A look inside my head

This morning I had 90 minute classes, and I have an off hour. So, 90 minutes to work. Which I needed.
When I got to school, all the thoughts started. So here we go:
Me: I'm tired. Coffee. It'll warm me up, and get me awake. I will go get some coffee :D
Ana: Coffee has calories. You don't drink it black, but you should. How many calories are in your coffee? 500? More? You don't deserve the coffee, fat ass. Do you want to be fat for the rest of your life?!!
Me: But I need it. It's beneficial. And I promise I won't eat the rest of the day. It will even out.
Ana: No calories is better.
Me: But I'm cold, and tired. Just one. That's all, I will burn it off later. All of it, and more.
Ana: Fine. But you are not eating for the rest of the day.
So while I was drinking my coffee, the mental loop started.
Ana: Fat ass, whore, skank, fatty, weak, needy, worthless, useless, failure, hopeless, coward, ugly, stupid, bitch. And repeat.
I tried to do work, but I got so anxious and jittery, and I couldn't sit still. So I gave up after 30 minutes, got up and walked around, so I didn't have to think, and because it burns calories. It helped, but only slightly.
Lunchtime (11 am)
Me: I have money, but I don't want to spend it for lunch.
Ana: Good. You don't deserve it anyway. You look like a whale.
Me: Maybe I could buy an energy drink. It has some calories, but they're liquid calories so they don't count. And it would give me more energy. Which I could use to burn more calories.
Ana: You already had the coffee, so no. You don't need more calories. Fuck you. Fat ass.
Me: I'm hungry, it would help fill the hunger. Or what if I ate something low cal? Something healthy; it would make me feel less guilty about eating, and then I could use it for energy.
Ana: NO. YOU WILL NOT EAT. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT. Besides, do you really want people laughing at you? I mean, look at you. People laugh at you when you admit you have an ED, or they would. You're too fat. No. Walk around, burn calories, bitch.
Me: Fine. Today can be a fasting day. I don't want to eat anyways. I have better things to spend my money on.
Ana: Like what? You're useless, helpless, and fat. Oh, and don't forget worthless. It would only be a waste. Like you.
Me: I'll climb stairs.
So I climbed about 30 sets of stairs, up and down, up and down, for my lunch period. I wanted to sit in the library and do work, but I still felt anxious.
My Chem teacher: Hey, want to come take the Chem test you missed?
Me: No. I'm not ready.
Her: *Gives me strange look* Do you enjoy being mediocre? Failing?
Me: I don't understand the material. I want to study more first, then take it tomorrow.
Her: Tomorrow is the last day you can take it, when will you come in? Why not take it today?
Me: Because I need help. I am trying to find a tutor, or someone who understands Chemistry.
Her: You should come get help from me. I am your teacher, that's what I'm for. When you come decide to take it, I'll be in my room. I'll be waiting for you to come get help.
Like I would ever get help from her? No. But thanks for putting me down. I'll add that to my list of mental insults. Mediocre.
At the end of lunch, in a daze, not really in my body, I walked to the lunchroom. I wanted a cookie, but I was just going to look. I wasn't going to actually eat anything.
Ana: Don't go in there. You know you will end up buying something, like the weak, pathetic person you are. Don't do it.
Me: I'm just gonna get water. I forgot my water bottle today.
...... Well, long story short, I left the lunchroom with 2 sugar cookies (500) and Baked! Hot Cheetos (120)...
Ana: See? You're worthless. You couldn't even manage that. Did you end up getting water? No. You're pathetic. Why don't you just end your life? You aren't worthy of staying here anyways. You're such a failure. Eating Disorder my ass. You're just attention seeking and worthless. I mean, you've been "admitting" to your suicidal thoughts and plans for a while now. But guess what? You're still here, and so am I bitch!
Me: Shut up. I hate you. I hate me. I hate everything and everyone. I'll prove you wrong. I'll do it. I'll die. Then nobody will be laughing. Or they will, but fuck them. I won't care.
Ana: Whatever, I'll believe it when I see it. Besides, you know you're going to eat the cookies and Cheetos and then you're going to hate yourself more.
Me: Maybe I want to hate myself. Besides, I can just burn it off later.
Ana: Let's see.... No. Go ahead and eat it, you fat ass. You're so pathetic. You won't burn it off later, you can't. You're a failure. Such a joke for living on this earth. Everyone is probably laughing at you.
Me:.....
After school, I went to Dairy Queen. Why? Because I knew it would increase my self hatred. I wanted to be angry, and I wanted that fucking ice cream. Hahahahahah. Fuck.
After eating it, I felt so bad. I wanted to purge, but I couldn't. I hate not having a gag reflex, I wanted to cut, but I didn't have my razor blade, and I wanted to die, but I can't right now. Soon, maybe.
Ana basically tore me apart. I don't even want to repeat what she said, I don't even think it was important.
Only one thing was clear, I was not allowed to sit down again, or sleep. I gave up that right, when I ate the Ice Cream. No, instead I would spend the rest of my night exercising. I wanted to do some work, and I've tried. But I have too much anxiety and I can't concentrate. My back hurts from standing so much, and running up and down stairs. I'm tired, but I can't stop. I have to keep going. Writing this has given me a small release, and I hope this can serve a later purpose. I'm not sure what at the moment.

In case you wanted another example of how Ana controls my life, here's one.
I need to pee. Maybe that's too much information. But as it stands right now, I am not allowing myself. Because since my bladder is craving relief, I am hopping, dancing, fidgeting, and shaking my legs. Therefore, moving, burning calories. I realize I could do that without needing to use the restroom, but simply because I need to, I am not allowing myself too. Or Ana isn't. Instead, I sit stand here and drink my water.

My head is a fantastic place to be.
This is my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I rarely sleep anymore. Or not much. Ana and I refuse. Or Ana does. It's a constant battle. It's exhausting, but it's who I am.

Hopefully, if you didn't already know, now you know what it's like to live in my head.