Fake It Until You Make It

I've been having arguments with Cimiron lately. We've never fought up until now. I started it, and only I can end it.
Exactly 24 hours ago, I cut for the first time in about 2 weeks. I had been fighting it for Cimiron, but I couldn't fight anymore. He refused to give me a hug then. We fought because I am preventing us from being together. He thinks it's his fault, I feel trapped. I have so much guilt over everything I tell him, even the small things. I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know how to stop it.
I understand that he wants to help. But I don't know how to let him. After he saw the cuts, he told me that he was going to start denying me little things. This time it was hugging me, the next would be cuddling, etc. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I love him so much, but I feel like I'm gonna lose him. I told him that if he started taking things like that away from me, there would eventually be no "us" left. I also honestly told him that if he wanted to go, I would let him. I wouldn't like it, and I don't want him to go, but I told him I would accept it. In which case, he repeatedly told me that he didn't want to leave, that he loved me, and that he wasn't going anywhere.
I feel like things are so complicated with him. Like I don't know how to simplify them. I want to bottle everything up and just pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it, right? But that's bullshit too, because I tried that. It only made me feel worse.

S's daughter and I are staying here for a week, while S is out helping my dad. S's daughter is fifteen, but she is dating someone who looked to be about nineteen. I told my dad that I was not going to babysit her daughter while she was gone. But still, I am stuck babysitting. Anyways, she had her boyfriend over and my grandparents stopped by. They freaked out and made her call her mom and my dad to tell them that he was here. My dad called me and now he is acting like it's my fault that she brought her boyfriend over. Like I should have been watching her closely and like I had the power to make him leave. Now my dad has restricted me to not allowing anyone over at my house. I'm not supposed to go anywhere, but Cimiron and I only have 8 days left to be together, and he is doing family things until Tuesday. So I'm running short on time to see him, but I'm trying not to think about it.
That's all I am anymore. Trying not to think about things. Don't think don't think don't think. If I ignore it then it will eventually go away.
I wish. I wish that could be true. I wish I could just erase myself. I wish I could just hide away. I wish I had never left a mark on this earth, or in anyone's lives. I wish I never existed. Honestly.