I am usually never a morning person.
Or.. it depends.
If I get up in the morning and just start getting ready, I am lazy and quiet the rest of the day. I don't want to do anything, I just have that kind of attitude.
But if I get up and take a shower or do something like that, I feel refreshed and energized. I feel happy. It's interesting.
Today is one of those "no shower" days. I took one last night as I didn't want to get up this morning. But somehow, I feel unbelievably calm. Maybe I'm still riding an inside high from the weight loss, but I'm scared to hope. I'm scared to be happy about it because then I know that somehow I will screw it up, and I will gain all of it right back. It's weird.
A few days ago a friend of mine (S, for this post, because I'm tired of saying "a friend of mine") and I were talking. I was telling her about this kid that I keep pushing away because I feel like I'm going to hurt him, so I feel guilty. I mean, he's so nice and kind and sweet, and I don't want to ruin that. So we basically just stopped being friends. Anyways, I was talking to S about it, and I told her how even though I was being a complete and total bitch to him, he still wanted to get me a Christmas present. He straight up told me that he wants to buy me an Ipod, since mine got lost/stolen and music is my life. I of course freaked out a bit and told him no, but he didn't listen. S told me that I should let him do it, because he wants to, and also because it would make me happy.
She said that I seem to be denying myself a lot of things, simply because they make me happy. I know this is true, but I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. But I know that is wrong, and that I do deserve to be happy. That's been on my mind for a while. I know that happiness isn't a destination, but I feel like I have to do certain things to get there. I hope any of that makes sense?
I've recently followed a lot of new blogs (14) so I'm trying to catch up on them. Reading a few of their posts though, has brought me to wonder... Why do people read my blog? At first I thought it was because I was interesting, then I thought because I had an ED and was trying to recover, "recover" being the key word. Now though, I feel like I've just fallen downward, and hit the bottom. But still, people keep following me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that they are following me ^_^ (sounds really stalker like) but I can't help wondering why? If anyone is following me and is reading this and would like to tell me why, I wouldn't mind (: But you don't have to.
So that's my day, basically. Not doing much, feeling relaxed, and driving after school. (: And of course, reading blogs!! :D I think I'm addicted.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
I started following you because I love the way you write. And you and I have a lot in common. I'm glad that you are following new blogs. That's awesome. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Thanks! (: I didn't think I had a "style" to writing, but i'm glad that you like it! You should email me sometime at hugdapuppies@gmail.com and we can chat! I'd love to get to know you! (:
DeleteYou do deserve happiness darling. I wish I could take away all your pain and suffering and make you infinitely happy.
ReplyDeleteAnd I follow you because I love you.
I relate to pretty much everything you say, and because you're interesting and talented and kind and a really wonderful person.
Why do you follow me? How did you first find my blog to email me? I've always wondered but I forget to ask, haha.
Love you, take care and good luck tomorrow.
I feel the same way towards you. Funny how we can feel that way, but neither one of us can do anything about our pain. I do believe that it will get better. Somehow.
DeleteThank you for the compliments, they really made me smile. Which is something that I needed.
I follow you because you said something that really made an impact on me. It's way too long to comment here, but i'll email you about it. I also follow you because of your strength. You always find some way to hope for the positive. Maybe it's just how I percieve your words, but that's what it seems like to me. I don't entirely remember how I discovered your blog, I think it was through just randomly clicking the "next" button on the top of the page. I wish I could have found it in a more significant way, but hey, it is what it is. So now you know. Though i'm not 100% sure on that one...
Thanks for the well wishes about tomorrow! ^_^ Love you too. Take care. Xx