Realizations Don't Mean Change

I'm not sure how to start this post off, or how to say what it is that I want to say.
So therefore, I'll just skip the pretty introductions, and jump right in. Here goes.

I don't want to be this way forever.
I don't want to be disordered forever.
There are two things in which I really want. Two things that I really crave, and that I believe I need more than anything. As much as I wish I didn't.

The first - I need to be 115.
I can't explain why, because I know that at 115 I will probably just hate myself as much as I do now, at a much higher weight. I know that it won't matter to anyone else what weight I am, and it won't make me popular (not that I want to be) and it won't make me prettier (I wish it would.) I know all of this.
So why do I keep pushing for it when I know that ultimately it won't change anything?
I think I keep pushing for it because I hate myself so much, sometimes I surprise myself. I know for a fact that I won't keep living in this hatred, and I don't want to. Losing the weight and trying to reach that magic number of 115, is my attempt at making me hate myself less.
While I know all of the above things are true, here is the flip-side. I won't stop until I reach 115. I won't stop until I get there, until there is physically nothing more I can do. I won't stop until.. until what? I don't know what it is that will make me stop. I don't know what it is that will make me realize that this isn't the way. I read just as many recovery blogs as I do eating disorder blogs. I don't know why I do that either. Maybe I just want to see what life is like on the other side, on the better side. I don't want this. And I could say that I will change my ways, having made this realization. But I would be lying. I know myself enough to know that I am like a rottweiler  When I lock on to something, it's almost impossible to make me let go of it until I reach that goal. You can try all you want, but it just isn't possible. That is both good and bad. If I were to lock that determination of something good, well then it is a good thing. But when I lock it on something bad, you see what happens.

The second realization that I had is that I am wasting my life.
I don't exactly know what I would be doing with my time if I wasn't obsessing over fat, food, calories, weight, and everything else. I wouldn't suddenly have a bunch of friends here to hang out with, I wouldn't suddenly have the perfect life, or be happy with myself. I would just be left with a lot of free time.
Well, and the fact that I don't think  I can ever imagine myself not having an eating disorder or hating myself. I can't imagine a life without it.
If I'm honest, I'm afraid of a life without it. It's all I've come to know myself by, and if I give that up, what would I be?
I want a life, there are so many things I should be doing, so many things I want to be doing. But I just don't feel like it's possible. They say that your high school years are the best years of your life. If that is true, then I am fucked.
I really hope that college is better. I hope by then I can at least make something of myself. Something to eradicate this feeling that I'm wasting my life. Because I really don't want to. It scares me, that I'm wasting my life. But at the same time, I need to.

I do kinda owe these realizations to Eve because I read her post "Hungry?" and it got me thinking.
Thinking doesn't always do you good, but hopefully this time it will.