I'm down another .8 lbs this morning, despite eating dinner last night. My current weight is 165.2 and I'm so happy. I don't know how I'm doing it, but I am. I'm fasting today, and I'm supposed to work from 3 - 10 tonight.
I'm so not looking forward to it, but I know I need to work.
I've been kind of okay, I guess. Since I became sick with the flu, I can't pinpoint one day from the next or really focus on anything that's happening. It's kind of like it's a dream and I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not. But I guess it is.
I don't really have much else to write. Like I said, I feel like I'm me but not really me. Not really paying attention to everything around me. Maybe I'm going crazy. *sigh* Oh well.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Why?
I took 2 laxies two days ago, and they didn't kick in. So I figured whatever and let it go. Well a full 24 hours after I took them, they finally took effect, and now they won't stop.
I've not even eaten barely any solid food in 2 days - I don't understand how they could still be taking effect, but they are. Or maybe unknowingly I've conditioned my system to treat everything as if laxies were mixed in. But that's not possible because if I don't take laxies, my digestive system doesn't work properly.
Whatever it is that I've done to myself, it's just another result of my ED. Just another side effect. Some of them scare the shit out of me, but not enough to make me stop. I will not stop. I can't.
I've not even eaten barely any solid food in 2 days - I don't understand how they could still be taking effect, but they are. Or maybe unknowingly I've conditioned my system to treat everything as if laxies were mixed in. But that's not possible because if I don't take laxies, my digestive system doesn't work properly.
Whatever it is that I've done to myself, it's just another result of my ED. Just another side effect. Some of them scare the shit out of me, but not enough to make me stop. I will not stop. I can't.
Work Tales
I tried to call in sick today to work considering how shitty I felt.
But they told me that they were very busy and low on workers and that they needed me as asked if I could make myself well enough to come in for a few hours. After getting nowhere, I finally said I'd try to come in.
I lasted 3 hours. Barely. I kept needing to lean on walls, counters. I kept needing to steady myself so I wouldn't pass out or throw up. I was dizzy and lightheaded but nobody noticed. Finally I told her I had to go, and she let me. I couldn't believe she made me work. I told her I had the flu, and I'm not even lying. I also looked at the schedule and I'm scheduled to work three 7 hour shifts for the next couple of days. Haha right.
Right now it's 11 pm and I can't sleep. Thanks to the fact that I can't eat any solid food (and haven't eaten for the last 2 days) I had to fill myself up with soda. But I drank too much too fast and now I feel full and sick. My mind keeps saying WATER. WATER. WATER. But my body is still so full I can't drink anything. I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I'm going to call in for sure. There is absolutely no way I'll feel better by then, honestly. I don't know if I've got the flu or something else, but it fucking sucks. I like that I have no appetite, but I don't like the dizzyness that threatens to pull me to the ground every time I stand up.
Some people tell me I get sick too often. I know I do, but I guess I'm just so used to it that I don't really mind anymore.
Anyways, that's my update. I really hope I can get out of working tomorrow. I'm gonna cross my fingers.
And maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight for the first time in three days. Woo!
But they told me that they were very busy and low on workers and that they needed me as asked if I could make myself well enough to come in for a few hours. After getting nowhere, I finally said I'd try to come in.
I lasted 3 hours. Barely. I kept needing to lean on walls, counters. I kept needing to steady myself so I wouldn't pass out or throw up. I was dizzy and lightheaded but nobody noticed. Finally I told her I had to go, and she let me. I couldn't believe she made me work. I told her I had the flu, and I'm not even lying. I also looked at the schedule and I'm scheduled to work three 7 hour shifts for the next couple of days. Haha right.
Right now it's 11 pm and I can't sleep. Thanks to the fact that I can't eat any solid food (and haven't eaten for the last 2 days) I had to fill myself up with soda. But I drank too much too fast and now I feel full and sick. My mind keeps saying WATER. WATER. WATER. But my body is still so full I can't drink anything. I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I'm going to call in for sure. There is absolutely no way I'll feel better by then, honestly. I don't know if I've got the flu or something else, but it fucking sucks. I like that I have no appetite, but I don't like the dizzyness that threatens to pull me to the ground every time I stand up.
Some people tell me I get sick too often. I know I do, but I guess I'm just so used to it that I don't really mind anymore.
Anyways, that's my update. I really hope I can get out of working tomorrow. I'm gonna cross my fingers.
And maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight for the first time in three days. Woo!
Weigh-In
I stood over my scale this morning, carefully undressing. Ignoring the lightheadedness that threatened to pull me to the ground.
I took a deep breath, and stepped on the scale. What I saw I couldn't believe. So I stepped on it again, and again I got the same number.
My goal for December was to weigh 168 lbs. Still fat, but not as fat as I was. My last recorded weight on December 19th was 171.8. So that means that in 7 days, I lost 5.8 lbs. That's an accomplishment in and of itself!
Todays weight was exactly 166.0. :D
I am so excited for myself, and I'm that much happier that I've got the flu.
I honestly can't believe it. But I'll take it! I fasted yesterday, and I'm fasting today too. My goal for January is 162. I've got 4 lbs to go! I can do this.
I took a deep breath, and stepped on the scale. What I saw I couldn't believe. So I stepped on it again, and again I got the same number.
My goal for December was to weigh 168 lbs. Still fat, but not as fat as I was. My last recorded weight on December 19th was 171.8. So that means that in 7 days, I lost 5.8 lbs. That's an accomplishment in and of itself!
Todays weight was exactly 166.0. :D
I am so excited for myself, and I'm that much happier that I've got the flu.
I honestly can't believe it. But I'll take it! I fasted yesterday, and I'm fasting today too. My goal for January is 162. I've got 4 lbs to go! I can do this.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Christmas Day/Eve
Merry Christmas!
