So scared....

I ate so much food today, and I felt horrible doing it! It was all such in a short period of time I don't even want to get into it!!! But I wanted to throw up the entire rest of the day, and I would have, if people weren't for them being here. That's what scares me... And then I felt really bad about it and my brother came in and asked if I wanted to smoke weed with him... and so I agreed because for me, when i'm high, I don't feel insecure, and I don't feel bad about myself... That's all I wanted to do... I just wanted og feel beter and since people all have their own problems, I didn't want to make them deal with my own.
And really, I didn't want to talk to anybody, because i'm tired of having people there and  have them be nice to me. Does that amke any sense?
Anyways, I got high, and it was supposed to help suppress my appetite, but then something happened and all I can remember is somewhat putting a piece of meat on bread with mayonnaise and then me purging it... I can't believe this and now I can't stop crying and there's nobody to talk to and I hate myself.
That's the biggest thing.... Ic an't believe I purged... I can't believe it... I hate myself for this... How could I .. I was supposed to be stronger than this!!! I don't want to be Bulimic! And now my throat burns.... and I can't  breathe because i'm crying so much and I wish I could get help... I thought that I was doing so well.... what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!? I don't even deserve to be here... i'm a waste of space and I hate myself..... I'm so fat.... I hate that I got high, I hate that I lost control, and I hate that I lost control again!!! D: I hate this.... Goodnight everyone.... Fuck this... I'm so tired of this... I can't stop crying,...

Anticipating!

I know this is probably not going to make any sense, but I can't wait for September 1st. Why? Because that's when I officially start my 30 Day Fitness Challenge. I am actually really too lazy to exercise now, and I guess that's reflecting on my eating habits because I ate a shit ton today. I mean that's pretty much all I did, and that's not allowed..... I mean nobody should eat that much. I don't even want to think about what I ate, because it's horrible. I was not hungry at all today, but I still ate loads. Why? Because I was bored, and I have no willpower.
And now, my brain wont shut up and I keep hearing a constant stream of "How could you eat that, you're going to gain a lot of weight! You worthless piece of shit, you don't deserve to be here. Nobody wants you here, they all feel ashamed to see you because you're so fat! I mean what do people think of them when they walk around in public with you?! You're pathetic!" and other things. It's great, so naturally, I want to throw up. I almost did earlier, and I've had to keep myself busy and doing things in order not to. That coupled with the fact that someone would hear me if I did, since they are near, kept me okay. But I hated it. Every minute of it. And still I ate.
I couldn't see any way to get out of it, and I'm quite ashamed to admit.... I eat when I get bored. That's just what I do. Or maybe it's a Bulimic thing? I need to change that if I ever hope to lose weight and reach my goal. Plus, my grandma gets mad at me for being on the computer so much, because she thinks I spend too much time here. But what am I supposed to tell her? That writing keeps me sane? That it's my coping mechanism? That I love to read the blogs that I follow? I can't.
If I ever told her any of that, she'd want to know what I'm writing about, or what I write on. And she doesn't know anything. Nothing, and I'd like to keep it that way. I mean, even now, when I'm "Good" they get upset over the smallest things, or they tell me that I should do this or that, because they don't have the money, and then I just want to disappear. To shrink smaller and smaller until I can slip through the cracks in the floor. To just be invisible. Because I hate stressing them out. So they can't know about any of this.
I kinda think I need a therapist though. Like a real psychotherapist, because I know people say they don't do much, or that they only repeat back to you what you put out, but somehow they always end up helping you. They end up making you realize things about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise, or that would take you much longer to figure out. At the same time, however, I don't want one, because to me that means dependence, and letting someone in, and to be honest, I'm so tired of hearing my story told over and over and over again. I'm nothing special. The only thing that I could ever see good about getting a therapist, is that maybe then they could help me figure out my own head, but really, that doesn't even seem legit.
I'm setting a goal, or rather multiple goals. This might bother some of the people that read this post, and if it does, I'm really sorry. But by October 1st, 2012, my goal is to weigh 170 lbs. By December 1st 2012, my goal is to weigh 150. Then by my birthday, February 13th, 2013, my goal is to weigh 130, and then to maintain that weight. If I go a little lower, as in 120, then that's all the better. But my ultimate goal weight is 130, for now. And this time I am going to do my best to do it the healthy way, through exercise and healthy diet. Not by binging, purging, restricting, and self harm. That way doesn't work, it will never work, and I don't want to ever go back.
Besides, I really want to get into the habit of loving running again, though I don't know if I can. I mean, I do have asthma, so that would impact it a little bit, but I still want to be able to. And if I can get to my goal weight, then I intend on getting a gym membership, but only as I will be sure to use it. I know that everyone says weighing less isn't the key to being okay with myself, or loving myself but here's the fact of the matter. Everything I can see myself doing, loving, etc, it all starts with my weight. I refuse to run unless I lose weight, I refuse to eat 3 times a day, unless I lose more weight, and I refuse to give up this fight, until I get to my goal weight. I am stubborn about everything, except this. I can't stick to it like I wish I could, and there's really nobody to support me through this. Any of my family members can't, because they make me nervous, and uncomfortable, and none of my friends think Bulimia is legit.
I mean I told about two of them, but they never took it seriously. Or I don't feel like they did. I lied to them once, said that I was doing better, just to see, and they both believed me. They didn't ask anything else, and they dropped the subject. I mean, Bulimia may not show major signs, like severe weight loss, or anything like that, but that doesn't mean that it can't be real. But I feel like it would be a little better, because then I'd actually have someone to talk to about this stuff, someone who actually cares. But what's done is done, I guess. I can't change it, and really, neither of them care. I don't really care. But I can't wait until I start getting healthier!!! :D
Well this is pretty much all I have to say, I'm really quite tired, as I have school tomorrow. So I think that I am going to go to bed, or maybe. I actually have some stuff to do first, but goodnight on here. (:

Day 27: My favorite musician and why?

I have a lot of favorite musicians.... But here's the top two! (:

1. Demi Lovato. I know that a lot of people don't like her, that they think she has a cookie cutter image, or that she just doesn't act real. But I love her and her music because it's not lyrics about falling in love, or getting heartbroken. Everyone can sing about that. But Demi has a lot of emotion in her music, and it's real to the point that you can see it. I don't know how to explain it, but I just love her!

2. Ozzy Osborne. He is amazing, I love his music. I grew up with his music, and his rock. I am not entirely sure what it is that I love about him, but I can remember back when I was really little, the first song I ever loved by him was "Dreamer". I memorized the lyrics to that song, and I sung it everywhere I went. It was my favorite song because it described exactly where I wanted to be, what I thought of the world in a way that even I couldn't think of at the time. This is gonna sound really cliche, but it spoke to me. It meant something to me, and to this day, I listen to and love that song.

