Gotta take the good with the bad!!

I don't feel like I've written much lately, but mostly because there's so much to say. I don't have the words. Here's to trying again!

Tuesday, 9/11 wasn't very eventful. I wasn't feeling much too happy, but I wasn't bad either. I was just there. I just wanted to be in my own head space. It was a rather nice day yesterday, and I got to help a friend take Senior Pictures, so we got to have some fun there. And it rained!!! OMG!!! I love the rain! :D I was sooo happy!

Then today..... we'll it's just been complicated.
This morning I woke up at 6:30, only to realize I didn't have to be to school until 9. But I went to take a shower, only then realizing my dad was in there so I had to wait. Yeah, that's right. My dad's. He left for a trip this morning, and yeah, things haven't been so bad between me and him. But being back here just brings everything back. I just feel dark, pissed off, hateful, I don't feel like me. Or rather, who I've become - the happy, upbeat, recovering, excited person I've been for the last few weeks.
Anyways, I had a good time getting ready, but ran a little late, so I had to hurry to get to the bus stop. As I was doing so, 3 cars passed by one right after the other, all near the curb, and since I had nowhere to go, I got splashed and soaked from head to toe. Great. After that, I was a little pissed, because all my schoolbooks were wet, I was soaked, my jacket was soaked, I didn't have anything to change into and I spent the rest of the day freezing.
I enjoyed the day though, because it was raining and that's my favorite weather. I had a yogurt parfait with bananas and granola for lunch, which was really good. I finished my fast, decided that 48 hours was long enough to consciously not eat. So I'm eating again, but I have to say, I'm proud of my willpower.
Then I fell asleep twice while I was in English, but it wasn't my fault! My teacher has a really monotone voice when she reads, and she read a lot to us today. Her voice just lulled me to sleep. Spanish wasn't bad, but it took forever!
Now that I'm home, and it's up to me to eat whatever I want, if I even want to at all; it feels like I shouldn't. I don't know what I'm gonna do, if I even am. I've been fighting a "To eat or not to eat" battle for the last 2 hours. Not sure who's winning. Or if it can ever be really won. I mean, sure I have moments where I control the ED, but the ED also controls me. I'm starting to lose track of what's what. Not a good thing. I haven't even sat down, because I don't want to. Standing is technically exercising, and if I'm standing, then there's less things to pick at myself about. I've been anxiously moving around since I got home, not sure what to do. I think I'm just gonna hop around, try to stay warm till I can go run.
I really wish I could have an open and honest conversation about my Bulimia with someone, but every time it gets brought up, I feel like it's almost immediately shot down. Like they'll listen to me because they have to, not because it actually matters. So then I don't want to discuss them with anyone, because it just feels like I'm talking to air. I guess I'm just hoping for too much. But I also wish I was strong enough to do this on my own. I honestly contemplated telling my aunt what I'm going through, but then I realized I couldn't. I don't want anyone in my family to know. They can't. They've got so much to deal with right now, I'm not sure they could take it. And if I'm honest, neither can I.
Anyways, enough of that for now. I'll just ignore it, try to push it away. In about an hour, I'm going running with a friend of mine, and I'm excited. I've been looking for someone to run with for the longest time, but nobody seems up to it. She said she would though, and I honestly can't wait! Last night I got to run for a little while, and that made me feel a little calmer, a little more like me. Hopefully that will happen again tonight.
I feel like my weeks are really long, and my weekends really short, like I can't get enough recuperation for my life. I feel like it's all going 123.2 miles per hour. Always. Never slowing down. But I'm not sure why, or how to stop it. Sometimes it makes me dizzy, but most the time I can ignore it and focus elsewhere. Most the time, I don't even mind it. I've been reading a lot lately, it's been pretty nice. And now that I'm here dog sitting, it'll be nice to finally get some space to myself.
I feel like one giant mass of emotions, where some of them are bad, some are good, but you can't really draw a line, or define who is what. Or rather, what is what. It all just feels like one giant ass thing, and I'm just the one who gets to deal with it. Not even sure if that's good or bad. See? My head is just a jumble of random emotions, thoughts, and actions. One indistinguishable from the next. I'm actually surprised that I could write this post.