Nothing

I am such a masochist.
I think that's why I can't give this up. Because in all honesty, I feel I deserve it.
I feel like I'm retreating farther and farther into a place I can't even put a name to.
A place where no words can reach me.
A dark place.
A place that feels like home.

A place where I can hurt myself, and cry, and hate, and starve.
A place where no light can shine.

Normally when I'm upset, I talk to Cimiron, and it helps.
Last night, it didn't.
He called, right as I was about to SH.
Not that I told him that.
I ended up telling him about how I feel like I place burdens on him.
He said that I never did, and that he just wanted to help.
He told me to reach out, whenever.
If I need to talk.
Reach out.

I was happy, I laughed, I was smiling as we joked.
I was happy.
But as soon as I got off the phone with him,
The tears started falling silently down my face.
I reached for my razor blade. The feel of it becoming so familiar to me.
I couldn't breathe.
I felt like suffocating.
And all I could think was
I'm unreachable. I'm in pain, but I deserve it. I deserve worse.

If he can't reach me,
Who can?

When does the hope run out?
When is the battle over?

I leave for Hawaii in 16 days.
I dread going. I tried on the swimming suit I had shoved in the bottom of my drawer.
As soon as I saw myself, I cringed.
I wished I had my razor.
Or something, anything.
I have lost no weight.
I have made no changes.
Not eating for most of the day doesn't work for me anymore.
My metabolism is used to it.

That's what makes it so hard.
Everyone says that my metabolism is fine.
That it is at it's peak right now.
I don't believe that.
I go days without eating,
I eat a lot.
I eat a little, and only when I can't refuse.
Nothing changes.
Nothing.

Whenever I get hungry, like actually hungry,
I try to eat something small.
But no matter how healthy what I eat is,
Or how little I eat,
As soon as it passes my lips, I cringe.
I hate.
I cut.
I punish myself, for being weak and giving in.
This is not normal.

In my last post,
I said I was done talking.
I said that I no longer wished to talk
That still rings true.
I am still so close to the edge of the cliff.
Trying not to fall.
Things can't get much worse.
Not in my eyes at least.
Yet I fear what lies at the bottom.
Is it suicide?

I promised people that I wouldn't try again.
I promised I would be strong.
I promised that I would try to keep going.
I promised that I would take this second chance.

I've pretty much broken all of them.
If I can no longer keep a promise to myself,
and I can no longer keep a promise to someone else..
If I can no longer tell you anything about myself,
If I can no longer find the will to fight,
To keep going,
To try...
If I can no longer see a tomorrow,

Then there is nothing left.

I am empty space.
Nothing.

My voice is no more.

I see all the blogs of people who have started or been where I am. And I see where they are now.
They are losing weight.
They are reaching their goals.

They are finding themselves, making friends, being happy.
They are making progress.

I, however, am not.

I never have. There is no fucking point anymore.

I hate my dad. He is rude, and doesn't give a shit about me. He doesn't beat me, kick me out, or forget to feed me.
I can't rely on anyone. There are plenty of people that are willing to support me, and talk to me, and encourage me. I just need to reach out to them.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. Or what the point of me saying anything is. I should just stop talking. Everything I say is just for attention.

I'm done.
My voice is now more.

_

I sat in my room last night, crying. I couldn't stop, and it felt so good. When I got home last night, I was angry. Just angry. I was shaking, and I wanted to destroy everything in my room, and myself. Everything around me. I wanted it to reflect how I feel inside.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do that. So I tried everything else. Writing, reading, singing, dancing, listening to music, and everything else that normally helps. I couldn't go for a run, as it was so dark already. All of my suicidal thoughts started flooding in, and I started feeling trapped. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone. I wanted to talk to Cimiron, but I couldn't. It was too late his time. I got to thinking.

He is what is holding me up, and I rely on him. He makes me smile, he is my reason to keep fighting. He means the most to me. But what happens when we break up? When I fall? What will I do then? I hate that I put so much pressure on him because of this. I don't want him to feel like he has to stay with me, otherwise I might make another suicide attempt. No. That is not how it is. He was really sweet when I told him about it, and he listened. It was amazing. But one can only deal with so much crap before they reach their limit, and I'm afraid for him to reach his.

So then I started writing. On my mirror, because I could erase it, and nobody would be the wiser. Nobody would know how I felt... and then earlier today... I thought that maybe writing about it would help. Plus, if I ever get out of this, I can look back on it, and see how I once felt. This is proof that it wasn't all in my head... I can't be strong anymore..

I don't want to be.

I don't know how to keep trying.

I just don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I can only smile and pretend I'm okay for so long.

I ask myself this every day.

This is what runs thorough my head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am all of those things, if not more. It never really changes, and I don't expect it too. But I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much.

As ungraceful as ever...

Something brought me here. More than just the usual desire to write. The need to say what is in my head. Things I can't say anywhere else.

I figure, as I am going to be telling the person who means the most to me about it, I might as well write about it too. It may be just what I need.

So here goes. Judge me if you will, but I will keep fighting.

Here's an account of what I've come to know as "The Incident."

On Sunday, I was sitting in my room. Pacing, actually. I had loads of anxiety, and I didn't want to sit down, because it makes my stomach stick out. I hate it.

If you have read my blog, or followed me for any amount of time, I would guess that you know that for the last few months, I've not been doing too well. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

Sunday, I hit the peak of that. December 30, 2012.

As much as I hate to admit it, whenever my anxiety levels get to high, or I'm upset, or something really strong emotionally happens, I usually SH. I know that is not a healthy way to cope. But I do it anyways.

So I tried that. I had been binging for a few days, and I hated how I felt. I felt fat, and gross, and unworthy, and low, and just all out horrible.

I needed to fast, but that is impossible in my damn house. So I SH. A lot. Unfortunately, it didn't have the effect that I needed it to. It didn't block everything out, and it only made me angrier.

For about a week before Sunday, I had been thinking about death. There have been a lot of deaths in my community, but also in my family. I was just thinking about how it would feel to die. How one could die. Or what dying meant. Just objectively thinking about it. Not in a personal way. I wasn't planning my death or anything.

But Sunday night, I just couldn't take it. I literally wanted to die. I just wanted to be gone, to be dead, to not have to deal with any of this anymore. It didn't cross my mind all the people that were there for me, or the people I would be leaving behind. It was purely selfish.

So I'm sure you can guess what I did.

I OD'd. I tried to overdose. I didn't take enough though, or maybe I didn't take the right combinations, because I didn't die.

I would have, if this kid hadn't stepped in. He kept texting me and texting, and calling, etc. My phone buzzing brought my dad around, and he found me.

I'm sure you can all guess what happened after that. I feel no need to finish that particular part of the story. This isn't easy to write. I keep writing a few words, then deleting a sentence, then re-writing it, then deleting. I just can't seem to get the words right.

For this whole week, the feeling of wanting to die hasn't gone away.

I still think about it sometimes, about what it would be like to fully die. I have accepted that, and it no longer bothers me. Maybe it should. Maybe getting comfortable with your death isn't the best thing.

I haven't told Cimiron about any of this. He doesn't know that I have Anorexia, that I cut and SH on a regular basis. He doesn't know I was having a bad few months. Or that I was suicidal. But  can't expect him to. I never said anything. I always told him that I was fine, that I was okay.

The reason being for that is that whenever I try to talk about it, he gets hurt. Hurt in the sense that he wants me to be okay, and that he wants to help. But I am not okay, nor do I want to be okay right now. He can't help, and I don't know how to ask that of him. So I gradually just stopped saying anything. I just hid it.

But as it was pointed out to me, I should tell him. He loves me, he can help me, and he cares. I know he does.

But with that comes my intense fear of what he would think. I am not one to care what others think of me, or to get emotionally attached to people. I just don't. Normally. But with Cimiron, I have. If he were to reject me, I would be crushed. If he just accepted it, no questions asked, I think it would be a form of rejection in itself. I don't know.

