Photos that describe me!

Sorry for the awkward formatting. I don't know how to fix it.

Thoughts for today.

Today was a pretty good day, It's a Friday, what can I say?! I don't really have any plans for the weekend, but I will find time to read, to enjoy my life, to relax.
I don't really have anything to talk about here, but I wanted to say something, as I had a lot of weird thoughts today.
I'm having a rough go right now, as I keep gaining weight and I want to lose it. I have found it increasingly harder to love myself, or to not judge. It's so difficult, and I feel like I'm losing the will to want to be healthy. I haven't much felt up to running, but I think I will tonight. I haven't felt much up to eating healthily, and I haven't eaten as much as I should because school has been getting in the way. Then yesterday, I couldn't focus in school, I was caught up in my head and my thoughts. Because I was thinking about going on a Fast. I know that's probably not the best idea, but something in me just thought it felt.... right? To not eat. Something about not eating was appealing to me, and I want to. I don't have any particular reason I guess, I just want to. I am going to think about it for a little, but I might start the Fast Sunday just to see how long I can go. Why not?

Last night, I tried to talk to my dad, and he pretty much blew me off... again. I don't know why I keep trying to fix things, because It obviously isn't going to happen. He is still upset, and so am I. I am pissed off beyond belief for him never taking part in my life. For never wanting to be my dad. For always putting me down, for ruining everything I work towards. I know it's not all him, it's me too, but I'm only 16. I can't know it all. Two years ago, when I was cutting to feel that I was still here, still alive, to cope with my feelings, he never knew about it. But eventually he found out. And the only thing he told me was "Don't do it again or I'm putting you on 24 hour suicide watch". That's it. He didn't ask if I was okay, if I needed help. Nothing. I told my grandma about this finally. Finally. And all she pretty much had to say, was that I didn't get help because I didn't want help, and that there were plenty of my family members around to help me, if I wanted it. but she didn't understand that I couldn't talk to them even if I had wanted to. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want to let them in. But that's apparently my fault.

Anyways, yeah. I know that some of the things she said are right, and that's hurting me. But I also hurt for everything my dad hasn't done in my life, for never being the father I needed. And I'm starting to expect that he will never be the father I need. So I just want out.

Anyways, I'm just ranting here. Haha. Sorry! But honestly, I can't wait till I move out, but for now, I'm excited to go on a fast! (: I don't know how long it will work, but it's worth a try! This weekend is gonna be amazing! :D

Night time!

I love the night. It's my favorite time of the day. Because you can do anything then.
I had no homework tonight, so I went outside with a book, and read. But then I got sleepy, so I took a 2 hour nap!!! Yay for naps!!!!
Then tomorrow's FRIDAY!!! I am kinda excited, because then it's the weekend! I don't have any plans yet, but I will make some! I'm hoping to hang with a close friend that I miss! But I don't know yet!

Last night, I told this kid C that he could text me if he wanted, because I had to go. So he asked if my number was the same, and I was just like..... Wow. I mean, we dated briefly, but we ended up breaking up because we wanted two different things, and he was kinda an ass. Anyways, I didn't keep his number, but he kept mine.I think that's kinda weird. But now we're talking again, and I guess he still kinda likes me, but it would never work. I don't like him anymore, I don't know if I ever did. And to be honest, I don't know why I ever did. I think it was because I just wanted to be with someone, and because I was hurt over being ditched again. It's really petty. I don't much remember, but I thought it was kinda weird. And he texted me this morning saying "Good morning". I was just like....... REALLY? Am I the only one that finds that weird?
I mean I don't mind that he did, that's all fine and dandy. I just think it's a little weird is all.

Anyways, i'm off to go relax and blast some music. (: It's gonna be a good night, and then I got school tomorrow! I have a Science Test on the Periodic Table, and I'm terrified... But I know it will go well. I'm not even gonna think about it. I'm just gonna enjoy my relaxing night. :D Goodnight!

My Beautiful Denver!

These are of my beautiful Denver, I love it so much, because it's perfect for discovering new things. I can never get tired of going to Denver, or of living in Colorado. It is my home, and it's beautiful!

My best friend and I at the Taste of Colorado (:

Very bad at posting

I am so disappointed right now. I started on my 30 Day Challenge, but school has been hell for me, and so therefore I have missed a few days, like two of exercising. I continue to run, but I haven't actually done anything that's on the challenge. I feel like a complete failure with it.
Of course, I know that this doesn't mean I completely failed, just that I need to change it to fit what I'm going through right now, and maybe I can do that. I feel like I'm getting too stressed out over a lot of things, when really I shouldn't worry about them.
I don't know what to do about the Challenge, although I have gained weight since I started, not lost it. -_- So grrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I think I am going to change it and do it in October, but I will keep some of it up and do it now, so that I don't entirely fail. I just had such high hopes for it.

School is hell, I didn't do so well on a Math test, but I re took it and am hoping to get a higher grade. I am stressing about a test on Friday on the Periodic Table for Science, but also about doing Outdoor Lab. I haven't studied as much for my Science test as I should, because all I want to do is read. That's what I'm really horrible about. If I get into a book, then I won't do anything else until I'm finished with it. That's what hurts me a lot during school. Plus I'm on the computer a lot to post/read blogs. Or talk to friends.
Mostly with Outdoor Lab I am scared that I'm not right for who they're looking for, or that I won't do a good job.

Sorry I don't have much time to post today, it's just that I really need to get on my homework, so that I can still have time to run before it's too late. But I don't really want to study the Periodic Table... Who ever does?!?!?!

Today was really nice! I got to sleep in, and then I didn't do much in class, and I have no Math homework as I finished it in Class. :D

Does anyone actually read about my exercise or would anyone like to know about it? I mean, I know people read my blog, but I don't know if there's anybody who actually continuously reads my posts, rather than reads them once and moves on. If you do, what would you like me to post on here to either make it better or something you'd want to read? I am open to any suggestions!

I wish there were better people in the world.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO RUN BECAUSE I AM HAVING A VERY BIG ANXIETY ISSUE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But stupid people  have to be all dangerous, and then my grandma had to tell me about it so when I went to the park I noticed that it was all scary and dark and quiet and there was nobody around so then I got all nervous and couldn't run to relieve my anxiety so I had to come home and now i'm freaking out because I want to run so bad and I actually need to because i'm feeling super anxious and keyed up and I want to throw up because I feel so icky and I didn't eat dinner because I wasn't hungry and I know that's bad but right now I don't care. I need to run so bad but I can't and I hate people why can't they all just be nice and we can live in a happy freaking land?!?!?

I don't have a solution.... And it's pissing me off. My grandpa said he would follow me in a car to make sure i'm okay, but now he doesn't wanna do it and I wanna go scream at someone.... -________- WHY????????

Thoughts..

