Tonight is the second night in a row now that the nightmares have followed me. I guess my mind is more cunning against even me than I wanted to admit it was. I wish they could just be like regular nightmares, but they aren't.
These are vivid.
It's like I am there again.
Like I can feel the hands on my body.
I can taste the vomit in my mouth.
I always wake up shaking.
I can't pull myself out from the nightmare.
I have no control.
They aren't dreams. They are memories.
I wish I didn't have to remember.

They used to be worse. I used to wake up screaming. That drew too much attention from my family and they don't know. They can't know. Somehow I stopped screaming and now whatever I may do, it's "better". That is a joke. There is no better.

Yesterday I was up at 3am, and again at 6 because of the sheer fear in my heart.
Today it was at 4am and I won't be sleeping again.
This is just the beginning.

Trying to go outside to smoke a cigarette and freak out where my boyfriend wouldn't be disturbed was a failure. Que sitting on my bed trying to breathe and quiet the sobs wanting to escape from my chest.
Once I got outside, my fear and paranoia only intensified. So I came back inside. To no avail.

I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend deserves someone better. Someone who isn't controlled by fear. Someone who isn't tainted.
Untouchable.
Unloveable.

I can't be that person.
I don't know how.

I'm just falling farther and farther away from something he deserves.

The paranoia I used to have is coming back again, and so are the panic attacks. I have been lucky enough to not have one when my boyfriend is around, so he doesn't know about them yet. Soon, he will. It is getting hard to hide them.
I contantly have a knot of fear/nausea in my stomach now.
I want to use my blade.

I don't feel safe anymore. I don't know if I ever have since my head started remembering.. Will I ever feel safe again?
I feel like my sanity is cracking and my boyfriend already has his own shit to worry about. He doesn't need mine too.
Should I leave?

I didn't even dare to hope for sleep after my nightmares, so instead I curled up next to my boyfriend. I listened to his slow, even breathing for a few minutes before the tears came back. I shoved them down and stuck in headphones to at least attempt to drown out the images that are burned into my eyelids.
As if I could.
As if I deserve it.

It is branded into my body. I feel like even if a stranger doesn't know, they know. Like some invisible sign, marking me as a target. Marking me as weak, as someone to be taken advantage of. This is not my body. I will not claim it. I cannot stand it.

I wish mu boyfriend didn't have to go to work today. I don't want to be alone, but there is nobody I can call. My best friend doesn't respond to my text messages anymore, and after school all the "friends" I had just faded away.
So most days I either spend sitting at his work waiting for the few moments I can see him or I am in my bed trying to cloud my head. There is no in-between.

I am entirely pathetic. This is what my life has come to, and I try not to look at it and see the truth because then I feel guilty. Then I feel ashamed. And that is a feeling I cannot deal with... So I avoid it. But it always comes back to the simple fact that

I'm alone.

That idea has never bothered me. But in the wake of times like this when I simply cannot stand to be alone, that's when I feel it.
And I don't know what to do.

I won't be sleeping again until I can figure out how to keep the dreams away. I can't even fathom the idea that I could go through that again.
I won't admit to my boyfriend that I need him.
I won't let the cracks show.
I'll pretend everything is alright.
That I am at least surviving.
It's just how it has to be.

I am fine.
I have to be.

I am pathetic.
Tomorrow is August first. Soon after that, school will be starting again and where will I be?
Everyone is heading off to college and moving on with their lives. As they should be.
Not me.

It's been about two or two and a half months since I dropped out. Every day, I forget more and more. Every day the dreams I used to have feel farther and farther away.
College.
A good job.
Pride.
What I worked so hard for..
All gone in just a blink.

I made everyone think I was the best. That I was smart, ambitious, everything they wanted me to be. Then the curtain fell and they saw the girl hiding behind.
This girl wasn't perfect.
And that was the deal breaker...

I mean, what am I?
I don't have a job, and can't keep one.
The place I stay is only temporary.
I don't have a high school diploma, or the equivalency.
I don't have friends.
I don't have a life..
I don't even have my sanity.
I am falling, fast and hard. Into a darkness even I cannot see my way out of.

I have nothing, and I am nothing.
I can't even say that I can lose weight and not be so fat because I can't even do that.

And yet my boyfriend can't understand why I say I want to jump in front of a car. Or a train. Either would do.

He deserves so much better. And he could be with someone so much better than me. When people say they are jealous of what I have, I cannot hide my laugh.
I have nothing, I am nothing.
I have nothing to covet.
I have already lost everything.

And that is killing me in a way even I can't put words to.

"Destroy What Destroys You"
Yeah right.
It is very effectively destroying me, and I don't even have the strength to fight back.
I only hope my boyfriend realizes this and gets out before I can hurt him, too.

Well

I finally got over having my period. I was so bloated that I nearly lost my mind. No idea what my weight is, because if I cut right now I could lose my boyfriend. It always ends in fighting... And I don't want that.

He is the other half to my avocado. I don't know when I realized this, but I think I mean it. I would do anything for this boy, and he doesn't even know it.

I made a plan, like a weekly weight loss plan that I need to follow in order to be able to meet my UGW by my birthday in February. I have thoroughly fucked myself over for the month of July, and there is simply no saving it. So I will start again August first, no excuses.

I am also thinking of posting my weekly weigh in's on my blog, but I am unsure. Any thoughts?

I found a part I me that I have lost, and it makes me happy even if it is only temporary... 

I used to do this every day, and since having dropped out of school I haven't touched this in months. I finally did today, and it was the most freeing feeling.

My favorite song to spin to at the moment is "Chandelier" by Sia. I am absolutely addicted.

Has anyone else heard that song? I know it's pretty recently released but so far all I have heard is negative feedback about it. I really like the song, and I know I can't be the only one.

On August first I will post my starting weight. If I cannot give myself any other gift for my nineteenth year, I will give myself the gift of being weightless. I will be absolutely perfect.

I just have to want it enough.

I quit my job about two weeks ago and probably should get another one... But I don't think I can handle it. I am in denial that I have to grow up, in any and every way. Sigh.

Not sure how that one will turn out.

I have a court date tomorrow and I don't know if I am excited or not. I worked and fought so hard to get to this point.. And I thought succeeding would feel a hell of a lot better than it does. Is it worth it?

I haven't really got much more to say. I don't even want to be conscious. I just want to sleep and fade away from the world. Cloud my head with emptiness so all the bad thoughts won't even make me flinch.

The other day, I was talking to my best friend about my ED. She said "You've lost so much weight... Why are you still starving?"

Hah!

As if this is a choice? As if I could just wake up tomorrow morning and eat? As if I could just... Snap out of it?

My boyfriend happened to see that text message and he seemed genuinely shocked... He was all like "you starve yourself?"

Like he didn't know.

Didn't care.

Didn't notice when I go four days without eating.

Like weighing myself every two hours is totally normal.

I just don't even know. Fine. You want to pretend it isn't there? Like I am fine? I can pretend too. I won't talk to you and try to get you to understand if you are just going to brush me off.

Fine with me.

I want to cut so fucking badly.

If I cut, I'll fight with my boy.

If we fight, I might not let myself come back..

What do you do when you're so torn between two wants/desires? I don't know which is stronger. I wish he just didn't care what I did to myself and then I could have both and I wouldn't have to choose.

But that isn't how it is.

I have to choose.

And so I avoid it. Just like everything else.

Bad Day

I was at my boyfriends work until about 3am this morning, and I immediately fell asleep when I got home. Both of us ended up sleeping until late this afternoon only a few hours before he had to go to work, but whatever.

I absolutely fucking despise myself today. I really only have one pair of pants that fit me now, and even then they don't fit. They fit me yesterday and I was so excited to be losing weight so they would fit. Today when I put them on, I immediately knew I was too fat. I am literally punishing myself for being so fat. Even though it is aout 90 degrees here, I put on the biggest jacket I have. I don't want anyone to look at me.

My boyfriend tried to put his arms around me and I couldn't handle how fat that made me feel. I didn't want him to touch me because if he knew how fat I was he wouldn't love me. Ugh. The one bright side is that while he was laying on me, he had to keep moving for a few mins to get comfortable because he said my hipbones were fucking with him. At that comment, I couldn't help but to smile because that means you can at least see/feel my hipbones enough for them to be uncomfortable. 

Even with the overwhelming hate I have for myself right now, my boyfriend is offering me French fries. I know I shouldn't, but I am going to because it will feed the fire just that much more. I want to cut, though I have mixed thoughts about that one.

I just wish today was over. I wish I didn't exist. I don't even know my weight for today, and maybe that is best.

I can't actually seem to put words to the overwhelming rage I feel at myself right now. Hate. Bloodlust. I could really fuck myself up.

I keep lying to my boyfriend and saying there is nothing on my mind and no reason that I am being so quiet today, but what would he say if I told him what was really on my mind? He said once that with me there is never nothing on my mind, and I found it really offensive. So challenge accepted. I will at least make it seem like I am okay.

If not for my sake, at least for his. He doesn't deserve this. 

Just A Thought

I am so tired. My body needs sleep, and I am fighting the urge to sleep because I don't deserve it. I ate today, like a normal person. I had to, to hide. I tried to purge, but it is never enough.

My body is paying for it, because I have stomach cramps like I haven't had in such a long time.
Why do I do this?
Why can't I live in peace?
Starve, be as ritualistic as I want without worrying who will intervene. I am losing pretty much everyone.
But still things aren't bad enough.

I absolutely cannot wait until Friday when I get paid. I am goimg to spend a large chunk of my money on what most would consider a waste. But if I buy such a thing, then that means I won't have money to buy food. Which means I can at least have a legit reason for not eating.
I just can't pass out in front of anyone again. I need to keep my eating disorder hidden, or they will make me stop. I don't want to stop. I am still far too fat.

I miss cutting. I can't wait for winter when it will be easier to hide under several layers. Because I am cold anyways. Nobody would look at me twice.

I lost my best friend today, over such a stupid reason. But I mean, she said some really harsh things to me, and how am I supposed to react? I guess it just proves that I was right. I guess 7 years of friendship means nothing. Everyone is only temporary. When will I stop looking for the exception to that rule? There isn't one. People pretend to be different, but nobody ever is. Same shit, different day.

I honestly wish I could just take sleeping pills or something for a day or two and just sleep. I need the mental break before I totally lose it. Maybe I already have. I just need to disappear. Once I get a job, I am going to keep that job for a little while to save up some money, and then I am getting the fuck out of here. Not telling anyone where I am going, or when. I am just gonna go and it will be as if I never existed. Everyone will just forget about me, and when they do, I will finally be free.

Am I a negative person? Or am I just a result of circumstance?
I avoid people because I realized a long time ago that my thoughts weren't "normal." But is it my choice to think these thoughts or are they a result of situations I have faced and things I have learned?

I am gonna make a serious effort to list out both the negative and the positive things in my life. I am not sure I wanna know the outcome though.
Well, here goes nothing.

POSITIVE:
1. I have a boyfriend who loves me.
2. I have a place to live, and I don't even have to pay to live there.
... Seriously coming up blank here..
3. I have at least one person who loves everything about me, even the horrific.

I don't want to say things like "I am alive today" or "I am healthy" or even better "I am still breathing"... Because I don't want to be alive today, tomorrow or yesterday. Because I am so far from healthy even if it doesn't show physically. Because if I took my last breath right now, I can't say I wouldn't be happier. Pain-free. Maybe I wouldn't, but it couldn't be worse than this.

Alright. So that is what I have for the positive, so here is the flip side.

NEGATIVE:
1. I have no job.
2. I lost my best friend.
3. I don't even have a high school diploma...
4. I'm fat.
5. I am undeserving of everything I have.

I am sure there are more... But my point is that no matter how hard I try, the positive never seems to balance out the negative..
Maybe I am just destined to be this way.

Fasting and Restricting

So in my last post I posted that as of 8pm, I had fasted for a total of 20 hours. Now it is 5:30am and there's still no change.
So my total fasting time is 34.5 hours.
I've also realized that I haven't slept since I started fasting/stopped eating.
I feel like I should feel a hell of a lot worse because of such things, but I actually don't feel all that badly. A little tired mentally, but otherwise I still feel energized physically.
I don't understand because I should be crashing/have already crashed, but I will definitely use this time to my advantage.

I never quite noticed the passage of time. It's grace, as it ebbs and flows to it's own rythem. Laying in bed for these past five hours have been a challenge, but also somewhat like "free therapy." I am not so sure what instead of sleep.... But I think that's exactly it. I wasn't thinking, or really feeling. I remember watching my room turn from pitch black to the soft tones of dawn. A moment most people often don't get to see. Or they shrug it off, as if it is nothing. For me, the sunrise is my favirite part of the day because they are new, and no matter how many sunrises you watch, they all remain beautiful and unique.

I've also been really on edge lately. I am deathly afraid of moths, as my boyfriend has witnessed. When outside, I have a fear/dislike of grasshoppers and butterflies. I refuse to kill spiders, and just this morning as I was entering my bathroom, there was a giant beetle on the floor and a pincher bug or a few following behind. Now, keep in mind that at 5am, when you just get out of bed, most don't think twice of walking barefooted. After almost stepping on one... I am so thouroughly creeped out that I am seriously considering avoiding my bathroom for a long time because I know they're there somewhere - not dead. Pathetic, I know. (However, in my defense some of the bugs that inhabit this basement are pretty fucking creepy and completely unlike ones that I've seen before.)

Maybe it is due to the fact that my mind is tired and my body is confused, but I seem to be especially jumpy last night/this morning. Every stray hair that brushes me is a bug crawling on me. Every quiet, unexplained thump is a moth frantically beating it's wings against a window.
Every shadow left unchecked has somethimg in it to fear, and my eyes aren't of much help to me right now either. I just need to breathe. Take a cigarette and my juice outside and breathe. I am still unsure of my stomach though, wondering if it would accept or reject an anti-nausea pill or even the juice. No food.
Today is day 3. ^-^

I hate fear. I hate being afraid, in the truest sense of the word. A fear that never goes away and only seems to grow stronger as the days pass by. Is it even possible (for me) to live a life without fear?
If not, I would at least like to be able to live my life without being controlled by such strong fears.
But as I said, such a chance seems too far away to hope for...
Is it?

I love the feeling of being the only person awake in my house. It's peaceful. I don't have to look presentable or worry what the other person is thinking of me.
It is a different feeling to just  take a deep breath and stand entirely still, making no noise. To feel the space of the silence and consider it a friend is uncommon for me, so I try to appreciate it at least a little before the world officially wakes up.
It's my secret little indulgence. (;

Now I suppose I am off to weigh, though I am scared absolutely shitless. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without my eating disorder. Without my self harm, anxiety, or having to live a life ruled by fear.
Of course the thought immediately following that is of what I was... Before. At least whatever I am now is a slight improvement over what I used to be. I will NEVER go back. Even if this kills me.

I will update more later after I have started my day, weighed, and woken up.
Good morning, if anyone still reads this. I don't think there is anyone left who reads, but if there is I would love to know you are there.

Here goes nothing. Wish me luck. Xx

Set In Stone

Well. I am about 20 hours into my fast (as of 8pm), and still going strong.
At this point, if I even wanted to eat or drink something, I couldn't. My throat closes just thinking about it.
That probably shouldn't make me happy.... But it does.

I know how dangerous fasting is (on top of exercise), and restricting both fluids and food is worse. I know I need to drink something, anything. But I can't.
There is a war inside my body right now, caused by a choice I made. My stomach is hungry and starting to feel nauseous, but my mouth and mind are strong. They clench and say no to food. The muscles refuse to contract.... Though I can't say I am trying too hard.

