my chores, and clean my room, and have a good day. I am not going to worry about eating, or what I weigh, or how I look. I'm not going to worry about myself at all today.

I am hopefully going to hang out with a friend of mine tomorrow, I really need to hang out with friends. I've never hung out with this particular friend, as we didn't used to live so close. But then I found out that she moved really close, and now I want to hang out with her. She is such an inspiration to me, because even with everything she's gone through, she still stands strong. I want to be like that.

I've started writing poetry again, and I wrote this really good poem that I was so proud of, and then I misplaced it and now I can't find it. Grr. I can't believe that.

I am finally caught up in school, so that is free from my weekend. I don't have any plans really for doing anything, other than relaxing, and breathing. I am trying to take life one day at a time.

Yesterday I was at the Denver Art Museum, and we were looking at the Dinosaur Exhibit. And there's this one part where if you look at the Dinosaur, you can see an Elk riding the Dino! It was pretty amazing! :D It made me smile, and I tried to take a picture, but I couldn't because it was too dark there.

I am also trying to combat the negative thoughts in my head. Like tell myself the opposite of whatever negative though I am thinking at that moment, to try to be more positive. I think it might actually be working. And I am trying to keep it that way. :D

Just thought I'd write out everything, since I've been having a lot of negative days lately, and I wanted to express a positive one!

Quotation!

Why? You want to know why? Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight. Smoke gunpowder, and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and worst of all "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop. Look in the mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.

Yo-yo

I feel like I'm a yo yo.
Only here's how my yoyo works:
I eat a lot, then feel like shit for the next few days, then restrict, and then eat something, and panic, and do something self destructive, then eat a lot, then restrict, then eat something small, then panic, then do something self destructive, etc.

I know this is not good.
I never said it was good.

It's just how I am, how I go through my life. Looking at everything, but not really anything. Trying to make it through one day at a time. One day means I'm okay. All while trying my hardest to get to my goal.

Tomorrow is a restrict day. Which means I'm only allowed to drink liquids. I'm also getting the chance to weigh myself tomorrow, so then maybe I'll like what I see.

I haven't been running much, it's getting colder. It's supposed to snow tomorrow and the day after that, so no more running. I need to find a substitute. I hate the cold, but I'm not willing to become a vegetable again. I need to move.

I wish there was someone here that I could text, or something, someone going through all of this shit that could understand everything. It's not something you can understand unless you've been through it, and not to push people away if they haven't been through it. They can still understand it, but it's just in a different way.

I hate Winter. I'm always cold. Always. I can never get warm, no matter how many layers I have.

This is a rambling post. It's more for me than for anyone...

Some people I go to school with are starting to look on Blogspot, so I'm scared they'll find my blog. I don't want any of them to know, especially not my friends. So I might be changing my name here, if I can figure out how.

Now it's more homework time, as that's all I've been doing for the past 3 days. Woo. I'm also going to take a hot shower, and try to destress.

Zombie Crawl!

My Zombie Crawl dress before destroyed!

K and I's makeup

Zombie!

Batman!

At first, I thought these guys were fer real..

This was a man...

Busy Busy Busy!

I have gotten a lot of work done today, but it seems that there's always more to do. I don't seem to have any time to relax, and it's only Monday. I've got a lot of tests coming up, and catching up on work from the last 3 weeks is so much to do.
I miss sleeping in in the mornings, but now I have to use my off hour to do work. And I usually stay after school.
But it's worth it. My grades have improved a lot so far, and I know that they can get back to where they were. I haven't done anything around my house in the last few weeks, I'm surprised my dad hasn't said anything about it.

He is planning on going to Hawaii in January, for about 12 days. I am so excited, we get to go see volcanoes, and the islands, and I get to be on the beach in 80 weather in the middle of my Winter.
What could be better??

I am so looking forward to this, but not the amount of work that I'm going to have to do when I get back. Time to think about that later though!

Today was a pretty good day, and I hope tomorrow is as well. :D

Mondays normally suck...

But not today! (:

I feel like I can really start kicking this thing in the ass. Like getting back on top of school, trying not to let my anxiety and ED get in the way of everything.

I need the distraction.

I am so sore from Saturday, and it's a good kind of pain. Every time I take a step, or get up, or move at all really, it hurts. But that just means that I've started to build muscle really. Not that that was my goal, but yeah. It is kinda nice, because when I start Winterguard again, it would be nice to not have to go through all the pain of building the muscle.