Last night when I walked in the house, my grandma asked how the Festival was. Then once all of that was out of the way, she said casually "Your dad misses you."

Four words. That's all it took. I responded that he probably didn't, and she told me that he did, that he had said it. I don't believe her, I still don't. He never seems to.

Then she brought up the fact that I need to talk to him about it.... That I should start living over there for half the week, and here for the other half. I can't do that...

I am still so hurt by everything he's said, by telling me that I pretty much don't matter, that he's an adult, that I'm not, and therefore, I'm the one who has to change. I don't have to, and I don't want to either.

It's not just what he's said that's hurt, it's everything he's done. He doesn't feel like my dad. He's never taken an interest in anything I've done. Whether that be Colorguard, or my Violin, or music, or Forensic Science. He never has. I've never heard a compliment from him that felt like it meant something, he's always just told me to do whatever. And while that may be fine, I guess part of me doesn't want that. Part of me wants a dad that wants to give me hugs, that' interested in my life, even a little bit.

It's hard to forgive 16 years of hurt, in about 4 weeks... I can't do it. I know that he's reaching out to me, because he asked me to go bowling with him, (Spending time with me) and he wanted to go to the wedding with me too. And while that's exactly what I want, I need time now.

I don't want to be the one that's reaching back, because he doesn't understand. I can't ever explain to him how much he's hurt me, how I interpret the things he says. I just can't. Part of it is that I don't want to, but the other part is just that I don't have the words.

I am finally happy. I am happy being able to go to school so easily, being able to run, hang out with friends, do pretty much whatever I want. If I go back to my dads, I know that all the hurt and everything will just come back, and it'll keep getting worse. I don't feel free there like I do here.

And there's only so many times you can get hurt before enough is enough. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. Maybe once I'm 18, and I'm off to college, I can fix things with him. But right now, I can't.

I just want to sit on my own, cry until I can't cry anymore, hurt for everything. Because I am so used to pushing my feelings away, saying "If I don't acknowledge it, then it can't effect me." But I can't do that anymore, I don't want to. I've finally found something worth being happy about, something that makes me smile like an idiot, be happy, have goals again. And it's only happened since my dad hasn't been around. Maybe that makes me a bitch, or shallow. But really, I don't know any other options. I don't know how to explain it.

Even right now, writing this, I can't keep the tears at bay. Thinking about him, it just brings everything back. I don't even know how to begin healing from this, but I know I need time. 4 weeks isn't enough time. 1 month may not be enough time. 4 months may not be enough time. I don't know. But I know that I don't want to go back, I don't want to try to fix it.

For once, I am on the track to getting where I want to be, with an unchecked enthusiasm. And in case you don't know, here's my goals (In no particular order):

1. To get straight A's in school.

2. To complete my 30 Day Fitness Challenge.

3. To lose weight.

4. To start running, because I love it.

5. To find reasons to smile every day.

6. To love myself, however that may happen.

7. To finally and truly beat my ED.

These are my goals, and can't see any of them happening if I go back to my dad's.... Is that horrible? Does that make me a bad daughter? Am I wrong here? Should I forgive him? Any thoughts or ideas? I could sure use them..

Day 2!

So it's Day 2 of my 30 Day Fitness Challenge, and i'm still super pumped!!!!!

Here's what I've done for Day 2:

• 20 Chest Presses
• 40 Chair Dips
• 30 Ball Crunches
• 4 planks

So I know this is probably completely odd, i'm pretty much doing what I can, day by day. But the planks, that's just to try to build my endurance, to try to increase my time for each rep I do. I don't know how much sense that makes, but if I can build my time, then i'll get stronger. Plus I hear that it helps a lot with push ups. It may change, and right now, i'm entirely unsure of everything, so i'm just going to see what works for me, and what doesn't. Day by day.
And of course, i'll keep running, and posting my times! If there's anything else anyone thinks I should post, then you can either comment here or email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com. Any criticism or advice is always appreciated!

My top 10 workout songs as of right now are:
1. Die Trying by Art of Dying
2. What Can I Say by Dead By April
3. A Place For My Head by Linkin Park
4. Whispers In The Dark by Skillet
5. Disturbed - Stricken
6. One Step Closer - Linkin Park
7. Fire - Dead by Sunrise
8. Guarded - Disturbed
9. I'm Alive - Disturbed
10. Land of Confusion - Disturbed

These are in no particular order, but I mostly like them because of the beat.
When i'm running with these songs on, it's got a nice rythem, it keeps me going.

If anyone's got any other good Workout Songs, i'd love to hear them!

Day 1!!!

So I am probably going to change this routine, but for now, here's what I did on Day 1 for my challenge!

• 30 Squats
• 40 Lunges
• 25 Push-ups 
• 60 Crunches
• 40 Reverse Curls

I also went for a run! This was amazing! If I had to rate my level of energy, i'd say it's at about an 8 right now. I feel so pumped, so excited, so energized!! :D I hope it stays that way, but I know it won't. I'll just have to make the best of everything I can! (:
I am also going to post my stats on here, starting now. Because that way, when I look back at them, I can see how well I did, what I accomplished.
If this bothers anyone, then don't read these posts. But that's your choice, not mine!

Height: 5'8 1/2"
Weight: 184 lbs
Goal: 170 by the end of October

Update!

So I've not been able to get on the computer in the last 2 - 3 days. Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal, but it is!!! There has been so much happening, and I needed to write it out!! So I guess this is going to be a really  long post, but there will also be two other posts, for my fitness challenges.

3 days ago.... Hmm.... I spent the night at my friends house, we walked down to Olde Town, and just walked around, enjoying the day. We got some candy, as well as some pizza. I ate both, no big deal. Then the next morning, (Yesterday morning) we went out to breakfast. It was really nice, and I felt kinda pissed off/bitchy even though I don't know why. But like I just felt angry. And I kept constantly needing to get up to go to the bathroom (Not to purge, but to breathe) and part of me I guess was hoping that she'd think to come help me. Or to come see if I was okay. But she never did. So that kinda upset me, but I guess it shouldn't have. I am learning slowly, that there's really nobody here that I can count on for certain things. I know that sounds really depressing, but actually, realizing that, I feel lighter.
I know there are people there I can count on, (Cimiron, Sarah, Izzy, Otis, Alex, etc.) but when it comes to this, I guess I'm on my own. And really, that's not so bad. I kinda prefer it that way. I may be eating more than I want to, I may not be entirely healthy, but hey, I'm okay for now, I can deal. I am who I am, and when I get to where I want to be, then I believe that things will start falling into place.
So then yesterday afternoon, I went to the Taste of Colorado, (A huge music and food festival) and I loved it! I ate some chili cheese fries, tried Lamb, Fried Alligator, Fried Oreo's. I know that none of that is good for me, but hey, I think I deserved it. So now it's back to being healthy for my 30 Day fitness Challenge!