This is my second day in a row being up in the clouds, but hopefully if anything it will reflect on the scale tomorrow morning.
This morning, stepping on my scale I realized how inaccurate my weight would end up being calculated as, so I quickly stepped off, although not quite fast enough.
I want to/shouldn't/need to/can't take laxies tonight. Just that thought alone spikes my anxiety because it's almost like I can feel the food digesting as it reaches my stomach... Which is repulsive. I am repulsive. I am a fucking blimp. *sigh* So I'll just have to do what I can to minimize bloating. Although I have a goal (139) for July, I am simply going to forget the goal and be as strict as possible with myself for these twelve days. No outside influence, no lies to tell and food to hide. No watching everyone around me watch me watch them while I "eat".

It will be just my boyfriend and I, but even then he is going to be working a lot for the next few days. If he somehow manages to "persuade" me into eating, I know what I have to do. No excuses. Excuses are for quitters and wishers... Reasons are for succeeders and accomplishments.
But if he can't see me eat during the day, he is less likely to bring it up during the evening after he gets off work.
"I want you to notice I am losing weight, but not stop me from doing it."
Is this really what my life has come to with this ever present paranoia and distrust to even my own family?

RANDOM (but not):
I have never been one to be too excited about my birthday. I never wanted the attention, the food, the celebration seemingly for yet another year of my life that has passed - meaningless. However, even as a kid 6 was my favorite number. I remember I had to count everything in multiples of 6, or that the number of steps I took on one block of cement had to be a multiple of 6. The one exception that even I can't explain?

My 19th birthday.

Sure, it was cool to turn 16, but I never did get my liscence or a car. (Just another lie he told me that wasted my time and only fueled the fire inside)
18 was supposed to be even better. Freedom. Choices. Responsibility. Adulthood. Being thrown out of the nest. When I turned 18, I wasn't thrown with care. I was thrown out of the nest as far to the right and backwards as possible, thinking I wouldn't survive. But as sure as they waste my time I proved them wrong. But being an adult sucks, as everyone says. Suddenly (coincidence?) every plan I had carefully formed and checked and worked out to perfection crumbled in front  of my eyes and I was left with nothing.
As seems to be the norm for life these days.

But turnimg 19 feels... Different somehow. It feels special, and important. What better gift is there to give myself than the gift of stepping on the scale and waiting a second while it calculates my weight, only to see my dream number there? Perfection, that I fought for through blood, sweat, and pain....
I can only dream of such a thing that's always just out of reach. But if I am strict enough with myself and work hard enough, that dream can happen when I am 19.
That gives me roughly seven months to lose approx. 37 lbs.
That would put me at a sub-goal of 5 lbs per month with the exception of this month. My goal for the end of July to put me on track is 138. Roughly 7 lbs (maybe less) to lose in 12 days. I should be less than 7 lns away though. I need to figure out how to help bloating.
I am starting to panic because there are all of these numbers, and I know all but one: my weight today. I really don't think it should make me panic as much as it does, but I have a specific way to weigh myself in the mornings and I never not do it. The exception is today because I was out riding the clouds last night and didn't get home until well past 7am, happy and laughing.
Lack of foods as well as liquids equals lightheaded fits of laughter and cuddling on my bed because lahimg down is easier than standing or sitting up.
I am riding the clouds tonight as well, and then tomorrow I will rest my body for such adventures. The fun begins again on Tuesday, or so I hope.

So here is a quick update of my stats: (never really posted them before(

Height: 78 inches (5'8")
Highest Weight: 186 lbs (2010)
Lowest Weight: 122 lbs
Current Weight: 145-ish
GW1: 138 lbs (7/x/14)
GW2: 133 lbs (8/x/14)
GW3: 128 lbs (9/x/14)
GW4: 123 lbs (10/x/14)
GW5: 118 lbs (11/x/14)
GW6: 113 lbs (12/x/14)
GW7: 108 lbs (1/31/14)

Seven goal weights for seven different momths. I absolutely cannot fuck this up. My 19th birthday is everythimg to me, amd I just know that if I fail, I will not be giving myself another chamce, or forgiveness. I MUST do this.

*Deep Breath* Alright. Let's go.

Deeper

Deeper and deeper I fall
From the perfect child I used to be.
I have lived,
Lied,
Tried,
Cried,
And fought in every way I know how.
Still every cut is not deep enough.
There are never enough scars on my body, enough blood shed.
The monster got stronger when I wasn't looking, and I can pretend to match it in strength, but only for a second. Eventually it will bite, and when it does... Will there be any of me, left?

I thrive on a lower number,
A stomach that growls.
Thighs that do not touch,
A necklace made of bone.
Wings that sprout to fly me away,
Skin that stretches tight to reveal the cage behind..
It is my proof
That I am broken, warped, tainted.
One moment of imperfection is all that it takes, an ungraceful tumble across the dance floor... All eyes on you.
I do not want attention,
yet somehow I never fail to attract it.

Even still
words are never enough,
My cuts never fatal.
Hope is a fleeting dream that I almost stopped believing in.
Instead I sided with my demons who have become my only remimder of this fragile line I walk upon. I teeter between nosediving and destroying the final chance I was given but don't deserve and indulging in the distant possibility that I can escape this hell when I have finally had enough.
That I can walk out of the other side burnt and broken.... But still standing. Invincible.

Maybe, if I can muster the strength to open my eyes another day... I will find the strength I need.
I have my reason to fight, and though I may not know what I am fighting for, and what it will be like when I come out the other side... I have to keep fighting. I stand by those who lend me strength, but can't shake the fear holding me back.
I need to find my hope, to replace the paralyzing fear that's always creeping and pushing me down. I need to find my strength, so that I can bear the weight of myself, and my world on my shoulders. I need to rebuild my trust, because I know I cannot do this on my own. Without him, what the fuck am I capable of accomplishing?
Nothing.

So why do I keep on trying?
Someone once told me that Anorexia was a slower form of suicide. A way to control yet another thing in the confusing chaos...
But even my control over that is slippery.
Like when you pass out in front of your best friend's grandma..
I should feel scared, should want to eat more because that always solves the problem... Right?
Instead I feel ashamed that I couldn't be strong enough to fight gravity, or hide my side effects well enough
To protect at least the one person that I love. The one who has any significant value to my heart...

Hah. Protect? They shouldn't even care, and if I were smart I would do everything in my power to keep him smiling, selfless or not. Maybe that means pushing myself away. Because how are you supposed to be the sheild to protect against harm AND be the weapon of attack at the same time?
I guess to destroy myself isn't enough either...
This cruel illness will take down everyone around me, as if it isn't bad enough to have to see the struggle daily. To live it.
They lay the guilt on nice and thick, like a down winter coat that I can't take off. They smile, pretending to help you while laying landmines in your mind. Don't worry, you won't see them coming. I can only hope I survive.

But wait! They will try to shrink the coat... Try to make you who they believe you should be. They tighten the strings....
Squeezing, suffocatimg, starving my body
my mind
my soul.

I can't breathe in enough air to scream, and it's only a matter of time before I reach my limit.... For the final time.

All I can say is that I am sorry you can't understand, but I can't make you understand, or at least I don't know how.

Somehow, even with the wars raging inside of me:
Cutting vs talking
Camille vs the world
Camille vs Camille
Burning vs talking
Starving vs feeling

Austin vs Me
Camille vs family
Camille vs everything/everybody.

All I can do is tread the water, hope to get stronger... Hope to survive. I can't let myself feel too much or worry too much or think too much because if he gets hurt, or if a dear friend does, no amount of self inflicted pain will ever be enough. No transgressions will be forgiven, no second chances.
It is now or never.
I just have to dig
A
Little
Deeper.

Done.

7/18/14
My favorite binge food?
Hot french fries with nacho cheese.
Disgusting, I know.
Not to mention how rediculosly high in calories it must be.

The scale said 145 yesterday morning, and now that it's about 2am, I have ruined my chances of weighing for the day. I really should take laxies...

I can't believe I passed out earlier. I'm so fucking weak. I hate that I can't just starve in peace. I'm pathetic. Right now it is 2:07am. I will be fasting for the rest of tomorrow. So maybe it will all work out?