I asked him how well he took bad news, and he basically said that he took it kinda well, and that he would try to be okay with it. I know he would. That's what I love about him. One of the things anyways. So I told him that I needed to talk to him, and I talk to him in about 2 hours. I am absolutely terrified.

Most of my family doesn't know. The only one in my family who knows is my dad. I feel like if I said all of this allowed, then I would be making it real. I feel like somehow they would find out.

I need to be 18. When nobody has control over me except for me, then I can finally breathe. But for now, I guess I jut have to watch my back.

I feel so low, so undeserving of everything. Because I have sunk this low. I don't know what up is. I don't feel like I can go up. Only down, or maintain. I feel like I deserve to go down. Because I'm just that horrible. But I don't know. It is so hard to know what to do in these situations. I trust Cimiron with my life, and I know he is a good person. But still. I fear for my rejection.

Wish me the best of luck... I hope that all goes well.

That is my story.

Where I go from here... I don't know.

But I realize now that I can't give up trying.

What Does It Make You?

If you have a bad habit, but you don't want to quit it... does that make you a bad person?

I have an Eating Disorder... but I don't want to stop.
I self harm... But I don't want to stop.
I bite my nails... but I don't want to stop.
I over exercise... but I don't want to stop.

Does this make me weak? A failure? A bad person?

Actually.. I think it does. Or not. I don't know what it makes me.

If an alcoholic doesn't want to stop drinking... are they a bad person?
If a druggie doesn't want to stop smoking... are they a bad person?
If a junkie doesn't want to stop... are they a bad person?

What if?

Honesty is the best policy, right? Especially with the ones you love, right?

But what if it was something that they would never otherwise find out?

What if it doesn't effect them? Should you still tell them because they care about you?

What if they can't help you, what if you don't need help?

What if telling them would only tear everything apart?

What if telling them made them think you were crazy?

What if you got hurt by telling them?

What if they didn't love you anymore?

What if you knew you could prevent it?

What if you made a bigger deal out of it than it was?

What if it killed you?

Would you still tell them?

What if it had no benefit, and only hurt the person you were trying so hard to protect?

What if?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifhwhatif?

Randomness in my life

So far.... the fast is going good.
Now that I've wasted a good chunk of my day on my computer ^_^
I think it's time to do chores and get movin'!!

I actually feel motivated to do chores, clean my room, and do my laundry today. I think this is my go-to activity when I have nothing better to do. But hey! At least it's productive!!

Sorry for my boringness. Just wanted to update on how life is going..

Pretty swell at the moment!!! ^____^

Motivation

***Thinspiration warning****

I have to keep myself on track. I can't lose sight of what I want.
So here's some thinspo. I am lacking inspiration, but maybe this will help.

*** I love belly rings. They are THE BEST!! I want a stomach to have a belly button ring!! SO bad!! Yep. I'm feeling motivated.

Though I feel a bit stupid because I don't know how to work Tumblr. Anyone know that would show me? LOL.

Great start for the new year!

Not. I can't even begin. Where do I begin?

Well.... I fucked up.

Twice. Or 3 times.

Maybe 4.


Fuuuck.


For one, I smoked weed. Yeah, I used to. I have only smoked maybe a handful of times in my life though. After last time... It was no more.
Well, wasn't.
My aunt and her friend were all for getting high off their asses, and for some reason, that made me decide to take part.. That is offense number one.

Offense number 2:
Because of the weed, I lost control. Fuck.
In the course of like 2 hours... I had 4 cups of coffee with coffee creamer (300), popcorn (400), chocolate (300), corn chips and ranch (600), skittles (250), and champagne (424). I over estimated a bit, because I had no way to measure things, and I don't know 100% how much I ate.. Nonetheless... It was 2284... Fuck. Yeah... Now I have to burn that off.... I know that I gained weight. Which means that I have to lose it.

Offense number 3:
Champagne. I knew that I was fucking up. I always do. SO I had to keep going. I had 424 calories in Champagne. And as it was my first time drinking... I did get a little bit drunk. Not like full on, I don't think I drank that much... but fuck. I still consider it an offense.

Offense number 4:
This morning. I got up, and my aunt and her friend were smoking. Again. So long story short, I ended up smoking again with them. Shit. I had one cup of coffee (150), biscuits and gravy (600), and hot dogs (300).
Yep. Wow. I am so out of control. And even as I write this. Yeah, I'm still high. Apparently, right now, I know no shame. But when it wears off... It's gonna be hell.
So the total for the day is already 1050. This is more than I ate on Thanksgiving and Christmas combined.
So much for 400 a day.

One day into the new year.. I've already fucked up. But for this one time, I'm going to act like this never happened. I am going to have to keep going, forget about this.


So my plan for the rest of the week. I am fasting. Liquid fasting. I will basically cleanse myself. I eat NOTHING until Sunday. That's when my 400 a day limit kicks in. I have to do this.

fatfailurefatfailurefatfailure

Ahh such that I am. Don't try to tell me I'm not. I have no hope for that reality right now.

I weighed myself. And I've only gained a lb from this. Though I feel like I should have gained six. It probably won't show up right. I need to get a scale of my own.

Anyways, I feel absolutely horrible. Bloated, gross, fat. Yeah. So I'm going home, I'm going to run, and I'm going to get back on track. I will be skinny. I am determined.

Now... to motivate myself.

My New years!

I definitely didn't plan it the way it happened out. And I don't know which version you are here to read about. God, I feel so whacky. So I don't know how much sense this post will make. Hopefully, you can at least understand it. So I'll give you the planned version, and the actual version. What you take from them is entirely up to you.

Planned version:
- Sit at home and have a movie marathon/
-Avoid food!!!
-Watch some fireworks, hopefully.
-Avoid food!!
-Possible pull an all nighter.... I mean... Who needs sleep?!!
-Avoid food!!!!

Pretty interesting, isn't it? Ah, well. I promise that the actual version is a little more.... messed up, interesting, stupid, however you choose to view it.

Actual version:
-Go to my aunt's to hang out with her friend.
-Decided I didn't want to go home, and that I would just chill there.
-Watch American Pie, and Bad Teacher. Amazing movies, if you haven't seem them.
-Smoke (weed) for the first time in about 6 months.
- Eat some food, drink some coffee.
- Smoke some more.
-Watch fireworks at midnight!
-Drink some Champagne.
- Smoke some more.
-Finally fall asleep at 3am.

Pretty exciting, isn't it?
Totally not how I planned it to go.
Really.
Judge me for what you will though.

Hope everyone had a good new years!

My 2013 Resolutions!

Yeah, I know. These were supposed to go up at midnight, weren't they? Well.... I was having a good/bad night. So.... they're going up late. Hope you don't mind. [;
So these are my "resolutions". I like to say goals, because if I say resolutions, then I definitely won't reach them. All that bad mumba jumba. You know what I'm talking about.

My resolutions:
1. Be friendlier. I can't isolate myself anymore.
2. Complete more of my "before I die" tasks.
3. Focus more on school. It's the key to everything I want.
4. Reach my UGW. It's gonna take time. But I will do it.
5. Stop pushing people away. Even the strongest people need people sometimes.
6. Think of more resolutions when you have a clear head... Yeah.

So there you have it! No, I'm not in the best headspace right now (another post to come). When my head clears, I'll add more to the list! So keep checking!


Happy 2013 everyone!!!!! ^__^

Day 1

This is my first day of progress pictures.
I will post pretty much everything.
Pictures, measurements, and my weight. Woo.
I am such a fat whale.
But here goes.

Starting weight: 180.5 lbs
Arm: 11 inches
Thigh: 24 inches
Waist: 31 inches
Wrist: 6.5 inches
Hips: 39 inches
Calf: 15 inches

Damn.
This makes me look ridiculously fat. But I suppose I am.