Also when I got home last night, my grandma tried to talk me into going back to my dads, and that ended badly... I'll have to write about it in another post, as there is so much to write.

Today, I am back to my 30 Day Challenge, and I am loving it. (Also something I'll post separately) I don't feel like I'm pushing myself with it, so I might decided to change it, to change the original course of the challenge, as I want to get better, right? But it's going well.
Today, I am just hanging out, enjoying the weather, reading and listening to music. I go back to school tomorrow, and I hate it! But hey, gotta do what you've gotta do. I have a Science test sometime next week, and I'm so completely stressed about it! I am terrified that I'm going to fail it, as I haven't studied as much as I should. And also I've got an Outdoor Lab meeting, and I'm terrified for that as well, considering that I don't do too well with little kids. Jeez. So much to stress about. Anyone have any advice??
Today was supposed to be stress free, but damn. Now that I've written this post, I'm stressing like the world depends on me!!! I have to do good in school this year, to get my GPA back to a 4.0 for college.... AHH!!! Gosh. I guess that's all I've got to say for now, here anyways.

If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Not sure why i'm irritated..

My friend wanted to hang out, and I said sure, because we haven't hung out in forever! But then she suggested that we go to a FOOD FESTIVAL. I mean, c'mon!!!! She knows how hard of a time i'm having right now with my weight and eating, and she suggests going to a food festival.

Ugh.

Normally this wouldn't bother me, I mean, it's just a festival, right? But damn! I've reaches out to her for help, asked her to help me eat right, told her what happens when I eat, asked for her support, etc, and now it doens't feel like she's supporting me.... I mean the other day when she asked how much i'd eaten, and I said I ate, but not a lot, she asked if I truly wanted to get over this thing. I said that I did, and that I wasn't purging anymore, I wasn't self harming, I rarely ever lied about what I ate, and that I was trying to be healthy. If that didn't prove that I wanted to get over it, then what would?

But she just said that I needed to start eating more, that I can't listen to the voice in my head that tells me horrible things when I eat. IF IT WAS THAT SIMPLE, I WOULD NOT HAVE A GOD DAMN EATING DISORDER. I am doing the best that I can, but right now, it seems to be a wee bit harder, and when I wanted someone to understand, well she just tells me to get over it.

I hate this, because then I don't want to reach out to her, I don't want her help, I don't want to confide in her, I don't want anything from her. But what am I supposed to do? She's my best friend. But it doesn't feel like it. And I mean it isn't just the reason why i'm so upset. It's that nobody here seems to be able to understand or somewhat care about what I am going through, and they can't do anything about it. I need someone who can see me, see what I eat, be an outside source. For someone who isn't here to see it, they could accept any lie I tell them about what I ate that day, and most of the time, It's the truth. But sometimes it isn't. They can't see when I need help, they aren't here in person when I need to be alone, and they're just not here.
But it feels like there's nobody that is even willing to help me out, or to be there for me, or try to support me. And that's what I need most right now, I don't think I can do this final part on my own, because i'm just not that strong.... But what choice have I?
I mean, I guess I don't blame them..... but I really really hope that they never have to go through this.. it's the worst thing ever, and i've seen how my friends struggle. They sruggglme more than I did, for some reason, but i've gone backwards more. So I don't ever want to see this happen to them. I hope they live a  happy normal life.
I feel like i'm changing a lot this year. Some of the stuff that I laughed at last year, well I feel like it's annoying now. The stupid things I may have done last year, I just don't want to do it anymore. And I know i'm being a lot more self centered than normal, but I don't seem to care. I'm not stressing too much about school, I seem to be excited about things I couldn't be bothered with. Now, you might say that this is normal, but in reality, I feel like i'm the only one who's changed. Everyone else has seemed to stay the same for the most part. It's weird.
I don't know why I felt the need to write all this down, maybe just because if I can see it I can work through it easier? I hope. Anyways, goodnight.

Fitness!

So the other day I decided that i'd like to go running, as part of starting to get into shape. So I did, but I also timed my laps, and recorded them so that I could keep track of how much I improve, just as a motivation thing. I'm sure you can understand. I mean, when you accomplish something, you feel elated, inspired, right?
Well I do. And that's the purpose of keeping my times from running.

So two days ago when I went for my first run, about a mile and a half. Here's my stats.
The first lap I ran in 2:53:52. Not bad, right?
The second lap I ran in 2:59:35. This is when my asthma started kicking in, so I had to slow down a little bit.
The third lap I ran in 2:56:59. I was pretty happy to find that I improved a little bit, despite my asthma, but y'know, i'm hoping to do a lot better. Or even to just be able to breathe a little easier when I run. That would be considered an accomplishment, to me.

So I was pretty excited for that, I went to run last night also, but I ended up only being able to run one lap, becuase I felt like I was gonna puke and pass out simultaneously. Not a good thing. So I went home and I chilled out, just breathed. I felt much better afterwards, I'm not sure what was up. Then this morning I got up early to run a few laps before I had to leave for school, partly because I wanted to feel energized, but also partly because I wanted to make up for not being able to run last night.

It was amazing!!!!
:D

I think I may go for another run tonight, after dinner, just because. And then tomorrow I start my 30 Day Fitness Challenge!!!!!!! Which I think I will be posting on here, so anyone that wants to know about it can read about it, try it if they'd like, or really, just do whatever with it. (:

That's pretty much what's up with me, because school has just been alright, nothing too interesting there. Mostly, my focus is on this weekend, on what i'm going to do (Though I have no plans yet) and also on my Fitness Challenge. Did I mention i'm excited?!!?

Day before!

So I start my Fitness Challenge on Saturday!!!! I can't wait!!!!! And while I know that technically tomorrow would be the day before, well I just wanted to write about it!
I will be posting my goals, my thoughts, and my progress on here, as a way to keep track of it, and also for anyone that wants to know about how it's going, what it is. I don't mean to bother or trigger anyone, or anything like that, so if you don't want to see it, then don't read these posts! It's simple!
I've come to the thought that this will be the last part in getting over my ED. Because I think I need to go after being healthy, living healthy, if I want to be happy. Not to get obsessed about it, but just as something I need to do.
I really can't wait, i've started running, in the past three days. And though it isn't easy thanks to the fact that I have Asthma, I can still do it and I love it. Asthma used to be my excuse why I couldn't run, or play sports. But in reality, I think it was just because I didn't want to. And I also think that this will do me a lot of good, in just being happy. I mean I feel so bright and cheerful that I think it's kinda scary, to be honest. But it's not bad!  =D =D =D
The other day I ran 3 laps around the park, so about a mile and a half. Instead of timing it in a whole, I decided to time it in laps. I did really well, or so I thought. I was going to post the times on here, but I don't have them right now, I shall do it later, probably tomorrow when I get them. And then I can also post my stats from tonight as well, see if i've improved any. That's my goal with timing it. I just want to improve. (:
I hope it goes well. I am going to go eat dinner, then for a run! (:

Thank you!