Today has been interesting to say the least. Today and yesterday, actually.
Yesterday we had our first Christmas (some members of my family refuse to be around others) and there was a lot of food involved. I was doing good (1 bite of pineapple, 2 swallows of Orange juice, 1/2 a "morningstar" muffin) until I got home, where I ate a bit more food than I would have liked. So I promised myself that I was going to fast today, and I did!
I woke up at 3:30am this morning, unable to sleep. I couldn't get comfortable in my bed, I was too hot then too cold, and I don't think I *actually* slept. This morning when I actually got up for Christmas, I was going to take some ibuprofen for my body aches, but I knew I'd have to eat. That thought made me sick, and soon after I ran to the bathroom and puked up the diet dr. Pepper I was drinking. I'm glad there wasn't food in my stomach.
So I tried to celebrate with my family, as this was the first Christmas I've had with my dad in a while. He isn't big on holidays, and usually doesn't participate. But today he actually opened and appreciated gifts, and was slightly sociable. That was everything I could have asked for.
This year, the idea of Christmas and gift giving made me uncomfortable. I'm okay with giving gifts, but I didn't want to recieve any because I feel like now this holiday is so commercialized and sort of selfish. But I still accepted gifts anyways, and tried to be a part of my family.
Then we had a second family celebration, where the majority of my family was. Other than being sick I had a good time. The smell of food kept making my stomach turn, but after we opened all the presents we played games and laughed and talked. It was a good time.
Essentially my intake today has consisted of Diet Dr. Pepper (which I threw up) and 1 can of Mtn. Dew (which I also threw up). So I'm at 170 cals. I feel really good about that. Despite being sick, I like that I have an excuse to avoid eating.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and finally see where I stand. My goal is 168 and my last recorded weight is on December 19. I weighed in at 171.8. I was supposed to be weighing myself every day and recording the weight but I've been slacking a little. There are 6 days left in December, and it would be really fucking sweet if I could make my goal. We'll see in the morning, I guess.
I'm also scheduled to work tomorrow through Sunday. But I'm going to at least call in tomorrow since I'm sick. Have I mentioned how much I DON'T like my job? The people there don't like me either, and I'm trying to find another job so I can quit this one. So far, I haven't had any luck.
I get paid on Friday, and I know where pretty much all of that money is going. But hopefully it goes well.
I wish I could sleep right now, as it's 10pm. But sleep evades me, and I can't take ibuprofen because I don't want to eat.
It should be a fun night. So anyways, Merry Christmas. (:
Today has been interesting to say the least. Today and yesterday, actually.
Yesterday we had our first Christmas (some members of my family refuse to be around others) and there was a lot of food involved. I was doing good (1 bite of pineapple, 2 swallows of Orange juice, 1/2 a "morningstar" muffin) until I got home, where I ate a bit more food than I would have liked. So I promised myself that I was going to fast today, and I did!
I woke up at 3:30am this morning, unable to sleep. I couldn't get comfortable in my bed, I was too hot then too cold, and I don't think I *actually* slept. This morning when I actually got up for Christmas, I was going to take some ibuprofen for my body aches, but I knew I'd have to eat. That thought made me sick, and soon after I ran to the bathroom and puked up the diet dr. Pepper I was drinking. I'm glad there wasn't food in my stomach.
So I tried to celebrate with my family, as this was the first Christmas I've had with my dad in a while. He isn't big on holidays, and usually doesn't participate. But today he actually opened and appreciated gifts, and was slightly sociable. That was everything I could have asked for.
This year, the idea of Christmas and gift giving made me uncomfortable. I'm okay with giving gifts, but I didn't want to recieve any because I feel like now this holiday is so commercialized and sort of selfish. But I still accepted gifts anyways, and tried to be a part of my family.
Then we had a second family celebration, where the majority of my family was. Other than being sick I had a good time. The smell of food kept making my stomach turn, but after we opened all the presents we played games and laughed and talked. It was a good time.
Essentially my intake today has consisted of Diet Dr. Pepper (which I threw up) and 1 can of Mtn. Dew (which I also threw up). So I'm at 170 cals. I feel really good about that. Despite being sick, I like that I have an excuse to avoid eating.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and finally see where I stand. My goal is 168 and my last recorded weight is on December 19. I weighed in at 171.8. I was supposed to be weighing myself every day and recording the weight but I've been slacking a little. There are 6 days left in December, and it would be really fucking sweet if I could make my goal. We'll see in the morning, I guess.
I'm also scheduled to work tomorrow through Sunday. But I'm going to at least call in tomorrow since I'm sick. Have I mentioned how much I DON'T like my job? The people there don't like me either, and I'm trying to find another job so I can quit this one. So far, I haven't had any luck.
I get paid on Friday, and I know where pretty much all of that money is going. But hopefully it goes well.
I wish I could sleep right now, as it's 10pm. But sleep evades me, and I can't take ibuprofen because I don't want to eat.
It should be a fun night. So anyways, Merry Christmas. (:
Monday, December 23, 2013
DONE
I hate life. I hate this constant battle in my head, I hate fighting all the time. I hate feeling so shitty that I take a blade to my arm. I hate the lies. I hate school. I hate work. I hate needing people that can never be there for me. I hate expecting things from other people. I hate my humanly desires, I hate everything.
I'm done.
I'm done.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Loopy Life
My days are passing by and they blend together into nothingness. I can't tell one from the other, but I guess that's okay.
It's almost 2am here, and I haven't slept in the last 28 hours. Let me just tell you, it's a fantastic feeling. Not.
Insomnia is a bitch, and usually weed helps. At least a little. But recently it's like nothing can knock me out.
It's almost 2am here, and I haven't slept in the last 28 hours. Let me just tell you, it's a fantastic feeling. Not.
Insomnia is a bitch, and usually weed helps. At least a little. But recently it's like nothing can knock me out.
Friday, December 20, 2013
I just got off of work.
I barely made it home before I burst into tears, and even now I'm still so upset. I'm having what can only be described as a meltdown, and I could really use someone to talk to, but of course!
EVERY SINGLE PERSON I COULD POSSIBLY BE TALKING TO THAT COULD HELP IS "BUSY" RIGHT NOW AND WON'T TEXT ME BACK!!!
This is all that ever fucking happens. Nobody is EVER around when I need them like this.
So fuck you. Fuck everyone. I'm shaking with rage and I really want to hit someone right now. Fuck me.
I barely made it home before I burst into tears, and even now I'm still so upset. I'm having what can only be described as a meltdown, and I could really use someone to talk to, but of course!
EVERY SINGLE PERSON I COULD POSSIBLY BE TALKING TO THAT COULD HELP IS "BUSY" RIGHT NOW AND WON'T TEXT ME BACK!!!
This is all that ever fucking happens. Nobody is EVER around when I need them like this.
So fuck you. Fuck everyone. I'm shaking with rage and I really want to hit someone right now. Fuck me.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
I'm on day 1 of fasting and I have been high all day.
Well, I actually had around 400 liquid calories, but I burned somewhere around 400 - 500 from walking.
Right now I'm really hungry. Nobody else is home and it is like the perfect time to eat. I feel good about my intake and net cals today, and I don't want to fuck it up. I weighed in at 171.8 today and I feel like I could be somewhere around 170 tomorrow. My goal for December is 168. But I've had that goal for 2 months now and I'm starting to doubt I'll get there.
But mayby this time, with Christmas coming up, I can actually starve properly and get there.
On December 8th I was at 169.4 and I was so close until I fucked it up. I will not do that again.
Last night, my dad caught me smoking weed. Right before that, my roommate caught me smoking weed. Because I was stupid. She saved my ass, but I have to prove I'm not. (even though I am)
Just another lie.
It's so sad how that's all I've become.
So now I've got to go out of my way to get high before I get home and to keep from smelling like it.
I've got to keep fooling everyone for three more months. That seems like such a long time. Actually, two and a half more months. But still.
I don't know where my friends and my boyfriend fit in with my life. I'm not really there anymore.
Anyways.. I had 1 of my 2 finals today and I honestly think I did pretty well. Math has never been my strong point, but the math I'm currently in seems to be going alright.
Tomorrow I have my English final. I missed a huge assignment in class and it dropped my grade down to about a D. I remember when English used to be my best subject. So now I need to do well on THAT final so that I can raise my grade. I'm disappointed with myself about school as much as it is, if I get a D in English I don't know exactly what I'll do.
So that's my little rant-ish update for the day. I'm now gonna crawl under my warm blankets and try to sleep and forget about food.
Well, I actually had around 400 liquid calories, but I burned somewhere around 400 - 500 from walking.
Right now I'm really hungry. Nobody else is home and it is like the perfect time to eat. I feel good about my intake and net cals today, and I don't want to fuck it up. I weighed in at 171.8 today and I feel like I could be somewhere around 170 tomorrow. My goal for December is 168. But I've had that goal for 2 months now and I'm starting to doubt I'll get there.
But mayby this time, with Christmas coming up, I can actually starve properly and get there.
On December 8th I was at 169.4 and I was so close until I fucked it up. I will not do that again.
Last night, my dad caught me smoking weed. Right before that, my roommate caught me smoking weed. Because I was stupid. She saved my ass, but I have to prove I'm not. (even though I am)
Just another lie.
It's so sad how that's all I've become.
So now I've got to go out of my way to get high before I get home and to keep from smelling like it.
I've got to keep fooling everyone for three more months. That seems like such a long time. Actually, two and a half more months. But still.
I don't know where my friends and my boyfriend fit in with my life. I'm not really there anymore.
Anyways.. I had 1 of my 2 finals today and I honestly think I did pretty well. Math has never been my strong point, but the math I'm currently in seems to be going alright.
Tomorrow I have my English final. I missed a huge assignment in class and it dropped my grade down to about a D. I remember when English used to be my best subject. So now I need to do well on THAT final so that I can raise my grade. I'm disappointed with myself about school as much as it is, if I get a D in English I don't know exactly what I'll do.
So that's my little rant-ish update for the day. I'm now gonna crawl under my warm blankets and try to sleep and forget about food.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Self Loathing
I don't know how I can stand to live in my life. In my head.
I'm a failure at everything I do. All I do is cut, complain, sleep, and get fat. I'm a worthless human being and I don't deserve to live.
I want to cut so deep, I want to use my knife, I want to get lost. I don't want to live here, anywhere. I don't want to exist. But I should, as a punishment to myself.
I deserve to die in hell. I hate myself so much. I wish there was somebody I could tell, but I know I'm on my own. Waste of Space I am.
I'm probably gonna fail finals tomorrow too. I didn't study, I never put any effort into my work because I'm pathetic.
Even my boyfriend has given up and left me. I deserve nothing and no one. I wish I could throw myself under a bus, or get hit by a car. I wish I could jump off a cliff, or anything. I wish I could give my pathetic life up so someone else who is better could take my place.
I hate everything about myself. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this, because nothing ever changes.
I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Fuck it, I don't even deserve the hole.
I'm a failure at everything I do. All I do is cut, complain, sleep, and get fat. I'm a worthless human being and I don't deserve to live.
I want to cut so deep, I want to use my knife, I want to get lost. I don't want to live here, anywhere. I don't want to exist. But I should, as a punishment to myself.
I deserve to die in hell. I hate myself so much. I wish there was somebody I could tell, but I know I'm on my own. Waste of Space I am.
I'm probably gonna fail finals tomorrow too. I didn't study, I never put any effort into my work because I'm pathetic.
Even my boyfriend has given up and left me. I deserve nothing and no one. I wish I could throw myself under a bus, or get hit by a car. I wish I could jump off a cliff, or anything. I wish I could give my pathetic life up so someone else who is better could take my place.
I hate everything about myself. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this, because nothing ever changes.
I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Fuck it, I don't even deserve the hole.
Mirror Memory Part 2
Everybody is so wrapped up in their self that they don't see what's going on around them.
I try at least to focus more on others than I do myself. Last night I talked a friend out of suicide (at least a little). I have no accurate way to measure if I actually helped, but from the way the conversation went I hope I did.
I tune into my dad's relationship with my roommate. I know they're having issues because of her daughter and there's nothing I can do, but I still catch things that they might not see.
I try to help those around me in any way I can, but.. No. I need to stop. Right here, right now.
I'm not going down that road again.
I need to stop thinking. Especially today. I have finals on Thursday and Friday. I should be studying. But I'm not.
I think about the finals and the fact that I haven't done as well this semester as I could have. Then I start thinking about my past years of high school and I think about how I've failed myself. I think about how I've fallen away from the student I used to be/the daughter I used to be/the granddaughter I used to be/ the friend I used to be. I think and I think because onethoughtleadstoanother and it just grows into destruction. I tear myself down with thoughts like those, and they push me to punch walls, throw things, cut, scream, burn, hit and hate.
That's all I know, that's all I am. And so I guess that's all I shall be, too.
I try at least to focus more on others than I do myself. Last night I talked a friend out of suicide (at least a little). I have no accurate way to measure if I actually helped, but from the way the conversation went I hope I did.
I tune into my dad's relationship with my roommate. I know they're having issues because of her daughter and there's nothing I can do, but I still catch things that they might not see.
I try to help those around me in any way I can, but.. No. I need to stop. Right here, right now.
I'm not going down that road again.
I need to stop thinking. Especially today. I have finals on Thursday and Friday. I should be studying. But I'm not.
I think about the finals and the fact that I haven't done as well this semester as I could have. Then I start thinking about my past years of high school and I think about how I've failed myself. I think about how I've fallen away from the student I used to be/the daughter I used to be/the granddaughter I used to be/ the friend I used to be. I think and I think because onethoughtleadstoanother and it just grows into destruction. I tear myself down with thoughts like those, and they push me to punch walls, throw things, cut, scream, burn, hit and hate.
That's all I know, that's all I am. And so I guess that's all I shall be, too.
Mirror Memory
I write. Anything and anywhere. That's just.. Me.
For the longest time I wrote messages to myself on my mirrors, desk tops, white boards, sticky notes. The ones on my mirrors are generally negative, hateful, and they're directed at myself.
Why? At least then I can get the thoughts out of my head and see them physically.
The other day my dad walked into my room to talk to me and he caught sight of my mirror. He made comments, but it doesn't cease to amaze me how stupid he is.
Written down my full-length mirror:
"Why does anyone stick around you? You have NOTHING worth sticking around for."
"You're a failure at everything you do and you're never going to make anything of your life."
"Everyone's life would be better without you in it. You're nothing but a waste of space."
"You're so good at pretending to be, but you never are.."
"You're needy and dependent and every time you open your mouth you hurt those around you."
and "What is the point anymore?"
They've been there for a few weeks now, and it's probably time to change them. But my dad saw them and he asked me what they were.
"Nothing."
"Really? Because it looks like a cry for help. Poor, poor J".
"Whatever. It's not. They've been there forever now."
"Really."
"Yeah."
Then he gave me a funny look and walked away.
It is NOT a cry for help. That phrase "A cry for help" pisses me off. It makes the person in question sound stupid, weak, attention seeking, and pathetic.
It makes me feel worse than if he'd never said anything at all.
It's funny that he should see that and not see my whiteboard. Or the back of my door, or my other mirrors, or any of it. That he doesn't see what's going on.
But! The fact that he DOESN'T see what is going on just goes to show that I'm either really good at hiding it or he's ignorant. But I've made feeble efforts to hide it, especially since nobody seems to care in the first place.
For the longest time I wrote messages to myself on my mirrors, desk tops, white boards, sticky notes. The ones on my mirrors are generally negative, hateful, and they're directed at myself.
Why? At least then I can get the thoughts out of my head and see them physically.
The other day my dad walked into my room to talk to me and he caught sight of my mirror. He made comments, but it doesn't cease to amaze me how stupid he is.
Written down my full-length mirror:
"Why does anyone stick around you? You have NOTHING worth sticking around for."
"You're a failure at everything you do and you're never going to make anything of your life."
"Everyone's life would be better without you in it. You're nothing but a waste of space."
"You're so good at pretending to be, but you never are.."
"You're needy and dependent and every time you open your mouth you hurt those around you."
and "What is the point anymore?"
They've been there for a few weeks now, and it's probably time to change them. But my dad saw them and he asked me what they were.
"Nothing."
"Really? Because it looks like a cry for help. Poor, poor J".
"Whatever. It's not. They've been there forever now."
"Really."
"Yeah."
Then he gave me a funny look and walked away.
It is NOT a cry for help. That phrase "A cry for help" pisses me off. It makes the person in question sound stupid, weak, attention seeking, and pathetic.
It makes me feel worse than if he'd never said anything at all.
It's funny that he should see that and not see my whiteboard. Or the back of my door, or my other mirrors, or any of it. That he doesn't see what's going on.
But! The fact that he DOESN'T see what is going on just goes to show that I'm either really good at hiding it or he's ignorant. But I've made feeble efforts to hide it, especially since nobody seems to care in the first place.
3am Ramble
Insomnia really sucks. Yesterday I fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 4. Today I fell asleep around 10 and couldn't stay asleep. I've finally given up on the notion of sleep and it's 3:30 am.