Not to mention starving. I can't have my cake and try to eat it, too. I need to be strong. Empty. Pure. Weightless. Zero. And I will not achieve that by stuffing my face. I wish I had someone to talk to, but most everyone has faded away or recovered. And good for them, because they shouldn't have to suffer from this horrendous disease. I do, though. At least until I can say I have had enough. Assuming it doesn't kill me first.

Oh, how I wish I could cut. And purge. *sigh* I will burn in hell for that, but it's true. And since I'm going to hell anyways, I might as well make it worth my while.

Passed out in front of my mom earlier, and she made me eat.
Today's intake is at 830. Took 22 laxies.
Still Not Enough.
I wish I was dead.

Honesty

I am sitting with my mom at her house. My boyfriend and I came up because he was gonna do some yard work for her.

So while he does that, I am just left here to think.

It is a beautiful day outside. Maybe a little on the hot side, but there's a breeze that evens it out. But instead of sitting outside enjoying it in my jeans and a t-shirt, I would rather be inside in shorts and a t-shirt hiding away from the world.

I don't want anyone to look at me today. I don't want even my boyfriend to see me today.

My highest weight of all time was 186. My lowest weight is 122. Now I am 145, and I feel absolutely fat. My boyfriend calls me sexy on a daily basis, and I get told I am gorgeous. But they roll right off of me, because no matter how hard I might try... The voice inside of me is much stronger. Until I reach my new goal of 108, and can honestly say that, I don't think the voice in my head will ever fade.

I was talking with my boyfriend. He doesn't like the fact that I starve myself. Or that I cut, or that I used to burn. He doesn't understand why I can't see what he sees.

He doesn't want me to starve my way down to 108. But I have to. I can't explain why, or make someone understand why I have to. I just... Have to.

I can't stop cutting. I don't cut for the feeling it provides, necessarily. I cut because I need to see the wounds on my body. I need to see on the outside what I feel on the inside.

My boyfriend had 2 warrants for his arrest, which were for stupid speeding tickets. He was avoiding them because he just lost his job and didn't have the money to pay them. So he has been evading them, and now he has a third warrant issued because of the first two.

I know he needs to pay them, but I understand why he can't. I just hate being afraid that he could go to jail and ill have to be without him. I don't think I could spend another day without him, or spend a night even. He is what allows me to sleep at night, without the nightmares that haunt me. Before him, I would spend days without sleeping, just because I was afraid. Now, I can sleep. But to be afraid that I am going to lose him, even for a short period of time, I just can't stand it. I don't know what to do though.

I have completely ruined today. I hate to think of what my total caloric intake totals to, because it would probably be horrifying. I've had about 3 otter pops (180), some chex squares (210?), sweet tea (180) and a little bit of the chipotle I got yesterday (?) and chips (320). So upwards of 830? Ugh. There is no way that I can save today. I know that might not seem like a lot, but it feels like FAT to me.

I wish I could purge, and cut until there is no skin left untouched. But I don't want my boyfriend to see that.

I have done Meth. I do Meth. I guess it depends on how you look at it, but at the same time I guess it doesn't matter. I do it because I have seen what it can do to aid weightloss. I have only ever planned on doing it for a short time - just a few months. I just want it long enough to reach my goal.

But my boyfriend said to me today that if I do it anymore, he won't touch me. He told me that he has an addictive personality and that the reason he won't touch any part of me that isn't covered in clothes because it transfers through touch.

I didn't know it did, but I really hate the thought of him not wanting to touch me. Like I'm... Repulsive. Dangerous. Undesirable. I am probably out of my mind, but he is making me choose.

Which do I want more?

Drugs and being skinny

or

My boyfriend and what his touch gives me?

I just want to be skinny, beautiful. Not covered in a fat bodysuit.

It's like a sick joke.

I just wish I could erase today and go back to make it the kind of day that I SHOULD have had. I feel absolutely repulsive. And now my mom is trying to get me to eat a BLT with her and her boyfriend. I swear to god I will lose my shit. I am already barely hanging on, and the day isn't even over.

I still have a little of my drug with me, and I know I can't waste it. I want to do it, but what then with my boyfriend? He said he won't touch me.

I am absolutely driving myself insane with these thoughts that keep going around and around in no progressive way. The only constant thing is the need to cut. I wish I had a blade with me. What can I do except apologize later?

I guess that's all for now. It's time to disappear.

I haven't slept in over 48 hours, and I haven't eaten in equal time. I feel kind of wired. Actually, a lot wired.

Part of it is from starvation, but I am also wired on drugs.

This is the second day, and I wish I could  keep going. I don't want to come down, but my boyfriend is right. I can't get addicted.

I have to be careful. I think I know my limits and I always want to push them.

I am so irritated with myself. It's getting in the way if everything I try to do right now. I tried to take a shower and couldn't force myself to get undressed because I didn't want to see myself.

I cut a few days ago, in a slight argument with my boyfriend. I guess I was too fed up with myself to think clearly about how I was accomplishing it... So now I have to go back and clean them to prevent infection when I should have already done it.

Score one for me.

Since my boyfriend and I were gonna have some fun last night, we left my house around midnight, and we have just kinda been walking around and enjoying the night. Now that the sun is rising, we are gonna go to a place to watch it. It's always a sight to see, and the few times that I have actually been awake to see it, it has been absolutely stunning.

The sunsets here are equally as beautiful, though in how they appear is different each day.

And there is nobody I would rather spend this time with than my boyfriend.

For just a few minutes of peace.

But even that peace is only fleeting.

Out here, it is quiet. There are no sounds of people other than a few cars that sound distant. There is the sound of our voices, which suprisingly don't seem out of place.

The feeling of the sun hitting my uncovered skin and the weight of his head on my knee...

It's something I can only describe as happiness.

Not the kind of happiness that is dependent on other people. Not the kind that fades when they aren't around anymore. This kind of happiness is the kind that sticks around. The kind of happiness that is still unfamiliar to me.

The only time I don't feel as if time is speeding on and leaving me behind is when I am on go. Then I feel like I get ahead of time and can actually stop and enjoy the moment. But unfortunately, I can't always go, so I have to find that balance without it, too.

I haven't felt much like being around people today. I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere, or be seen by anyone. But my grandparents said they needed me and I had to go over there. I didn't want to be there with every fiber of my being, and essentially ended up not being needed there. Such a waste of time..

I have basically spent the entire day in my room, on my bed. I didn't see any reason to leave to go anywhere other than my grandparents... So I didn't.

I don't know my weight and it is bothering the shit out of me. I haven't eaten in two days, which I know means that when I weigh myself tomorrow morning, the number will at least be something I can bear. Not too high. I have to undo the damage.

I doubt I have been drinking enough liquids, which means I will probably be bloated tomorrow.

The lightgeaded feeling and the dark spots that appear in my vision almost every time I stand up are the only signs to prove that I am doing things right. I have to keep going. My boyfriend basically giving me until December to stop doing drugs, stop smoking cigarettes. Quit most of my bad habits.

The only question I have is...

Do I want to stop?

I tried to go swimming the other day but couldn't manage to make myself go. There is too much to hide right now. There is always too much to hide.

I spoke to my grandma yesterday for the first time in a long while, and I only made things worse. I tried to be in a better mood, tried at least being polite to her. But I couldn't even manage that, and ended up just pushing her farther away. She's gonna en up hating me by the time she dies, I know it.

Aye. I just have a lot of thoughts today that aren't really anything, but they are crowding my head. I need to just shut my brain off.

I actually don't know how to say what's going through my head for once. I just know it's a lot.

I woke up this morning to more bullshit from my mom, basically telling me that I was untrustworthy, selfish, and a bunch of other things. She told me bullshit excuses, and told me that I could just go ahead and enjoy my life without her. We just got approved for freedom the other day and now she is trying to tell me to forget about the whole thing, as if it didn't matter.

I'd rather she have just punched me.

I went through so much hell to reach that point... And she just rejects it all. On top of that, I got approved to go visit my brother today, who I haven't seen in over 10 years. I was so psyched to go, and then my mom just tells me that she is going without me.

