Rant and What Else?

I feel like everyone is always getting on me about either
1. Getting a job.
2. Getting into college
3. Going to Amsterdam and managing school
4. Chores that I need to do.
No matter what, I always hear all 4 of those things at least twice a day. But not even just as reminders anymore. My dad talks to me like I can't possibly be smart enough to remember any of that for more than a day. Like I can't possible be smart enough to do it on my own. He talks to me like I have no potential to do anything in life, like I'm worthless. My grandparents constantly remind me like I can't remember that I need to do those things. Like they're expecting me to fail.
I spent the day at a friends' and his mom dropped me off at my grandparent's because she didn't feel like driving all the way over to my dad's. Well my grandparents weren't home and they didn't get home until like 9:45pm. Which is too late for them to drive me over to my dad's. I was in the kitchen, and my grandpa asked me if I had done my chores at home. But he said it in a condescending way. So I freaked out. I started getting upset, and yelling, and trying to get away from him. Then my grandma started in.

I feel like when it comes to my grandparents, or my dad, or my roommates, I have such a hatred for the way they treat me deep inside. I am always angry, and I can never just talk to them. It always turns into arguments, or someone getting angry. Don't get me wrong, I love them. I love my grandpa the most, I think. I don't know why. Whenever I think about how old he is and the fact that he won't always be around, and that some day I will lose him, I start crying uncontrollably. I cannot imagine my life without him. He's the closest person to me, in my family. He is more of a father to me than my dad. I feel so bad when I yell at him or get angry. When I start arguments. Afterwards, I can never say sorry, even if I am sorry for starting the argument. I don't know why, but I can't say sorry.
Whenever I tell him that I love him, he always tells me that I only love him because he drives me everywhere and because he does things for me. Normally I would think he's joking... But a lot of the time I wonder if he's serious. If he really thinks that... I couldn't live with myself if he thought that. He means so much more to me than that. I just don't know how to show it. Even now, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I don't know how I can show him that I really do love him. I don't know how to show him what he means to me. I realize that I could very well lose him tomorrow, and that if he doesn't know how much he means to me, he never will. But I just don't know how to show him.

There is so much pain inside me. Times like these, I remember why I turn to Anorexia and to cutting. To drugs. Because this pain is too hard to feel. It's too much to feel, and it's pulling me down. I feel pain for the pain I cause other people, for the burden that I am to everyone. For being needy. For being angry. For not being perfect. I have a fear that I could lose them tomorrow and that they would never truly know what they mean to me. I want to explain what he means to me... but I just don't know how. I feel like I can't just go up to him and give him a hug. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being really over emotional..