Now, the world can see my fat ass, and agree that I look like a whale. But I will change this. I update in 2 weeks, but until then, I'll be posting how it's going, and tons of thinspo to keep me on track.

Getting My Ass In Gear

So it just set in that it is almost the new year. For some reason, I had been avoiding that thought.

My goal was to be 120 by June of 2013. But at this point, I'll take what I can get.
I don't intend for anyone to support me. I know that what I about to embark on is NOT HEALTHY. Not safe. But fuck it.

After last night, there is no more safe. I have officially crossed some line.
If you know about last night, please don't say anything. Right now, I don't even want it on my blog. I can't stand it. Maybe later, once time has passed, I will write about it. But right now, I can't.

I think a few people who know me here might be reading my blog. So I'm going to remove any pictures of me, and I changed my name to an alias on here. Not a big deal. I am still me. But if you are reading this, and you know me, please, I ask you. I beg you. Don't tell anyone. Keep this to yourself, or text me to let me know you know, or message me on Facebook. Please, just don't say anything to anyone.

With that being said...
Here's my plan.

I will go for a half an hour walk every day. EVERY DAY. No excuses. I will do 500 crunches, before I go to bed, and I will sleep no more than 6 hours a night.
I must drink at lest 2 liters of water a day, and my caloric intake must be under 400. No excuses. This isn't about "losing weight". Or getting there the healthy way. I will starve my way into being beautiful. I am cutting out all sweets. I am also cutting out all dairy. I don't know what this makes me. But it is how I am going to do things.
The dairy rule is flexible, but not too much.

Once I get myself an Ipod, to replace the one that was stolen, I will post tons of thinspo pics on there, and start using MyFitnessPal. This will keep me on track. Really.
There has been NO EXCUSE for what I have been doing. Any other person would have lost loads of weight by now, living in my house.
I am fat. And a failure.
There is no other excuse.

Once I go back to school, I will ace all of my classes. Anything less than an A is unacceptable. I will do this. I have to. I will get into college, and I will be beautiful. Skinny.
I am going to have some ups and downs. But I will stay on track. This will be so much harder after what happened last night, and my family being all up in here watching me, and keeping tabs on what I do or do not do, but I will do it. I have to.

I might post some thinspo pics on here.
If this bothers or triggers anyone, you might not want to read. I know that it isn't the best decision, that there are better ways, but fuck it.
I don't want a better way.
This is just Ana and I.
So thinspo, it is. I have to do this.

I will do this.

In Hawaii, my dad wants to hike to a lot of volcanoes and such. This means TONS of exercise. Woo! And if I can manage not to binge while I am there, then I will definitely drop weight. I can do this.
I am so excited to go. Not for being a whale in a bikini, but for losing weight, for exercising, and for getting to have fun while doing it. I won't be in a dark mood. I can't let myself...
I can do this.

That's all I have to do. Repeat that to myself over and over and over.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.

My thoughts might grow dark at times, but that is me. Everyone has those thoughts. And this is the only place I can properly write them out, so I will. Please, don't judge me. This is my journey. You can choose not to watch any time you want. But I will do what I see fit.
Haha, puns. Gotta love them.

I refuse to be a whale anymore. So I'm going to post progress pictures and such as I go. Maybe it'll help if the world can see how disgustingly fat I am. I hope it will.
I am going to start tomorrow. Bright and early. I will post those pics. And if you don't want to see them, or if you get triggered, then please, take control and don't read. But I have to do this.
I believe it is for the best.
I can no longer go one day without losing weight.
No more.

I will do this.
You're welcome to watch, but I don't encourage anyone to join me. What I am doing is not good. I know that.
But I'm doing it.

It's time to get my ass in gear.

New looks.

It's almost 2013. Which means that everything for me, is going to change.
You may have noticed the change on my blog. I felt like I needed something new, and this was it. I don't know if I will keep it though. I just kinda wanted to express myself.
If you want, you can tell me what you think, or if there is anything I should change
Or if you just want to say something, you can. Comments are always welcome.
That was strangely... therapeutic for me. I don't know why, but it was. (:

What do you see?

Just a random picture. But I thought I should post it. Because isn't that what I always do?
So you're supposed to look at it, and the first 4 words you see, describe you.
My words were:
Insecure
Passionate
Thoughtful
Independent

Not too bad.
Here's the picture. What do you see?

Just when things start to look up......

They fall down again.

I want to be anyone but me.

I want to reinvent myself.

But I don't know how.

Don't read this.

Went to a dinner theater tonight.
I was in dark jeans and a black t-shirt. It took me about 45 minutes to choose this simple outfit. Everything I tried on, made me feel fatter. I hated the way it fit. I wanted something "nice" but also something plain. I settled on the black t-shirt. I didn't think it was that bad. But my grandma got upset as soon as she saw me. She said I didn't look nice enough.
She suggested that I wear this orange shirt, one I never wear anymore. I didn't think it was in any way nicer, and I hate it because it makes me look fat. Not that she knew that. In the end, my cousin's girlfriend lent me a nice shirt to wear. I was so grateful. But it felt awkward. She has really pretty clothes, but she's 5'2 and a lot heavier than I am. Nevertheless, she is an amazing role model to me. She might be overweight, but she is happy. Like really and truly happy. I can't explain how I know this, but I do. She is happy. I admire that.
Then I got forced into dinner. It's a long story. She has asked me if I have "eating problems" because I like to skip meals. When I'm genuinely not hungry. Completely un-ED related. Anyways, I had to eat to keep her off my case. Which only made things worse, to me. I couldn't even stand to sit down. I hate my stomach when I sit. It was everything I could do not to get up and run out of that house. Run away, and run until I couldn't breathe, until I was far away from everyone.
I didn't even want to go tonight. I did it to make my grandma happy. I just wish that she would stop talking to me. I know that's extreme, but it's true. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her. I snap at everything she says. I'm sarcastic, and snarky, and rude. I know this, but I have no desire to change it. Whenever she talks to me, I get mad. Doesn't matter what she says. I just hate when she talks to me. This is who I have become.

I have a new found desire to avoid eating. I basically have about 28 days to lose as much weight as I can. So that means eating basically nothing. I start clean tomorrow. I might post progress about how I'm doing, but I don't want to bother anyone. It might help to keep me on track. I haven't binged for about 3 days now. I hope it stays that way. Usually, I can get into a "I already ate once, so I might as well keep going to punish myself." kind of mindset. It's so detrimental. I'm working on changing that.
I don't know how things will go when I am in Hawaii. With my dad there, it will be so much harder to skip meals. But hopefully we'll be doing a lot of walking around. Does anyone have any tips for skipping meals on vacation? I have never had to do it... and I am scared I'll give in. God, I'm so weak. I still haven't figured out how to avoid the guilt of wasting food, but that guilt is nothing compared to the self hate I feel towards myself, or the guilt I would feel.
Ugh.

I just want out. Away from my family. Away from everyone I know here. I don't want any reminders, or any connection. I want to be someone different than who I am. I don't want to be me. Anything would be better than this. Anyone.
When it gets closer to the end of the school year, I'm going to dye my hair, cut it off, and be crazy. I'm going to reinvent myself, lose a ton of weight over the summer, and finally reach 120 to be skinny by my senior year.
Well.... maybe.
A girl can dream, right?
And dream I shall.

I did enjoy the dinner theater. This guy that was sitting near me kept checking me out, and it was such a confidence booster. I mean, to know that it was possible to be attractive, even when I feel like I look like the size of a house.
But I guess tomorrow is a new day.

My dad is being an ass again. Ugh. That's my cue to go upstairs and ignore him. Whatever. Hope everyone is doing well. I can't wait for Saturday. (:

Holiday times!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas?
What did you do? (If anyone cares to answer. I always feel weird posting questions on here.... like who actually reads them?? xD)

My Christmas went okay.
My dad doesn't do holidays, so I went over to my grandma's to celebrate. My cousins and aunts are here to visit, so it was nice seeing all of them. I never see/talk to them anymore.
Of course, it had to be that day that I got the flu. So I didn't feel much up for doing things, and I didn't want to get anyone else sick. Though at least I didn't have to eat anything, and won't for the next week.