Ranting

So i'm  kinda irritated and I don't know why. Like I asked my grandma if I handed her a piece of paper on Friday that I needed, and she wanted to know what it was for. She didn't want to answer my question, and then I got irritated and we started yelling at each other. It's great. Not.
I have a really stupid reason for writing this post. It's because I ate a hamburger and some baked beans about 2 hours ago, but i'm hungry again. I don't understand it. And also, I eat when I get bored, and i'm bored since I ran out of things to clean. Weird, huh? I clean when I get really happy, at least I think that's why I want to clean sometimes. But anyways, I know that I will go out into the kitchen and get something to eat, and I don't want that, because logically, I am not hungry. I ate today, somewhat. I had pancakes for breakfast, and then a extra small oreo blizzard for brunch. But when I went to the wedding, I ate some chips and salsa, a ham sandwich, and like 2 bites of potato salad. Then for dessert, I ate 2 cupcakes. Then for dinner I had a hamburger and some baked beans. Now, this is not to say that I am anxious about eating all of that, or that I shouldn't have eaten it. I wanted to and I was hungry at the times of eating. It's just that now i'm hungry again, and I have no right to be. I ate all my meals, I gave my body what it needed. So I shouldn't be hungry.
I also went to a wedding today, for an old friend of mine. She looked so beautiful in her dress, and seeing how happy she was with her, well that almost made me cry. It was so amazing, she had truly found someone she loved, and it was beautiful. They've been together since high school, so a total of five years. They are proof that not everything changes after high school. And her dance with him, it was so sweet. They had these little bells, where every time you rung one, they had to kiss, so it was kinda funny because little kids would get ahold of the bells and they would ring it and ring it, which meant that she and her husband had to kiss. (: I could keep on going, but that's all for now. I'm really tired, but I had to write it down, because it was one the best days ever, though I can't explain why. Sorry for the rant. =P

Day 26: If you had $1,000,000 to spend, how would you spend it?

Hmm, first i'd buy me some music off of Itunes (:
Then i'd probably put about $300,000 aside for college, a car, a place to live.
Then i'd give some to my grandma, to pay her back for taking care of me, and the rest would go to charity.

Sorry there's not much detail, i'm tired as crap. Good night.

Fitness Plan! (:

So I know that I've wanted to get into shape and lose weight the healthy way for a while now. and I've got a goal for it. But the other day, I found this blog with a "30 Day Fitness Challenge" and thought I should give it a shot. It might help me kick start my exercise, and hey, maybe even give me some ideas. This way, it's kinda like a warm up before I actually start working out, but not at the same time, y'know?
I thought about posting it here, but I don't know if that would bother anyone, and that's something I don't want to do. So I think I'm going to start this 30 Day Fitness Challenge and either keep it in a journal for my eyes only, or keep it on here as a draft, so that it's still private, and it can't hurt anyone. At the end, I may think about posting my results, and my comments day by day. That would include weight loss.... Comment, please, if it would bother you.

Not feeling good.. :/

I know that i've been kinda stressed out in school, so I haven't really been eating breakfast or lunch... I usually eat a snack after school at like 4, then have lunch at like 7. But today, I can't seem to get full. Or at least to the point where I don't feel really hungry. It's kinda shitty, because thanks to that, i've eaten a lot today. I got home at about 5, and I had some turkey with gravy. Then I waited a half an hour, and ate another serving, since I felt like I was gonna puke. That didn't help. And so now i'm eating a ham sandwich, hopefully then I won't be hungry.
I understand that skipping breakfast and lunch is really bad, and I don't mean to do it, sometimes. So maybe this reaction today is just my bodies way of telling me that it needs more food? I don't know, but I don't particularly like it.
The only things i've eaten today besides that is coffee this morning, and then I had some laffy taffy for "Lunch". And then I was hungry and shaky the rest of the day. It was like a sugar rush, but I don't get those. So i'm trying to feed my body, give it the energy it lost. And I know that all this food sabotaged my diet, and I hate it, because now we're back to being anxious again. What is wrong with this? I didn't eat a whole lot more than I normally do, and besides, my body needed the energy.
Not sure what's going on here.... I wish that I did though. I'm not anxious because of the food, but I still feel kinda nautious..... like I do when I don't eat... Hm.

Day 25: Something that you miss

Hmm... Something I miss..... Does Cimiron count?
If he does, then he's the one person I miss right now.

If he doesn't then uhh..... I miss summer. I miss being able to sleep in, I miss being able to go to bed late, hanging out with friends, going to Denver, not worrying about anything. I miss being so free, and with the start of school, it also means that Winter will be around soon, and that means cold.
I like cooler weather, but not cold weather. I don't know why.

Day 24: Your favorite movie, and what's it about?

My favorite movie hands down is V for Vendetta. If you've never seen it, here's a short summary.
A shadowy freedom fighter known only as "V" uses terrorist tactics to fight against his totalitarian society. Upon rescuing a girl from the secret police, he also find his best chance at having an ally.

Everything (^-^)

I haven't posted in a while, other than the 30 Day challenge thing.

So I thought I'd just spill everything, so that I can share with the world my amazing-ness. Just kidding, I'm not that conceded... but here's everything!
So school has started, and I love Psychology. My teacher makes everything so much fun, and he's teaching me things about myself that I never would have thought would be true. But after thinking about it actually, I found that there is a lot of truth to it. It's interesting.
Other than that, I'm not too excited with my classes. They're all normal Junior classes, and though Chemistry is kinda cool, I don't really like the teachers. And liking the teachers = liking the class. So that's not going to happen. I can tolerate it for a year though. I have to. Senior year will be different.
I slept in this morning, because I didn't have to be at school until about 8, and I've found out that sleeping in is a really bad idea, because then when I get up, I'm so disoriented that I can't think straight, and I often forget things. Today wasn't a bad day at all, and neither was yesterday.
Both days I haven't really thought about my weight. Though I'm kinda playing a game. I'll let you in on what it is, so long as you don't judge me for it, or make me stop.
Here's the game. In the morning, I usually put a snack in a baggie, today it was some Cheetos and some crackers. And since I hate eating lunch at school, thanks to the fact that the cafeteria is busy as hell, and that I hate social situations. So I've been eating breakfast, usually because I'm forced to by my grandparents, and then I skip lunch. Now, lunch is usually at like 10:45 in the morning for me, so that's a bit early to eat lunch. And I knew that I couldn't eat during any of my classes, so then after school, only then was I able to eat it. But the feeling of being hungry between then, well I can't say I didn't like it. I felt really light, like I could do anything. And now I'm about to head off to eat dinner, because while I may have skipped breakfast and lunch, I know that I need to eat, so I shall.
I found this blog, written by a girl my age, who has been struggling with Bulimia as well. She isn't sure if she wants to recover, and she is having a really hard time breaking the cycle of Binging and Purging. I know exactly how that is, as I was there not too long ago. It's kinda nice to find someone my age, who's in the same stuck place as me, and who gets it. I mean, I'm on my way to recovery, and finally being healthy.
I've decided to try a diet, to try to get to the weight that I want to be at, without doing it the unhealthy way. This is going to be difficult, but I can do it. And then once I set something up, I will be in the perfect place to start running, and doing cardio as well as other working out stuff. I shall get in shape! And now, I have a larger motivation! I can do it!
I don't exactly know what is different about this year, but I find it easier to be open, more friendly. I am helping strangers, I feel more giving, less like I have to be alone. Maybe it's because I don't have to hide anymore, but I also think that it is because I'm finally beginning to set some goals for myself. I am getting somewhere, and that is amazing. I am excited for school, and I hope that it goes well, as colleges are going to be looking at me soon. I am very bad at taking tests, but maybe when I get to the ACT/SAT point, I'll be better. I sure do hope so.
That's what I've been up to recently, and I hope this good mood can continue. Other than my game at school, and in the mornings, I haven't thought about weight, but when I have, it's been positive, as I am excited to start my exercise. That's a nice change, and I hope it sticks!
How is everyone else's day? If you read my blog and want to comment. Nobody has, and I feel a little weird asking it. But oh well, it's said and done! I'd love to hear about what other people are up to xD