I'm thinking of going to the library after school to work, to finally get all my work done. I've got an English Essay I forgot to turn in on Friday... So I am for sure going to turn it in today. Even now, as I write this, I'm doing Psych homework.

I've gotta say, it feels kinda nice to get back to doing my work. It gives me a purpose, something to work towards. Instead of allowing me to wallow in my head, I can actually do something. I got this.

Wow. Mood change much?

I guess it's not a bad thing, as now my mood is good, happy, strong, etc. But nonetheless, that was a huge jump from the last few weeks. Maybe I'm not such a negative person. I can be positive too!

Today, I realized that all in all, I don't have that much work to do. I guess I haven't missed that much, in my time of inhabiting my head instead of the outside world. So basically, tuning out the world. Not giving a fuck.
So I'm gonna try to get all of my work done and make this week the least stressful week, so I can have more time to exercise more time to relax. (:
I've realized, just now, that i'm tired of being sad, angry, upset, negative, etc. all the time. I need to laugh, and smile, and be happy, but without my friends. That, I need a break from. Just for a while. I can do this. I will get that girl back, and life will be worth living again. It just takes time.

I'm really in need of some new music, so if anyone has any suggestions, comment below please! I listen to pretty much any kind of music, but not so much rap. Even that's iffy though, as I've begun to love "Till I Collapse" by Eminem. Weird, right?

Not entirely sure where my good mood has come from, but whatever! I'm just gonna go with it!
Hope everyone has a good day, I'll write more later, as well as post pictures from Homecoming and the Zombie Crawl! ^_^

I like the message, but the guy in the background is a little.... stupid.
Like that's the only reason the the main reason why we all hold on.
I disagree.

Deadly Beauty - Faces Without Names

This is my all time favorite song right now. The lyrics are so inspiring, and they keep me going, keep me okay.

My "Best friend" isn't a best friend. I was so excited about going to the Zombie Crawl, and also going to Homecoming. I was looking forward to it. But now I wish I hadn't gone.
When we were getting ready for the Zombie Crawl, it was great. I was excited, I looked pretty horrifying. I'll post pictures later. But I had so much fun, and I was excited. So many people there were looking insane as in they had wicked costumes and stuff, as Zombies, Zombie Hunters, or even Survivors. The Survivors were getting tackled and chased by the Zombies, and it was so much fun to watch. I didn't look that scary, I tried. I was supposed to have died in a nightclub, burned to death. I think I should have used more blood.
But it was so much fun. Then I got home, and took a shower and stuff to get ready for Homecoming, and went to meet my friend at her house, so we could go do our nails, makeup, and hair. My grandma and I ended up having a small argument, because I was having issues with my hair, and we didn't have a hairdryer. She wouldn't let me curl my hair while it was still wet, so I ended up having to do it at K's house. (K is my "Best friend")
We got ready, and it was so much fun. I actually thought I looked really pretty.

When we got into the dance, there were 4 of us. K, I, and 2 other friends. One of the other friends and I went to dance, and we had fun. K and the other friend didn't want to dance and be crazy. I was having fun, and that's what I was trying to do, seeing as all the couples there made me sad. They kept playing slow songs too. I hated those, because I couldn't even be crazy then. Anyways.

Then K and one of our friends left, I don't know where they went. And the friend who was dancing with me didn't want to, she kept texting all night. She didn't want to dance and have fun, she just wanted to be on her phone. It made me mad, I'll admit.

When we left at 11, I found out that K had spent about half the dance in the auditorium, away from everyone. And I felt bad. But all she kept saying was that she didn't have fun, that she didn't want to go, that it was stupid. That everything about it sucked, and all this negative stuff. I wanted to just scream  shut the hell up! If you weren't going to have a good time, you shouldn't have gone!!!" Anyways, I was supposed to spend the night at K's house, but she kept ignoring me. Like she went to eat, and just left me on the couch. But whatever. Then she came in and was like "I'm going to bed. Turn the TV off when you come up." and I thought that was rude because I was only staying up because she was there. So we both went to bed, and then she kept telling me to do stuff when I wanted to, but that she was gonna go to sleep. And that made me mad, because I didn't even want to do anything! I just wanted to go to bed, and I was tired as fuck. I didn't have anything to change into, so I ended up sleeping in my dress. -___-

This morning, she woke up and went to look at kittens with her mom, and just ignored me. I wasn't talking to her because I was pissed off at her, not that she knew. She made breakfast, and when I told her I wasn't hungry, she just ignored me. She went back to her moms room to look at kittens, as if I didn't even exist. And that made me mad, because I'm supposed to be hanging out with her!!! Ugh. So I just wanted to go home. Which is exactly what I did. I called my grandpa and asked him to come get me.

