Pretty Much Everything

It's Saturday, it's 48 degrees outside, and it's beautiful. What am I doing? Laying on a couch, or pacing around her house, listening to music. I don't want to go outside because I'm cold and I know if I do then I'll only get colder and start shaking again. Inside or out, I'm fucking cold. Wearing 2 shirts and 3 hoodies, I'm still fucking cold. I can't seem to get warm no matter what I do, but sometimes I don't mind it..

Shivering burns calories, after all...

I woke up at 7 this morning so I could shower and hop on a bus up North. The last time I ate was at about 6 or 7 last night. So for roughly the last 21 hours, I've fasted.. Perfectly empty. I feel hyper, like I could do anything. I feel high. And when I feel like this, I can't ever imagine eating and getting rid of this feeling. It's perfect.

I hesitate in even the implication that I could have an eating disorder, because I'm still so fat. Everyone swears that I'm not, but they're lying. I mean it's "Socially rude" to tell someone else that they're fat, or even to agree with them if they call themselves fat. The difference between me and everyone else? I know what I am, and they don't.

I hate that I wear so many hoodies all the time and that I have to layer up because I'm cold. It just makes me look fatter. Not that I need any help with that.

I wish I could sit down with my best friend and just tell her what goes on inside my head without the guilt. Tell her when I come so close to reaching for the pills or my knife. But I can't. She's got her own issues to worry about, and I don't want to be one of them. I want to help her, not make her life harder. The same goes for anyone around me. They're all fighting their own battles and I should be helping them win.

I think about my boyfriend at least twice a day. It makes me sad to remember, so I try not to. I wish I could call him and tell him everything, but it would change nothing. What I need most is for him to be here. To wrap me in his arms and just hold me. To kiss away my tears and to tell me I'm beautiful. Or just to even give me a hug. (And to keep me warm..) But he can't, and I couldn't ever tell him that's what I need from him. So I just stay silent and avoid. Like I've been doing for the last month or so..

I don't want to be nothing to someone when they are my everything..

I want someone to care.

I'm actually feeling kind of okay today.. Or at least not as bad. During the day is easiest, when I can shove the thoughts back. Night is hardest, when I can't push them back anymore and they take over. When I'm with people, I try to hide it. Try to appear normal. I wonder if anyone notices.

I'm giving myself 1 week to lose 6 lbs. I know it's not very realistic, but I'm gonna do my best to make it happen, and anything less is just unacceptable. I'm off to a good start though. I'll weigh tomorrow and see where my weight is at and see where I'm headed. Wish me luck.