I had a good day yesterday, I think. I'm unsure how to feel about the whole situation, but it wasn't.. Bad. (:
Since I have basically no classes tomorrow I'm going to deem tomorrow my cleansing day. I also got "grounded" for three days, which is bullshit. It was for a really stupid reason, too. But whatever. It's not like I do anything or have a life anyways.
I had today off of work, and I have tomorrow and Thursday off of work as well. But I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My automatic thoughts when it comes to working is that I hate my job. But I just have to remind myself that I'm at least making money. In roughly 2 weeks I'll be getting my first paycheck and maybe then I'll feel differently about my job. It isn't all that bad, aside from one of the managers. In all honesty, I dislike her because she lied to me and I am a little bit intimidated by her. The other manager I like though.
Anyways, now I'm just rambling. See what happens when I can't sleep but I'm super tired?
I think 3:45 am is a good time to paint my nails, clean my room, and cuddle under my warm blankets. Yeah? So that I shall do. (:
I had a good day yesterday, I think. I'm unsure how to feel about the whole situation, but it wasn't.. Bad. (:
Since I have basically no classes tomorrow I'm going to deem tomorrow my cleansing day. I also got "grounded" for three days, which is bullshit. It was for a really stupid reason, too. But whatever. It's not like I do anything or have a life anyways.
I had today off of work, and I have tomorrow and Thursday off of work as well. But I work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My automatic thoughts when it comes to working is that I hate my job. But I just have to remind myself that I'm at least making money. In roughly 2 weeks I'll be getting my first paycheck and maybe then I'll feel differently about my job. It isn't all that bad, aside from one of the managers. In all honesty, I dislike her because she lied to me and I am a little bit intimidated by her. The other manager I like though.
Anyways, now I'm just rambling. See what happens when I can't sleep but I'm super tired?
I think 3:45 am is a good time to paint my nails, clean my room, and cuddle under my warm blankets. Yeah? So that I shall do. (:
Monday, December 16, 2013
Two To Five Six
As soon as I got home, I knew that it was gonna happen.
I knew that I had no way of stopping myself, but I also didn't figure how bad it would be. I can't bring myself to even think the number, much less write it down.
I'm starting a 6 day fast tomorrow. As few cals as possible, liquids only. I'm also going to be taking tons of laxies to clear my system off all this disgusting food and hopefully I'll lose some weight. This binge is going to be a metabolism spike, or at least I'll treat it as such.
I am so disappointed in myself. But! It's finals week and therefore the more I starve the better.
I'm in danger in one of my classes, and we have a party tomorrow. So much tempting food.. But no. I will not eat. I am ready to be in control again.
Fuck the world.
I can and will push myself to do this. I refuse to be a failure forever.
Now it's time to "study" before I hop in the shower and finally rest. Today's damage is done, and I need a good night's rest. Especially with my electric blanket. (; It's the best gift ever and I'm so happy that it's mine. ^-^
I knew that I had no way of stopping myself, but I also didn't figure how bad it would be. I can't bring myself to even think the number, much less write it down.
I'm starting a 6 day fast tomorrow. As few cals as possible, liquids only. I'm also going to be taking tons of laxies to clear my system off all this disgusting food and hopefully I'll lose some weight. This binge is going to be a metabolism spike, or at least I'll treat it as such.
I am so disappointed in myself. But! It's finals week and therefore the more I starve the better.
I'm in danger in one of my classes, and we have a party tomorrow. So much tempting food.. But no. I will not eat. I am ready to be in control again.
Fuck the world.
I can and will push myself to do this. I refuse to be a failure forever.
Now it's time to "study" before I hop in the shower and finally rest. Today's damage is done, and I need a good night's rest. Especially with my electric blanket. (; It's the best gift ever and I'm so happy that it's mine. ^-^
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Work... SUCKS.
Friday I worked my first 4 hour shift. It went great and I really didn't mind it. Today was supposed to be my second 4 hour shift.
Today was my second day of working... And I hate it. I was supposed to work 4 - 8, but at 8 as I was getting ready to leave I was told that I had to stay till 11. I didn't think much of it (though I was bombing orders and getting things wrong and whatnot). So I did. At 11, I was told that as a minor I a) wasn't allowed to stay past 10 by law and that I could lose my job and also that according to the schedule I was only supposed to work until 8. So for 6 hours I had no breaks until the last half hour (10:30 - 11) and even then I was cleaning.
I hate that I'm stupid and naive and therefore people can jerk me around. I hate that I kept fucking everything up. I really *didn't* mind working there, but after tonight I'm going to find another job asap and quit this one as soon as I can.
As soon as I left I couldn't hold in my frustrated tears and by the time I got home to my room I couldn't hold it back. Crying felt good, though it hurt.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm angry, I'm so sad and upset that I just want to cry, I'm tired and want to sleep, and I want to get high so I can just calm down.
I hate working, and I hate when people treat me like shit. But where else can I get a job? I barely got this one, and I've only worked two days.
So I guess some thinking is in order to figure this out - because I refuse to be treated like shit.
Today was my second day of working... And I hate it. I was supposed to work 4 - 8, but at 8 as I was getting ready to leave I was told that I had to stay till 11. I didn't think much of it (though I was bombing orders and getting things wrong and whatnot). So I did. At 11, I was told that as a minor I a) wasn't allowed to stay past 10 by law and that I could lose my job and also that according to the schedule I was only supposed to work until 8. So for 6 hours I had no breaks until the last half hour (10:30 - 11) and even then I was cleaning.
I hate that I'm stupid and naive and therefore people can jerk me around. I hate that I kept fucking everything up. I really *didn't* mind working there, but after tonight I'm going to find another job asap and quit this one as soon as I can.