I can't even talk to her about anything anymore. The last time I tried talking to her about my Eating Disorder, and how I felt, she got mad at me and basically shut me out. That's what everyone is doing. And it really makes me feel like shit, because they obviously don't think that I'm in need of help. I can't even cry. So many times I've felt like bursting into tears,and I get the thick throat, but no tears will fall. And I think that's the one release I need right now. I haven't lost any weight, or I guess I can't tell anymore. My scale's messed up. Every time I eat, I want to self harm, or run or scream, or die. I can't even purge anymore. Don't ask me why, I don't know. But I can't.
I am not better, but I'm not getting worse.
I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I don't know what to say.
My grandma's forgotten about the counselor, and I don't know when I'll be able to talk to my school counselor again. I'm afraid to say certain things to her.

The only person that could really help is Lovely, and even she's got her own problems to deal with. So I don't blame her for not being able to talk to me whenever I need her. I wish there was more that I could do for her though. She is such an amazing person.

School is starting to reflect my moods. I can't focus, I haven't turned in many assignments, I don't care anymore. I failed two tests in Spanish, and one in Chem. I am currently failing 3 classes, and I hate it. I can't tell you that enough. But I guess that's my new normal. I hate this. I don't know what fighting means anymore. I'm tired of saying it. I can't say it enough. I just want to disappear things to be better. But I know it's up to me to get them there. Whatever.....
__________________________________

I hate this. I hate that I'm so dependent upon people, that I need people. It's got nothing to do with who they are, but I just hate that I have to talk to them, that I need them.

That I can't be strong without them.
I used to be able to. I used to be strong, independent, spontaneous, fun, crazy, happy, etc.

What happened to that girl?

I miss her. I want her back. I would do anything to get her back.

But I think that the me I am now, and that person I used to be, will never be the same person. Will never be one and the same again. I think it's impossible for us to co-exist. It's one or the other. I'd choose her any day. But I don't know how to choose her. I don't know how to get her back.

Pathetic, right?
I know.

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I should be stronger. I should be smarter. I shouldn't be failing multiple classes. I'm better than that. Or at least I used to be.
_________________________________

So that was my rant. My releasing of everything inside. If you read through all of that, congrats. Though I don't expect anyone to. I'm going to shut up now. And go run. I need to. I hate everything about myself right now. Maybe running will help.

It's Friday!!

I'm so happy that it's Friday.
Like honestly.

I am looking forward tot he weekend, because I don't have much to do, and tomorrow I get to go to the Zombie Crawl and to Homecoming and I promise to post pictures, if anyone's interested.

I woke up in a good mood for a change this morning, and I hope it sticks.
I took a test in Chem today, and I am pretty sure i'm going to fail. But at least it won't drop my grade anymore.

I also don't have much to do in my other classes, so I can just try to relax. That's what I need. I'm tired of feeling so depressed and horrible all the time. It's so complicated.

So today, i'm going to put a smile on my face, and enjoy it! :D

Blah!

I don't even know where to start. I mean.... I feel like everything is happening all at once. and I don't have a way to breathe.

Last night, I went to the memorial service for Jessica Ridgeway, my cousin. It was a beautiful memorial service, and I am happy that she will finally be somewhere that nobody can hurt her.

My grandma asked me about counseling last night, and I told her that I need it. She said we could talk to a friend of hers, to find out what kind of counselor I needed. I was hoping that if I got a counselor, they could do something to help me with my depression an anxiety.

I am honestly doubting this will happen, because it feels like nobody sees me anymore.

The last few days have been a mess of stress, binging  self harm, depression, and anxiety. It's like I'm either in a "Anxious self harm" mood or a "Depressed screw the world" mood. Neither are good. It's an emotional roller coaster. Everyone around me doesn't think that I'm depressed, or that I need help. I guess I'm really good at hiding it.

 I don't know for 100% sure if I'm depressed or not. But it sure as hell feels like it.

