Thoughts..

Last night when I walked in the house, my grandma asked how the Festival was. Then once all of that was out of the way, she said casually "Your dad misses you."

Four words. That's all it took. I responded that he probably didn't, and she told me that he did, that he had said it. I don't believe her, I still don't. He never seems to.

Then she brought up the fact that I need to talk to him about it.... That I should start living over there for half the week, and here for the other half. I can't do that...

I am still so hurt by everything he's said, by telling me that I pretty much don't matter, that he's an adult, that I'm not, and therefore, I'm the one who has to change. I don't have to, and I don't want to either.

It's not just what he's said that's hurt, it's everything he's done. He doesn't feel like my dad. He's never taken an interest in anything I've done. Whether that be Colorguard, or my Violin, or music, or Forensic Science. He never has. I've never heard a compliment from him that felt like it meant something, he's always just told me to do whatever. And while that may be fine, I guess part of me doesn't want that. Part of me wants a dad that wants to give me hugs, that' interested in my life, even a little bit.

It's hard to forgive 16 years of hurt, in about 4 weeks... I can't do it. I know that he's reaching out to me, because he asked me to go bowling with him, (Spending time with me) and he wanted to go to the wedding with me too. And while that's exactly what I want, I need time now.

I don't want to be the one that's reaching back, because he doesn't understand. I can't ever explain to him how much he's hurt me, how I interpret the things he says. I just can't. Part of it is that I don't want to, but the other part is just that I don't have the words.

I am finally happy. I am happy being able to go to school so easily, being able to run, hang out with friends, do pretty much whatever I want. If I go back to my dads, I know that all the hurt and everything will just come back, and it'll keep getting worse. I don't feel free there like I do here.

And there's only so many times you can get hurt before enough is enough. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. Maybe once I'm 18, and I'm off to college, I can fix things with him. But right now, I can't.

I just want to sit on my own, cry until I can't cry anymore, hurt for everything. Because I am so used to pushing my feelings away, saying "If I don't acknowledge it, then it can't effect me." But I can't do that anymore, I don't want to. I've finally found something worth being happy about, something that makes me smile like an idiot, be happy, have goals again. And it's only happened since my dad hasn't been around. Maybe that makes me a bitch, or shallow. But really, I don't know any other options. I don't know how to explain it.

Even right now, writing this, I can't keep the tears at bay. Thinking about him, it just brings everything back. I don't even know how to begin healing from this, but I know I need time. 4 weeks isn't enough time. 1 month may not be enough time. 4 months may not be enough time. I don't know. But I know that I don't want to go back, I don't want to try to fix it.

For once, I am on the track to getting where I want to be, with an unchecked enthusiasm. And in case you don't know, here's my goals (In no particular order):

1. To get straight A's in school.

2. To complete my 30 Day Fitness Challenge.

3. To lose weight.

4. To start running, because I love it.

5. To find reasons to smile every day.

6. To love myself, however that may happen.

7. To finally and truly beat my ED.

These are my goals, and can't see any of them happening if I go back to my dad's.... Is that horrible? Does that make me a bad daughter? Am I wrong here? Should I forgive him? Any thoughts or ideas? I could sure use them..