I was thinking earlier..... and I realized that there are so many people who have helped me through anything and everything, and that it means a lot. And I realize that I may not act like it, but I just wanted to finally say it in all one post, so that I can put it out there. So here's a list of people who've helped and supported me. (:

1. Izzy
From the second I found her blog, it meant a lot to me. She was recovering from Anorexia at the time, and though we didn't share the same ED, she could understand how I felt on a personal level. She gave me advice on everything, without judgement. It was amazing, and now that she is fully recovered from her Eating Disorder, I can look up to her. I want to be like her, to love who I am, to be healthy, to be where she is at. I want to be able to help other people. She is amazing. http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/ and her new blog http://living--healthy.blogspot.com/

2. Kendel
She's been amazing to me, someone to just talk to, and though she lives far away, he has a way of being her that just makes me smile. We have so much in common, and I love reading her blog. http://xjustanotherteenblogger.wordpress.com/ She's fun to talk to, and she just makes me laugh a lot. Of course, that's not too hard to do, but still. It's very nice. I consider her a friend, even though she lives in New Zealand and I've never met her!

3. Lovely Bones
This girl - I found her blog a few days ago. And from the second I read it, I was intrigued. She is currently battling Bulimia, and though it tends to get the best of her, as it is a very hard disease to get out of, she is fighting it. She was easy to talk to, and she supported me from the get go. I am not sure what it is about her, but she just makes me smile, and I am rooting for the best for her to beat her Bulimia. I know she can do it! Here's a link to check out her blog: http://mystruggleforperfection.blogspot.com/

4. Alex
She is one of my best friends, and though she doesn't know about this blog, she too has been where I'm at. She talks me through the worst of situations, where I think that nobody could ever want to be around me. She makes me laugh, and her quirks? You just gotta love her. She's been known to be quite scary when she's angry, but hey, aren't we all? I love her so much, she's a great friend to have. I don't know what I'd do without her.

5. Cimiron
I know I talk about him a lot in this blog, but hey, he means something huge to me. He makes me laugh, and smile. He listens to all of my crazy rants, even when he doesn't deserve it. He gives me advice, even when I don't think I want it. And he loves me. That's a huge thing, because I don't love myself, or at least I don't think I do, and because of him, I'm getting there. He is amazing, and even though he lives 2200 miles away, I still keep him here. I owe him so much for everything he's done for me, and probably will continue to do for me. I am so lucky to have him. I can't believe that I went to school with him for an entire year, hung out with him pretty much for a year, and yet I had no idea who he was. And now, here we are about 4 years later, and I can't imagine my life without him. Now, I don't mean to sound all cheesy and sappy and everything, but really, all that is amazing to me. (:

6. Kassidy
Kassidy is another one of my best friends, and she helps me through a lot. She is the one that would do the most insane shit with me, just because I want to. We've had so many great adventures, and I can still remember the first time we met. Ironically, it was due to the fact that I was being a complete idiot on the first day of school, but hey, a friend is still a friend. Sometimes I want to kick her in the face, and tell her to shove it up a goat (I have told her that before), but I still love having her crazy ass around. Who else would I do crazy stuff with?!?!? She supports me through everything, and I her, and I'm really lucky to have a friend like her.

7. Otis
This hoe right here is my bestest friend. Just kidding, she is so not a hoe. I love her. She makes me laugh, she gets things stuck in my head, she's constantly random, and she's her. I have to thank her so much, because she is originally the one who got me started on my road to recovery from Bulimia. Had she not stepped in, and told her grandma, where would I be now? I owe her for that, for saving my life, not once, but twice. The first was from my Bulimia, because surely I would be dead by now, or close to it. But she also saved me again back in my Freshman year/summer when I was self harming. Granted, she was doing it too, but she reached out to me through her own pain, and he helped me to stop. She helped me out of my depression, and to that I will always be grateful. I love her so much, I can't imagine my life without a best friend like that.

Well these are a few people that have done outstanding things for me, and I wanted to thank them for everything they've done, even if most of them will not see this. It's still there, and maybe one day I can show them. Because you should tell people what they mean to you day in and day out, and appreciate what you have, because you never know if tomorrow could be your last day, and you wouldn't want to leave anything unsaid. (:

30 Day Challenge OVER!!!!!

I successfully completed my 30 Day Challenge, as of today. I messed up in a few places, I will admit! But it felt good to have a commitment to something, even if it was on a blog that nobody probably reads, or even if I did get a wee bit obsessed with it.... Haha but it still feels really good to accomplish something!!!!

I am so proud of myself!!!! (:

Haha here's a few pictures that also make me smile, and work with this wonderful and beautiful day!!! Smile!

Day 30: Do you have any saved text messages? If so, who are they from and why do you still have them?

Haha I have a lot of saved text messages.... well okay, not a lot, but enough! Let's see.... I'll just make a list.

There's really only two in my phone right now.
One set is from my friend Alex. She helped me through it the other day when I binged and purged, and couldn't take it. When I hated myself, and pretty much had a meltdown. She talked to me all through the night, and helped me figure some things out and get back on track. She made me realize that if I mess up once, it doesn't meant that i'm Bulimic or Anorexic again, it just means that I have to find the trigger, and accept it. I have to move on, work around it. It was a long conversation, like 111 messages.
I keep it because now in the days following my fuck up, I can read them and remember why I am fighting for recovery, and to be healthy. They remind me that I shouldn't hate myself for messing up. It's just to look at for some inspiration when i'm feeling low about my weight or something for now.

The other person that I have saved text messages from is Cimiron. This is because I can look at them now and they make me smile, when i'm having a bad day. I mean since he lives so far away, It isn't like I can see him every day, so I keep the little things he may say from time to time to give me a reason to smile. It always works. One thing he does without actually trying is that he helps me love myself. I know that sounds really weird, but when i'm having a bad weight day, I just think that he loves me, everything about me.
And if he can love me for everything I am, then I should be able to love myself. And most of the time, thinking about that takes my mind off of whatever it is that i'm stressing about. So they just help me keep a positive attitude, and besides, I love him. So they give me reasons, to smile as does he. (He's the screensaver on my phone and he very much dislikes it. (: But I don't!)

Silence

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF ME, i DON'T NEED HELP, I DON'T NEED YOU TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN.

I JUST WANT TO STICK MY HEADPHONES IN AND TELL EVERYONE TO FUCK OFF.

