Merry Christmas!
Today has been interesting to say the least. Today and yesterday, actually.
Yesterday we had our first Christmas (some members of my family refuse to be around others) and there was a lot of food involved. I was doing good (1 bite of pineapple, 2 swallows of Orange juice, 1/2 a "morningstar" muffin) until I got home, where I ate a bit more food than I would have liked. So I promised myself that I was going to fast today, and I did!
I woke up at 3:30am this morning, unable to sleep. I couldn't get comfortable in my bed, I was too hot then too cold, and I don't think I *actually* slept. This morning when I actually got up for Christmas, I was going to take some ibuprofen for my body aches, but I knew I'd have to eat. That thought made me sick, and soon after I ran to the bathroom and puked up the diet dr. Pepper I was drinking. I'm glad there wasn't food in my stomach.
So I tried to celebrate with my family, as this was the first Christmas I've had with my dad in a while. He isn't big on holidays, and usually doesn't participate. But today he actually opened and appreciated gifts, and was slightly sociable. That was everything I could have asked for.
This year, the idea of Christmas and gift giving made me uncomfortable. I'm okay with giving gifts, but I didn't want to recieve any because I feel like now this holiday is so commercialized and sort of selfish. But I still accepted gifts anyways, and tried to be a part of my family.
Then we had a second family celebration, where the majority of my family was. Other than being sick I had a good time. The smell of food kept making my stomach turn, but after we opened all the presents we played games and laughed and talked. It was a good time.
Essentially my intake today has consisted of Diet Dr. Pepper (which I threw up) and 1 can of Mtn. Dew (which I also threw up). So I'm at 170 cals. I feel really good about that. Despite being sick, I like that I have an excuse to avoid eating.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and finally see where I stand. My goal is 168 and my last recorded weight is on December 19. I weighed in at 171.8. I was supposed to be weighing myself every day and recording the weight but I've been slacking a little. There are 6 days left in December, and it would be really fucking sweet if I could make my goal. We'll see in the morning, I guess.
I'm also scheduled to work tomorrow through Sunday. But I'm going to at least call in tomorrow since I'm sick. Have I mentioned how much I DON'T like my job? The people there don't like me either, and I'm trying to find another job so I can quit this one. So far, I haven't had any luck.
I get paid on Friday, and I know where pretty much all of that money is going. But hopefully it goes well.
I wish I could sleep right now, as it's 10pm. But sleep evades me, and I can't take ibuprofen because I don't want to eat.
It should be a fun night. So anyways, Merry Christmas. (:
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
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