I don't even know what else to say. That's just gasoline to the flame..

I refuse to be somewhere I am not wanted, but I thought if anyone would ever want me around, it would be my mother since we are so much alike. But not even she wants me around.

So, what is it? What's so wrong with me such that neither of my parents want me?

I don't need them, but.. I don't know how to explain what I feel about that or even why I should give a fuck in the first place. I shouldn't, but I do. Quite a bit more than I would like to admit.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was 144.6 lbs. Which means that I somehow lost around 1.8 lbs since yesterday morning.

How the fuck I managed that, I don't know. I thought yesterday's intake of 300 was bad, but today's intake makes it look incredible.

I've had 1/2 a buttered noodle entree (465), some ice cream, and half of a freezie thing, and some nachos and fries. I am just horrified and fucking livid at myself because I know I'll have gained by tomorrow. But tomorrow begins my emptiness again. No food for me.

I was laying on my bed with my boyfriend this morning and I stood up to get a drink. I got really lightheaded as I usually do whenever I stand after sitting, but then my vision started to dim. I grabbed my dresser to steady myself and then.. I guess I passed out. The next thing I knew was that I was on the ground staring up at my boyfriend. I once again shrugged it off, pretending it wasn't anything to be worried about. But I know it freaked him out. He said that I looked like I had OD'd on something, and the time before that I was told that I stopped breathing for a minute. I know I should feel scared, but I feel kind of... Numb? I mean, yeah passing out isn't good. But I don't really care because knowing that I am losing weight every day and am perfectly empty - that is enough. Not that I would expect that to make sense to anyone.

So after I ate lunch, and such, I've been trying to find the motivation to exercise to compensate, but I can't. My body is tired, but I can't let it rest. Aaannnd, I just so happened to find a little of my friend Jenny around today. I know, I know. I am supposed to be avoiding it, at least for a while. But I am horrified by what I have eaten today, and honestly don't know what I am gonna do once the sun goes down very soon.

I have been feeling the urge to self harm since I woke up this morning and it has only gotten stronger. I don't even know what to say to my boyfriend about it, but I know he would want me to.

I have been feeling increasingly more bitchy as the day goes by as well. I don't know why, but I just want to lay around and relax. Every muscle in my body feels tired, and I can't allow myself to feel that way.

Right now I feel unpredictable. Hah.

I guess it's true. Your stomach really does shrink. Why does that make me slightly happy inside?

But I absolutely despise this feeling. Actually, that's a fucking understatement. I don't know what I am going to do after this, but I'm going to make an honest effort to calm the fuck down. If I take this level of anger out on myself, I'm not sure where I would stop. I can't honestly say I would stop..

But it is nighttime now and that is always my weakest time. It's almost impossible to ignore the screaming in my head, or to escape the anxiety and anger. Especially when it gets to this point. I remember the last time I felt this angry. This helpless and self destructive. Fed up, scared, and suicidal. But I can't let it show. I shouldn't. I have to be the better version of me.

I'm always cold as fuck after eating. Like the act of accepting food in my stomach is more than my body has energy for and therefore it can't keep me warm. I don't like being cold. 

When I think about it... I have changed a lot, really fast. None of my clothes fit me anymore, nor do the shorts I bought not so long ago. I can see the difference in my legs when I am laying down. I can feel my hipbones and my stomach is almost flat. But I still weigh more than I am comfortable with and therefore I have to keep going.

I don't feel like talking to anyone, other than A. I don't know why, but I don't have the energy to respond to others.

I'm laying at a lake with my boyfriend watching the sunset and the sound of the lake is slightly calming. But it hardly takes the edge off of the anxiety and overwhelming sense of disgust and anger. But I am trying to keep that hidden, and not let him see it. I don't know why, or maybe I just don't want to feel the guilt.

I lost my job the other day, and though it was my decision, myself and my fault entirely... I can't stop hating on myself for it and tearing myself apart. I need to cut. I need that release.

I just don't want to say anything right now, and that's usually when shit hits the fan. I don't wanna exist right now. It's such a forceful feeling, and what am I supposed to do except what I know?

I just want today to end. It was a good day, or at least better than most, but I'm tired. I just want to sleep, and preferably better than I did last night. Guess I couldn't expect A to keep all of the dreams away. Eventually I will have to face them, but hopefully not for a while. I wish I could just forget.

I just need to breathe. One day should definitely not be so difficult to get through. It is a little easier with my boyfriend here next to me, willing to help. I just have to reach out and accept it, and let him help me. I have to want to help myself. Which I honestly don't want to, and I don't know why I don't want to. I wouldn't even know how to accept his help if I ever did want to. 

I don't even feel like I have enough energy to hope for a tomorrow. I just want to take a break. I want there to be an endless amount of hours between the end of today and the beginning of tomorrow where time does not exist. Where feelings, thoughts, memories.. Do not exist. Just an emptiness to rest in before gearing up to take on tomorrow.

I can't let that weariness show. I have to be stronger than my fatigue, than my thoughts. I can't let them drown me, if not for the sake of me then for the sake of A. I wouldn't want him to see that. But if that's what it comes to, then I can't stop him from seeing it.

I will be fine. I have to. But my control is slipping. 

Let's Begin Again

So today would have been day 5 of complete fasting. Except my boyfriend was starting to get more adamant about it,,,; I was really trying not to, but I guess I didn't try hard enough.

The end result was two and a half chicken tenders (233) and he tried to get me to drink a milkshake but I only took a sip (50).

When I looked up the nutritional info, I saw that the milkshake was just too much. I couldn't make my throat open enough to take another bite. It was good though.

So my total intake for the day is going to be around 300. I guess I can deal with that, but I really wanted to be empty. At least it didn't stop the head rushes and the bullshit with my vision. That proves that my body is hungry still, which means that it will burn fat. 

Which means I might actually see a lower number on the scale tomorrow. I really need to just get there already. I am so fucking close to my goal, and then its off to my next one. I have to keep going lower and lower. I have to keep myself in control because one slip up and all my hard work is out the window. I love this feeling - like I am weightless and like I could just float away. It's such a nice change from feeling every centimeter of space I take up, all the while deserving none of it.

I am so grateful that my boyfriend cares about me enough to want to keep me from passing out... But it's impossible for him to understand how much I hate myself and my fear of food. They aren't such common things, at least not in the usual sense.

How do you explain something like that, that sounds so absolutely crazy?

I have been tripping today. Mentally i don't feel all put together because it took so long for mei form a sentence with the  keep seeing shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and sometimes when I look at something it just doesn't look right and I have to wait a minute for it to look as it should. I feel especially jumpy and anxious today, and I can't figure out why.

I straight up almost flipped shit on my back porch earlier because I am not strong enough to face my fears. I know they will just get worse from here on out, if I don't face them soon. But that feels impossible for many different reasons. And I only seem to infuriate myself even more. This cycle is all too easy to get sucked into.

Played some mind games with my mom earlier. She was upset over something she neglected to tell me, and then refused when I offered her a redud basically. So to spite me she took the one thing she just gave me. A chance to see my brother who I haven't seen in over 10 years. How could you do something like that?

I don't know about even going there on my own because I don't know shit about the system. But that was just such an amazing opportunity, gone almost as fast as it appeared. I made her really mad and "fucked her over" just like everyone else, she said she wasn't gonna go. So I don't fucking know, but I DO know that my chances to see him are limited to a short span of time, and time seems to move all too fast these days.

It's like I can't blink or I will miss an entire week. It's just passing by, and I want it to slow down.

I am waiting for my anxiety to fade from earlier, although I want to exercise. I feel like shit though, so I don't want to at the same time. Of course it's obvious what Ana says.

Logically I know that eating 300 calories isn't gonna make me gain 5 lbs. I just hate the uncomfortable feeling of my stomach processing a foreign substance: food. I feel like I can just feel the fat sticking to everywhere it doesn't need to be

I think I'm slightly over-emotional today.

I still haven't spoken to my best friend properly in a while, but I just want to forget our issues and move on. At the same time this makes R slightly a liability and just another thing to figure out, though.