I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO, OR GUILTING ME INTO THINGS. I HAVE MORALS. I KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT. AND I HAVE GOALS. I KNOW HOW TO ACHIEVE THEM BETTER THAN YOU EVER WOULD. I AM OVER DEALING WITH PEOPLE, BECAUSE NOBODY SEEMS TO BE CHILL RIGHT NOW. AT LEAST NOT ANYBODY HERE. AND YOUR STRESS = MY STRESS. I DON'T NEED IT!

YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS PERFECT, IS MY IDEA OF INSANITY!

I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO GET GOOD GRADES, TELL YOU HAPPY THINGS, OR BE PERFECT ALL THE TIME. RIGHT NOW I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN IN ORDER TO PISS YOU OFF AND HURT YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE HURT ME AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!!

I AM ONLY ONE PERSON. AND I AM 16. DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE PERFECT, TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT, OR TO EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO. I FUCK UP. GET USED TO IT. I AM NOT MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT LIKE YOU ARE, AND YOUR IDEA OF PERFECTION IS ONLY HURTING ME.

IF YOU DON'T WANT ME HERE ANYMORE, THEN TELL ME. I WILL GO SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT I CAN'T STAND TO HAVE THE ONE PLACE I THOUGHT I COULD GO TURN INTO SOMETHING WHERE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME HOME. IF I WANTED THAT, THEN I COULD JUST MOVE BACK TO MY DADS.

SPEND ONE DAY IN MY HEAD. JUST ONE. I ENCOURAGE YOU. THEN YOU CAN TELL ME DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, AND I'LL DO IT WITH NO HESITATION. BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO STEP INTO MY SHOES, AND LIVE MY LIFE FOR A DAY.

I CAN GUARANTEE YOU'LL BE RUNNING AWAY LIKE YOU NEVER KNEW ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE, AND STOP PUSHING ME.

I

AM

GOOD

ENOUGH

AND

I

DON'T

NEED

TO

PLEASE

ANYONE

BUT

MYSELF

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN I'LL FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE.

Not titled

So I just realized something.... and it kinda made me a wee bit mad. All the people that say you should love your body and love yourself, they aren't like everyone else.
I mean, you never hear a normal sized or slightly overweight person telling people to be okay with yourself! No. It's always the people who don't NEED to change to be what society thinks is good, or what they themselves think is good. I just don't get it, and honestly, it's all starting to sound like a bunch of bullshit. I don't agree with it, and while I don't disagree with it either, I think there needs to be some perspective. It's just so damn frustrating to always hear someone who's skinny to tell you to "Be okay with yourself, love yourself." I swear, if you were in anyones position but your own, you would not be saying that!!!!! It's just a bunch of bullshit!!!!!
Sorry, i'm slightly irritated and pissed off right now, but I had to get that off my chest. Because I swear, I was gonna explode if I didn't.

Anyways, I've decided to try something. If everyone says that people and models in magazines are altered, that they're the impossible to attain, then there is a test that it should pass. I don't know the name of the philosopher that came up with it, but it seemed legit to me, so I shall try it. (: Maybe that will help a little.
Sorry I had to rant here...... Just getting my thoughts out.

Contemplation.... ?

So in Marching band at school, someone dropped out of the Colorguard, so the director is now begging me to join.
I was originally in the Marching Band, but then I had to drop out before the season actually got started. So it's not like the show was effected because of me. But now she wants me to do it, and honestly, I want to but I don't.

I want to do it because that way I can see for sure if I like it or not, it would be good to put on a college application, and besides, if I 'd be able to help, then I'd love it. I mean, everyone says they hate Marching Band, but can you really? I mean I'd kinda like to know what it's like.

I don't want to do it because I don't really have the money for the uniform, I'd have to learn all the drill really fast, which is hard to do. I also don't want to do it because I'm enjoying my time not doing it, as I start Colorguard in December. I mean that's when Marching Band ends, but can I do it?  It's really confusing.

Besides, everyone in my house is angry and fighting right now, because things are conflicting. They're really stressed out, and I feel like I should be staying out of the way, almost like I'm invisible.
I don't want to be the cause of any more stress for my family, because then I'm going to get stressed. And if that happens, then everything starts going down hill.
But at the same time, I really want to help out and be there for my guard, they're my second family. And I'd love to do Colorguard, it helps me get back in shape, as well as takes my focus off of some stressful things. But on the other hand it can be stressful in itself.
School really isn't an issue, because it's easy right now, when Winter guard starts though, that's when hell starts.

Anyways, this is all just ramble.. I'm just a wee bit confused, not sure what would be a good choice here. I am too tired to think, so I am just going to go to bed, maybe tomorrow it will make more sense.... Night.

Day 29: A picture of your pets and describe them!

I have two dogs, a whit German Shephard husky mix, and the other is a black and white Malamute Husky mix. They are mother and son, the white one (Nikki) being the mother. The son is named Bigboy, and they are the best dogs in the world!!! (:

My puppies!!! :D

INSPIRATION!!!

THIS MADE MY DAY!!!! :D

Everyone deserves to be loved, to be happy, to have a chance to live their life on their own terms. Nobody is worthless, degradable, or a piece of shit. EVERYONE is AMAZING. In your own individual way. Never let anyone tell you otherwise!!! (:

I'm so excited!

So it's almost September which means......... *30 Day Fitness Challenge*!!!!!! I can't wait!!! I am so excited that i'm tempted to start it now, but that wouldn't work would it, because it's not September! I seem to be doing a lot better now, and I just wanted to put it out there.
Last night I rant the mile in 21 minutes!!!!! Sure, not a great time, but I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!! Before, I couldn't even run a mile!!!! :D And even though i'm not losing any weight, i'm still gonna try, because I know that I will, and it's also the perfect way to get in shape and get healthy! My eating habits are still a little wonky, but i'm working those out!!!
School is going great! I get so excited to go to Psychology, even though my teacher doesn't really make sense to me.... He said something about sex that I find really interesting though, in that you can have a fear of your sexuality or being sexual if you don't "Get enough boob" as he put it, or if you get too much. But it's such a small window, that it's hard to reach. Haha there was no importance to that, other than I found it interesting. I am kinda excited for Chemistry, but already we've got a test that I am so not looking forward to.. I suck at taking tests, even if I know the material. All of my other classes are going well, except there's really nothing special about them. So they don't get to be mentioned =P
My room got moved, so now I actually have my own room instead of a room where people always want to be. Like I get my own space, and it's kinda nice. Only I know how much trouble they had to go through to get it for me, and I feel kinda bad about it. But this is a happy post, so I can express all my happiness that I feel right now!
Last night, I was feeling the need to move, so I waited till it got almost dark and then I went for a run.... something I never do! But it felt amazing, and though I had a little trouble because of my asthma, I loved running. I even ran a mile in under 21 minutes!!! I mean, okay, that's not a great time, but that fact that I could even run it made me so proud!!! Now it's time to start working on the time for it, see what I can get it up to. I mean god, if I had known before how much fun running can be when you actually want to do it, instead of needing to, i'd have started a long time ago!!!
And with having an off hour in the morning, that means I get to sleep in for an extra hour if I wish, or on block days, I get to sleep in an extra 2 hours, if I so wish! Of course, there are more productive things I can do, such as homework, hanging out with friends, writing, reading, etc. All things I enjoy doing, and now I have even more time to do it! It's really nice, because then I don't have to get too stressed about school, or like if I need extra time to complete an assignment? Then I have it, and I don't have to majorly stress.
Today has been such an amazing day, and I just want to revel in it and be happy! I'm soo close to September, to getting what I want! And I can do it. I know that I can. I am strong enough.