Day 23: 20 Random Facts About You

1. I love cheesecake, even though it's bad for you :D
2. My favorite color is yellow.
3. My middle name is Jazzman.
4. I open up to people pretty easily, and I hate it!
5. I cannot hold a grudge to save my life.
6. I'm 5'8" tall, I think.
7. I've never tried Frozen Yogurt.
8. I love to say Yogurt in a British accent. :D
9. I technically died when I was five, while at the Dentist.
10. Due to fact number 9, I am inadvertently TERRIFIED of going to the dentist, to this day.
11. I love to read.
12. I have horrible balance, and therefore trip over my feet about 20 times a day.
13. You wouldn't believe it from looking at me when i'm with my friends, but i'm horribly shy, and I hate social situations unless I have a friend there.
14. I often get irritated with people who can't have an actual conversation with me.
15. I wish I owned a Puffer fish. Better known as a blowfish.
16. I am an amazing liar, but I never lie to people that really matter to me. Which is like 2 people. If you lie to me though, I may just give up on not lying to you.
17. My favorite letter of the alphabet is E.
18. I don't really have a religion, but if I had to have one, then i'd say that i'm Wiccan. I do practice occasionally, but not every day.
19. I love to dance in public, even though I can't dance to save my life!
20. I never cry when i'm upset or sad. I only cry if i'm pissed off. And rarely am I ever mad enough to cry.

Day 22: Bullet your whole day!

My day wasn't too interesting, seeing as I had school, but here it goes.

• Woke up at 6 am. Got dressed.
• Ate some cheerio's for breakfast.
• Packed all my stuff for school.
• Went in and said hi to my puppy.
• Grabbed my Ipod and left for school.
• Got to school and walked inside to the Counseling Office to change my Schedule.
• Then realized I couldn't change anything, so I went to the rest of my classes.
• Left school and went to the store to get some sandals to wear to a friends wedding this weekend. (:
• Got home, was hungry so I ate some grapes, and some cheese and crackers.
• Got on the computer, and started writing my story, writing a blog post, and talking to Cimiron.
• Ate Dinner. I had noodles, with Garlic Bread.
• Read a book called Stick Figure: A Diary Of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb.
• Took a shower.
• Heading off to bed to get up early in the morning for school! Yay! (:

Amazingness!

Today was an amazing day!!! My psychology teacher gave us a test in which we had to answer a bunch of questions, and it was so easy to over think them, so I only got 3/20. But it was so much fun, and since it didn't actually count as a grade, I had a lot of fun! I can't wait to take his class! And chemistry was amazing too, we got to play with chemicals, so that was kinda nice!
I'm doing my best to not be so anti-social, which is working out pretty well! Haha people keep looking at me weird, because I say the weirdest things, but hey, it's good to stand out! I also wore bright red pants today, and a Bob Marley shirt, and people kept asking me if they could buy it... It was weird, but I loved it! I love this school year!! And it's only the second day!! Well that's really all I have to say for today, maybe i'll write more tomorrow! (:

Day 21: A photo of something that makes you happy!

Hmm...... What makes me happy?

A LOT OF THINGS!!!! Here's a few!

MY VIOLIN!!!!! I love my violin so much!

Music ALWAYS makes me happy!!!

Beaches are very nice, you can't not smile at the view! (:

Chocolate covered peanuts.... :D

I've never been a huge chocolate fan, I mean I love love love Reese's!!! But otherwise, I don't eat too much chocolate.
But today, I got some Chocolate Covered Peanuts, and I couldn't stop eating them! They are SO good, and they made me smile!!!! I ate them so quickly, I didn't even realize! Then I proceeded to steal some of my grandpa's since I wanted more! Right before dinner time too!
Haha they are my new weakness, and they are also my new favorite candy/snack!!!! They aren't the best for me, but I don't care!!!! They are so yummy, and they make me happy because I just want to smile when I'm eating them. The best part?!?!? THEY'RE ONLY A DOLLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I cannot tell you how happy that makes me, and though it probably doesn't matter to the world, I just wanted to share that. (:

First day of the best year of my life!

I am so excited for this school year! It's gonna be amazing, I'm gonna be a new person, I've got things to look forward to, and it's gonna be great! I no longer have to worry about my ED, well mostly, I can be myself, and not the antisocial person I was before!

I have Colorguard, which is going to be amazing, because this season we've got a bunch of new people! Though that doesn't start till December.

I have my friends, who I can have a great time with, even the ones that are far away! 

And I have myself, my music, and I'm determined to be happy!

I am going to live this year for myself, so that I don't have to regret my High School Years! I am making this my time, and I'm gonna love it! :D

I'm even making myself some french toast, since it sounded yummy!!!! It's got Cinnamon in it!!!! Today is going to be great! :D I can already tell!

So excited to be a JUNIOR!!! I'm finally an upperclassman, but I'm not gonna be a bully about it. I'm just gonna enjoy it! I've even got Sociology and Psychology, as well as Forensic Science to look forward too!

Day 20: The reason behind your blog name!

There wasn't really ever any reason behind my blog name, actually, other than just wanting to make it as much me as possible. My blog was created as a space to vent, to put it all out there, so that when I look back over it, I can see where I've been, how I've changed, how I handled certain situations. I guess that was just my way to creatively name my blog, and now it is where it is. (:

What is recovery??

I can't remember a time when I was ever "Happy" about food, or when I didn't skip meals. I can't remember a time when I didn't wish I looked different, or was happy and okay with my body. I have never truly seen someone who's been in my place recovered so that they are okay with who they are. The people in my life  who weigh a normal weight, and who don't hate themselves day in and day out, still say that they need to lose weight, that they don't like the way they look, that they're ugly. Well I think, if they're ugly, what am I?

I used to eat food like any normal person, and I can't really ever remember when it stopped. I can't remember ever not hearing "You could lose a few pounds" or "That doesn't look good on you." or even "You need to watch your weight; we should go on a diet". I can't remember ever being okay with my body, accepting who I was. I had my good days, yes, but I always thought about what I ate, how to exercise more, and I always hated my body.

My dad used to say when I was growing up, "If you don't like what's being served, then don't eat it." and I knew that if I didn't eat what was served, then I wasn't going to eat that meal. So I skipped meals all growing up. And I skipped meals because I was tired of eating the same food over and over and over. That was also the example I got from my dad. He would say that he was tired of eating the same food over and over, or that he was tired of eating in general. And he would skip meals. But that didn't mean he had an Eating Disorder, no. So it seemed okay for me to do it.