I got to see my nieces and they are so cute. I have 2 nieces and a nephew, and we were doing karaoke. My oldest niece loves to sing. She's such a diva! It was quite cute.
And then we took turns singing karaoke. My uncle is so funny!

And that's where it ends. Everything else in my head - stays in my head. I don't even know how to say it. Or what to write. :/

Happy feels good

Today feels like just any other day. Well, kinda. I did talk to Cimiron last night ^____^ so my mood has improved a ridiculous amount. I just want to dance and run and sing and be happy. I am happy. 3 weeks was wayy too long. Never again.
So that is a great start to my day!


Also, I finished all my Christmas shopping, so now I just have to wrap them. I'm finally starting to be excited for being around my family, and all that comes with Christmas. I don't intend to eat much. Plus I have the worlds worst cramps, so now I have a reason not to eat! I will do this. I'm also really bloated, so I'm a bit excited to weigh myself when I don't have the bloat, as I know I will have gone down. But this not knowing, is kinda killing me.
Bleh. I can't even stay mad about that! I'm too happy!

I think today I'm just gonna take it easy. There's nobody around, nothing to do, well not really, and I feel like cleaning. Why oh why do I get bored and then clean? I don't mind, I kinda like knowing that I've accomplished something.

I'm still trying to make plans with my friends. Or any of them. That's not working out so well. I don't want to spend my break hiding away in my house. I want to be out doing things, hanging out with people, anything! D: Guess I can't force them to.

Hope everyone is doing good, and Merry Christmas!! Xx

Ranting!

Why???
I have like the worst case of bitchiness to accompany my wonderful time of the month. I didn't think I was going to have it! In fact, I can't remember the last time I had it. Which probably isn't a good thing, but I don't care. I like not having it.
Especially times like these when I have horrible curl-in-a-ball-and-try-not-to-cry cramps and If-you-look-at-me-wrong-I-will-massacre-your-face-with-a-fork bitchiness.
-_____________________________- <---- Does this tell you how I feel about it?

Plus, when I get cramps, all I want to do is eat. Which I was already not allowing myself to do, since I need to lose weight, and I have Christmas coming up. Ugh.

Can someone just shoot me? I don't need this, I don't want it, I hate it. I can't wait till I lose so much weight that I no longer have to deal with these. I know that isn't healthy, but it is my thoughts. It's how I feel. I will get there one day, but I will also come back. I will recover. Someday. Right now, it's looking to be wayyyyyyyyy in the future.
At least if I feel like puking I won't want to eat! (:

Anyways, rant over. Now I'm going to go bake a cake (that I have no intention of eating.) (:

Christmas!

I never feel like I can be myself around my family.
Example?

My grandma - When I dyed my hair funky colors (purple and blue) she said that I was doing it because I wanted to be like someone else. When really, I was doing it because I'm crazy. I'm loud, weird, hyper, fun, etc. But not around her. She hates it.
My dad - He doesn't really know anything about me. I'm rarely ever around him anymore, so why should he? That's explanation enough in itself.
My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. - I never see them anymore. Not really. They all live out of state or something, so we don't talk much. There's really nobody around here that is my age, so my crazy-ness doesn't exactly float with them. They prefer I be chill.

The conclusion? I don't like spending much time around my family, but now they are here. And this time, there will be tons of food, and I know I have weird food habits, so I have to hide those from them as well, they can't know about Ana. I have to stay on track. I have about 30 days to lose as much weight as I can. And I will. I refuse to look like a whale in a bikini. If I can help it.


On a brighter note, I did Christmas shopping last night, and I think I'm finally starting to get into the Christmas spirit! It is finally starting to feel the slightest like Christmas.
:D

And it just means I'm that much closer to going to...... HAWAII!!!! ^______^ Can you tell that I'm excited?!!??! Nahh! xD

Now it's time to go socialize! I can't hide away forever! xD

What do you think of me?
Good and bad, I honestly want to know.

Winter Break!!

Finally!!!
I have no finals left. I think I failed my Chem final, but I also took my Spanish final! I think it sucked, but it could have been worse! I hope it doesn't kill my grade!!


Now!
Time to have fun!
I made plans with a friend to hang out in an hour, and I am kinda second guessing that right now. But it will be fun! ^_^
As for the rest of Winter Break (I go back on January 9th) I will have fun!! Not sure how, but I will!!

I really want to post pictures, and I have a lot to say, but for now, it has to wait! (:

Spanish Finals

I am so bad at Spanish. I have to memorize like 5 minutes of dialogue in about half an hour. For my final.

I'm so terrified for this because if I fail, I fail the class. I'm so scared.
Bleh! I hate Spanish!


Wish me luck! >.<

Time flies

I just realized... it's been 3 weeks since I last spoke to Cimiron. I don't think I've ever gone this long without talking to him. Ugh.

Usually when I feel like shit, talking to him just brightens everything, makes me feel so much better, about everything, about my life. About me.
Maybe that's just what I need.
I've been so busy studying for finals, and life has been so crazy recently that I just haven't had time. Or I've felt like shit, because of self harming, because I know what I am doing to my body, etc. So I just haven't called him.
I am such a bad girlfriend. I need to pull my head out of my ass. =P
So I fully intend on trying to call him tonight, and have a very nice conversation. If I am happy (like ridiculously happy) then you know it happened. (:

Just a little thought there.

Hope everyone is doing good!

Not healthy. I know

I was thinking about trying 2-4-6-8....
But then I got to thinking "What if I cut it in half and made it 1-2-3-4?" Then i'm always under 500.
I don't know. I think I might try this. Starting tomorrow. I need a plan. I can do this.

Just so everyone knows, my goal is 175 by the end of December. 170 would be better, but i'm going for 175.

^_^ ^_________^ ^_^

I can't wait for tomorrow!
I have 1 final!!

ONE!!!

Which means I get to relax! ^_^ And it's a Friday!! I don't know if I can get my dad to excuse me, but I am so excited. I got a B on my History Final (one of my toughest classes) and I'm sure I did good on the other ones! (:
I might go hang with a friend (Something I've been needing to do) and just laugh and have a good time.
I need it. I can't wait to do it. So there will definitely be a lot of that going on for Winter Break!!

What are everyone's plans?

Does anyone else feel a lack of Christmas spirit? I didn't even realize how close Christmas was. I mean, it feels like it isn't here yet, like it should still be a month or 2 away. Does anyone else feel like that?


I have some questions for anyone that reads this. Or if you even just pass by.
Just some questions I've been wondering, thinking about.
1. If you had to choose one word to describe me, what would it be?
2. Would you ever be friends with me if you saw me somewhere? Like would you talk to me?
3. Is there anything in particular you would like to read about? Or have me write about?
Ask away! ^_^

Me in 2010

Me in 2011

Me in 2012

I guess I haven't really changed much over the last 3 years. Not from what you see here anyways. But these are my top 3 favorite pictures of me. Conceded much? xD

Nahh! Everyone has to be conceded sometimes!

Going away

More and more things are wrong with me. Or I feel like they are. I have realized just how much I rely on other people, and I hate it. How much I let others do for me, how much I don't do for myself. I don't know.
I just want to be independent. I feel like that is not gong to well recently. I just feel so low. Almost everything I say is negative. I remember this one kid, an ex of someone I used to be friends with. He was so depressed, so negative. Eventually I stopped hanging out with him because i just couldn't take his negativity anymore. I didn't want to be around it.
So I guess I can't blame people for doing that to me.
I promise I will be more positive. I promise. This is  not good, and I will be better. Better and skinnier. I will. I'm sorry.... To everyone reading this.... I'm sorry I've been so negative. I promise to be more optimistic.

Dark thoughts creeping in

I am trying to stay positive, but even that is a challenge. I can feel the dark thoughts in my head, feel all of it. I feel physically sick because of it. I feel like a failure, because I have so much self hate inside of me, but even then I can't do anything about it. I am weak. I hate this. I wish I could just abstain from food forever, or find a sharp knife and cut it all off. I don't even want to write it out. I just want to stop hurting people, but not myself. I wish I could take the pain I inflict upon them and turn it towards me. All of it. I deserve it.

Winter -_-

Most of the time I like Winter.

When it isn't 2 degrees outside. I don't know the actual temperature, but that is what it feels like. I stood outside for 45 minutes, waiting for the bus to go to school. I was late, though not, since I don't have a first hour. But I was intending to use this hour to study for my Psych final, which I finish today. I think I did really well - and I hope it shows.

I feel so boring right now. Like all I can think about is myself, and I hate it. But I just don't feel like being around people. Or being social. I feel like that a lot actually.

I miss laughing with my friends, well one friend in particular. But since we are no longer friends, I can't do that. I need to make new friends. (;

If Ana and I can get along.

Though I did not take these pictures, this is what it looks like right now. Blah! It would be nice if it wasn't so freezing! xD

Oh well. I'm gonna defreeze, and try to enjoy it! ^_^

Optimismish!

That's right. If you understood that word at all, then good for you. But if you didn't, don't worry. It's my word.

I passed my History test yesterday... Didn't do as well as I could have, but definitely much better than all the other tests I've taken in that class. I got a 75% this time, compared to the way low scores I had gotten.

So I'm excited about that! Also, I know I will ace that final, I do believe I take it tomorrow. Right now I have a 72% overall in that class, but the final should bring that up. (:

I take my Psych final today, in about 30 minutes! And I've prepared so much - I know I will ace it! It feels good, because maybe then that will bring my grade up into the B range... which is where I want it to be. (:

I still have to work on my Spanish final, and my English final, but I am trying to not stress about it. English should be easy, the hard one is Spanish. But I can do it!

So in regards to my title of this post - I've been pretty pessimistic lately. And I'm tired of it. I want to smile and laugh, and be happy for once. So I am. I am going to try to be positive and keep my mood up for the rest of today. It's a Tuesday, and I know that the week is far from over. But I've got this. In Chem, I was having such a hard time understanding Stoichiometry, if any of you know what that is. I had 2 people try to explain it to me, but I still couldn't understand it.

Finally, last night, I just did. It just clicked, and though I still can't do it without my notes, I am so happy to say that I am finally getting it!

I have no idea what I weigh - and right now, I don't care to know. I'm in a good mood, and it just doesn't matter. I know that when I get home, I know the first thing I will do is weigh myself, but for right now, I'm just happy.

It feels so good.

I can't wait for the week to be over. I just want a break! Time to breathe, relax, stop stressing. I am also going to try to make plans with a friend. Any friend. If I have any left. Just to get away from being by myself, and I'm going to try to laugh and smile and have a good time. Instead of being so negative. Bleh.

It's a good day!

How is everyone else?

One more week.

FINALS.

So much to study, and I need to do well on these. I have a test today in History (though it isn't my final) and I'm super nervous. I hope I do well, I need the grade.

One more week till winter break! Then 2 weeks of no school, and then I go back for 1 1/2 weeks, then I get another 2 weeks of school! Woo! Can't wait! xD

It's just to get through this week. Don't know if I'll post much. I hate tests.

Hope everyone else is good Xx

Wish me luck!

Bracelet Project.

Has anyone heard of the bracelet project?

I found it and thought it was a good idea. So I'll post it here if anyone is interested. (:

** Each disorder has a color that corresponds to it.
Schizophrenia is Gold.
Bipolar/mood disorders are Silver.
Anorexia is Red.
Bulimia is Purple.
EDNOS is Pink.
Depression is Blue.
Self harm is Orange or Black.
Suicidal is Yellow.
Fasting is Green.
Overweight is Turquoise.
Anxiety/Panic Disorder is Teal.
Other is Brown.
Recovery is White.

You can make the strand the color of your main disorder, or you can just pick any color strand. If you are EDNOS but have more of either Anorexic or Bulimic tendencies, you can add more of that color bead.

If you see someone wearing one in public, you are supposed to make eye contact and point to your bracelet. If that person nods, then you know she is part of the Bracelet Project.

I don't think I will see anyone with a bracelet like the one I made, but I thought it was still a good idea. I made mine so it looks like a normal bracelet, but to me, it means something. It's an unspoken statement about what I'm going through.
Though mine is an anklet.
Here is mine:

Why do I wear purple?

I wear purple because I refuse to let my ED win. Right now, I may not have the will to fight Ana... But I refuse to live like this forever.

I am stronger.

I will recover. Someday.

I wear purple for my best friend who struggled with Ana as well, for the beautiful life she saw that she had. For her strength to get over it. For her support.

I wear purple for all the other ladies, and MEN, out there, struggling with an Eating Disorder. Not just Anorexia or Bulimia. But for BED, NES, and EDNOS as well. We all deserve to love our bodies, to stay strong, and to be happy. I believe that one day, we will.
It is a struggle, but one that we can beat.
It does not have to define us forever.

Crappy heart, I know. But it's my heart. (:

Pessemistic

That's what I am. I have realized this. But I don't know how else to feel. I can't fake happiness right now, I don't have the strength. I can't say that everything is okay, and try to find the bright side. I just can't. Not right now.

To be honest, I've been doing shitty.
I wake up in the morning and cry because I see myself in the mirror, or my reflection in a window, and I hate it. I try so hard to fast and restrict and run and do crunches, and leg lifts, and every exercise I can think of, but it never makes any difference.
I go to school and I can't bring myself to want to do anything but sit in a hoodie and hide. To put in my headphones and just hope that I can make it though another day. Just one day. I go home, and I have to fight the urge to run away. To get out. To do something, anything. I fall asleep crying, and when I wake up in the morning, I have to make myself get out of bed. Sometimes I can't. Sometime I just feel empty. Most of the time, I feel empty. And then I try to starve some more.

I've even tried the opposite, I've tried crash dieting, but it never works. I don't lose the weight. I can't see myself as "okay". I see myself as fat, gross, horrible, selfish, weak, needy, dependent, uncontrollable. It just makes me want to die.
I can't even tell you how many times I've said this. It has become like my script. "I'm fine." all the while inside all I hear is "Fat whore. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're a whale. That's what you are. Look at those thunder thighs, and that stomach. Ugh. You're a whale. The only reason you even have a boyfriend is because he lives far away, and he can't see how fat you've gotten. He can't see how weak you are. I bet he's happy you've stopped talking to him. I bet now he doesn't even have to worry about you. He doesn't need your sorry ass to worry about. Even your dad doesn't want you around. Fat ass."
Every. Single. Day.

I try to combat it, say things like "I love my eyes. Or my legs look good today. But the fact of the matter is - I don't believe it. It is all half hearted, bullshit. I don't believe any of it.
And why should I? The proof is in how much I weigh, how unhealthy I am. The proof is in the mirror. I can't hide there.

I used to be the kind of person that didn't let people in, that kept to herself, relied only on herself. But now I'm not. I miss it more than anything. But I guess I deserve nothing less.

My self harm has gotten worse lately too. I hasn't even stayed at cutting. It's punching things, kicking things (Since I have a broken toe), pushing myself past my limits, etc. I will admit. I've even burned before. I'm not hanging out with people, because all I can do is lie to them. And I don't have the heart for it anymore. I don't want to. So I don't really have friends.

I'm freaking out because I'm doing so bad in school, but it isn't on purpose. I just don't understand it. I try to get help, but I guess I just don't try hard enough.

This is my reality. Nobody here can judge. This is the only place I'm allowed to break down, admit all of this.

I hate being so negative. But there is only so long I can smile and pretend to be happy. I wish I could do something for real, and be happy. But I just can't seem to.

