Today was a pretty good day, It's a Friday, what can I say?! I don't really have any plans for the weekend, but I will find time to read, to enjoy my life, to relax.
I don't really have anything to talk about here, but I wanted to say something, as I had a lot of weird thoughts today.
I'm having a rough go right now, as I keep gaining weight and I want to lose it. I have found it increasingly harder to love myself, or to not judge. It's so difficult, and I feel like I'm losing the will to want to be healthy. I haven't much felt up to running, but I think I will tonight. I haven't felt much up to eating healthily, and I haven't eaten as much as I should because school has been getting in the way. Then yesterday, I couldn't focus in school, I was caught up in my head and my thoughts. Because I was thinking about going on a Fast. I know that's probably not the best idea, but something in me just thought it felt.... right? To not eat. Something about not eating was appealing to me, and I want to. I don't have any particular reason I guess, I just want to. I am going to think about it for a little, but I might start the Fast Sunday just to see how long I can go. Why not?
Last night, I tried to talk to my dad, and he pretty much blew me off... again. I don't know why I keep trying to fix things, because It obviously isn't going to happen. He is still upset, and so am I. I am pissed off beyond belief for him never taking part in my life. For never wanting to be my dad. For always putting me down, for ruining everything I work towards. I know it's not all him, it's me too, but I'm only 16. I can't know it all. Two years ago, when I was cutting to feel that I was still here, still alive, to cope with my feelings, he never knew about it. But eventually he found out. And the only thing he told me was "Don't do it again or I'm putting you on 24 hour suicide watch". That's it. He didn't ask if I was okay, if I needed help. Nothing. I told my grandma about this finally. Finally. And all she pretty much had to say, was that I didn't get help because I didn't want help, and that there were plenty of my family members around to help me, if I wanted it. but she didn't understand that I couldn't talk to them even if I had wanted to. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want to let them in. But that's apparently my fault.
Anyways, yeah. I know that some of the things she said are right, and that's hurting me. But I also hurt for everything my dad hasn't done in my life, for never being the father I needed. And I'm starting to expect that he will never be the father I need. So I just want out.
Anyways, I'm just ranting here. Haha. Sorry! But honestly, I can't wait till I move out, but for now, I'm excited to go on a fast! (: I don't know how long it will work, but it's worth a try! This weekend is gonna be amazing! :D
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
I jsut have to say that fasting really wont elp anything... it will just slow down your metabvolism, which will lead to when you do eat, it will all store on your body... because your body has gone into starvation mode...
ReplyDeleteThe only way you will lose weight is by eating healthy, and exercising regularly...
and you have to dirnk loads of water and eat something small every 2-3 hours to keep the metabolism up...
stick to like fruit, salad, protein... things like that.
If you want i can email you, with maybe some tips or something? Ive been meaning to email you about some exercise advice.. ill get around to doing that? :)
I hope you have a good weekend :)
Now that its weekend, try to focus on yourself, and what you want.... and that is to lose weight? TO get to a healthy weight.
Maybe write a list of positive things, good things...and what has to be done.
And now that you have more time, take a half hour or so to go running, or something active.. you will feel much better :)
Hope you havea good weekend, whatever you do :)
Part of my wanting to fast is just because I guess i'm tired of not seeing results. I mean, I should see SOMETHING??? And instead of losing weight, i'm gaining weight! I'm running as much as I can, because of my Asthma. I guess I could wait on the fasting for now, and try things your way. But if it doesn't work, I don't know what i'm gonna do. I feel like i'm sliding backwards and back into a few old habits, but I don't know how to care. I don't have the ambition to try to get better anymore. It's like a switch flicked off inside of me.
DeleteI will definitely go for a run today, I went to a festival yesterday, might go again tonight. It should be fun! (:
What are your weekend plans??