I was supposed to talk to my counselor today, but she double scheduled it, so I didn't get to. I really needed to talk to her, to someone, and it didn't matter. Now I'm just going to put my headphones in and bake a cake. Not that I'm going to eat any, but it would give me an excuse not to eat tonight. I can't take it. I haven't eaten in 2 days, and I feel good. At first it wasn't intentional, it just kinda happened, but now, I feel good. I don't know how long it will last.

I've got so much homework to do, I feel like I'm drowning. I get so frustrated because my teachers tell me that things are on their website, but when I go to find it, it's not there. And then it's like, how am I supposed to do it? Then they give a test on it, and I'm unprepared..... :(

I failed to Spanish tests today, or at least I think I did, because I didn't know a lot of the things they were talking about. This isn't my week for Spanish. I'm forgetting old vocab, not picking up the new...

It's so roller coaster like.

I'm gonna go put my headphones in, and sing to this amazing song that I'm in love with right now.

Not so random thoughts!

Today has just been kind of an eh day. I don't know what I would categorize it as.

One the one hand, I'm so hyped up and I can't stop moving. I don't WANT to stop moving.

But on the other hand, I'm actually quite tired, and don't want to do anything.

Last night I got locked out of my house, and as I was bored, I decided to try to talk to my "Best" friend. I say that because she doesn't act like one, and when I try to talk to her, she gets upset. Over nothing. Like last night, she said "I'm not in the mood." Kinda pissed off. So I asked her what was wrong, and she just said "Like you care. I'm not in the mood."  And I DO care. I mean, she's my best friend. She might not give a shit about me, but I still care about her.

I just don't even fucking know anymore.
I don't want to talk to her, look at her, be in the same room with her, anything. I just want her to go away.
It's the same way with everyone...

I also found out that I'm related to Jessica Ridgeway, a girl who was savagely murdered here near my house not too long ago. If you don't know what happened, you can read the article about it here. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20638890,00.html

It was horrible, and I didn't know I was related to her, so I'm kinda shocked.... I mean, wow. I'm actually going to her memorial service here in about half an hour. And though I can't believe that someone could ever do this to a young girl, I do hope that now her family can find peace.

I've got a ton of homework to do, so I'm hoping to start on that. Plus it will keep my mind occupied, at least I hope.

I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow, and hopefully she can help me do something to manage my anxiety. It's really getting out of control, and I don't know what to do about it. While I don't enjoy it, I'll take it over the emotional rollercoaster of the past few weeks any day!

Today isn't that bad, it's just eh. And now that I'm home I can just relax and be happy. I can blast music, and take my mind off of everything! (: It's a nice feeling.

It's only been 3 days?!

Gosh. I feels like so much longer since I last wrote. I mean, wow.

A lot has been going on though... So much. And I don't exactly know how to write about it, so I'll just kinda do it quickly..

1. I've lowered my goal weight. Yeah. So basically, I don't fit the criteria for Bulimic, so I couldn't even get help if I wanted it. And I'm gonna be honest, right now, I don't exactly want help. I'm finally starting to lose weight, and I will get there.

2. I talked to my school counselor again. She said that I sound kinda hopeless, and that she thinks I might be depressed because I don't want to be around people, I don't have the energy. I don't want to talk to anyone, be in the same room as them. I don't want to go out and do things. I'd rather just sit. Or rather stand, as I try not to sit. I don't have the energy for it.

3. I am not sick enough. I found out that I don't qualify as sick enough to have an ED, which pissed me off. But at the same time, it can't be that bad because well, I don't exactly want help. I am finally barely starting to lose weight, and I want to keep it that way. I don't know what will happen if I stay at my weight. I can't take it anymore, I'm actually growing desperate.

4. I have Homecoming on Saturday. I am excited to go, I love my dress. I don't think it would hurt to lose a few pounds, but at the same time, if I don't, I'm not too worried about it. I actually like myself in it, which is saying something. And I also get to go to the Zombie Crawl on Saturday, and it'll be so much fun to go from being gross and dead to pretty and glamorous for the dance. Y'know?

5. I'm almost caught up in school. This is good because it will be less stress, but it also means that I'll have more time to think, and honestly, I know nothing good will come from thinking right now. And i've had so much work to do in school, it feels like I am living and breathing my English and Science work. I ditched class on Friday because I didn't have the energy to go to class, and I wasn't prepared for the test. But I am now, and I'll take it and do well on it!

6. I am thinking of getting professional help. Like actually seeing a therapist. I feel like I need one, because I don't know how much of my head my counselor at school can understand, and how much of it I am just spewing out my ass. Like I am kind of afraid of her. Believe it or not.