It seems easier for people who have been okay with their body and then developed an Eating Disorder to recover, because they have a right example. They know what it is they are trying to get back to. I've never had that, not since I was 10, and to be honest, I don't really remember much before that age. I remember where I must have been, but nothing specific to that place. And therefore, to me, it's always going to be that I have to think about what I eat, that I can never be okay with my body, with my weight, unless I'm weighing a healthy weight... I mean I know that I'm overweight, so that's okay for me to want to weigh less, but why can't I be okay with my weight?

I've never officially been diagnosed with Anorexia or Bulimia. I diagnosed myself when I broke down and told a close friend what I was doing, and she in turn told her grandma. Her grandma and her both said that I had Bulimia, and that it needed to stop. They tried to help me get better, stop feeling so bad. But it was mostly on my own, since I couldn't tell my dad why I needed to walk with them 3 times a week after dinner. Or why I wanted to eat dinner at their house. So that kinda fell apart. And when I moved to my grandma's, well then it got really hard. I can exercise anytime I want, or not eat whenever I want.

I have my brother now to tell me that it's okay, and to talk to when I need someone and don't want to reach out to a friend. But though I no longer binge, and I try not to purge (Which I've been successful with 98% of the time) does that mean I'm recovered? Because I still get depressed, I still skip meals when I don't feel good about myself, I still cry about my weight, I still weigh myself every day, and the amount of food I eat still depends on my weight. I still want to lose weight, I'm still not good enough, and I still have anxiety after eating, so does that mean that I'm not recovered?

I wish many times that I had a therapist, or that someone could just tell me what the next step is, but the fact is, that requires people knowing about my Bulimia, my self harm, my depression. And I don't want them to. That would take away my independence, my strength. That would cause unneeded anxiety for my family, and besides, I really think I can do this on my own, but only if I know where to go.

I also have resorted to self harm only twice since I stopped over a year and a half ago. Both were resulting of fights with my dad, and the fact that I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone. Both times afterward, I hated myself, refused to talk to anyone about it, lied when I got asked about it. And though there was one person each time that knew the truth no matter what I said, they never did anything. I don't expect them to, that's not their job, but I can't help wishing someone would have looked me in the eyes, and made me tell them about it, and then offered me help. Or even given me an alternative.

As I have said before in this blog, nobody in my life has ever really acknowledged that I was depressed, that I may have needed help. Nobody has ever told me that it's okay to not be okay. Nobody in my life has been where I'm at in any way at all. And in a way, I like that. I don't want someone to always say that, or even to have said it at all. I can see both sides of the spectrum, and therefore they shouldn't need to say it, but I've grown comfortable with having people not caring, or not looking too closely, and I don't want that to change.. I guess the point of mentioning that here, was just that it doesn't seem like anyone ever cared enough to look. I know that I have the ability to lie about things and get people to believe me, but I don't believe that I was that good of a liar. I don't think I want someone to say this, or do this now, because it doesn't really matter, but if it didn't, would I still be thinking about it now? So then I guess it does matter.

Every time someone even brings up the topic of weight, diet, food, or anything similar to it, all I can think about is how fast I can get away, how I don't want to discuss it. But that is supposed to be a "Safe" topic, or so I've read about recovered Bulimics. So again, does that mean I'm not recovered?

I don't even know where I'm going, what to do next, how to be healthy, what to do. I'm just stuck. I don't even know what being "Recovered" means. I mean I know it's different for everyone, but there's gotta be some similarities between each and every one, right? And I will admit, there is a part of me that doesn't want to get better, because I still weigh more than I should, or more than I want to. For me, I've always had the thought that if I weigh what is considered "Healthy" for a 5'8" teenager, then I'd be okay, I'd be happy. But I don't know how to get there, seeing as regular dieting isn't helping. I don't know, some days I can be happy about my weight and how I look, and others, I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror.

I still get really upset over little things people say that they "don't mean", but to me, that's justified. Maybe what I'm wishing for here isn't real. Maybe it isn't something that can be fixed, or achieved, however you look at it. Maybe I'm doomed to this life, feeling this way. But I don't want to be. Some days, I feel like I'm recovered, like I can do it. Like I'm okay. Then other days, I feel like I'm back in square one, and like I might as well just give up the fight.

I keep fighting for "Recovery", and hoping to get there, but I don't know what that is, what my next step is, what I can do, where to go, how to do it. Every day I wonder the same question....

WHAT IS RECOVERY???

Summer!!

Summer has gone by too fast. And though I enjoyed going to Elitches, riding roller coasters, watching movies, hanging out with Cimiron, I wish that it wouldn't end.
This summer has been the best summer I've ever had, and I never want it to end!!!!! I've become carefree over the summer, realized I wanted to be spontaneous, gone to Denver and had a hell of a time, gotten closer to people I almost pushed away, and all in all, made this summer something I will never forget! (: It's great, and I hope this greatness will continue when I start school on Monday. I don't really want to go, but at the same time, it's the most important year of my High School, and the most important step for getting into college!!!!

It's just been a bunch of fun, and I've done a bunch of things I never would have thought I would do. I've become a stronger person, for everything I've done, everything I've lost, and everything I've won. (That rhymed.... whoa.) I loved this summer, have done the best that I can, and I hope that I can continue on that road!

Day 18: A book you could read over and over again and never get tired of

That's easy! I could easily read Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon over an over and over again, without ever getting tired of it!

Day 17: A picture of your celebrity crush and why you like them

I guess if I had to pick one, it would have to be Adam Lambert. I love his music, who he is, just him in general. :D

Day 16: Your highs and lows of this past year

Hmm... that's hard. I guess you could say that there is so many, that it's hard to choose which to put down. Or the most important I guess.

Highs:
1. Starting recovery from Bulimia
2. Getting to spend a summer with Cimiron
3. Not getting a job!
4. Getting to hang with my friends.
5. Dying my hair purple and Blue :D :D :D
6. Getting to be my wild, crazy, immature, spontaneous self!!! (:
7. Getting over my fear of rollercoasters :D

Lows:
1. Still struggling with Bulimia.
2. Cimiron leaving.
3. Not getting a job.
4. School starting again.
5. Getting kicked out of my house.


That's just a few, there's more, but I guess those are the most important ones.

Mistakes or wishes?

Sometimes there's things we want, and we do almost anything to get them. Sometimes they seem as if they're a trick, or an escape from reality? But is that true? And when you finally fulfill it, does it become a mistake or are you still wishing for the next time?

That's hard to determine in the difference. When you do it once, and then you consider it a mistake, but you wish for it to happen at the same time, is it ever really a mistake anymore? Do you really wish for it? Because it can't be both, it's gotta be one way or the other. Its' confusing to try to determine that.

I don't know where I'm going with this... but can something be a wish and a mistake at the same time? How do you determine and handle that?

Guess we can't be doing that anymore, because I'm afraid of messing up some more. It might ruin everything, but at the same time, I'm wishing for it all the same. It's weird.... And I don't think it's possible to have both at the same time...

Day 15: Something you don't leave your house without

I never leave my house without a few things.

• My phone. (In case my ipod dies)
• My ipod.
• Pants.
• A shirt.
• A smile.

These are the things I cannot leave my house without. I have to have my music, because that is what I do. I always have a song for everything in my life, and music is my life. (:

No idea what to say

So far today, I've not had one bad thought about myself, or what I've eaten. I haven't been anxious, or upset. I'm just kind of relaxed. I want to plug in my headphones, sing at the top of my lungs, be happy. I don't care about exercising, how much I weigh, how big I am.

