Nonsense

I'm at the point where I don't want to write anymore. Don't want to breathe. To move. To think. I want to just sit and stare at a wall and not exist.

I don't want to cut because I can never cut deep enough.

I starve, but never well enough.

I don't want to think because my thoughts are repetitive.

I hate muself for not going to the gym today. I hate myself for eating more than just the ramen.

I don't want to speak because I say the same thing over and over again and it's tiresome.

I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes today. I mean, aside from 8, I smoked the rest. And that scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't know what I want anymore. The calm happy/numb feeling I've felt these last few weeks is fading away and all that's left is either anger or numbness.

My best friends mom called me hostile and banned me from her apartment. That's been eating at me too.

Why the fuck does ANYONE even read my posts?

I want to run away. I.. Might. I've been thinking.

I'm scared to sleep because I fear my dreams and I have no weed to help me sleep, dreamless sleep. Eventually I will crash. The body can only go so long without sleep.

I'm trying to find somewhere to stay this weekend so I don't have to be at home. But so far that's looking like where I will end up. Either that or just wandering around.

I should go to the gym, but I should do a lot of things I don't. I only have the pass till Sunday anyways.

Whatever.

This post doesn't even make any sense. I'm buzzing from cutting, loopy from lack of sleep, and feeling slightly suicidal, but I guess I'm doing pretty alright when you compare my life to that of others.

I have nothing to complain about.