So that's what's been up with me recently, and I must say - It feels like an emotional roller coaster. AND I DON"T LIKE IT. Though I guess I'm glad that I actually have someone to talk to. And I know the above stuff doesn't seem like much, but I must be so emotionally and mentally invested in all of it that it feels like so much!!

Crazy feelings!

So let me just say, that I'm feeling a little high right now, as I haven't eaten at all today. Really. Well I mean, I had Sobe water, and 2 pieces of gum, which equates to 25 calories. Not bad if I do say so myself. I was going to eat more, but I've felt kinda sick and sick to my stomach all day, so I used that as an excuse to get out of eating.

I also briefly talked to my counselor this morning, and she said that she had talked to my grandma, and that my grandma had said that I could keep talking to her, but that if needed, she would be willing to get me additional help. I almost bolted out of the school right there... I mean... How can I face my grandma now? My grandpa? I can't even look them in the eyes now, and I'm so sorry to cause them anxiety... I just want to be at a healthy weight...
I know what I am doing is wrong. I want to be normal, to not have the voice in my head, to not feel guilt every time I pick food up, and want to eat it.

I want to stop counting calories.

But I'm just not there yet.

Also today, I ditched my 4th hour class, because we had a test, and after the week I've had, I just couldn't face not passing that test, as I knew I was going to fail. Now I can study over the weekend, get things done.

I've got chores and homework to do, but I'm spending the night at my friends house tomorrow. I think this might be a good thing, if I can just relax.

I have so much work to do, it's making me so stressed out. I just want to scream, cry, laugh, jump, run, fall, everything. All at once. Does anyone have any destressing tips?

I hate that it's started getting darker sooner, it means I'll have less time to run. And therefore will need to find something to do during the winter inside, but still exercise. Any tips? Speaking of which, I haven't run in about 3 weeks now, and I am starting to feel really lazy. Like sit-in-your-room-do-nothing-but-staring-at-a-wall kind of lazy. To me, the worst kind. So I've gotta start pushing myself, and trying to get back on track. This not losing weight or gaining weight thing is killing me. I can actually feel all my progress slipping away.

Today wasn't a bad day, it was just one of those days. I was anxious for school to be over, and now that it is, I feel like i can finally breathe. It's an interesting feeling. But I've still got so much work to do, and mirrors aren't my thing today. Since I've not eaten anything, I'm really bloated, but I know that will go away. It's just my body adjusting to lack of food. Only thing I'd like to know is how long before I start seeing the weight drop? It feels so stupid to be so obsessed with this, but it is my life... for now at least.
I don't intend to keep it this way.

Hope everyone is having a good day, and if anyone needs to talk, you can email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com. (:

Off to go run!! ^_^

Creative Arts!

Oh my gosh!!! :D :D :D

So my Freshman year, there was a group started up by a friend of mine, called Creative Arts. It's basically for anyone that's creative. Like there's art, music, poetry, singing, digital things, photography, anything really.

And during my Freshman year, I was in it because of my poetry. But it got shut down, because there were no teachers to sponsor it.

I'm so excited to hear that it might be back up, with the help of some new people who are willing to possibly help sponsor it. If it is, I can't wait to get more people to join it, it was the best thing that's ever happened at my school!!! Well, to me. :D

I haven't written any poetry in a while, but I do think that I can start again. I seem to have just lost the inspiration, the passion for it.....

But i'm ready to find it again!! :D

I'm sitting here in school, thinking about everything.

Not really feeling anything  I guess I have to be grateful for that, but at the same time, I wish I had self control.

That seems to be what this is about. I guess. But I don't know how to change it. I don't want to change it. I am not sick enough to need help. I guess I can still do it on my own.
But I don't want to.

Last night I got all of my math homework done, now I just have a Psychology test, 2 history projects, a few English worksheets, as well as an essay for English, a test in Chem, as well as worksheets, and a test in Spanish.
I feel so overwhelmed. And all this isn't providing me the time to run, or skip meals.
Fucked up, I know. But I guess that's my new normal.

I'm still reading Fifty Shades Darker, it's a huge distraction. But a welcome one. Tonight, for sure, I don't care how cold it is or how tired I am, I AM GOING TO GO FOR A RUN. During dinner. I royally fucked up today, and i'm in such a bad mood I know that if I eat anything for the rest of the day, I will just purge, and probably self harm. I know this and I don't want it.

