Awkward start to a Monday

So today is not going anything like I planned.
Not exactly in a bad way... but not in an entirely good way either.

I had a good first period. Which was my off period. I was going to use it to work on an essay, and then when I looked for my papers, I couldn't find them, so the whole "I'm gonna be productive and work on my essay" thing totally failed.
Then I went to Psychology and we started learning about personality disorders, and I find that kind of stuff really interesting. So I wasn't lacking any thoughts or interest in that.

But as I expected, the awkwardness came. It couldn't stay at bay forever. Sitting next to her in classes, listening to her talk to people I used to be friends with. And knowing that I can't talk to them, or have another chance at fixing things... Well I just got mad. I don't even know what I really did, but knowing that I failed her in some way, that I could have done better, that I trusted one more time... and I got stabbed in the back.
It was just really awkward, me sitting there holding in everything that I wanted to say. Everything. Not saying a word, not letting her see that it was killing me to just let her go. But what else could I have expected? I guess I'm the only one that sees the future the way it pans out. Everyone else just tries to believe for the best. But I know better. There's no point in hoping, not until I can get out of this hole that I am digging for myself. The problem? I've said it many times before. Nobody listens.
I don't want out.
I can't get past the wrongdoings of my dad. Of the people around me. This kid told me "Sometimes it's best to forgive." and normally, I would forgive. But I don't feel like I can forgive this. It feels like too much, like I absolutely can't forgive this until I reach my goal.

I have never known myself to hide so much hate inside. But I can't let it out. I don't know how.
Every since I've started watching what I eat, I feel so much better. I feel stronger, I think clearer, I feel more in control.
I know that it isn't good, but I can't help it.

I am just going to keep my head up, and smile like it isn't bothering me. I don't need friends, I can just be by myself. I don't mind at all. I like it. There's a lot more peace and quiet.

I am not going to let this destroy me, or bother me. I am happy for once. I will stay that way. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll make the best of it :D
Now I'm off to go do Chem homework. Woo!