Everything jumbled coming out

I feel like my week is so full. But yet I don't really have anything to do. I really need to just breathe - I mean, it's only Tuesday, I just need to chill.

I am going for driving lessons tomorrow after school, (even though I don't have my permit yet) and I'm so super excited. The thing is - I can't learnt he rules of the road unless I am in the car, and someone else is telling me about them. i can't read it from a book. Or... I can, it just doesn't stick with me.

I've been eating breakfast these last few days... but not much else. I just don't feel hungry, so therefore I get scared to eat, because that's a bad habit of mine. One in which I'm trying to break. So far, it's going really well. I'm not keeping too much track of my calories, or, I am, but not over obsessing about them. I get to weigh myself here soon... in about a half an hour before I go to Colorguard. (I will post about that later, probably just my thoughts) I am so not looking forward to that. I don't really feel up to it. And being on my period - well the cramps are hell and that just makes it worse. I am hoping I have lost some weight recently, it's the only thing I can do that will help me hold on. I know that this is bad, not healthy, negative, but it's all I've got right now.

On to some positive news. I've read a blog recently, and this girl, well she sets goals for herself every week, and writes about them. Most of my goals I keep in my head, which might be why I have a  hard time keeping them. So I think that starting next week, I am going to make goals for myself, weekly goals, and I'm going to do the best that I can to keep them. Hopefully, next week will be less stressful.

I don't even know what's making today stressful. I don't mind sitting alone at lunch, or doing my own thing. I don't mind that I've lost two friends recently (though I probably should). I don't even have that much to do. I have a History paper that I have to write tonight, and then tomorrow I get to have an extended off hour. Wednesdays are my favorite days. I go driving after school tomorrow, and then Thursday I have the therapist appointment (kinda anxious for that) and guard that night as well. Then Friday, nothing, and Saturday, nothing. So like I said, there's not that much to do, but for some reason, I feel overly stressed?

So tonight, I'm going to be really productive, when I get home and then tomorrow, I'm going to relax. I get out really early tomorrow, because I have an A in Math, so she's making everyone retake a test they failed. I passed, so I get to go to the library. Or somewhere. I will probably go to the library to catch up on blog posts, and comment, since for some reason I can't comment on my computer.

I'm done with the arguments, and the drama. Of pushing people away, telling them that we can't be friends, but not being able to explain why. Because I can't tell them about all of the crap in my head, I can't tell them about my Eating Disorder. I'm afraid to talk to anyone. I feel like if I say anything about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, I'll be letting everyone down. The people around me, my friends, the people who read this blog. For some reason, ever since I posted about the ABC diet, If eel like I have a responsibility to do what's right. I'm failing that miserably, as my ED is taking control, and I'm letting it. That's the bad part. I'm not even fighting it anymore. I've come to feel some sense of pride for the ED. Totally fucked up, I know.

I wish I had blogger on my phone. I need to write a lot more often then I have access to a computer. And that is taking it's toll on me. Here is the only place that I feel safe. That I feel I can say anything and everything. It's the only place that I feel okay. But even now, I am starting to feel like I'm letting people here down. The other day, one of my friends (or used to be friends seeing as I pushed him away before I could hurt him) said he wanted to buy me a present. And another friend of mine, who knows him really well as they are great friends, said that he was asking her if I had an Eating Disorder. She said she denied it, as it isn't her place to say anything, but really?
I didn't think anyone was noticing. And maybe it was all just bullshit. I have no way of knowing. But anyways, that's given me more of a reason to push him away. He can't get in the way of this. I won't let him. I'm better off on my own anyways. So now that's constantly been on my mind, and for some reason, I felt a huge sense of pride, that he had noticed, and suspected that I had Anorexia. I don't know, maybe this is just a sign of how fucked up I am, have become, or maybe have always been.

I feel more at peace now that he's gone, and now that other people are leaving as well. I can't explain it. I know that I shouldn't and that being alone right now is probably not a good thing, but I feel like that.

Today in Math, two of my friends were talking. And one of them (being a he) asked the other (a she) why she had such gigantic boobs. I wasn't really paying attention to them, but as the conversation progressed and I heard some of what was being said, I started laughing. I laughed till I couldn't feel my stomach anymore, and I laughed until I had tears pouring down my face. It felt good. I can't explain what was so funny, but it just was. It felt nice to laugh, to know that I didn't have to push everyone away.

That's basically my day. I know this probably doesn't make sense, but I had to get all of my thoughts out. And here they are. Today has been interesting.
I still intend to write a story, I need the release. I just need the time. I will probably do it Wednesday night or Friday. So if anyone is interested, they can look forward to that. Hope some of that made sense. And I hope whoever is reading this has a good day.