Anticipating!

I know this is probably not going to make any sense, but I can't wait for September 1st. Why? Because that's when I officially start my 30 Day Fitness Challenge. I am actually really too lazy to exercise now, and I guess that's reflecting on my eating habits because I ate a shit ton today. I mean that's pretty much all I did, and that's not allowed..... I mean nobody should eat that much. I don't even want to think about what I ate, because it's horrible. I was not hungry at all today, but I still ate loads. Why? Because I was bored, and I have no willpower.
And now, my brain wont shut up and I keep hearing a constant stream of "How could you eat that, you're going to gain a lot of weight! You worthless piece of shit, you don't deserve to be here. Nobody wants you here, they all feel ashamed to see you because you're so fat! I mean what do people think of them when they walk around in public with you?! You're pathetic!" and other things. It's great, so naturally, I want to throw up. I almost did earlier, and I've had to keep myself busy and doing things in order not to. That coupled with the fact that someone would hear me if I did, since they are near, kept me okay. But I hated it. Every minute of it. And still I ate.
I couldn't see any way to get out of it, and I'm quite ashamed to admit.... I eat when I get bored. That's just what I do. Or maybe it's a Bulimic thing? I need to change that if I ever hope to lose weight and reach my goal. Plus, my grandma gets mad at me for being on the computer so much, because she thinks I spend too much time here. But what am I supposed to tell her? That writing keeps me sane? That it's my coping mechanism? That I love to read the blogs that I follow? I can't.
If I ever told her any of that, she'd want to know what I'm writing about, or what I write on. And she doesn't know anything. Nothing, and I'd like to keep it that way. I mean, even now, when I'm "Good" they get upset over the smallest things, or they tell me that I should do this or that, because they don't have the money, and then I just want to disappear. To shrink smaller and smaller until I can slip through the cracks in the floor. To just be invisible. Because I hate stressing them out. So they can't know about any of this.
I kinda think I need a therapist though. Like a real psychotherapist, because I know people say they don't do much, or that they only repeat back to you what you put out, but somehow they always end up helping you. They end up making you realize things about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise, or that would take you much longer to figure out. At the same time, however, I don't want one, because to me that means dependence, and letting someone in, and to be honest, I'm so tired of hearing my story told over and over and over again. I'm nothing special. The only thing that I could ever see good about getting a therapist, is that maybe then they could help me figure out my own head, but really, that doesn't even seem legit.
I'm setting a goal, or rather multiple goals. This might bother some of the people that read this post, and if it does, I'm really sorry. But by October 1st, 2012, my goal is to weigh 170 lbs. By December 1st 2012, my goal is to weigh 150. Then by my birthday, February 13th, 2013, my goal is to weigh 130, and then to maintain that weight. If I go a little lower, as in 120, then that's all the better. But my ultimate goal weight is 130, for now. And this time I am going to do my best to do it the healthy way, through exercise and healthy diet. Not by binging, purging, restricting, and self harm. That way doesn't work, it will never work, and I don't want to ever go back.
Besides, I really want to get into the habit of loving running again, though I don't know if I can. I mean, I do have asthma, so that would impact it a little bit, but I still want to be able to. And if I can get to my goal weight, then I intend on getting a gym membership, but only as I will be sure to use it. I know that everyone says weighing less isn't the key to being okay with myself, or loving myself but here's the fact of the matter. Everything I can see myself doing, loving, etc, it all starts with my weight. I refuse to run unless I lose weight, I refuse to eat 3 times a day, unless I lose more weight, and I refuse to give up this fight, until I get to my goal weight. I am stubborn about everything, except this. I can't stick to it like I wish I could, and there's really nobody to support me through this. Any of my family members can't, because they make me nervous, and uncomfortable, and none of my friends think Bulimia is legit.
I mean I told about two of them, but they never took it seriously. Or I don't feel like they did. I lied to them once, said that I was doing better, just to see, and they both believed me. They didn't ask anything else, and they dropped the subject. I mean, Bulimia may not show major signs, like severe weight loss, or anything like that, but that doesn't mean that it can't be real. But I feel like it would be a little better, because then I'd actually have someone to talk to about this stuff, someone who actually cares. But what's done is done, I guess. I can't change it, and really, neither of them care. I don't really care. But I can't wait until I start getting healthier!!! :D
Well this is pretty much all I have to say, I'm really quite tired, as I have school tomorrow. So I think that I am going to go to bed, or maybe. I actually have some stuff to do first, but goodnight on here. (: