I'm so indecisive.

If you had asked me what path I was on a year and a half ago, I would have told you that I was working to do everything I could to get good grades for college. I would have told you that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I have plans for my future, with a clear plan to get there. I would have told you that those girls who focus on appearance only are shallow, that there are better things to life. I would have told you that my favorite thing to do is play my violin, to write poetry, to sing at the top of my lungs and dance in public, even if I embarass myself.

If you had asked me 6th months ago, I would have said that I wouldn't be so stressed out, but that I would still be working to get good grades for college. I would have told you that friends were nice to have around, that they are my rocks. I would have told you that I hated to run. I would have told you that my favorite food was ribs, or chicken, and that I loved music. I would tell you about all the crazy things that I do with my friends, and how much I love them. I would have told you that even though I don't play my violin anymore, I want to pick it back up, to get better, allow that to become a source of beauty and relief for me.

Now here I am.... 2 years later... And if you ask me what I am like..
I can't really tell you.
I no longer place the same importance on school. I still think it's important, but I know that if I get a bad grade, it's not the end of the world. I don't study as much as I used to. I don't stress about everything as much as I used to.
I don't keep my friends around anymore. I have stopped talking to most of them, for one reason or another. I have pushed a lot of them away, because they can't understand what i'm going through, they no longer wish to talk to me. And I have also pushed them away because I don't want to depend on them. I can't depend on them. That means i'll get hurt.
EVERYONE is the same.
Every time someone says "I'm different, I won't hurt you, you can trust me" or some variation thereof, I do. And then I always get hurt. I get left, or pushed away, or stabbed in the back. I've yet to meet one friend who is different. I know that's bad to say that everyone is like that, but i've yet to meet someone who proves that wrong.
I love to run now. If I didn't have running, i'm pretty sure that i'd go insane, just because running is numbing. I can relax, not think, breathe, when i'm running. The incessant worries in my head aren't beating me down, I don't have a low self esteem. Running is for me. And me only. it's the only numbing mechanism that I have right now.
I no longer have a favorite food. If I like something, I give it up. I release it, push it away, learn to hate it. Because I don't deserve to be happy. No, that's not right. I don't have the energy to be happy. Like... I feel bad for being happy when I can't accomplish my goal. Or even come close. Like it's a reward for failing - so I can't have it.
I don't do anything crazy with my friends anymore. I don't even have any friends anymore. Let's see. I had about 3. My "best friend" told me that if I wanted to get over my ED, then I just had to eat. She told me that I was stuck in this because I wanted to be. She said that there wasn't really anything wrong with me. And when I tried to talk to her, when I needed her, she just ignored me. Some friend.
The other ones just turned their heads, wouldn't listen to me when I tried to reach out to them. One lied to me and told me that she'd had an Eating Disorder. She didn't. I heard her talking about how she was lying and how I believed her. Whatever. I don't know how I can keep letting people in, how many times I can be walked all over, and shoved around, before I just say that enough is enough.

It still shocks me, how much I have changed in 6 months. I am now one of those girls who I used to think was shallow. I am the very person I swore never to become. I am it.

I tried getting better. I tried letting go of my ED, being healthy, all of it. I tried being okay. But I guess in my heart, I really didn't want to be, because I failed. And now that i've failed, i'm finding myself hesitant to accept the outcome, the pact that I had made to just throw my hands up. I am finding that I don't want to, but at the same time, I do. I don't know how to discern what I want. I feel like every emotion is just raging around inside of me, but at the same time, i'm numb. Empty. Purposeless. I don't know.

I am so indecisive. I wish I could cry. I am so accustomed to holding my tears in, because they make me weak, that I have forgotten how to cry. My throat is burning as I write this, I feel the prick behind my eyes of unshed tears, but yet no tears can fall. I don't even know anymore. I am so tired of thinking, of plotting, of lying, of talking, of telling the truth, or trying to explain, of being myself. I just want out.
**Don't worry. I don't mean suicide.

I just want to be outside myself. I want to not have to think about this. Or maybe I don't. I don't know anymore.