I don't know where to go from here, except down. But it can't even be considered down, because I fail with directions too. I don't want pity, which is why I tell nobody about this. Nobody. The therapist? She blames everything on my hormones, and she doesn't listen to things I say. Not really. So I'm lying about everything to her. The few friends I've made that have supported me through blogging? I can only tell them so much. I don't lie, but I hold things back, because I don't want my negativity to bring them down.

As bad as it sounds, I could deal with hurting, hating myself, etc. if only I could lose weight. But I can't even do that. So there's no point.

I don't know where to go from here.

But this is my reality.

Imagine

Imagine.

You're standing on the sidewalk, and its a sunny bright day. Actually warm, for this time of year, compared to how it had been the last few days. Yet your still freezing.
Slowly glancing around, you see dozens of other people. Some going home, some going to a friends, some going to who-knows-where.
The one thing you have in common? You want to leave just as much as them. But you can't make your feet move.
You look at the ground, wondering what you'll do. Go home? Or go to the library first to get some work done?
It turns out. Neither
Looking up, you catch the eyes of someone you once knew. It wasn't more than a year ago that she stopped talking to you. Granted, you weren't great friends, but still, thoughts of the conversations you had and the things she is going through race through your head.
You drop your gaze quickly, but you can't help glancing over at her every few seconds, just to see. Yep. No mistaking it. It's the same person. And she is glancing at you as well. You want to say hey, I mean, after all you used to be friends, right? But you can't. You will yourself to say something, to walk that 10 feet and say something. But you can't.
Finally, your ride honks at you, and you're startled. You didn't know that they were there. You don't care. You're lost in thoughts of how she is doing, and envy.

This girl - We were never too good of friends. I don't even remember much about how I met her. All I remember is that it was over Facebook. I had seen her around school, many times, but never talked. I noticed her among other people, but never said anything.
What was the harm in adding her on Facebook?
None.
Soon, we started chatting, and chatting became texting. A lot. I soon came to find out that she was into a lot of the same music as I was, that her favorite color was also yellow. I learned that she struggled with SH (as I had at the time) and that we shared a lot of the same opinions about bizarre subjects. She loved to read, and so did I. Thanks to her, I have fallen in love with V For Vendetta (a movie) and Girl, Interrupted (a book). We had the potential to be great friends. And that is something I have a hard time with.
We never did really become friends. Though we texted, we never really hung out, we never said anything to each other in school. I knew who she was, saw who her friends were, etc. I still wonder if she knew anything about me. If she knew there was a connection between the person she texted, and I. Then one day, my Sophomore year, she just stopped talking to me. I don't think it was anything personal, but still. I wasn't hurt, but I was curious. Then this year, I started talking to her, and seeing her in school. I found her blog, and reading her posts, well.... There's something about her that I connect with. I have the same opinions on a lot of things as her, but I can't find the words to express it. She does.

Standing there on the sidewalk, I couldn't help but wonder if she was okay, if she was doing well with her ED. Yes, she has one as well, though from what I've read on her blog, she is mostly recovered. She still relapses sometimes, but she stays strong. I wish I could say something to her, but I have no way of knowing if my attempts to reach out have ever been heard. Or if she even cares. Maybe I just won't know.
This is starting to sound like a love story..... Or to me it is anyways. So I'm just gonna end it there and call it good.

Why am I talking about this? I don't know.
Just some thoughts on my mind.
Letting you ever farther into my world, letting you see what makes me tick the way I do. (:

Being a bitch doesn't always work

I was horrible to this kid who wants to be friends with me. Let me explain a bit first though.

We met through a creative writing thing we were going to try to start up at my school. He is an amazing artist.

We quickly became friends and he wanted to hang out all the time, talk all the time, be around me all the time. He was so honest with me. And I him. For a while. I tried telling him that we couldn't be friends, because that would end in him getting hurt. he told me about his ex step-dad and how he treated him like shit. How he doesn't think after that I could do anything to hurt him. I didn't care. I just told him no, we can't be friends.

He found a way to hang out with me, completely disregarded everything I said. And then I pushed again, saying we couldn't be friends, that we weren't and that he should just go away. He still didn't take the hint. I've tried this a good share of times. It doesn't work.

I told him about how k was having some issues that I needed to deal with on my own right now, and that therefore I didn't want any friends. He got really nosy and tried to help. But I didn't want his help.

He didn't listen.

It's been like that for a while. And keep in mind, I've made him cry. I've hurt him enough to make him cry, and god damn. It makes me feel like utter shit. I hate it. But if he crys over something I said, and hates me, so be it.

Anyways, about 2 nights ago, he met Ana. My eating disorder. Or rather, he met the dark side of me. I was a total bitch to him, but he didn't listen - still. I'll post a bit of the conversation, just so you can understand.

I'm gonna call him A.

Me: If promises are meant to be broken, then you've given me even more of a reason not to trust you. Whatever. Just get over me, give up. Otherwise, you're just gonna hurt yourself.

A: Some promises are not all of them. I've kept secrets if that's what you are saying. I am not the piece of shit jerks who go tell their best friends. Sorry but that's the nicest thing I have to say for people like them. I've had that done to me, I will never go down that path. It's worse to see someone close to you do it to you and a friend. You really don't know me then if you say to give up because I'm gonna get myself hurt. I've been hurt, but never by you.

Me:Whatever. I guess you will do whatever you want. But you SHOULD give up. You SHOULD leave me  alone. You SHOULD just accept it. You and I are not friends. We will never be friends. It's as simple and as harsh as that.

A: Give me a reason. One damn reason, okay?

Me: I don't want friends. I'm fine on my own.

A: How am I going to get hurt?

Me: That doesn't even matter anymore. I'm tired of this argument. Just LISTEN TO ME.

A: Fine. I'll text you on Christmas day to say I've got your present. Then I'll be gone.

The next day he hung out with me like nothing had ever happened. I've told him to fuck off before. He doesn't listen. And he makes me feel guilty for telling him to go away. I don't know what to do. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be friends with him. I don't want to hang out with him. I just want to be on my own again.

I don't know how else to go about this.

Any ideas?

I'm bad at titles.

Monday night was... crazy.
I fasted all of yesterday, and then had a series of eating periods when I got home. First it was cookies. But I figured I'd burn them off, no big deal. Then it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Ugh. A very nice friend, Strala,  reminded me continuously through the night why I shouldn't eat. It was difficult, but I'm proud to say that I got through it. Now if I can only apply that to today.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to eat. I ended up eating about 3 meals (A first for me) and I managed to keep the anxiety at bay by telling myself that it was okay, because I was gonna fast today. (That rhymes xD)
I am thinking of doing this thing, where I eat whatever for a day, then fast for a day, then eat whatever, then fast.
Except I would increase the day of fasting every week. So the first week would be 1 day of fasting every other day, the 2nd week would be 2 days of fasting every other day, the thirds would be 3 weeks of fasting, and go until I get to 7, then work my way back down. Keeping my metabolism good, but losing weight.

A friend of mine also suggested the 2468 diet. I think that could be a good idea. It would certainly provide the same results - kinda. I'm worried about my metabolism. Since it is used to eating very little food, I kinda want to get it used to larger amounts so that when I fast, it goes smoother and I can lose more weight. I go to Hawaii in just under 40 days. I better get my ass in gear.

On another note, I can't sit in the library anymore. Or rather, the one place I actually wanted to be, I no longer can. I feel like I'm always around someone. If I come into the library to work, one of my friends is always there. They find me, then they sit by me, and they want to talk/hang out. Sounds horrible, right? No. But I can't ever get any work done.
And sometimes you just want to be alone, you know?