As soon as I left I couldn't hold in my frustrated tears and by the time I got home to my room I couldn't hold it back. Crying felt good, though it hurt.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm angry, I'm so sad and upset that I just want to cry, I'm tired and want to sleep, and I want to get high so I can just calm down.
I hate working, and I hate when people treat me like shit. But where else can I get a job? I barely got this one, and I've only worked two days.
So I guess some thinking is in order to figure this out - because I refuse to be treated like shit.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I Will Be
More and more things crash and burn around me.
Without even a conscious thought, I am pushing myself farther and farther away from my dreams.
Where did I go?
I sit emotionless while I see and hear the destruction around me.
But feel, I do not.
I am a ghost parading as a girl. An empty shell of a person who used to be.
Where did I go?
I don't know if she is to return. I don't know if there is a way to make a light shine in the darkness or even if I am ready for that yet. I am far from rock bottom though, and when I get there, I guess maybe I will find the me I used to be.
Without even a conscious thought, I am pushing myself farther and farther away from my dreams.
Where did I go?
I sit emotionless while I see and hear the destruction around me.
But feel, I do not.
I am a ghost parading as a girl. An empty shell of a person who used to be.
Where did I go?
I don't know if she is to return. I don't know if there is a way to make a light shine in the darkness or even if I am ready for that yet. I am far from rock bottom though, and when I get there, I guess maybe I will find the me I used to be.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Stop.
I have no idea how much sense this will make. But here goes.
I went to orientation on Tuesday for my job. Well, I guess I didn't have the right papers so they sent me home and I had to come back on Thursday (today). Which I did. But my manager (the one who hired me) didn't tell me that I couldn't work Monday through Thursday, because apparently I am not allowed to do that since I'm a student. I was scheduled to work today and for the next two days. But that got all fucked up and I just couldn't work today.
Also, as it turns out, the manager to my store is conveniently on vacation for the next few days, so I can't even talk to her and figure all of this out.
I am supposed to graduate in May, and we were apparently supposed to have already paid for it. But I got no notification about it or heard anything about that either, so now I'm behind on that. The people I keep talking to are just directing me to see other people, and those people direct me elsewhere, and I don't get any answers. It's so frustrating when you don't get the answers that you need.
Also, when people meet me, they have a certain respect like you'd have between two people. They look at me like I'm an actual person. When they find out my age, and that I'm not "legally" an adult for 2 more months, they instantly lose a certain degree of respect for me. It pisses me off because I hate being judged on my age. That is nothing but a number, and it doesn't define anything about me. When people disrespect me for something as trivial as that, I tend to want to disrespect them later too because it just isn't fair. But whatever, I don't really have a point to that.
I was so mad earlier. I was bitching at everyone around me, and I could barley control myself. I tried to get away from people, but nobody wanted to leave me alone. Finally I called a few friends trying to get out of my house, and only one of my friends responded. I'm so grateful for her. I was out of control, and I was heading to a really dark place. That's the thing.. Nobody can understand. Nobody cares to understand. They just pretend to, or they just shut me down.
I write negative things on my mirrors sometimes, by way of expression. I don't know what exactly I get from doing it, but I can't stop. So my dad came into my room and he was talking to me, and he saw my mirror. He stopped to read it, and then asked me what was up in a sarcastic way. I tried brushing it off, and saying it was fine, and the only response he gave me was "It's just one big cry for help. It seems you want attention."
WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
He doesn't know anything, and I don't know why I let his comments get to me. But they do, and no matter how hard I try to block them out, they burn into my mind and skin in a way no other words could.
Almost everyone has been shut out of my life, without me even realizing it. People I used to talk to on a daily basis, I just don't speak to anymore. They don't speak to me, and I can't let myself remember that they used to once have a place in my life, and some of them even had a place in my heart. I just can't go there, because if I do, there will just be a lot of pain waiting that I don't have the strength to deal with.
What is inside my head, and the way I feel, none of these words can even do it any justice. So why do I write?
Why do I choose this outlet?
Maybe I should just stop.
I went to orientation on Tuesday for my job. Well, I guess I didn't have the right papers so they sent me home and I had to come back on Thursday (today). Which I did. But my manager (the one who hired me) didn't tell me that I couldn't work Monday through Thursday, because apparently I am not allowed to do that since I'm a student. I was scheduled to work today and for the next two days. But that got all fucked up and I just couldn't work today.
Also, as it turns out, the manager to my store is conveniently on vacation for the next few days, so I can't even talk to her and figure all of this out.
I am supposed to graduate in May, and we were apparently supposed to have already paid for it. But I got no notification about it or heard anything about that either, so now I'm behind on that. The people I keep talking to are just directing me to see other people, and those people direct me elsewhere, and I don't get any answers. It's so frustrating when you don't get the answers that you need.
Also, when people meet me, they have a certain respect like you'd have between two people. They look at me like I'm an actual person. When they find out my age, and that I'm not "legally" an adult for 2 more months, they instantly lose a certain degree of respect for me. It pisses me off because I hate being judged on my age. That is nothing but a number, and it doesn't define anything about me. When people disrespect me for something as trivial as that, I tend to want to disrespect them later too because it just isn't fair. But whatever, I don't really have a point to that.
I was so mad earlier. I was bitching at everyone around me, and I could barley control myself. I tried to get away from people, but nobody wanted to leave me alone. Finally I called a few friends trying to get out of my house, and only one of my friends responded. I'm so grateful for her. I was out of control, and I was heading to a really dark place. That's the thing.. Nobody can understand. Nobody cares to understand. They just pretend to, or they just shut me down.
I write negative things on my mirrors sometimes, by way of expression. I don't know what exactly I get from doing it, but I can't stop. So my dad came into my room and he was talking to me, and he saw my mirror. He stopped to read it, and then asked me what was up in a sarcastic way. I tried brushing it off, and saying it was fine, and the only response he gave me was "It's just one big cry for help. It seems you want attention."
WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
He doesn't know anything, and I don't know why I let his comments get to me. But they do, and no matter how hard I try to block them out, they burn into my mind and skin in a way no other words could.
Almost everyone has been shut out of my life, without me even realizing it. People I used to talk to on a daily basis, I just don't speak to anymore. They don't speak to me, and I can't let myself remember that they used to once have a place in my life, and some of them even had a place in my heart. I just can't go there, because if I do, there will just be a lot of pain waiting that I don't have the strength to deal with.
What is inside my head, and the way I feel, none of these words can even do it any justice. So why do I write?
Why do I choose this outlet?
Maybe I should just stop.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Emotional Rollercoaster
I don't even know what set me off.
Today has been a relatively normal day. I woke up, managed to get ready in time, went to school and sat through as much as I could before finally coming home for break. Here soon I have to go back to school for about an hour before going to my orientation for my job.
I have homework, finals to study for, things to do. But that is all normal, and all things I can cope withfor the most part.
So why am I feeling the way I am?
I'm angry for no apparent reason. I don't even know what my anger is directed at, but it's there and it's strong. I have tried to keep it back, at least until I am out of the range of people. But every now and then a biting comment comes out of my mouth and I can't even say I feel bad for it.
I feel like giving up, like I have made efforts to change things and nothing is changing. But what have I really put in effort to change? Nothing. I said I would start fighting, for change if nothing else. But I don't even know how to do that.
I think thoughts and they just get to me in a way words said from another person never could.
I want to punch a wall, I want to cut, I want to cry, I want to scream.
I want to fight with someone.
I think I like fighting with people. I mean, I know on one level I need it because that's what I'm used to, and that's what I know how to deal with. But I also think that I like it. Why would you like such a thing, you ask?
Well. I guess I like the fact that what I put out in terms of anger is returned, like someone is fighting back. I think I need someone to fight back because it's no fun when you fight on your own.
I don't know.
I feel abandoned. Many eating disordered "friends" of mine have gone into recovery or faded away. Where they went, I don't know. But it is my fault as much as it is theirs. Those of them that have gone into recovery, I am so very happy for them. I really wouldn't wish this sickness on anyone who doesn't already have it, and I wouldn't wish those who have it to have to suffer longer than they should. Misery loves company, though. I just hate feeling like this. I make myself feel this way, but at the same time I don't even know how to stop it if I wanted to.
Maybe I don't want the pain to stop, because I am afraid of what I would live like, or how I'd be without it.
I don't know, there are far too many "maybes" that exist in my realm right now.
But I don't know how to get rid of them.
Food-wise, I've had about 400 cals today, though I've only eaten an omlette with some apple cider. Most of that was protein though, so I hope that I can use that as an advantage and not eat for the rest of the day. I need to burn about 300 of that off though, because it disgusts me that I can just so easily put food into my body. So easily put food in, but harder to take out.
Whatever. I don't even know where to go from here, but I guess I will just put on a smile, put my headphones in, and try to survive the rest of the day. All the while hoping I don't humiliate myself at my job orientation. I so need this job, and I'm excited to be working, but I don't want to fuck it up as I most always do. So away I shall go, and hope that writing all of this bullshit out will improve my mood in the slightest.
Today has been a relatively normal day. I woke up, managed to get ready in time, went to school and sat through as much as I could before finally coming home for break. Here soon I have to go back to school for about an hour before going to my orientation for my job.
I have homework, finals to study for, things to do. But that is all normal, and all things I can cope with
So why am I feeling the way I am?
I'm angry for no apparent reason. I don't even know what my anger is directed at, but it's there and it's strong. I have tried to keep it back, at least until I am out of the range of people. But every now and then a biting comment comes out of my mouth and I can't even say I feel bad for it.
I feel like giving up, like I have made efforts to change things and nothing is changing. But what have I really put in effort to change? Nothing. I said I would start fighting, for change if nothing else. But I don't even know how to do that.
I think thoughts and they just get to me in a way words said from another person never could.
I want to punch a wall, I want to cut, I want to cry, I want to scream.
I want to fight with someone.
I think I like fighting with people. I mean, I know on one level I need it because that's what I'm used to, and that's what I know how to deal with. But I also think that I like it. Why would you like such a thing, you ask?
Well. I guess I like the fact that what I put out in terms of anger is returned, like someone is fighting back. I think I need someone to fight back because it's no fun when you fight on your own.
I don't know.
I feel abandoned. Many eating disordered "friends" of mine have gone into recovery or faded away. Where they went, I don't know. But it is my fault as much as it is theirs. Those of them that have gone into recovery, I am so very happy for them. I really wouldn't wish this sickness on anyone who doesn't already have it, and I wouldn't wish those who have it to have to suffer longer than they should. Misery loves company, though. I just hate feeling like this. I make myself feel this way, but at the same time I don't even know how to stop it if I wanted to.
Maybe I don't want the pain to stop, because I am afraid of what I would live like, or how I'd be without it.
I don't know, there are far too many "maybes" that exist in my realm right now.
But I don't know how to get rid of them.
Food-wise, I've had about 400 cals today, though I've only eaten an omlette with some apple cider. Most of that was protein though, so I hope that I can use that as an advantage and not eat for the rest of the day. I need to burn about 300 of that off though, because it disgusts me that I can just so easily put food into my body. So easily put food in, but harder to take out.
Whatever. I don't even know where to go from here, but I guess I will just put on a smile, put my headphones in, and try to survive the rest of the day. All the while hoping I don't humiliate myself at my job orientation. I so need this job, and I'm excited to be working, but I don't want to fuck it up as I most always do. So away I shall go, and hope that writing all of this bullshit out will improve my mood in the slightest.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Fight
Today has been one big yo-yo.