I think eating made me tired, and if that is the case then I may be in trouble. I could walk to and from work.

I can't eat and then be so lazy and sleep! I have to use those empty calories and get this shit out of my stomach, but all I wanna do is curl up in a ball next to A and just be. That's been the gist of today. We were out all of last night taking pictures as watched the sun come up. It was pretty neat actually, and I got some pretty decent photos from it.

So we came back to my house at around 6am and although neither of us has done all that much today, that's alright. Well, it was. Now I wish I had the ability to purge or that I hadn't eaten at all. I'm scared of the food being in my body.

I just gotta chill.

Mellow out and stop trippin. I am not sure of what we are doing tonight, but the one thing I know for sure is that I am going to have a negative net before the end of the dàys.

Well writing isn't helping my anxiety at all, and so I guess that's all I have to say for now. Maybe I will have better luck drowning out my thoughts with music. And of course there's my boyfriend right there (; that's distraction enough. I just gotta get rid of it and I will be fine. I will begin fasting again tomorrow and do better. I will reach my goals.

I have nothing if not my self control.

Damn.

I am honestly about to not go home. I went there to charge my phone and wait for my boyfriend to get off work, but I didn't make it past the kitchen because it was full of moths. I am honestly willimg to bet that there were around 40. Some fluttering rapidly, some still.

The sound of a moth or anything fluttering against a window makes me cringe. Actually, that is kind if am understatement. I just can't deal with it. I don't know why I hate moths as much as I do, but is a paralyzing fear. I can't remember ever not having this fear. So im gonna sit on the sidewalk for a while and them meet my boyfriend when he gets off work so he can disregard thee note I left him tellimg him where to meet me.

I honestly fucking hate myself for being this afraid.
I wish I was dead, since it is a fear I cannot escape. Fuck me.

Looking Up

Today started in kind of a rush, because after two days' worth of being up, I had to come down. And down I did. I slept for 13 hours, waking up only to realize that it was 11:30 and that A was late to work.

So he rushed out the door to get to work and I took my time to get ready for the day and at least be a little productive.

I got some of my laundry done, took a shower, cleaned my room a bit, and weighed myself.

The result is that I have lost around 7 lbs from the last time I weighed, and am 2 lbs below the lowest I had weighed before this point.

Only 2 lbs away from my next goal, but still not low enough.

It's a hell of a lot better than the gain I was expecting though, so I will take it.

This morning I would have bet that today would be a bad day. But I wanted to test something, and so I went outside and sat in the sun for a few minutes. I took some deep breaths, smoked a cigarette, and calmed my mind. I went back inside and continued what I was doing and it definitely made a difference. It calmed me down enough to where I could actually focus, think, and be. It was the start of today actually being a good day.

Today is day 3 of fasting. I was about to pass out, so I drank a can of soda (160) and once I went to meet my boyfriend he gave me a smoothie to drink. I ended up only taking a few sips though, so ill guess on the lower end. Not a bad intake, and still no solid food. If I can keep this up, I know I will be losing weight and meeting my goals in no time.

I am beginning to understand how going up can become so addicting. After seeing my weight this morning, I definitely want to get it again. I don't have money until the first though, so unless my boyfriend can work something out, I'm gonna be pretty normal for the next week. I know I can keep myself in control, and if I can't I know that I have people such as my boyfriend and my mom to keep me in check. It won't become just another one of my addictions. I will stay strong

All it means is that I am going to have to work harder to keep losing, and not gain everything back.

I'm not sure when exactly I work this week because they scheduled me for around 40 hours, but I told them 2 weeks ago that I needed this week off. Just this one week. So I guess they are going to try to find coverage for my shifts, but I won't know until tonight.

As it stands right now, tomorrow I am supposed to work from 4 to 10. Six hours I am not excited to work. But nothing I can do until then except enjoy my day off. It's nearly 5pm here, so the day is almost over. But I might as well enjoy it while it is here.

One of the strangest feelings is to smile. Not a fake smile, and not a smile for the people around me. Not a smile that is hiding something, or a lie. I mean a genuine smile. I can't remember the last time I smiled like that, but this feeling is good. Today I smile because I am genuinely happy, because it feels good to smile. I only hope it can stay this way.

I got some amazing news earlier that made this day all the more better. I am free entirely from my past. I not entirely, then pretty fucking close. The only part that is left to haunt me is the memories inside of my head. But I gained freedom today, and that is more than enough for me.

One day, I will no longer be defined by my past. Today I made a huge step towards that goal, and there is nowhere to go except up.

Thoughts

I have eaten absolutely nothing today, and yet I still feel so fat.

This is my second day in a while that my total cals intake is below 300. And net cals are negative. 

I really hope that it shows on the scale tomorrow. I don't feel like it will. I don't feel empty either and that makes me anxious. I could take laxatives, I suppose. But given that it is so late and I didn't want to put food in my stomach, I didn't take them.

This next week will be kind of difficult without my cheats, but I don't want to undo all the hard work I have done... Depending on the scale.

I seriously fucked myself up today.. I didn't really feel like I was in my head and I kept zoning out. I literally sat in a car for damn near 11 hours... With only my iPod and its apps to keep me occupied. Somehow I managed to not go crazy and the only thing I can think of to explain how that is possible is "zoning out". I kept fading in and out of reality today, and though I can't remember where I might have gone, I guess I scratched/popped pimples ap my arms and have been biting my nails from anxiety. I managed to burn myself with another cigarette, cut my fingers a few times with my blade, and faceplant/ give myself a bruise. I swear, today has been a day. I didn't even do all that much with my day, yet somehow I managed to accomplish so much in the way of pain. Hmm. At least they are things that I can explain or don't seem so suspicious. Or maybe I am just fooling myself. Either way, I can hide most of it.

I am finally starting to feel tired as I haven't slept in a full 52 hours. Ironically enough though, if I had the means to get more up, I would. I would so keep doing it if I could. But for the next week, I can't.

I guess I will just try not to think too much about my weight until I can weigh myself and know for sure tomorrow. In the meantime, I need to find a distraction.

Actually, I don't even want a distraction. I want to either go up so I can enjoy more energy, or I want to go wayy down into nothingness. No thoughts. No feelings. No dreams. Just empty.

A lot of people dislike that feeling, but most don't realize how much of a bliss it is. The extents I would go to in order to feel that peaceful numbness, if it was possible. Sometimes it might be, but it is only fleeting.

It is gone almost as soon as it appears, but the memory never truly fades. That is what keeps me going, towards the very thing that will destroy me.

 

Rambles

I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I've been flying high with Jenny recently, and I fucking love it. I know I should be tired if nothing else, but I definitely have no intentions of sleeping anytime soon. I want to push myself and see just how far I can go. Until I fall.

I haven't been hungry at all these past two days, so no food for me. Liquids, mostly. That's what I have been surviving on. I still don't know my weight... I don't think I can handle knowing it unless its lower than it was last time.. At least 5lbs lower.

My boyfriend A doesn't believe I need to lose more weight, but he also doesn't see what I used to be. I will not stand to be fat another day, another second, another year. I would rather be dead. I have gotten better, but it is still not enough.

It's almost noon here today as well, and all I have had is a little bit of tea mixed with lemonade. I didn't even drink most of it, though I am the one that wanted it.

I don't work today, and I am so thankful. Last night I was scheduled to work from 1 to 6:30. A nice, easy shift. But as it turns out, someone walked out yesterday and they were short on staff. People weren't showing up when scheduled, and as a result they asked me to stay until 9. I eventually agreed, without realizing that 9 would mean 10, which would turn into 11... Towards the end of my shift, we were getting a rush. There were a lot of people placing large orders and not enough people to make it happen, well.. Quickly. So customers were getting upset, and my manager was basically throwing a temper tantrum. I don't know what else to call it. She was slamming things, bitching at everyone, panicking, and it definitely rubbed off on everyone. She was getting on my case for little things that normally wouldn't matter and I was so ready to walk out of there, at the cost of my job or not. I just couldn't take anymore of their bullshit. Fortunately enough, she told me to leave, saying she would deal with my drawer and clock me out. The only thing she didn't realize was that by staying until 11, I got around 5 hours of overtime. Which, as of recently, nobody is allowed to get overtime. They were so worried about it that they said if anyone got overtime, they were going to start restricting hours to control overtime. I am not too sure about the validity of this statement, but either way, it could end fine or it could end badly. I hope it works out.

