Untitled!

So I was fully intent on having a good day today, and for the most part I did. But all I'm feeling right now is anxiety. I have been trying to not eat unless I'm hungry, and that was going well. For some reason, my grandma has been asking me a lot about eating, exercise, and body image a lot recently. And I've told her pretty much all the standard stuff. Because I don't consider myself Bulimic anymore. I never really binge anymore, though sometimes I do overeat, which causes me to want to purge, but I never actually do anymore. But I don't know if that makes me healthy. Because I still want to do everything I can to get to my gw.

To be honest, I've actually thought about going on a crash diet. I know they don't generally work, but I need SOMETHING. Anything. I finally lost 3 lbs, but after tonight, I know I've gained at least that back. Which is stupid.

I bought a dress yesterday, for Homecoming. And I felt beautiful in it. Despite the fact that I could probably lose about 10 lbs.... I still liked it. I loved myself in it. And I just weighed myself yesterday, didn't really care what the scale said, but to my surprise, I was down 3 lbs. Which almost put me at one of my gw's.

And tonight I was fully intent on eating a late dinner, because I wasn't hungry. But then my grandma informed me that we had company coming over, and that I would have to eat with them. So I said whatever, I'd just eat a little less. But then when we got to actually eating, and since I wasn't hungry to begin with, I stopped paying attention to the food.

Alright, I'm gonna be totally honest here, for anyone that actually wants to read this stupid thing. I eat when I get bored. And when I eat because I'm bored I eat A LOT. That was my problem before, I ate when I wasn't hungry, and therefore gained a lot of weight. But I had been trying to change that. And I was doing well until now. Now I want to purge, punch something, or hurt myself in some way to keep me from doing it again. Pretty stupid, huh? The impulses aren't that strong, but they're getting stronger.

I feel like an emotional mess. I'm sad, because I ruined my diet. I'm pissed beyond everything, because I couldn't keep doing well. I had to over eat. And I'm pissed because I'm so full that I want to purge, and I'm pissed because it seems that people tell me "You can talk to me and I'll support you" but then when I reach out to them, like now, they don't help. They don't get it. They don't try to get it. They just assume that I'm fine. But right now, it doesn't feel like it. Yet I can't stop reaching out to people, trying to get them to understand. I don't know what it'll feel like to be free from this ED. I don't know if I ever could. I can't see it right now. And I don't know if I have the strength to do it. It feels like every time I go forward, I end up right back here. And I don't know why, what to do.

I feel like telling the world to fuck off. I hate this. People are not dependable. They never are. It's just a "I'll help you till it suits me" kinda thing. Only I'm tired of playing. Sure, it's nice to have friends, but not if they're only there for you in the good times. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean you can't try, or do SOMETHING. But no.

I can't even go run to clear my head, as it's dark and I'm not allowed to go out alone. Cuz my brother's not here. But right now, I don't care. I need to do something, and I guess writing it out helps in some way, but at the same time, it doesn't. I still want to purge, or hurt myself/take my anger out on an inanimate object. I.e. kicking a door, punching a wall. Anything. It's gotta help.

My best shot I guess is to go outside and do jumping jacks till I'm so tired I can't think straight. That's the only thing I can think of.

So congrats to you if you actually read this. Because honestly, I wouldn't have. I know how this sounds, and if it even makes any sense, well woo! But at the moment, I don't give a crap. I feel so full of everything. But not in a good way. God dammit. I hate this feeling. I hate it. I hate it.  I hate it. I hate it. Did I mention I hate it?!!!?????

*Puts head in hands* Ahhh!!!! I hate this. God damn. I'm so tired of this fight. I wish I could just give up. Just give in. Maybe I'm fighting an empty battle.............. Wow. I'm so melodramatic. Whatever........ :/