There is a girl joining our team though. Her name won't be put on this blog. She's a Freshman, and easily the skinniest, smallest person I see. At first I thought that she might have an ED, but no. At least I don't think. I think she is just that skinny. Just that little.
I found myself watching her, envious for the first time in a while. It was what I wanted to be, not where I'm trying to go, because I'd look so disgusting at such a low weight, but just something I'd envied. It was very triggering, and I know that she is going to be on my team for the entire season.
I don't exactly think that is a bad thing... but to everyone else.. it might be.
She's in a way... My real life thinspiration. So shallow. I know. But this is who I've become.
I talk to my counselor tomorrow, at the school. Maybe. She hasn't said anything about it to me since I came into her office last week, since she recommended a counselor to my grandma. If she wants to talk, we can talk, but she won't like my answers.
I am trying to hold on until Saturday. Just one day at a time. Tomorrow, the week will already be half over. And I will have achieved 0 of my goals.
Taken steps backward.
Let things get out of control, while knowing the consequences.
Thoughts in my head are spiraling in a very dangerous direction lately. I can't be alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, or there is no telling what will happen.
I hope I can get some of my self control and determination back. SOON. I can do this. I will do this. I am not giving up yet, even though it feels like I want to so very much.
I'm off to bed. I'm so tired it's not even funny. Or it is, because everything is funny when I'm tired. But I've still gotta drink water. So off to drink some water, and then go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day, I do after all, only have a half-ish day. And that means I'm 1 day closer to my week long break!! :D And that much closer to going to Hawaii. :D I'm so excited!!!!
Can you tell?
Anyways. Off topic. And rambling. Again.
Good night ^_^
Sorry I never got around to texting you back. I was napping and by the time I woke up, I wasn't sure if you'd be awake.
ReplyDeleteI was pretty worried about you when I read the last post, but I'm really glad you had a good practice and you're feeling little better.
It's alright! How many hours later is it in Washington? I don't remember from when I went there last. But feel free to text me whenever, if I am awake, i'll reply.
DeleteWhy were you worried about me after reading this post?
Camille, You are beautiful just the way you are. There is no reason for you to envy another girl who might seem smaller than you. I understand you want to loose weight but remember that being healthy is better than being skinny. And self control is important, i have loads of issues with that, but using self control in the right way is as important. Look at how you are going through with this. For example Eating a cookie for lunch is not self control my darling. Self control is when you want to do the wrong thing but instead you choose to do the right thing. If you eat keep rejecting food the whole day, there will come a point where you just can't take it anymore and eat more than you need to. And when I say need to. I don't mean a bite of bread. I mean a good healthy meal. Tell me what you think. I want to understand you and help you in any way I can.
ReplyDeleteI don't seem to have any self control. I get so mad that I can't seem to get it, but I only have it some times.
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