Day 28: Something you could never get tired of doing.

I could NEVER in a million years get tired of  listening to music. It is my favorite thing to do. Every chance I get, I've got my headphones in and my music blasting, and i'm either singing along, or dancing, or both :D
I never get tired of it, music is for everything. I love to play music, listen to music, etc. Though I have no ability to write music. Yet. :D :D I can't live without it.

So scared....

I ate so much food today, and I felt horrible doing it! It was all such in a short period of time I don't even want to get into it!!! But I wanted to throw up the entire rest of the day, and I would have, if people weren't for them being here. That's what scares me... And then I felt really bad about it and my brother came in and asked if I wanted to smoke weed with him... and so I agreed because for me, when i'm high, I don't feel insecure, and I don't feel bad about myself... That's all I wanted to do... I just wanted og feel beter and since people all have their own problems, I didn't want to make them deal with my own.
And really, I didn't want to talk to anybody, because i'm tired of having people there and  have them be nice to me. Does that amke any sense?
Anyways, I got high, and it was supposed to help suppress my appetite, but then something happened and all I can remember is somewhat putting a piece of meat on bread with mayonnaise and then me purging it... I can't believe this and now I can't stop crying and there's nobody to talk to and I hate myself.
That's the biggest thing.... Ic an't believe I purged... I can't believe it... I hate myself for this... How could I .. I was supposed to be stronger than this!!! I don't want to be Bulimic! And now my throat burns.... and I can't  breathe because i'm crying so much and I wish I could get help... I thought that I was doing so well.... what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!? I don't even deserve to be here... i'm a waste of space and I hate myself..... I'm so fat.... I hate that I got high, I hate that I lost control, and I hate that I lost control again!!! D: I hate this.... Goodnight everyone.... Fuck this... I'm so tired of this... I can't stop crying,...

Anticipating!

I know this is probably not going to make any sense, but I can't wait for September 1st. Why? Because that's when I officially start my 30 Day Fitness Challenge. I am actually really too lazy to exercise now, and I guess that's reflecting on my eating habits because I ate a shit ton today. I mean that's pretty much all I did, and that's not allowed..... I mean nobody should eat that much. I don't even want to think about what I ate, because it's horrible. I was not hungry at all today, but I still ate loads. Why? Because I was bored, and I have no willpower.
And now, my brain wont shut up and I keep hearing a constant stream of "How could you eat that, you're going to gain a lot of weight! You worthless piece of shit, you don't deserve to be here. Nobody wants you here, they all feel ashamed to see you because you're so fat! I mean what do people think of them when they walk around in public with you?! You're pathetic!" and other things. It's great, so naturally, I want to throw up. I almost did earlier, and I've had to keep myself busy and doing things in order not to. That coupled with the fact that someone would hear me if I did, since they are near, kept me okay. But I hated it. Every minute of it. And still I ate.
I couldn't see any way to get out of it, and I'm quite ashamed to admit.... I eat when I get bored. That's just what I do. Or maybe it's a Bulimic thing? I need to change that if I ever hope to lose weight and reach my goal. Plus, my grandma gets mad at me for being on the computer so much, because she thinks I spend too much time here. But what am I supposed to tell her? That writing keeps me sane? That it's my coping mechanism? That I love to read the blogs that I follow? I can't.
If I ever told her any of that, she'd want to know what I'm writing about, or what I write on. And she doesn't know anything. Nothing, and I'd like to keep it that way. I mean, even now, when I'm "Good" they get upset over the smallest things, or they tell me that I should do this or that, because they don't have the money, and then I just want to disappear. To shrink smaller and smaller until I can slip through the cracks in the floor. To just be invisible. Because I hate stressing them out. So they can't know about any of this.
I kinda think I need a therapist though. Like a real psychotherapist, because I know people say they don't do much, or that they only repeat back to you what you put out, but somehow they always end up helping you. They end up making you realize things about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise, or that would take you much longer to figure out. At the same time, however, I don't want one, because to me that means dependence, and letting someone in, and to be honest, I'm so tired of hearing my story told over and over and over again. I'm nothing special. The only thing that I could ever see good about getting a therapist, is that maybe then they could help me figure out my own head, but really, that doesn't even seem legit.
I'm setting a goal, or rather multiple goals. This might bother some of the people that read this post, and if it does, I'm really sorry. But by October 1st, 2012, my goal is to weigh 170 lbs. By December 1st 2012, my goal is to weigh 150. Then by my birthday, February 13th, 2013, my goal is to weigh 130, and then to maintain that weight. If I go a little lower, as in 120, then that's all the better. But my ultimate goal weight is 130, for now. And this time I am going to do my best to do it the healthy way, through exercise and healthy diet. Not by binging, purging, restricting, and self harm. That way doesn't work, it will never work, and I don't want to ever go back.
Besides, I really want to get into the habit of loving running again, though I don't know if I can. I mean, I do have asthma, so that would impact it a little bit, but I still want to be able to. And if I can get to my goal weight, then I intend on getting a gym membership, but only as I will be sure to use it. I know that everyone says weighing less isn't the key to being okay with myself, or loving myself but here's the fact of the matter. Everything I can see myself doing, loving, etc, it all starts with my weight. I refuse to run unless I lose weight, I refuse to eat 3 times a day, unless I lose more weight, and I refuse to give up this fight, until I get to my goal weight. I am stubborn about everything, except this. I can't stick to it like I wish I could, and there's really nobody to support me through this. Any of my family members can't, because they make me nervous, and uncomfortable, and none of my friends think Bulimia is legit.
I mean I told about two of them, but they never took it seriously. Or I don't feel like they did. I lied to them once, said that I was doing better, just to see, and they both believed me. They didn't ask anything else, and they dropped the subject. I mean, Bulimia may not show major signs, like severe weight loss, or anything like that, but that doesn't mean that it can't be real. But I feel like it would be a little better, because then I'd actually have someone to talk to about this stuff, someone who actually cares. But what's done is done, I guess. I can't change it, and really, neither of them care. I don't really care. But I can't wait until I start getting healthier!!! :D
Well this is pretty much all I have to say, I'm really quite tired, as I have school tomorrow. So I think that I am going to go to bed, or maybe. I actually have some stuff to do first, but goodnight on here. (:

Day 27: My favorite musician and why?

