I don't deserve food. I don't deserve life.
I've been thinking a lot (even before I got kicked out) and I'm not normal. My ED isn't 'normal'. Anorexia is about malnutrition. Well that's at least part of it.
My ED is a form of control and of self punishment. Sometimes I punish myself by starving, but I often also punish myself by eating food. I don't *want* to eat food, so therefore I punish myself by making myself eat food. Which only fuels my self hatred and my desire to die.
I'm not normal. But I don't fit into anything (good *or* bad) either. I'm not Anorexic, because I'm too fat. I'm not a good student, because I fail classes.
It feels to me like I have no identity. Which is almost worse for me. I feel outside of everything but nowhere all at once.
Just a random thought I had.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
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