I put this in a separate post - because I'm just going to write about everything. Whether it be healthy, not healthy, horribly negative, doesn't matter.
Just everything.
So that I can feel like I have gotten it off my chest.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT NEGATIVITY. IF YOU ARE IN A GOOD MOOD - YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS POST. Your choice. So here goes.
I went driving today. I was so excited, I wanted to tell someone and be happy together. Who did I automatically go to text? My ex-best friend. I hate those words. They sound so dramatic.
I wanted to tell her. And when I realized that I couldn't tell her, well, I wanted to tell her anyways because I'm so mad at her. I want to hurt her, scream at her, fight with her, anything. Mostly hurt her though. I didn't think I was so affected by this. Why can't 2 years of friendship just disappear.... *Poof!* like that?
I can't worry about that too much though. I guess I just have to move on.
When I got back from driving, I was excited. I wanted to tell my dad. But I know he would have a farm, and a few extra, if he even knew about me driving before I had my permit.
My grandma had a similar reaction. I didn't really tell her as much as I wanted to, but she still freaked out. When I told her how I was going next week to the person's house in which took me driving so that she could help me get my permit, she just looked at me. I can't describe the expression on her face. Like I was a failure because I couldn't learn it on my own. Like I am just too stupid to get it.
My family knows so little about me. They don't know what I want to do, they don't know that I'm crazy and spontaneous, that I like to laugh. They don't know that I like to run, they don't know that I struggle in school. They don't know that I'm not in Orchestra anymore, or what I want to go to college for. They don't know my favorite color, or 3 things I believe in. They don't know what I like/don't like. They don't know me. I always have to hid myself when I'm at home. If I'm at my dad's, I'm always in my room. If I'm at my grandma's, I'm out running/walking/wandering. This is partly my fault. I don't let them know some things about me. But that's because they're so judgmental I tried to tell my dad that I wanted to go to college to play the violin - he basically told me I'm not good enough. I told him that I want to run - he laughed at me. I tell him what I'm doing - he can't remember. I do something nice - he tells me what I did wrong.
That's just my dad. Most of the time I can deal with it. But I can't help wishing I didn't have to hide. I don't want them to know me exactly, I like the unknown. But I wish I didn't have to hide.
Not all of it is their fault - as much as I'd like to blame them for it. If my grandma asks me about a friend - I tell her as little as possible. If she asks me how I am - I say "Fine". I despise that word. Just because it's a cop out. It is what you say when you don't want to talk to anyone. That's exactly why I use it with her. If she asks me about school - I always tell her it's either "Fine" or "Good" even if it isn't. Like right now. I can't tell her anything. I feel like she would make too big a deal out of it. Last time I told her I had a C - IN GEOMETRY (A subject she knows I'm HORRIBLE at) she just told me that I could do better, and that she was disappointed. That she expected me to do better. And of course, her getting on me every day didn't help me. That's just who my grandma is. It's my fault too though. She's right. I CAN do better.
When I got home, I was supposed to cook dinner for my grandparents. So I did. I wasn't going to eat, because I had stayed at 45 all day long, and I was proud. I didn't want to go over the goal of 100 for the day. After that, I washed my hands, to get all of it off my hands. But now, looking back, I see that's where it started.
While making the food I had a piece of ham. Just one. I wanted it. But about 10 minutes after that, it was followed by chips, fudge, more chips, more fudge, and a cookie. I should have expected this. I was so happy about my goal, and now I've probably gained all of it back. I am such a failure. I am so strong, but at my grandparents, where there's food EVERYWHERE.... I always fail. I worked out a lot yesterday, so I'm hoping that would help. I also work out a lot tomorrow too.. I hope I don't gain the weight back. I need this. This is the first thing I've really accomplished in a while. I want to keep it for a bit. I almost weighed myself today, but after eating, I know I'd weigh more, and I'd rather weight till tomorrow morning, when I'm all clean. Ugh.
Ever since then... I have a few dark thoughts on repeat in my head. I keep trying to drown them out, but to no avail. I have tried blasting music, singing, texting, writing posts, nothing helps. All I hear constantly on repeat is "You can't even succeed for one day. You'll never reach your goal" and "Fudge? You ate fudge? You don't deserve it. Look at yourself" or my favorite "Fat. That's what you are. You're too weak to do anything about it. You'll be fat forever. A joke." I hate this.
I want out, but I don't ever want to let go. My eating disorder is the only thing I know how to properly hold on to. Everything else seems to be slipping out of my grasps. Like I can't hold on to anyone. I don't want to. I've stopped seeing the people around me as friends. As people to talk to. They are more the enemy. The pain, the reason I'm the way I am. They are just standing in my way. I can't remember the last time I had a "normal" day. Like spent more than 5 minutes without exercising, thinking about what I eat, or restricting. That makes me so sad... Because reading back over some posts here, I can see when I was so hopeful for recovery. Not anymore. I don't know where it went, but it's gone. Now it's just me and him. That's another thing. Most girls think of their ED's as "her", as in a girl. Mine is a guy. It's a "he" but not like you'd think. I don't know.
I have some theories about that, but i'll not get into those.
I am partly writing this to relieve anxiety and anger, but also to keep my mind off of myself. I
The weight is not going fast enough. I know why. It's a result of all the times I stuff my face. I should have stayed at 45 today. It was soo well. Urgh.
I really really want to talk to Cimiron, as it's been a while. I feel horrible for that. Anytime I go too long without talking to him, I feel like shit. He brightens my mood. Every time he says "I love you" I realize that someone can actually love me, that I'm worth something. Silly, I know. But it's true. I love him so much. He always puts a smile on my face, and I think that is something I need right now. And since this week has been kinda busy, I think I'll call him Friday. Just to talk. I really wish I lived up there. Wish I could give him a hug every time I felt like shit. Have him there just to know that I'm okay, that I am not a complete failure.
But I also know at the same time, that I am kinda glad for the distance. I wouldn't be able to do the things I do, eat how much I eat, exercise this amount, with him here. Or I there. Because I know that would be letting him down, and it kills me to know that he is sad or worried about me. That's the worst. Everyone else's disappointment I can deal with, but his, well, no. I'd do anything I could to make him happy, take away his troubles. I never want him to worry about me.
I'm losing my energy to keep writing... So there will probably be more later... but it felt good to get a lot off my chest here..
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