In color guard  since I already knew how to do the things they were teaching the other, new, kids, she taught me how to throw a trick. It's so much fun, and scary as hell, but it looks so cool!
I'm so excited! :D I usually hate practices, because we dance a lot, but when we do equipment, suddenly I like it! Practice was pretty good. It feel like it's taking up a lot of my time, and finals are next week, so I'm stressing a bit. I have like 4 essays to write. I hate writing essays, but what can I do?
At least I can try to make them fun!

Yay for updates! Today I hope goes well. I have a lot to do, and not enough time, but I'm going to just breathe. Fasting should help me with this, because the less time I spend eating, the more time I have to do everything else. (:

Stay strong

Demi Lovoto is one of my biggest inspirations. She is so strong, after battling both Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as depression, she still came out on top. She is amazing. I love her.
I hope that one day I can be like that for someone. Anyone. I want to inspire, encourage, and be strong.

Taking it one moment at a time.

My day started with skipping my first class. I have to take the bus to school, so I was already late. I could have gone to my second period (I have first period off). But instead, I found myself in the library. Sitting here.

Not that that is a bad thing.

I wonder what today will bring.
Last night, I had a bad night. I will be honest. Maybe it will help.
All of my suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hatred, come at night.
2 days ago, a friend had to talk me down from doing something, anything, stupid. Running away, suicide, something I couldn't undo. I never did anything, but I was so close. I was numb to caring about myself. I just wanted to die, to be okay. (Totally opposite, but whatever.)
Then last night, I had found a way to manage eating. I was kinda doing well.... And a friend volunteered to help me through meals if I needed the support. The problem with that, I couldn't text when I needed her most. It was at my niece's birthday party. I didn't want to eat the cake, but I was being told I was disrespectful. Long story short - I ate it. And when I tried to text my friend for support, my phone got taken. So I was kinda in a bad spot.

The anxiety didn't come till later, when I was making cookies. I ate some of the cookie dough, it's always been my favorite part of making cookies. But it set off LOADS of anxiety, and anger, and self hate thoughts. So I self harmed. A lot. Realizing, later, that there were better options, but at the time, all I saw was that. All I knew was that I needed to hurt, I deserved it, for eating that damn cake and cookie dough. Even this morning, I still feel the anger.
Usually other people aren't mad at me, or they get over it quickly. I never, if rarely, forgive myself, and I hold things against myself to the highest degree. I am myself's worst critic. I know this, and some how it makes me proud. The self harm scars/soon-to-be-scars make me proud. Because when this is all over, they will be a reminder that I have hit such a low point, and that I got back up. A reminder that I can't give up. That I am worth something. They are kinda like battle scars. For me. I hate when everyone else sees them. Or kinda.

The ones all down my thigh though, I wonder how I will explain those to Cimiron. (my bf). I love him so much, and I see how much it hurts him when I hurt myself, when he hears about my ED. He doesn't know much about Ana and I. All he knows is that I used to have Bulimia. Not anymore. When he left last summer, I promised him that I would try to stop the self harm. For myself, for him. That plan both worked and failed. It failed, for obvious reasons. It worked, because I've self harmed so much less. Hopefully it can soon be never. He makes me want to be better. To be stronger, to be healthy. At least until I remember all the reasons why I became sick in the first place. I can't pin everything on him though. I have to want to do this for myself. I have to want to be strong, to get better. And I still don't want to do that yet.

On another note, I met a very wonderful person. I can't even tell you how I met her, I don't even really know. Other than I saw her comment on a blog, and I decided to text her, to try to get support, and to support her. Simple as that. She's been amazing to me. It means a lot.
So I told her about the disaster last night, and we've agreed that we're both going on a fast today. I've heard that if you fast after you binge, you lose more weight. I hope this is true. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. If it is true, I may have found a solution (however unhealthy) to my problem. It won't be easy, life with Ana never is. But it is possible. That's all I need.

I've completely given up on ABC. In case anyone was interested. I followed it till about day 14, but then I lost track of where I was, got into a binging cycle, and a self harm cycle. Then I got out of that, and just kinda gave up. It was working for me, so I might give it a try later. But for now, I'm not following any plan other than a day to day one. Today is fasting. I can do this.

Who knows what the rest of today will bring? I am not going to worry about it. I am just going to take each moment as it comes, do what I feel like. I hope I can get somewhere with this.
I hope everyone has a great day, take care. Xx I love every one of my readers, and the support that I get from everyone. it has kept em going, because you are all so wonderful. (:

Looking Forward

I am being productive today. Or trying.
I'm going to throw myself into school, do my chores, enjoy my last day of the weekend, and try my hardest to not eat.
My body is used to living on 1 meal a day, so therefore, to lose weight, I have to eat less than that.

Not easy.
Life with Ana is never easy.
But it's worth it.

My dad finally booked tickets and a condo for Hawaii in January. I am excited to go.
But I'm terrified. It will all be shorts and tank tops and bikini's. I don't want to be fat. I hate the way my thighs jiggle when I walk. That's the worst. So if I can lose a little bit of weight, then I can feel that much better.

I have until January 22nd. That's when we leave. I have to work my hardest.
I can do this.
Ana can help me.

I'm going to try to stay goal oriented and not give into the negative thoughts. The ones that tell me I will always be fat. That I will always be that girl. I won't.

I've got a long to do list today, and hopefully I can do it. Finals are in 2 weeks. I'm terrified. Most of them are easy, the only hard ones will be World History, Spanish, and Chem. I am so bad at Chem. I just don't understand it. Maybe I can bullshit my way thorough it, to pass. (:

So far so good today. I'm feeling good. Hope I can keep it up.
Hope life for everyone out there reading this is well. If it isn't, well I'm always here to talk, if you want. Xx

Last straw

Just kill me now.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not worth it.
I can do it.
I'm fucking worthless...... Please.... just kill me now.

OCD much?

I've been learning about what OCD is. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I've met some people who have it. I don't think I do. Well maybe. I am nothing like them, or not as bad. But I have my own little things. If I draw a chart or something of the likes the lines have to be straight. Otherwise I will sit there for the longest time fixing them until they are just right. The same goes for if I'm reading something. I will get kinda obsessive and freak out if I can't read it till I'm done. Not outwardly freak out, but I get anxious inside. Every thought focuses on getting through whatever's going on so that I can just go read it. Books, blogs, poems, you name it.

I've learned that it's possible to have tendencies of the disorder, without actually having it. I also know that it's common for people with Anorexia to have OCD (Full blown or just tendencies). I guess I fit into Ana more than I thought I did. This makes me the slightest bit happy. Now, to just lose some more weight. I'm running out of time (not literally). I wish I knew some people here that were going through this. But sadly, I don't. In some ways, it would help, because I could possibly get competitive, but at the same time, to just be able to talk to someone would be so nice.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm so tired, and thanks to that, I'm heading to bed. (:
Night! Xx

Ramblings

I don't really want this post to be about food or eating or weight. That's not what's on my mind right now.

The problem?

I don't know what is on my mind right now. It feels like all of my thoughts are there, jumbled, and when I try to reach out to grab one, they are just out of reach. I feel like I know what they are about, but at the same time, they're a mystery to me.

Today was a good day, I started out feeling pretty shitty, but then I got to classes, enjoyed them, enjoyed myself, and was in a good mood. Then I ate dinner. It brought me down a lot, because I felt like shit, but hey, that happens. I'm not letting that get to me.

I'm tired of feeling this horrible emptiness or the anger. I want to be happy. I want to smile, laugh, talk, breathe, if only for a little while.

I need to find a way to do this. Something I haven't tried before. Anyone have any ideas?

What makes you guys laugh? Smile?

I feel like when I write here, it's the only place I can truly be me. But either way, there are some things I can't say. Mostly because I'm afraid of disappointing people. That's never been a fear of mine, but on here it is.. Maybe I should just say everything.

The love and support I've gotten from people on here means the world to me. I'm afraid that if I let everything out, people would tell me that what I'm doing is wrong and that I should do *Insert right thing here* instead. But since I can't listen to them, or follow that advice, I feel like I let them down. So I'm slowly learning the balance. Between things that I'm actually feeling, and things that will pass soon. Time.