I've eaten, then burned it off. Then eaten more, and burned all of it off. Then eaten more and burned some of it off. I keep going from zero cals to many, then burning it all off and repeating. But I think I can actually say that I'm done with food for the night, and my net for the day is 79 cals. I weighed in at 169.4 this morning, and I hope it's even less tomorrow.
Nighttime is usually the hardest for me. The fact that I know the darkness lurks in the corner doesn't help. The depression, hatred, and helplessness just slams into me with a force that takes my breath away. Expecting it doesn't even help, because there's no way to anticipate that kind of thing. Since getting the job, I have gotten long sleeve shirts. Which is both good and bad. Good because it hides my scars and the current cuts. But bad because it enables me to make more. Now that I know I have a way to hide it, I don't have a reason to stop. I can't even pretend that I want to stop. I don't. Why I don't want to stop, I don't know. But I just know that I don't.
There are 2 more weeks left in school. 2 more weeks of hell, but I guess I will have to face them. When I actually take a moment to think about that, it's so strange.
When I wrote my last post here, the one titled "Paint A Picture On The Wall" I hadn't intended to ever write here again. I had intended for that to be my last post, but somehow it isn't.
Actually I know how. Thanks to friend of mine yesterday. He pointed out some things that poked holes in what I thought was unbreakable logic. But I guess it isn't.
I'm not sure where I stand now, because part of me is still yearning for death, but the other part... Maybe it wants to fight for life.
"Y'know, 99.9% of suicidal people would change their mind in an instant. If someone were to come up to them and stab them and they knew that they were going to die, they would change their mind immediately and hope to live. The other .1% would actually let them do it, because they really want to die". Whcih category do I fit into?
I actually don't know.
I think.. If I were to be completely honest with myself... I think that I don't want to die. I want things to change and I want to stop the pain, but not necessarily to die. I may not be able to change everything right now, but I know that I have the power to change anything I want to change. My weight, my looks, my way of thinking.
Whatever it may be, I have the poewr to change it. No, maybe not right this second, but that also doesn't mean I can't ever change it.
"If you know you're going to die tomorrow, then do everything you've ever wanted to do, today."
I don't know where I stand with myself.. But I know that changing takes time. I can't just wake up tomorrow morning and expect everything to be different. But small steps to change are worth it.
None of this means that my suicidal thoughts have gone away. But it's simply served to make me re-think, even if it's something small. I need to find a way, and I need to find a way to be happy with myself.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
The only thing stopping me is myself.
So tomorrow, I am going to wake up, and make the best of the day that I can. I'm going to figure out what I CAN change, and I'm going to take one step closer to making myself into the person that I want to be. To at least making myself into someone I can stand to exist as. I'm going to live my life for all the people who wanted to live but didn't have the chance. I can't promise that this plan will work, and I can't promise that things will change. But I can promise that as long as I'm trying, nothing can knock me down.
I've eaten, then burned it off. Then eaten more, and burned all of it off. Then eaten more and burned some of it off. I keep going from zero cals to many, then burning it all off and repeating. But I think I can actually say that I'm done with food for the night, and my net for the day is 79 cals. I weighed in at 169.4 this morning, and I hope it's even less tomorrow.
Nighttime is usually the hardest for me. The fact that I know the darkness lurks in the corner doesn't help. The depression, hatred, and helplessness just slams into me with a force that takes my breath away. Expecting it doesn't even help, because there's no way to anticipate that kind of thing. Since getting the job, I have gotten long sleeve shirts. Which is both good and bad. Good because it hides my scars and the current cuts. But bad because it enables me to make more. Now that I know I have a way to hide it, I don't have a reason to stop. I can't even pretend that I want to stop. I don't. Why I don't want to stop, I don't know. But I just know that I don't.
There are 2 more weeks left in school. 2 more weeks of hell, but I guess I will have to face them. When I actually take a moment to think about that, it's so strange.
When I wrote my last post here, the one titled "Paint A Picture On The Wall" I hadn't intended to ever write here again. I had intended for that to be my last post, but somehow it isn't.
Actually I know how. Thanks to friend of mine yesterday. He pointed out some things that poked holes in what I thought was unbreakable logic. But I guess it isn't.
I'm not sure where I stand now, because part of me is still yearning for death, but the other part... Maybe it wants to fight for life.
"Y'know, 99.9% of suicidal people would change their mind in an instant. If someone were to come up to them and stab them and they knew that they were going to die, they would change their mind immediately and hope to live. The other .1% would actually let them do it, because they really want to die". Whcih category do I fit into?
I actually don't know.
I think.. If I were to be completely honest with myself... I think that I don't want to die. I want things to change and I want to stop the pain, but not necessarily to die. I may not be able to change everything right now, but I know that I have the power to change anything I want to change. My weight, my looks, my way of thinking.
Whatever it may be, I have the poewr to change it. No, maybe not right this second, but that also doesn't mean I can't ever change it.
"If you know you're going to die tomorrow, then do everything you've ever wanted to do, today."
I don't know where I stand with myself.. But I know that changing takes time. I can't just wake up tomorrow morning and expect everything to be different. But small steps to change are worth it.
None of this means that my suicidal thoughts have gone away. But it's simply served to make me re-think, even if it's something small. I need to find a way, and I need to find a way to be happy with myself.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
The only thing stopping me is myself.
So tomorrow, I am going to wake up, and make the best of the day that I can. I'm going to figure out what I CAN change, and I'm going to take one step closer to making myself into the person that I want to be. To at least making myself into someone I can stand to exist as. I'm going to live my life for all the people who wanted to live but didn't have the chance. I can't promise that this plan will work, and I can't promise that things will change. But I can promise that as long as I'm trying, nothing can knock me down.
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