I JUST DON"T CARE!! :D

Today is going to be a good day, and I'm gonna enjoy it. It's pretty nice outside, I might go read, or write a letter to my brother. It is getting easier, to have these moments, and I enjoy every one of them. I think life is better for a recovered anorexic than it is for anyone else... Because they have come out of the darkest place you can be, and they have to learn to be okay with themselves. They accept who they are, where as most normal people still can't. Not saying they're better because they were anorexic, just that they have a different point of view.... One I admire so much. I hope that one day I can beat my Bulimia, and be okay with myself.

And today is the first day of my new life. (:

You and me

"If I was a flower growing wild and free, all i'd want is you to be my sweet honeybee. And if I was a tree growing tall and green, all i'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves."
"If you were a wink, then i'd be a nod, if you were a seed, well i'd be a pod. If you were the floor then i'd wanna be the rug, and if you were a kiss then I know i'd be a rug."

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, still looking up. And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, i'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find. Cuz even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth, we've got a lot to learn, god knows we're worth it."
"I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily, I wanna stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot, to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, Yeah, we got a lot at stake, and in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intend, for us to work! We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn, how to bend, without the world caving in, and I won't give up!"

These songs fit my mood so much :D

Beautifully defeated

Today is not hot, it's around 73 degrees. It rained a little earlier, but now it's just overcast, yet not hot nor cold. It's perfect. It's beautiful.
I was out enjoying the day, I'm thinking about going for a run to just unwind... I just got back from my dad's and I'm so incredibly upset by seeing my room again, I'm practically shaking with rage and defeat. It feels like I lost, that he has everything. And I hate that. I don't exactly want to win, but I don't want to lose. I hate it!!!!! I want my life back, my freedom. I want my room, my stuff, and to not be so angry. But at the same time I want to be here because I want to be relaxed, not upset, to exercise, it's closer to school, etc. How do I win?

I don't know. I wish I did. Or that there could be someone who could point out the next step. Give me a hint. I don't know. I'm defeated right now, or stuck in this limbo. I hate it.

Well I'm gonna take a deep breath, go outside, maybe go for a run before I eat lunch, if I eat lunch. There's not a lot of healthy food around here at the moment, and that's kinda irritating. I just want to chill out, relax. Maybe it'll get better later. I don't really know.

Day 14: Your earliest memory..

Hmm.... That would be hard.....

I guess my earliest memory would be when I was about 5, and we were at my house. I was laying in the living room near a heater, because it was cold. I was building this castle type thing, and I was so proud. I went to put the last block on the top, and it fell over! D:
Hahah now I just laugh about it, but back then, it was the end of the world. I jumped to the floor, and started having the biggest temper tantrum I'd ever had. I was beating on the heater with my fists, throwing blocks across the room, crying, screaming, the whole ordeal. It was horrible, then at least. Now I just kinda laugh about it. (:

That's my earliest memory!

Day 13: A photo of somewhere you'd like to move or visit

I'd love to go to Hawaii.... Or even to New York... Here's some pictures! :D
I've actually visited Hawaii, that's where I got the photos, but i've never actually been to New York. (:

New York!!!

New York at Night!!

Beautiful Beach on Maui :D

Waterfall!! ^ ^

From the side of Mount Haleakala

Crater of a volcano!

MY BEAUTIFUL BEACH!!!!! I will see you again... soon...

No clue what to name this post..

Recently, I've been trying to not focus on the negative thoughts, and i'm mostly succeeding in that. But when I eat, I notice that I get full really fast, and then that's all I can focus on. How i'm full, and how I don't like it. I mean I don't want to be hungry, but just not full. Make any sense? Probably not. And then people look at me weird and wonder if there's a problem when I want to exercise right after that.

Thanks to my full feeling and the fact that I hate it, It's hard to tell if i'm eating enough. Because then I don't want to eat certain things, or they make me nervous. I know i'm not healthy, I've got some weight to lose in order to get there, but i'm trying to do it the healthy way. Any advice? I don't know what I should do. It's weird. And this is totally random.

The other day, I went to Denver with my best friend. It was partly to distract myself from how much I miss Cimiron already, but also because I just wanted to have fun. I didn't think about what I ate, but I wasn't hungry either. I didn't eat breakfast that morning, I woke up too late, but then I didn't eat lunch either. I just wasn't hungry. But I felt amazing yesterday. It was the best feeling in the world to walk around, to be a part of a busy city. And, I will admit. I felt a little reckless. I want to be stupid, but not too stupid. Y'know?

I mean this in the way of trying alcohol, trying pot (which I already did), though nothing heavier, getting lost somewhere, taking a spontaneous road trip, or doing something else that is spontaneous. I don't want to plan, but I don't know where i'm going either.

That's probably really stupid, seeing as i'm only a Junior in high school, but, hey, I've only got a short time before I have to grow up, and I want to take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything that will effect me negatively later, but I want to have fun. So that's what i'm gonna try to do. I just want to be random, and the best way to start that is.... Well there isn't one. Now i'm off to have some fun, and also gotta get up early to take a run. There's a meeting here tomorrow, and I want to be gone before it takes place. And since I got up at 5, after only sleeping for 3 hours, i'm a wee bit tired.

So goodnight!!! Have a wonderful night/day, and don't die!!! xD

Day 12: A photo of the town you live in

I went to Denver today, which is basically where I live, and took a ton of photos. I'll just post a few here for this!! It was a great day with my best friend!!

Robo Man!!!

Free Piano to play!!! :D

This is finally my town! Pretty Clock Tower!!

My best friend riding a buffalo!!

Another year...

Well tonight was my last night with Cimiron.... and now that he's leaving to go back to NY, it hurts worse than I thought it would. I love him so much, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and though I know he will be back, that doesn't stop my tears, or how much I'm gonna miss him......
I just want him to be here, I don't want him to be anywhere else, ever. I know that sounds kinda childish, but I love him with all of my heart... I am in love with him. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and a year seems so god damn far away.....
This summer was amazing, and the best summer I've ever had, but I don't want it to end.... I don't want to let him go, if for even a little while................ ='(

Day 11: Put your Ipod on shuffle and name the first 10 songs that pop up

Well, I'll do what the title says!!! Here it goes!

1. Pirouette by A Loss For Words
2. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
3. Pressure by Paramore
4. Follow The Signs by Born of Osiris
5. One Last Time by My Darkest Days
6. Broken Heart Still Beating by The Darlings
7. Whatever by Godsmack
8. Lost by Within Temptation
9. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
10. Perfect by Simple Plan

Well that's quite a variety of songs, hmm..... Ironically, all from my favorite bands!

