Motivation

I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition earlier today. This woman was 24, and she was adopted. It had caused here a lot of emotional pain through out the years. Her highest weight was over 400lbs, she said, but her goal was to be 155. She lost 80 lbs in the first 90 days, and then lost more and more. She even had her goal weight tattooed on her body, because she said she was going to reach it. I thought this was incredibly inspiring, because after only 3 months of training, and going from being sedentary to running, she ran a 28.2 mile marathon. It was really inspiring for me to see what she could accomplish. To see how she worked for it, and how determined she was. There was more to it, but I am probably not making much sense right now. I'm.... not right. I'll just say that.

So with the above being said, I have binged for the last 4 days straight. I've refused to weigh myself, but tomorrow I will, just to assess the damage. I am expecting a 4 or 5 lb gain, to be honest. And a lot of repercussions. I guess I'll see. It seems like every time I finally hit a goal weight, I seem to go and fuck it up. I'm a failure at everything.

I have one year to reach 115. My UGW. I have a hell of a long way to go, but I am going to be restricting as much as possible. Once I break this binge cycle, hopefully tomorrow, I will start fasting. I have binged for 4 days, so therefore I am going to fast-restrict-fast-restrict for 4 days. With restricting being under 200 calories. I can do this. When I finally move up to New York, I will not be the same person I was down here. I refuse to do that. No fucking way.
I need to keep on track. I need to stay motivated. I'm currently trying to get some money for proper running shoes since the only shoes I own are Converse. They suck for running in. Once I get those, I am going to be running at least 3 days a week. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be on a weight loss challenge. Or a determination. It will be hard, because my roommates like to buy shit food, but I am going to do it. My dad leaves for out of town again tomorrow, and that means I have until September (Also when I go to Amsterdam) to fast as much as I can. No more fucking up. I know that Cimiron says that he loves me just the way I am, but I can't do this anymore. I cannot stay in this body another day. With that being said, I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I will post my weight on here. I'm hoping that it will finally make me accountable. I will also be posting my exercise daily, for a little while. Just so that I can be accountable, to myself. Is that going to bother anyone?
I am going to do this. I will reach 115. I will write it all over my hands and all over my room, if I have to. But I am going to do it.

Next year I only have 2 classes, and WarrenTech.. I'm hoping that as I will be in WarrenTech most of the time, that will allow me to focus on more of my studies. I've got to be perfect this year. I have the ACT and the SAT to take in October, I have colleges to apply to, I have to apply for Fafsa, as well as scholarships. I have no fucking idea how to do any of this, and it's giving me anxiety and panic attacks. It's my Senior year of high school. I have to talk to F, the counselor who ousted me for cutting. I really don't want to talk to him, but I hope that I can face it. I have no intentions of letting anyone get in my way of achieving all of this.

So in short, here's my goals for the next year:
1. Reach 115, finally.
2. Get at least in A in both my classes and WarrenTech
3. Apply to colleges.
4. Fill out Fafsa.
5. Start planning to move out.
6. Start saving money to move/get a car.
7.Get my license.
8. Get a car.
9. Take the ACT.
10. Take the SAT.

Those are my goals. I can do it. I will need support though, but determination alone is all I have, really. Nobody sticks around long enough to support. So there is my short update. I'll post my weight in the morning, as well as my plan. For now though, it's time to sleep. Or at least pretend to. I rarely sleep anymore..