I have no idea what tomorrow brings, other than Therapy. I'm lying through my teeth about almost everything. About what I'm eating, how much I exercise. Everything that could lead to her finding out about Ana - I lie.

I know that people are paying for this. They are paying a much lower price than standard therapists run, but nonetheless - they are paying. I'm committed for the next 8 weeks, we'll see what I can do.

I don't even know if this makes any sense - I'm so tired but i', not allowed to sleep yet. Woo. Hope everyone's doing well. Comments are always welcome! As well as suggestions. (:

The cycle continues

I slept for a decent 8 hours last night... but I'm soo tired this morning!!
I don't understand. I need to change my schedule because I have off periods every morning, (WHERE I COULD SLEEP IN) but I always have work to do, so I never have time. Bleh! Change is on the horizon here.

I'm not very talkative on here lately, because I don't have anything to say. Basically, I've been eating like nothings wrong for the past like weekish? Probably more. And thanks to that, I've gained all the weight back. I can't even stand to look at myself.
So, to try again, I'm going to give myself the month of December to lose at least 5 lbs. Not much to you guys, maybe. But I have to.
With going to Hawaii in January, I really don't want to look like this. I have good days and bad days, but really. I have to change something. And it's starting today. I had breakfast, to boost my metabolism. But that's it for the day. I refuse to eat anything else. For once, I agree with Ana.

Every time I try to read blogs or write, someone shows up, like a friend. They always want to know what I'm writing about and it's too hard to hide everything. I just want to be alone.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want a few hours by myself.. So I don't have to hide and lie and make conversation, when all I really want to do is sit with my thoughts, or write. By myself.
With nobody around.

There's a kid that I had been friends with, and I kept him at a distance, because I didn't want him to know about Ana and I. Or anything. He had enough problems of his own, and I didn't need to be one of them. We've had a lot of instances where I told him to leave me alone, or that we couldn't be friends, and it never stuck. We always became friends again. And I'll admit... I like having him around, but I didn't deserve it.
Yesterday, he noticed something I said about my problems, and tried to offer advice. I listened, and told him that everything was fine. He said that he only wanted to help because he cared about me, and I told him not to. It eventually escalated, and I told him to leave me alone, for good. He said fine. So we're not friends anymore.
This is what happens. Every time I find someone who has potential to be a good friend, I push them away, hurt them until they hate me.
It's all I ever do.
I feel like utter shit for hurting him, but it's for the best.
I know I probably did the wrong thing, but it was the only thing I could do. I didn't want him to find out about Ana, though I know he suspected. I didn't want to hurt him, though that's exactly what I did.
I guess I just have to deal with it now. I made the call, I made the lethal move...
So why do I feel so horrible about it?

Am I really that much of a masochist?

Flashbacks..

I was waiting at the bus stop on my way to go home about a half an hour ago... When cop cars and firetrucks and ambulances rushed to a house about 30 feet from the stop I was waiting at. At first I was like everyone else, just watching, wondering what was going on, as there was an abnormally large amount of cop cars there.

It was all fine until... Until I saw the kids being escorted out of the house. They couldn't have been older than 10... It brought back a lot of memories.

Memories from when I was the kid being escorted to the cop car, my dad arriving on the scene confused, my brother following close behind me. When I was taken away.

The glare of the lights, the shouting voices... it all came back.

I'm shaking now... barely able to type.

I can't make those memories stop rushing through my head...

December/People

It's finally December!! I'm so excited for this fact, because I love December, for some reason. I know it has nothing to do with the holidays... I don't particularly like Christmas. I don't hate it, but it isn't my favorite holiday either. It seems like everyone changes during the holidays, and that nothing is real. That's just my opinion. I think too much. I think.

I also don't like the extreme cold temperatures we go through here. But this winter I'm going to Hawaii!!!! :D :D So I'm actually excited!!! :D

I still don't know what I weigh. I've had plenty of times to check, but I just can't bring myself to do it. So I'm going to do it Tuesday. Tomorrow. I have to know. Today is a 500 day for the ABC, and I just can't bring myself to eat. So I guess today and tomorrow are gong to be fasting days. This is my way of getting back on track, because I've felt so out of control this last week. With everything. I need to reach my goal.

And seeing as it is a new month.... I'm going to make a goal. I want to reach 165 by the end of December. That's a lot, I know. But I need to. I'm not going to break that down into weight I have to lose weekly, because that will only freak me out. But that's my goal. Hard to do, almost impossible. But we'll see what December brings!!

On another note... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like the people I've come to depend on could just turn and run to watch me fall at any second. I don't like it. So I'm reclaiming my independence. I don't need anyone. Put simply, I'm turning my phone off for an indefinite amount of time. Maybe. We'll see how it goes. I may just avoid talking to certain people.

I'm not used to this. Not used to depending on people. And it makes me so nervous. I hate it. So I'm getting it back.

My head is just a jumble of thoughts recently. I've reached my first goal weight, finally. (: Now I just have to stay there. And hopefully I can. That's all I have to say right now.

Now it's off to class to smile and jump through hoops and pretend like I actually care. I got this. xD

Random Nonsense

Today was interesting.
I woke up late for guard practice, so I got there late. When we were dancing, I did a dorjite? However you spell it. But I landed wrong, and It's possible i may have broken my toe. Woo. It is SO swollen, and it's black and blue. Bleh. I need to run and do crunches, but I can't with an injured toe.
Part of me wishes it was broken, because then I'd have finally broken something, but at the same time, I hope I haven't because that would take away my ability to run.
I ate way too much today. I've been reckless the last few days. I need to get back on track. And I need to start being more conscious. Tomorrow's Sunday. The start of a new week. What better day to do it??
:D

It's December!!! :D
I don't know why, but I love December!!! It's so nice, but normally It's cold as hell here. Today it was actually warm and I loved it!! I hope it stays like this before getting really cold since then I'll be in Hawaii!!

I'm excited, and I felt the need to write. But I'm not sure how much sense this makes!!

Friday!

Last night while dancing at guard, I hurt my foot. I couldn't walk, and I was hoping my instructor wouldn't notice, as I wanted to keep dancing, to learn. But after I started crying, well, that went out the window. She told me to sit out the rest of the practice.
I wanted to be able to dance, but I didn't want to hurt my foot anymore than I already had. So I sat out. Bleh.

I feel so... bad. Like not in a bad mood, or anything. But like I shouldn't be around anyone. Because to those that are normal, I feel like my negativity is something they shouldn't have to experience, and to people on here that have recovered, I feel like i'm letting them down. They try to help, they give such great advice, but I feel like because of where i'm at right now, I don't deserve it. Or like i'm letting them down because I can't follow it. That's why i'm pulling away from everyone, because for one, they don't deserve to go through this, but two, I feel like i'm letting them down, and I can't stand that.
Some days I want to be normal, some days I know I need to try harder, and then I can lose the weight and get healthy, and some days I just want to die. I don't know what day i'm going to have, but I do know it's always one of those three. Am I the only one feeling this way? Why can't I just be okay?

I'm so encompassed in anger, I can't see anything else. I get mad at everyone for everything, but if you saw me, you'd never be able to tell. Unless you actually do something, then I might have some problems. I want to be alone, and I don't want anyone to worry about my life, but i've also grown so used to having people around, people to talk to, I can't do that. Now, to stop being negative!
______________________________________________________________________

I get to go driving today!! And she's going to help me learn things to get my permit, so that people can teach me how to drive without it being illegal! So i'm super excited for that!

My foot is feeling better. Kinda. At first we thought that it was just a cramp, but when it got worse, we thought maybe I had torn something. The pain is more tollerable now, and i'm glad. I have guard tomorrow too. Starting bright and early at 8 am. Grr.
I hate that guard is taking up so much of my time, I mean, we've never practiced this much before.

But it's a good day :D