Anywhere but here

Today I tried to talk to my grandma about living here, moving in permanently, or at least making a space that is my own. Because my room is the one place that I can be me, completely and entirely. The only place. I know that sounds weird, but I spent about 90% of my time in my room at my dads, all my music, creativity, poetry, books.... they're all there. And with my dad kicking me out, I lose that. I lose the one place I was happiest, second only to nature. But since I don't live around any beaches, forests, or mountains, I can't very well just walk outside when I need to think, and be there.
Anyways, I was talking to her about making a room here on my own, and she said that I shouldn't need to do that, because staying here is temporary. Which is ironic, because I'm here until I turn 18. I can't go back. I need to do what's best for me. I'm afraid of what I might do, if I go back. I'm afraid I might run away, and that would lead to bigger things, worse things. I'm afraid they'd just drag me back, that it would all be for nothing. And I'm also not ready to forgive my dad for anything he said, not for a long while. And I've got nothing but time. I have a year and a half until I turn 18. That's 18 months, 531 days, 12,744 hours, 764,640 seconds, and counting.
At first I thought that being here would help me, because then I can focus on getting better, not that they know about my ED, and I can be happy until I turn 18. But then earlier today, I was eating some crackers and cheese. Like just a little snack, because I was hungry, because I hadn't eaten any breakfast, though I wasn't hungry enough to eat a full meal, and she says "You should start watching your weight again. It looks like you're gaining weight." That just hit me, and I had already told her that weight, diet, exercise, was the one thing I refused to talk about. And she didn't listen. I didn't even have anything to say to her.
When I tried to talk to her last night as well about things my dad says, and how he makes me feel - that he isn't willing to change and I can't take it, she just said that I needed to quit being so stubborn, that I can do my part first and then maybe that would make him want to change. And that maybe that way could get better. But I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I'm tired of being hurt, and I doubt it would work anyways. It feels like everyone is trying to get ME to fix everything, and that though he has stuff he needs to change as well, it's up to me to initiate it. And I don't want that.
I don't even know what it was, but everything about this situation, it just made me burst into tears, and I couldn't even finish eating my snack. I was happy about myself today, I felt good, wasn't counting calories, or how much exercise I needed to do. It was my first taste of "Okay" or "Healthy" and it made me so happy. Then when she made that comment, I just got up, put my snack on the counter, grabbed my ipod, and walked out. I went walking, and I've been walking for the last hour. I just burst into tears, and I hate this. I never cry this much, and it makes me feel weak. I hate it because then I open up to people, and then I feel like they're gonna turn around and throw it back in my face. I don't want to get hurt.
I just want to be anywhere but here. My dad said that he didn't want me back, and now it's starting to feel like she doesn't want me here. I just hate this. I want to be 18 so that I can travel, be on my own. Maybe I could move to NY, and then I could be with Cimiron a little more, but also because I've always wanted to be there. If I'm on my own, then I don't need to depend on anyone, and nobody can hurt me. It would just be me, myself, and I. And I think that's the way it needs to be.

Besides, Cimiron is leaving today, and that makes me really sad. I love him so much, and this summer was a gift that meant everything to me. I can't wait until next summer, but at the same time, I don't want there to be a next summer. Instead, I just want there to be a now. I want him to be here, with me, so that I can be with him. Waiting a year is going to feel like a lifetime, and I don't want to wait. I know that there is nothing that I can do to change it, and I know that I will be okay waiting for a year, but that doesn't mean I want to let him go. It's gonna be hard, and tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend of mine, hopefully to take my mind off it. I just want to be happy, and right now, he's the only thing worth being happy about. The way I see it at least. But I also know that his life is up in NY, and that he had good reasons for moving there in the first place. I know that those reasons probably still apply, and I want him to be happy even if it means that he has to be far away. If he is happy, then I am happy, Well that's my rant for now, but I'm sure there will be more later. I just can't shake this feeling that I want to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. And I don't want to stay there for long, I want to travel, and I don't know. But it's time to get over it, pull myself together, and face the world. Crying about it isn't going to do anything to help me. So here I go....

Day 10: A photo of your favorite place to eat!

Hm.... That's kinda hard to pick.... but if I had to pick, then i'd say RIB CITY!!!! :D

Feelin' better..

Earlier today, we had to go to my dad's to take something to my brother, and as I was leaving, I went to grab something from my room, and I just started crying. I mean I don't think it's fair that my dad can say some horrible things to me, and then I have to lose my house, and my room, because of it. See, my room for me is my only place that I can be me in peace. When i'm anywhere else, it's different. Not that I have to be someone else when i'm out and about, but my room is where i'm most comfortable. I was really sad that i'm losing that, and that it doesn't feel like I belong anywhere, like nobody wants me around. But i'm learning to just not give a fuck about that.... Anyways, when I got in the car to go home, I just burst into tears, and I couldn't stop it, nor could I talk. I just cried.

I don't usually cry, unless i'm beyond pissed off, which is really hard to do. But today, crying like that, it felt really good, and it felt like something in me just got released. It felt like I was able to let go of something, or to start on the emotional walls I need to make for a while. It just helped so much! I felt a lot lighter afterwards, and then I was able to talk to my grandpa about it. 

He said that if I just kept at it, did my best, and made sure my dad had nothing to pick at me for, then he would gradually change. That's gonna have to happen a while down the road, because right now, I've got some healing to do. I need to do what's best for me, and right now, that isn't much. I need school, and the distractions it provides, but I also need to do it so that I can have something to work towards. I'm kinda anxious about school, worried. I don't like to be there, because I don't like people. That sounds really weird... but it's true. It's gonna be another year of awkward lunches, tolerating people i'm not fond of, and immaturity.

But on the bright side, i'm gonna be a Junior!! That means I've got 2 years left and I graduate. Then i'm free, baby!!! The first thing i'm gonna do? ROAD TRIP. And i'm gonna camp all the way! It's gonna be great!! That's something i'm looking forward to. I'm not sure how, or where i'm gonna go yet, but when I do, i'll post it here! I'm hoping to go with a friend of mine, but even if I can't, it's gonna be the one thing I do for me, that is going to make me happy beyond everything else! Now i'm just kinda ranting, but that's what my day has been like - emotionally at least.

It was pretty good, considering. (:

Day 9: A photo of something you ate today.

I wanted something sweet this morning for brunch, which is rare for me to eat, so I decided to make some French Toast! It was very yummy!!!!!! :D I ran out of bread though, so I couldn't make more.... Off to the store I shall head! (:

Day 8: A photo of the item you last purchased

Well as I was walking home, I went to the store and bought Brisk Sweet Tea. Normally I drink Arizona Sweet Tea, but as it says, here's a photo!

It was pretty yummy!!!! (^-^)

Best Day EVER!!!

Yesterday was amazing, mostly because I got to be with Cimiron. But also because I have a new perspective, in that fights I may have had with my dad may have stemmed from anger. I mean, even though he said a lot of things he should have never said, and so did I, that doesn't mean that he meant to push me away and destroy me. I don't think he can be any way else, or that he knows how to deal with it in any other way. And right now, I can't find it in me to forgive him, but maybe down the road, I can.
I know I won't be able to hold the grudge for long, but I can try. I need to focus on me right now, and doing what's best for me. He can wait. But I'm not going to worry about that and let it make everything negative, as it has before.
Anyways, yesterday I went to the park, and we hung out and played around on the playground. Then we went to lay in the grass, and I told him everything. About why I kept holding on to the Bulimia, what happened with my dad, everything. And he did something a lot of people would never do - he listened. He didn't try to offer any advice, not at first. He just listened. That was huge, and when he did offer advice, it was perfect. I had a good time, and it was nice to be able to be with him. Then I watched him kill a bunch of mini dinosaurs, which he hated. I don't understand why, but oh well.
Then he made me dinner! Okay, it wasn't huge, it was soup and bread/cheese sticks. But still, it was really thoughtful and I thought it was kinda sweet.
I got to hang out with him today as well, and it was great! We went to Olde Town, which is kinda this little place with a bunch of shops, it's pretty neat. And then he dragged me into the fountain, which was fun, and we both got totally soaked. I got to push him through it though, and he did have it worse seeing as he was wearing pants. So we walked around for a while until we dried off.
When we finally walked back to my house, we just hung out, and we ate lunch, which was pretty good! Then a while later, we both ate dinner, which was nice! We got to hang out until a little while ago, when he had to go home, but an amazing day with him? YES!!!! :D It's definitely yet another day that makes this summer unforgettable, and while he's gotta leave Friday, for now, i'm just gonna enjoy the time we have left.