I am supposed to have this week off, as I told them I was going on a college visit trip. Which I am supposed to be going on, but since I don't have my GED yet I can't go. That's the other thing. I am so unsure of how to go about getting this GED. They changed it and it seems to be a lot more complicated than I originally thought it would be. I am working on it though.. Because it is something I need to do for myself. I need to feel equal again. I need to prove to myself as well as my family that I am not a failure. That I am stronger than they could have ever guessed. I refuse to be held back.

So I pretty much have this entire week off, aside from 2 days. Somewhere around 17 hours. I still haven't decided if I want to go back to my job or not, or just leave and find another. Because as much as I need a job, there is only so much bullshit that I can stand to deal with before I snap and say enough. Last night was definitely a test of that limit. -sigh- Well, if nothing else, I am not there anymore, and don't have to be at least until Sunday. I guess I will see how I feel by then.

I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my day. My boyfriend works all day, and there isn't really anywhere I wanna be. I don't know what I want to do with myself today, and I hate it so much. I hate not having something to do, somewhere to go, or things to do during the day. He works like 5 mins away from my house though, which is convenient because I can go there. Or I could sit here in the grass outside his work until he gets off in like... 10 hours from now. But I don't want to be lazy. I need something to do to keep my mind occupied. My boy basically told me that if I feel like harming myself, I need to come find him. He said that even if he is working, he would rather put me first. He would rather I take my emotions out on him, than take them out on myself. But I don't think I could ever do that. Not without a reason to validate such violence. He wants to talk through the times when I feel like cutting, rather than letting me cut. But I honestly don't know what good talking does. It brings guilt, shame, and more hatred toward myself, and I don't think it could really help. At least not in the sense that he is wanting it to.

I have known my best friend since middle school, so roughly 6 or 7 years. We have been through some shit together, and somehow she still wants to be my friend. I would trust her with my life, above almost anyone else. I asked her for a slight favor this morning, one I have asked for before. I have also held true to my words in past situations and never screwed her over. She basically replied that she can't help me because she "hasn't seen me in... Idk how long".

Seriously.

It simply comes down to the fact that she has a job, maybe two. I have a job and work a lot. She isn't good with answering texts, and usually when I get the chance I try to talk to her but our conversations don't last long.

I feel like I went from being right by her side to being thrown backwards into the dust. Which... I hesitate to believe that she would actually do that, because surely I have to mean more than that, right? After 7 years, you would think so too, right? I don't really know what she means by the fact that she can't help me out because she doesn't see me.. It almost feels like she is playing mind games. Which in a sense I can understand, but at the same time, maybe I was foolish enough to believe that it wouldn't happen to me. Not from her anyways. I don't really know what she said in response when I asked her to elaborate because my boyfriend has my phone right now and I told him he could use it for music today since he works a lot.

When I started writing this post I was fine. I felt a little frustrated but it was nothing. It seems like the more I write and the more I put my thoughts to paper (or in this case the keyboard) the more my thoughts spiral downward. The more I want to cut, the more anxious I feel.

Why do I want to cut? I can't clearly define my reason, and I can't define the trigger.

I just know that I do and that I was triggered. I know that right now if my boy was here, he would want to know what happened. I don't know how to explain it.  He would want me to come find him at work. But I honestly don't think it is important enough and he definitely doesn't need to worry about me today. He is at work, that is what should be his focus. If I cut, I cut. What can I do but apologize later?

^ this is why I am so afraid to lose him. He wants me and he wants to give me a chance. I am thoroughly fucking up my chances with him, a little bit at a time.

He deserves better. So much better. Someone smarter, prettier, stronger. Anyone except me. And I just know that whether I want to or not, if I keep doing things this way, I will lose him.

The other day I was talking to him about addiction. I happened to mention my addiction to starving and one of the first responses that he had was along the lines of "You aren't Anorexic, you just wish you could be and I don't know why you would want that"... And that was an extremely triggering comment. I don't think he would even think to rethink his words for that one because to most people that wouldn't be offensive. But I don't think I will be forgetting that anytime soon.

It *almost* makes me feel like I have something to prove, like it was a challenge although logically I know that is not how he meant it. Not by a long fucking shot, but I am still triggered.

I saw a friend of mine yesterday who also suffers (or at least did) with Anorexia. She was so tiny, so fragile. She is beautiful, and I can just imagine what she would be thinking about me after seeing her yesterday.

I'm fat. I'm lazy. Worthless. Wannabe. Weak. Disgusting.

I honestly don't think she would be mistaken in thinking any of those things. She wouldn't ever say them to my face, but since I am a girl myself, I know how judgemental they can be. I wouldn't dare expect any less.

Maybe I can find a way to use this as motivation instead if just blind anger and hatred. Because I need to starve so I don't have to feel. So I can be numb.

But that is easier said than done these days. It is an all or nothing thing in that I either feel nothing at all and am completely numb... Or I feel everything from the worst to the best. I can't pick and choose what to feel and what not to feel. What should I choose?

On an entirely different note, I think I might notice the slightest difference in my body. My wrists are smaller and more skeletal, as are my hands. I have the slightest little thigh gap, and I can fit my hand through it. My thighs still touch though, and that bothers the shit out of me. I am still fat, and I may be crazy. In fact I know I am. But these tiny little changes give me hope that I might one day be something I can stand. Not now, but maybe someday. Maybe.

I never seem to stop wanting to fade. To disappear, to stop existing. Even now, in the midst of what I would dare to call happiness, the desire to disappear and fade is always lurking. Waiting for that one moment when everything isn't picture perfect and then it sneaks up and  I somehow always fall for it. I believe that it would be best, but then shit gets a reality check and things just get more and more complicated.

I wish things could be simple.

But it seems these days that simple is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

So I guess I will just stumble around until I fall, hoping to steady myself in the process.

Fear Controls Me

I got high last night... The kind of high where I can fly. It was nice, and I am glad that I got to share that oppertunity with my boyfriend, A.

It was fun for the most part, except I started freaking out and crying on my back porch. He was there with me, and as soon as he went inside its like the floodgates opened. I didn't want him to see me cry, and I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes..

I'm tired of living in fear...

Fear of life.

Fear of my body.

Fear of my weight, and of food.

A rediculous fear of moths.

Fear of things that I cannot control.

Fear of the unknown..

So basically... Everything.

He seems to promise that I can get better. That things can improve. I want to believe him, but how do you turn your back on the only thing you have ever known?

It is kind of a given that he wants me to stop cutting. But do I want to? He says I don't need the blade anymore, but what will replace it?

I am afraid to repeat history again... But how can I stop it? I can only predict it, and watch it happen.

I feel so helpless.

I cut the other day while he was at work, because I needed him... But I also needed a reason to not deserve him. At first he asked what happened, and he wanted to talk to me about it. I didn't want to talk to him, because as soon as I started to open up, I got slammed with guilt. I got out of his car and started walking, and for once he followed. Everyone else in my life would just watch me walk away... But he chased me and brought me back.

I can honestly say that I'm happy with him, but I fear that same happiness because I know well that it can disappear as soon as it appears.
I know that my insecurities are going to get in the way... But how do I stop that?
I wish I could escape my head.

I fear attention..
Whenever I am out and about, I know that people notice me. They stare, they comment about me... Whether it be my weight, my scars, or my perso.ality. All I want to do is hide. But that is just another thing that I can't control.
When will I stop being afraid to live?

How do I eradicate this guilt that clings to me like a second skin?
There is so much guilt over so many different things that they just kind of blend together and I can only identify it as fear.