I have a lot of favorite musicians.... But here's the top two! (:

1. Demi Lovato. I know that a lot of people don't like her, that they think she has a cookie cutter image, or that she just doesn't act real. But I love her and her music because it's not lyrics about falling in love, or getting heartbroken. Everyone can sing about that. But Demi has a lot of emotion in her music, and it's real to the point that you can see it. I don't know how to explain it, but I just love her!

2. Ozzy Osborne. He is amazing, I love his music. I grew up with his music, and his rock. I am not entirely sure what it is that I love about him, but I can remember back when I was really little, the first song I ever loved by him was "Dreamer". I memorized the lyrics to that song, and I sung it everywhere I went. It was my favorite song because it described exactly where I wanted to be, what I thought of the world in a way that even I couldn't think of at the time. This is gonna sound really cliche, but it spoke to me. It meant something to me, and to this day, I listen to and love that song.

Ranting

So i'm  kinda irritated and I don't know why. Like I asked my grandma if I handed her a piece of paper on Friday that I needed, and she wanted to know what it was for. She didn't want to answer my question, and then I got irritated and we started yelling at each other. It's great. Not.
I have a really stupid reason for writing this post. It's because I ate a hamburger and some baked beans about 2 hours ago, but i'm hungry again. I don't understand it. And also, I eat when I get bored, and i'm bored since I ran out of things to clean. Weird, huh? I clean when I get really happy, at least I think that's why I want to clean sometimes. But anyways, I know that I will go out into the kitchen and get something to eat, and I don't want that, because logically, I am not hungry. I ate today, somewhat. I had pancakes for breakfast, and then a extra small oreo blizzard for brunch. But when I went to the wedding, I ate some chips and salsa, a ham sandwich, and like 2 bites of potato salad. Then for dessert, I ate 2 cupcakes. Then for dinner I had a hamburger and some baked beans. Now, this is not to say that I am anxious about eating all of that, or that I shouldn't have eaten it. I wanted to and I was hungry at the times of eating. It's just that now i'm hungry again, and I have no right to be. I ate all my meals, I gave my body what it needed. So I shouldn't be hungry.
I also went to a wedding today, for an old friend of mine. She looked so beautiful in her dress, and seeing how happy she was with her, well that almost made me cry. It was so amazing, she had truly found someone she loved, and it was beautiful. They've been together since high school, so a total of five years. They are proof that not everything changes after high school. And her dance with him, it was so sweet. They had these little bells, where every time you rung one, they had to kiss, so it was kinda funny because little kids would get ahold of the bells and they would ring it and ring it, which meant that she and her husband had to kiss. (: I could keep on going, but that's all for now. I'm really tired, but I had to write it down, because it was one the best days ever, though I can't explain why. Sorry for the rant. =P

Day 26: If you had $1,000,000 to spend, how would you spend it?

Hmm, first i'd buy me some music off of Itunes (:
Then i'd probably put about $300,000 aside for college, a car, a place to live.
Then i'd give some to my grandma, to pay her back for taking care of me, and the rest would go to charity.

Sorry there's not much detail, i'm tired as crap. Good night.

Fitness Plan! (:

So I know that I've wanted to get into shape and lose weight the healthy way for a while now. and I've got a goal for it. But the other day, I found this blog with a "30 Day Fitness Challenge" and thought I should give it a shot. It might help me kick start my exercise, and hey, maybe even give me some ideas. This way, it's kinda like a warm up before I actually start working out, but not at the same time, y'know?
I thought about posting it here, but I don't know if that would bother anyone, and that's something I don't want to do. So I think I'm going to start this 30 Day Fitness Challenge and either keep it in a journal for my eyes only, or keep it on here as a draft, so that it's still private, and it can't hurt anyone. At the end, I may think about posting my results, and my comments day by day. That would include weight loss.... Comment, please, if it would bother you.

Not feeling good.. :/

I know that i've been kinda stressed out in school, so I haven't really been eating breakfast or lunch... I usually eat a snack after school at like 4, then have lunch at like 7. But today, I can't seem to get full. Or at least to the point where I don't feel really hungry. It's kinda shitty, because thanks to that, i've eaten a lot today. I got home at about 5, and I had some turkey with gravy. Then I waited a half an hour, and ate another serving, since I felt like I was gonna puke. That didn't help. And so now i'm eating a ham sandwich, hopefully then I won't be hungry.
I understand that skipping breakfast and lunch is really bad, and I don't mean to do it, sometimes. So maybe this reaction today is just my bodies way of telling me that it needs more food? I don't know, but I don't particularly like it.
The only things i've eaten today besides that is coffee this morning, and then I had some laffy taffy for "Lunch". And then I was hungry and shaky the rest of the day. It was like a sugar rush, but I don't get those. So i'm trying to feed my body, give it the energy it lost. And I know that all this food sabotaged my diet, and I hate it, because now we're back to being anxious again. What is wrong with this? I didn't eat a whole lot more than I normally do, and besides, my body needed the energy.
Not sure what's going on here.... I wish that I did though. I'm not anxious because of the food, but I still feel kinda nautious..... like I do when I don't eat... Hm.

Day 25: Something that you miss

Hmm... Something I miss..... Does Cimiron count?
If he does, then he's the one person I miss right now.

If he doesn't then uhh..... I miss summer. I miss being able to sleep in, I miss being able to go to bed late, hanging out with friends, going to Denver, not worrying about anything. I miss being so free, and with the start of school, it also means that Winter will be around soon, and that means cold.
I like cooler weather, but not cold weather. I don't know why.

Day 24: Your favorite movie, and what's it about?

My favorite movie hands down is V for Vendetta. If you've never seen it, here's a short summary.
A shadowy freedom fighter known only as "V" uses terrorist tactics to fight against his totalitarian society. Upon rescuing a girl from the secret police, he also find his best chance at having an ally.

Everything (^-^)

I haven't posted in a while, other than the 30 Day challenge thing.