That's what i've done recently. Anyone else have anything fun they did? I'd love to hear about it! I can't be the only one here! :D Haha just kidding, but seriously!!

Day 7: A song and photo to match your mood

Hm..... That's kinda tough. I don't really have a mood right now, but wait! Yes I do!

Here it goes!

I can walk on water by Basshunter matches my mood because I feel invincible!!! xD

A picture that matches my mood....

This is what matches my mood right now, because I feel excited, yet peaceful. And if I could EVER go here, then i'd be the happiest person ever!!! It's beautiful!!! :D

Curious??

I know that for the most part I am a new blogger, and I bet a lot of the time I don't make sense in my posts. But oh well, it's more to vent, or to get my thoughts out in a more productive way.

But I know that some people read my blog, which is a great thing! And there are a few of you that have commented on my blog, which makes me so happy, weirdly enough. I love it when people comment on my blog, or they email me, because it's great to know what people think. It is something I value above a lot of things, sometimes.

Anyways, the point of this is, do any of you guys that read my blog have any suggestions as to what would make it more enjoyable, or better, or anything like that? I would love to hear it, because I feel like my blog is missing something, but I don't know what? Anyways, if you would comment below or email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com with any constructive criticism, that would be great! (:

Day 6: Your Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality?

Well my birthday is February 13th, so that would make my Zodiac sign an Aquarius.
Here's a few things that it says about Aquarius.

Positive traits -

• Friendly and humanitarian
• Honest and Loyal
• Original and Inventive
• Independent and Intellectual

Negative traits -

• Intractable and Contrary
• Perverse and Unpredictable
• Unemotional and Detached

Beneath the detached, unemotional exterior lies a kind hearted friend that will go out of their way to help another. They love to make people laugh and cheer people up and it makes them feel good to make others feel good. They do not expect anything in return for this could put a damper on their freedom, they live with no strings attached. They are very unconventional and always full of excitement, an Aquarius friend always makes life fun. Aquarius tend to be rebels just for the sake of having their own way. Their stubbornness sometimes causes their failure, they will continue to do something their way even though others have proved it is wrong, they are very smart people and know it is wrong but they will continue just because it is their way, they are very fixed in opinion and stubborn when confronted. Despite their stubbornness and fixed opinion, they will never impose their ideas on others, they have respect for everybody's differences. They often question "Why" to everything, eventually leading them to question their existence. They often hold themselves away from people, not trusting their own emotions.

I think this really does fit my personality because as much as I hate to say it, I am emotionally detached sometimes, and though I know what I should be feeling, I don't. I live to help other people, and make them feel good. I am very stubborn, and even if I fail, I won't change my views on most things. If good evidence comes up to the contrary, then I will view differently, but very rarely. I do wonder why a lot..... Haha. I am independent to the extreme - I don't need people and I realize that they will all leave eventually, so I never get too attached. I've been told by a few people that I am honest, sometimes too honest, and that I am loyal. That is what people usually like about me. This is weird, because I've never really looked at what and Aquarius' personality would be like - or I guess I've never put much stock in it. But this is quite interesting, that it's all true. Wow.

Day 5: A photo of yourself 2 years ago

This was me two years ago, and I rather liked it. That winter day, it was snowy and cold, but not too much so that it was unenjoyable. I can't wait for more days like that this winter!!!

Summer memories

I woke up early this morning, as in 3 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. So then I got to thinking, about how this summer is almost over, and how I want to make the best of what summer I have left. And this led me to think about my 2012 top 5 summer memories.. so here they are.

1. Photo day with Cimiron. At first he didn't want to cooperate, but then when I finally got him to, we started having fun, and I got a lot of great pictures to keep as memories for this summer. (:

2. Going to HeavenFest with Cimiron. Although i'm not entirely sure if he enjoyed it, xD, it spawned my love for Thousand Foot Krutch. We got free hugs from a couple people, and i'm not gonna lie, I kinda wanted to make a shirt that said "Free hugs" and walk around with it myself. Haha it was great!

3. Going to Eltiches with A. I'm normally terrified of roller coasters, but I got over that fear recently, and now going to Elitches is a blast! My favorite roller coaster is the Mind Eraser, or the Twister II. My favorite water ride is the giant red one - no idea what it's called. Hahaha (:

4. Dying my hair with a friend of mine, which was difficult. I wanted to dye the top half blue, and the bottom half purple on the top layer, and then do vice versa on the bottom layer. We ran out of dye, and had more than a few complications, but it turned out pretty cool!!

5. All the times that I went places and just hung out with friends. The result? I'm happy, and I've got a wicked tan! It's kinda cool, but weird looking. I'm really enjoying it, because for the first time this summer, i've actually been more of myself than before. Like i'm kinda learning who I am in terms of girlishness, but not in a bad way. If that makes any sense?

So those are my top 5 memories of Summer, from 2012. I hope that I can make more in the next 2 weeks, before summer is over. Do any of you guys have any favorite memories? If so, comment below! I'd love to hear them!

The best way to live life (:

Great Motto!!!

Try to keep this in mind!

Gotta love Bob Marley!!

LOVIN' IT!!!

Pure bliss!

Today I don't have anything to do! I think i'm just gonna lay outside and read or listen to my Ipod. I just want to relax. Wonder what i'm gonna eat for lunch... I kinda want a fruit smoothie!!! Mmm..... Maybe i'll get a chance to make it for myself. I also just want to eat pineapple. Today is gonna be a good day. I am gonna love it!!! It's perfect! I'm in such a good mood!!!

Anyone else have anything fun or exciting they're doing today? Or anything exciting they're looking forward to?? I'd love to hear about that, if you want to comment below!!! I hope everyone has a good day!!

Day 4: Your views on Religion

In my opinion. religion is too controlling. I mean they pretty much tell you what you can and can't do, not in so much black and white, but they do.
Regardless of what you believe, you are going to go somewhere after you die, and I refuse to believe that if you worship a god now, it will impact what you do and where you go after you die.
Don't get me wrong here, I respect what other people believe, if they're religious or not, but I don't personally harbor these views myself.

However, I do consider myself Wiccan, though not openly and outwardly. It's more something I do for myself and by myself, and not many people know about it. Besides, what difference would it make? Most people don't think I could ever be Wiccan, but I guess that's their opinion.

To my family, I just don't follow a religion, since I grew up in a Christian family, and to them, if you don't follow that, then you're on a bad road, and possibly going to hell. It's weird.