When will I start deserving him?
If I don't change soon, I could lose him. The one good thing in my life that has begun to heal me.. I can't lose that.
I know I have been with him for a very short time, but it feels like forever. I don't feel like we were ever strangers. Things are just easy and natural for us, when I don't get in the way.
But that seems to be what I am good at - getting in the way.

I wish I could escape myself, my head, my life. My fat body.
But it isn't that easy.. Not anymore.
I need him, but in the same breath I can't need anyone because need equals vulnerability. And that has only lead to destroying me farther.

I got a tattoo that says "Destroy what destroys you" because I hope one day I can be a survivor and not a victim. But how do you define the two? I am a long ways away from that, and yet I feel short on time. Every second passes too quickly, each minute gone before I can blink. Days feel like seconds, and I want it to slow down. I need more time, but for what? Why am I so desperate for time, when I am so afraid of the things I can't control? How could I even entertain the thought that I could control time?
It is a hopeless fantasy.

I almost want to keep marking the passage of time with marks in my skin, but can I? Our do I only think I can?
My thoughts build and build until they drown me, and when I fall beneath the waves, the blade is always there to pull me back. Compensation is always there to help as well, but I am changing without warning and I don't know what that means anymore. Is it good or bad? Maybe both?

I guess I can only learn to live with this fear, because I don't have the control and to say I could be in control would only be a lie. Not that those are uncommon for me, but I don't want them to be anymore.

So what is it that I want?
I don't even know.
So I leave with still no answers.
As always.

Hah

My life right now is too perfect. I work, spend time with my boyfriend, and sleep. I'm usually always with my boyfriend except when I am at work, and I love it just because I know he will get tired of me and I want to be with him as much as possible before that happens.

Since I dropped out of school, I hadn't really tried to get my GED. I have been focusing on getting a job and saving for an apartment and didnt have the money for a GED. But I do right now and therefore have been working on getting it. Hmm..

My weight has gone down since I last weighed... But I haven't weighed in a few days.. I haven't had the time or energy to bother, but for selfish reasons. I enjoy making myself anxious because I don't know my weight. That's fucked up and I know it. I'm gonna weigh soon thoigh, I feel like I have gained, but know I have lost.

I think I want to get "What we believe we manifest" tatted on my arm... And I get the chance again on July 1st. Should I? Thoughts might be appreciated...

Speaking of which... Who are my readers still? If anyone? I know I haven't posted so much in a while... But I do wonder if anyone reads my blog. Leave me a comment if you do?

I called my mom earlier, just to talk to her. She asked what I was doing and I told her where I was. She immediately told me I am wasting my life and my time. Wasting my chances, my seconds. She told me I was stupid and said some other stupid shit and then I hung up on her. Aye. >.<

Update

This post was supposed to be published about a week or so ago, but I only just realized that it didn't post. So here it is now.

I have no idea what my weight is because it's that time of the month. But I have been relatively good in terms if food.

Todays intake looks like:
1/2 of a nutrigrain bar (80)
Small glass of soda (150?)
Chips (80)
Special K crisps (100)
Total: 410

A lot of that was low in fat or at least had as much protein as it did fat, so im trying to not feel so bad about that. Plus, if I eat nothing else today, that shouldn't be so bad.. Right?

I work 7 hours again today.. From 2 to 9. I don't even want to go today because yesterday was so much bullshit.
I was working drive thru and front counter during a dinner rush last night and there were a lot of cars in the drive thru. I was trying to get food out as fast as I could to keep our times low and the manager on my shift started bitching at me because there were customers in the lobby and I hadn't has a chance to help them yet. After she finished bitching at me for that, she started telling another worker all about who I was and what I was doing wrong.
That's only part of the bullshit, but I will just say that by the end of my shift I was ready to punch her I'm the face. And I get to do it all over again today. Ugh.

I finally moved out of my dads house and into the place I'm renting. I don't really know what to call it, but I guess it's home now. I don't know how to feel about living there. Like am I supposed to just fade into the background and get in the way as little as possible or is there another way I should be going about this? I have so many questions but very little answers. I still don't know if she is gonna make me pay rent or not, but I just don't feel right living in a house that isn't mine without paying whoever to let me live there.

I talked to A the other day, and he said that right after he got to where he was going with his friend, he got stopped and his friend spilled the beans about some stuff that they weren't supposed to have and his friend ended up going to jail. So his whole trip basically got ruined and in about 2 or so days, they are coming back here and staying. Which I guess is good but it sucks that it had to happen that way.

I don't really have much else going on in my life right now, it just feels like a lot I guess. I'm growing up now and I'm not really sure how to go about it. Money is everything in a sense, but at the same time there is so much more to life than money. I haven't quite figured out that balance yet.
So it's just to keep trying to survive until I do, I guess.

A

These past few days it has felt like I've spent the majority of my time with that guy A I met a few weeks ago.

A few days ago we were hanging out after I got off work and we ended up going to this lookout area where you can see the cities, but it was over a highway. We had to climb this huge mountain to get to the top but it was so worth it. We just sat there and looked at the lights, and we talked. I remember that around 2am we tried going back down the mountain, so we could sit in his car because I was getting cold. On the way down I couldn't stand upright. He said he would keep me from falling but I couldn't seem to take one step without falling on my ass. So I slid down the mountain on my foot and couldn't stop laughing when I reached the bottom.

There was another day that I went with him to hang out at his friends house. He is pretty cool, but I remember this night he asked me if I felt like drinking. I agreed, just because. Throughout the night we listened to music, and we played beer pong. I had never played, but I thought it was fun to learn anyways. Turns out I'm not too bad at it. (; Then after we finished that, at around 3am, we ended up playing Kings Cup. It's basically a game where you find it almost impossible not to be drunk. Which, y'know.. That's half the fun! I had this bet going with A that because I am such a lightweight I couldn't keep up with him, and that I would tap out before he did. Well, I realized one thing if nothing else.. I am always going to be the designated driver.
I mean, when someone tries to get drunk, they don't usually fail. I did. His friend had to be at work at 5:30, and I remember that at around 5 I fell asleep on A's lap. I finally gave up on the fun and wanted to sleep. That was a good night for me.

When A told me that he liked me, he caught me off guard and I didn't really know how to respond. I told him that I just got out of a relationship and that I didn't want to jump into another one right away. But.. Now I realize how untrue that is. I haven't really been with anyone since January, and I realized how much I do want to be with someone. So I ended up telling A that I liked him as more than a friend. That I wanted him to stay here in my state and be with me versus moving out of state.
He basically said that if I still feel the same way next week when he gets back from "vacation", we can see about being together. I probably shouldn't be excited about that, but I am.

Last night after I got off work I really wanted to chill out and destress. So I called A and asked him what he was doing and he said he was at a party and asked if I wanted to go. I agreed, so he came to get me and we ended up driving out to the lake and sitting on top of the dam for a while. We talked, and joked around and when it got too cold we drove to the park and stargazed. I was pretty happy to just be there, looking at the stars, laying next to him. Eventually we left that park too, and we went back to the lake. We ended up falling asleep on the dock and around 4:30 we went back to his car to warm up. I think we both crashed there as well until about 8. I know how stupid that probably sounds, but there is just something about this kid that I like.
He is almost 20, so about 2 years older than I am. He isn't a bad guy, and I don't know why I like him. But I do. We have fun, he likes to do crazy things. He makes me laugh, and smile. I don't know though. I don't know if he still plans on moving, and if he does then I don't want to open my heart to him. I don't want him to be able to leave like that and hurt me. I mean, I have only known him for about a few weeks, I don't think this can be normal. There's probably an underlying reason as to why I want to be around him.. But I don't care.
He asked me to drive with him on this "vacation" he is taking for a week. I told him that I wanted to, and I do. I really fucking wanted to go with him. I just couldn't afford to get an entire week off of work and therefore I have to stay. But maybe, when he comes back.. He will still want to be around me.
Because he is cool. Being around him is easy. He's respectful, a gentleman, he makes me laugh.

I mean, what's not to like?
Should I go for it or am I being crazy?