Fight

Today has been one big yo-yo.
I've eaten, then burned it off. Then eaten more, and burned all of it off. Then eaten more and burned some of it off. I keep going from zero cals to many, then burning it all off and repeating. But I think I can actually say that I'm done with food for the night, and my net for the day is 79 cals. I weighed in at 169.4 this morning, and I hope it's even less tomorrow.

Nighttime is usually the hardest for me. The fact that I know the darkness lurks in the corner doesn't help. The depression, hatred, and helplessness just slams into me with a force that takes my breath away. Expecting it doesn't even help, because there's no way to anticipate that kind of thing. Since getting the job, I have gotten long sleeve shirts. Which is both good and bad. Good because it hides my scars and the current cuts. But bad because it enables me to make more. Now that I know I have a way to hide it, I don't have a reason to stop. I can't even pretend that I want to stop. I don't. Why I don't want to stop, I don't know. But I just know that I don't.
There are 2 more weeks left in school. 2 more weeks of hell, but I guess I will have to face them. When I actually take a moment to think about that, it's so strange.
When I wrote my last post here, the one titled "Paint A Picture On The Wall" I hadn't intended to ever write here again. I had intended for that to be my last post, but somehow it isn't.
Actually I know how. Thanks to friend of mine yesterday. He pointed out some things that poked holes in what I thought was unbreakable logic. But I guess it isn't.
I'm not sure where I stand now, because part of me is still yearning for death, but the other part... Maybe it wants to fight for life.
"Y'know, 99.9% of suicidal people would change their mind in an instant. If someone were to come up to them and stab them and they knew that they were going to die, they would change their mind immediately and hope to live. The other .1% would actually let them do it, because they really want to die". Whcih category do I fit into?
I actually don't know.
I think.. If I were to be completely honest with myself... I think that I don't want to die. I want things to change and I want to stop the pain, but not necessarily to die. I may not be able to change everything right now, but I know that I have the power to change anything I want to change. My weight, my looks, my way of thinking.
Whatever it may be, I have the poewr to change it. No, maybe not right this second, but that also doesn't mean I can't ever change it.
"If you know you're going to die tomorrow, then do everything you've ever wanted to do, today."

I don't know where I stand with myself.. But I know that changing takes time. I can't just wake up tomorrow morning and expect everything to be different. But small steps to change are worth it.
None of this means that my suicidal thoughts have gone away. But it's simply served to make me re-think, even if it's something small.  I need to find a way, and I need to find a way to be happy with myself.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
The only thing stopping me is myself.
So tomorrow, I am going to wake up, and make the best of the day that I can. I'm going to figure out what I CAN change, and I'm going to take one step closer to making myself into the person that I want to be. To at least making myself into someone I can stand to exist as. I'm going to live my life for all the people who wanted to live but didn't have the chance. I can't promise that this plan will work, and I can't promise that things will change. But I can promise that as long as I'm trying, nothing can knock me down.