I know I haven't lost any weight, but I will get there. I have to. I keep telling myself that....

I WILL GET THERE.

For now I am off to help my friend with homework, and work on some other things. Hope everyone's having a good day!

Don't know where my mood has gone.

I just feel really moody. Mostly pissed off.
At what, I don't know.
Why, I don't know.

It's like every time someone says anything to me, it irritates me because they're talking to me. What the fuck?
I know I don't have a reason to be angry, but it feels like everything about my ED is taking over my life, like that's all I can focus on.
Before, it was there, but not everything.... Now, it's starting to feel like it's everything.

I hate myself every time I THINK of food, or every time I want to wear something and I don't think it looks good. I fear that I'm getting to the point that nobody can help me anymore.
And I'm just so mad.

Maybe I'm mad that I'm getting so behind in school, because I can't focus. But that's my fault.
Maybe I'm mad that I can't be pretty. But it's my fault for thinking that way.
Maybe I'm mad because people don't understand, but it's my fault for not letting them in.
Maybe I'm mad because when people do get it, they don't take my side. But that's not their fault. It's mine.

Whatever it is that I'm mad at, maybe it is all of the above, or none...... I know that I just don't want to talk to anyone, or pretend to be okay, or let anyone in. Homecoming is coming up in 2 weeks, and Zombie Crawl is the same day. Yet I can't be excited. I am just mad because my friend wants to hang out to get ready this weekend.

It feels like EVERYTHING makes me mad. And then I get even madder because I'm mad. I don't even know what I want.


Just had to rant there.... UGGGGH. I'm off to be mad all alone in my room, and to take that anger out on my homework. (: Maybe. Maybe I just need to go for a run. I'll give it a shot. Though running when I'm mad..... hmm. It's a distraction. Grr.

Kay, well I'm gonna go do something, writing this out helped a bit. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, but I doubt it.

A Tuesday At School

Today was just like any other Tuesday.. I guess.

It started with me getting ready for school, and that went really well. I didn't have to walk to the bus stop, but when I got to school, I had to rush to not be late to 2nd period. Stupid public transportation. But it was still a good day.

I am currently reading Fifty Shades Darker, and yes, it's the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey. I know it's the hype and all right now, but I think these books are INCREDIBLE. I am in love with them. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I did find some of the concepts in the book.... intriguing and fascinating. If that makes any sense.

I haven't done any of the work I've been assigned since I got back to school, I'm a little preoccupied. I found myself a project, that I'm now working on, and it takes up most of my time. I don't even have time to run, but on the bright side, that means that I don't have time to eat either. I am working on it though. I am so anxious to weigh myself, though I know that's not exactly a good thing.

I've been really irritated lately, not really feeling like talking to people. Like yesterday when I found out that my grandma knew about my ED, I had a panic attack and broke down. But let me tell you a little more about it.

So yesterday morning I went to talk to my counselor, because I had a meltdown in English class, and I needed someone to talk to. She told me that my grandma had called her and left a message, and that she had called back and left a message. But she didn't tell me what either of the messages were about.
After that, I panicked a lot, and I spent my lunch hour curled in a ball in a corner, crying. Pathetic, right?
Anyways, I was so scared to go home, because I was, and still am, afraid of what they would do to me. But when I got home yesterday, there was nothing to be said.... So now I lie in anticipation.

So yesterday, I didn't much feel like talking to people so I kinda hid on my own, and then all of last night, I didn't really talk to anyone. Same with today. I have to go to my grandma's after school, actually..... here in like 10 minutes, so I'm a little worried about what she'll say but after all, it can't be too bad, can it?

I've got a ton of work to do, so maybe I can knock some of that out too. Man, I have so much to do... but I keep finding distractions... Like reading Fifty Shades Darker. =P

I got to talk to Cimiron last night, and it did help a lot, though I feel bad for telling him about all of my shit. It's so depressing, and as I technically "Self harmed" 2 days ago, I feel like I have let him down. It wasn't even self harm though. I dug my fingernails into my arm, and hit it on the edge of the counter. They didn't even really leave marks. It just looks like a rash. Kinda. So it's not really bad.

I did finish hat English essay from my last post, and I got a C on it. So I am not failing English anymore!!! :D

Now I just gotta get onto my other stuff. Speaking of which, I should be doing that right now.

So I will. Tonight I am just going to do a little work at a time, not stress myself out. If I stress myself out, it wont get done. (: But so far, today has not been a bad day. :D