Day 3: Your top 5 pet peeves!

I don't really get irritated easily, or rather I don't think I have many pet peeves.
But if I had to choose 5, or name them, hmm.....

I guess my first one would be when people don't use correct grammar. It's so weird, but if i'm reading a book or writing or something, and there is incorrect grammar, it kinda irritates me a little. I have absolutely no idea why, but it does. Weird huh?

My second pet peeve - when you're trying to have a conversation with someone, in person, or over text, and they don't reply for a long time. Then when they finally do, they've already forgotten what you were talking about, and you have to relay the whole conversation back to them. It's stupid! If you wanna talk, then talk! Haha.

My third pet peeve - when people walk slowly as if they have nowhere to go, and you're in a rush. I just don't get it. You have no reason to stand in the middle of the walk way, can't you take your conversation somewhere else?

My fourth - cop outs. Like when you're talking to someone, and they say "We'll go with that" or "Okay." or "Whatever." just so that they don't have to actually engage themselves in the conversation. If you're trying to have a conversation with me, and I say something you don't like, don't just say something to get out of the conversation. Or if you're gonna do that, then at least acknowledge what you're doing. (My boyfriend does this a lot, but I do it back, sometimes. I can't get mad at him for it..)

My fifth pet peeve - It's werid... I don't think I have a fifth pet peeve.... Or at least not one I can think of right now..... Oh well. I tried!

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Again, sorry that this is a little late, I haven't had access to the internet and my phone wouldn't let me post it!

In 10 years, I hope to have completed college and be working as a Forensic Scientist. Science has always been my passion in school, and to work with DNA and stuff? (Like Abby on NCIS), it just seems so cool! I was supposed to start taking classes now to help me with that in college, but I didn't get in.

I'd also like to see myself as playing my violin again. I used to play all the time, but then when I left school, I couldn't get any more music, so I just kinda stopped. I hope that 10 years from now I can be in some sort of orchestra, doing what I love!

The last thing I can think of at the moment that I'd like to see myself doing in 10 years - ENJOYING LIFE!! I don't want to have to worry about everything, and I want to be able to smile, laugh, and have fun with my friends. If you ever lose that, then you lose the point of living. You shouldn't be worrying about everything, instead you should just be having fun!! (^-^)

This is all I can think of for now, but hey, it's pretty good!

Feelin good!

I haven't had access to the internet for a few days, but I did try to post off of my phone. I learned that didn't work. So for right now, I'm gonna have to post what I would have posted on Wednesday, if I'd had the chance.

Today was probably the best I've felt in a while. I went to the mall with A, and we tried on a bunch of dresses, as well as random hats. We took a ride on a train, played glow in the dark mini golf, rode a rollercoaster simulator (Which was tons of fun!!), and just had a fun day. I actually felt beautiful in the dresses that I tried on!
For the first time in over a year, I ate lunch without knowing how many calories were in it, and I didn't feel bad about myself afterwards! After we got tired of being at the mall, we went back to her house and had a relaxing and funny movie night. We watched Vampires Suck, Young Adult, and The Sitter. I loved all of them!
I'm super excited for tomorrow, because I get to hang out with my boyfriend, though he leaves next Saturday. :( I am gonna take a lot of photos of him, so that he can be with me even when he isn't here... Kinda cheesy? I don't care! At least this way I can remember the fun times we had, and make a bunch of memories that I can always keep. Plus, I needed photos for my scrapbook. So I'm super pumped for that, though I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow night, since I have to go home to my dad's, even though he doesn't want me there. I tried to talk to him and ask him if we could try to work this out mutually, He said that he had his set rules and that neither them nor he were going to change.
But even that can't bring me down right now! I'm so excited for tomorrow, and if he's alright with it, I'll post some photos! I know that I will get through this thing with my dad, and that I will find a way to be stronger. It will be hard, and it will take a while, but I know that I can do it!

I never got a chance to post the photos, but i'll definatly put them up soon!!

10 things I love about myself (:

So I know I've been having a really tough time in my recovery, with feeling down, feeling like I'm overeating, which I'm really not, and just negativity in general since a lot of stuff is happening in my life right now. But I thought I'd try to name some of the things I like about myself, to help keep my good mood (^-^) I'll keep updating it as I think of more things, but for now, this is what I have!
So here it goes..

1. I love that I'm so independent. I see people who suffer a lot because they depend on people who eventually leave them, and it leaves them heartbroken. Though it may sound really snobby? if that's the right word, I enjoy that I don't have to worry about that. I enjoy being able to depend only on myself.
2. I love my smile. It's not perfect by any means, and I do have a tooth that goes over my other ones, but I love it. It's crooked, and half the time, I look kinda creepy when I smile (KIDDING), but I love it.
3. I love my attitude. I don't really care about anyone else, though not in a mean way. I mean like the thoughts and things that other people say don't bother me. Most of the time. Usually, I just go by how or what I feel, and nobody else can change that.
4. I love my sense of style - or rather, lack of one. I mostly wear darkish colors, though that's changing. I love skinny jeans, but wear flare jeans, and others too. I love band T-Shirts, or T-Shirts that have really cool designs on them. They make me feel comfortable, like home I guess? Because for me, home is wherever the music is. xD
5. I love my sarcasm. This may sound really odd, but I do. It allows me to joke with people, and make fun of my friends, but in a mutual way. I can't really explain it. It's just like my sarcasm is a huge part of who I am, how I interact with people. I use it when I'm in an awkward situation, or like when I want to break the ice, or get someone to laugh. Either way, it's me and I love it.
6. I love my determination. I love how I can set my mind on something and nobody can change it. I love how when I'm determined to do something, I will stop at nothing to get it done. And usually that takes a while, because I don't really set short term goals. Well I do, but they're all things that take a little while to accomplish.
7. I love my intelligence. I want to learn almost everything and anything that I can, and I won't stop until I absolutely have to. In school, I'm always trying to be as smart as I can, to do things as best as I can, to get as far as I can. I am always trying to be better than I was yesterday, but not to the point that that is all I think about. It's in a healthy moderation, I guess.
8. I love how random I can be. For example, on the first day of school my Freshman Year, I didn't know ANYONE, because I was from out of district. And everyone pretty much knew everyone, because they had all gone to middle school together. So I walked around the school and waved and said HI! to everyone I passed by, brandishing the biggest smile I could make. Why? Because I felt like it. It was just a random thing to do. Another example, is when my grandma took me to the store because they needed a new toilet brush. So we got one, and as we were walking throughout the store, I started using it as a sword and fighting the objects around me. I kept poking my grandma with it. But it made me happy, and despite the weird looks I got, I had so much fun. I even got my grandma to laugh with me!
9. I love my talent for the violin. Or rather, my passion. I don't mean to sound full of myself or cocky, but I love it, I love the way it sounds, and seeing as I've been playing since 5th grade, I think I've gotten good. I mean I can be so much better, because I'm not a prodigy or anything, but I'm not half bad, if I do say so myself. 
10. I love my strength. I don't usually let people push me down, or I don't stay down for long. I try to keep my head up, do the best that I can with my situation, and learn from it. Every hurt I go through, just helps to make me stronger, and i'm greatful for that.