Uhh... How to explain what has happened?
I had done really well today, I had a bagel this morning for breakfast, and a cookie for a snack later in the day. I have Colorguard tonight, so that would have put me in the negative calories... Which means WEIGHTLOSS!!!!
But then I got home, and my family made me eat something for "dinner" since I'll get home late tonight. I had a burrito... Not too bad. (130)
But then I figured as it couldn't really get much worse, I could just eat something else. Bad mistake. It quickly turned into a binge.
I ended up with a total of 1183 calories. Holy shit. Every bite that it took me to eat all of that.... I just want to scream and puke. Or punch a wall and puke. Or exercise and puke. Anything.
I am breaking down, I'm such a mess right now. I can't stay like this... I can't taste the regret in my mouth... My stomach literally feels sick right now. Like... "I want to reject all of the food" sick.... I wish I could purge... but my grandma is sitting in the room next to the bathroom.. she'd hear. Hell, she's even in the bathroom now.
Ugh.
I can't even write the thoughts that are going through my head right now. I just can't. They're too horrible. They need to be kept inside. I hate this. I feel out of control, like it happens wayy to often. I just want to die.
I know that I have guard tonight, so I'll burn some of the calories off... but nowhere near how good I was doing. I hate this. I can't wait till Saturday.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
C'mon, what are texting buddies for? Binges are preventable, you just gotta message me =)
ReplyDeleteI'm still new to the whole "texting buddies" thing. Sorry. I will text you next time to help me prevent the binge. You're really so kind. (:
DeleteThank you.