Anywhere but here

Today I tried to talk to my grandma about living here, moving in permanently, or at least making a space that is my own. Because my room is the one place that I can be me, completely and entirely. The only place. I know that sounds weird, but I spent about 90% of my time in my room at my dads, all my music, creativity, poetry, books.... they're all there. And with my dad kicking me out, I lose that. I lose the one place I was happiest, second only to nature. But since I don't live around any beaches, forests, or mountains, I can't very well just walk outside when I need to think, and be there.
Anyways, I was talking to her about making a room here on my own, and she said that I shouldn't need to do that, because staying here is temporary. Which is ironic, because I'm here until I turn 18. I can't go back. I need to do what's best for me. I'm afraid of what I might do, if I go back. I'm afraid I might run away, and that would lead to bigger things, worse things. I'm afraid they'd just drag me back, that it would all be for nothing. And I'm also not ready to forgive my dad for anything he said, not for a long while. And I've got nothing but time. I have a year and a half until I turn 18. That's 18 months, 531 days, 12,744 hours, 764,640 seconds, and counting.
At first I thought that being here would help me, because then I can focus on getting better, not that they know about my ED, and I can be happy until I turn 18. But then earlier today, I was eating some crackers and cheese. Like just a little snack, because I was hungry, because I hadn't eaten any breakfast, though I wasn't hungry enough to eat a full meal, and she says "You should start watching your weight again. It looks like you're gaining weight." That just hit me, and I had already told her that weight, diet, exercise, was the one thing I refused to talk about. And she didn't listen. I didn't even have anything to say to her.
When I tried to talk to her last night as well about things my dad says, and how he makes me feel - that he isn't willing to change and I can't take it, she just said that I needed to quit being so stubborn, that I can do my part first and then maybe that would make him want to change. And that maybe that way could get better. But I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I'm tired of being hurt, and I doubt it would work anyways. It feels like everyone is trying to get ME to fix everything, and that though he has stuff he needs to change as well, it's up to me to initiate it. And I don't want that.
I don't even know what it was, but everything about this situation, it just made me burst into tears, and I couldn't even finish eating my snack. I was happy about myself today, I felt good, wasn't counting calories, or how much exercise I needed to do. It was my first taste of "Okay" or "Healthy" and it made me so happy. Then when she made that comment, I just got up, put my snack on the counter, grabbed my ipod, and walked out. I went walking, and I've been walking for the last hour. I just burst into tears, and I hate this. I never cry this much, and it makes me feel weak. I hate it because then I open up to people, and then I feel like they're gonna turn around and throw it back in my face. I don't want to get hurt.
I just want to be anywhere but here. My dad said that he didn't want me back, and now it's starting to feel like she doesn't want me here. I just hate this. I want to be 18 so that I can travel, be on my own. Maybe I could move to NY, and then I could be with Cimiron a little more, but also because I've always wanted to be there. If I'm on my own, then I don't need to depend on anyone, and nobody can hurt me. It would just be me, myself, and I. And I think that's the way it needs to be.

Besides, Cimiron is leaving today, and that makes me really sad. I love him so much, and this summer was a gift that meant everything to me. I can't wait until next summer, but at the same time, I don't want there to be a next summer. Instead, I just want there to be a now. I want him to be here, with me, so that I can be with him. Waiting a year is going to feel like a lifetime, and I don't want to wait. I know that there is nothing that I can do to change it, and I know that I will be okay waiting for a year, but that doesn't mean I want to let him go. It's gonna be hard, and tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend of mine, hopefully to take my mind off it. I just want to be happy, and right now, he's the only thing worth being happy about. The way I see it at least. But I also know that his life is up in NY, and that he had good reasons for moving there in the first place. I know that those reasons probably still apply, and I want him to be happy even if it means that he has to be far away. If he is happy, then I am happy, Well that's my rant for now, but I'm sure there will be more later. I just can't shake this feeling that I want to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. And I don't want to stay there for long, I want to travel, and I don't know. But it's time to get over it, pull myself together, and face the world. Crying about it isn't going to do anything to help me. So here I go....