So I thought I'd just spill everything, so that I can share with the world my amazing-ness. Just kidding, I'm not that conceded... but here's everything!
So school has started, and I love Psychology. My teacher makes everything so much fun, and he's teaching me things about myself that I never would have thought would be true. But after thinking about it actually, I found that there is a lot of truth to it. It's interesting.
Other than that, I'm not too excited with my classes. They're all normal Junior classes, and though Chemistry is kinda cool, I don't really like the teachers. And liking the teachers = liking the class. So that's not going to happen. I can tolerate it for a year though. I have to. Senior year will be different.
I slept in this morning, because I didn't have to be at school until about 8, and I've found out that sleeping in is a really bad idea, because then when I get up, I'm so disoriented that I can't think straight, and I often forget things. Today wasn't a bad day at all, and neither was yesterday.
Both days I haven't really thought about my weight. Though I'm kinda playing a game. I'll let you in on what it is, so long as you don't judge me for it, or make me stop.
Here's the game. In the morning, I usually put a snack in a baggie, today it was some Cheetos and some crackers. And since I hate eating lunch at school, thanks to the fact that the cafeteria is busy as hell, and that I hate social situations. So I've been eating breakfast, usually because I'm forced to by my grandparents, and then I skip lunch. Now, lunch is usually at like 10:45 in the morning for me, so that's a bit early to eat lunch. And I knew that I couldn't eat during any of my classes, so then after school, only then was I able to eat it. But the feeling of being hungry between then, well I can't say I didn't like it. I felt really light, like I could do anything. And now I'm about to head off to eat dinner, because while I may have skipped breakfast and lunch, I know that I need to eat, so I shall.
I found this blog, written by a girl my age, who has been struggling with Bulimia as well. She isn't sure if she wants to recover, and she is having a really hard time breaking the cycle of Binging and Purging. I know exactly how that is, as I was there not too long ago. It's kinda nice to find someone my age, who's in the same stuck place as me, and who gets it. I mean, I'm on my way to recovery, and finally being healthy.
I've decided to try a diet, to try to get to the weight that I want to be at, without doing it the unhealthy way. This is going to be difficult, but I can do it. And then once I set something up, I will be in the perfect place to start running, and doing cardio as well as other working out stuff. I shall get in shape! And now, I have a larger motivation! I can do it!
I don't exactly know what is different about this year, but I find it easier to be open, more friendly. I am helping strangers, I feel more giving, less like I have to be alone. Maybe it's because I don't have to hide anymore, but I also think that it is because I'm finally beginning to set some goals for myself. I am getting somewhere, and that is amazing. I am excited for school, and I hope that it goes well, as colleges are going to be looking at me soon. I am very bad at taking tests, but maybe when I get to the ACT/SAT point, I'll be better. I sure do hope so.
That's what I've been up to recently, and I hope this good mood can continue. Other than my game at school, and in the mornings, I haven't thought about weight, but when I have, it's been positive, as I am excited to start my exercise. That's a nice change, and I hope it sticks!
How is everyone else's day? If you read my blog and want to comment. Nobody has, and I feel a little weird asking it. But oh well, it's said and done! I'd love to hear about what other people are up to xD

Day 23: 20 Random Facts About You

1. I love cheesecake, even though it's bad for you :D
2. My favorite color is yellow.
3. My middle name is Jazzman.
4. I open up to people pretty easily, and I hate it!
5. I cannot hold a grudge to save my life.
6. I'm 5'8" tall, I think.
7. I've never tried Frozen Yogurt.
8. I love to say Yogurt in a British accent. :D
9. I technically died when I was five, while at the Dentist.
10. Due to fact number 9, I am inadvertently TERRIFIED of going to the dentist, to this day.
11. I love to read.
12. I have horrible balance, and therefore trip over my feet about 20 times a day.
13. You wouldn't believe it from looking at me when i'm with my friends, but i'm horribly shy, and I hate social situations unless I have a friend there.
14. I often get irritated with people who can't have an actual conversation with me.
15. I wish I owned a Puffer fish. Better known as a blowfish.
16. I am an amazing liar, but I never lie to people that really matter to me. Which is like 2 people. If you lie to me though, I may just give up on not lying to you.
17. My favorite letter of the alphabet is E.
18. I don't really have a religion, but if I had to have one, then i'd say that i'm Wiccan. I do practice occasionally, but not every day.
19. I love to dance in public, even though I can't dance to save my life!
20. I never cry when i'm upset or sad. I only cry if i'm pissed off. And rarely am I ever mad enough to cry.

Day 22: Bullet your whole day!

My day wasn't too interesting, seeing as I had school, but here it goes.

• Woke up at 6 am. Got dressed.
• Ate some cheerio's for breakfast.
• Packed all my stuff for school.
• Went in and said hi to my puppy.
• Grabbed my Ipod and left for school.
• Got to school and walked inside to the Counseling Office to change my Schedule.
• Then realized I couldn't change anything, so I went to the rest of my classes.
• Left school and went to the store to get some sandals to wear to a friends wedding this weekend. (:
• Got home, was hungry so I ate some grapes, and some cheese and crackers.
• Got on the computer, and started writing my story, writing a blog post, and talking to Cimiron.
• Ate Dinner. I had noodles, with Garlic Bread.
• Read a book called Stick Figure: A Diary Of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb.
• Took a shower.
• Heading off to bed to get up early in the morning for school! Yay! (:

Amazingness!

Today was an amazing day!!! My psychology teacher gave us a test in which we had to answer a bunch of questions, and it was so easy to over think them, so I only got 3/20. But it was so much fun, and since it didn't actually count as a grade, I had a lot of fun! I can't wait to take his class! And chemistry was amazing too, we got to play with chemicals, so that was kinda nice!
I'm doing my best to not be so anti-social, which is working out pretty well! Haha people keep looking at me weird, because I say the weirdest things, but hey, it's good to stand out! I also wore bright red pants today, and a Bob Marley shirt, and people kept asking me if they could buy it... It was weird, but I loved it! I love this school year!! And it's only the second day!! Well that's really all I have to say for today, maybe i'll write more tomorrow! (:

Day 21: A photo of something that makes you happy!

Hmm...... What makes me happy?

A LOT OF THINGS!!!! Here's a few!

MY VIOLIN!!!!! I love my violin so much!

Music ALWAYS makes me happy!!!

Beaches are very nice, you can't not smile at the view! (:

Chocolate covered peanuts.... :D

I've never been a huge chocolate fan, I mean I love love love Reese's!!! But otherwise, I don't eat too much chocolate.
But today, I got some Chocolate Covered Peanuts, and I couldn't stop eating them! They are SO good, and they made me smile!!!! I ate them so quickly, I didn't even realize! Then I proceeded to steal some of my grandpa's since I wanted more! Right before dinner time too!
Haha they are my new weakness, and they are also my new favorite candy/snack!!!! They aren't the best for me, but I don't care!!!! They are so yummy, and they make me happy because I just want to smile when I'm eating them. The best part?!?!? THEY'RE ONLY A DOLLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I cannot tell you how happy that makes me, and though it probably doesn't matter to the world, I just wanted to share that. (:

First day of the best year of my life!

I am so excited for this school year! It's gonna be amazing, I'm gonna be a new person, I've got things to look forward to, and it's gonna be great! I no longer have to worry about my ED, well mostly, I can be myself, and not the antisocial person I was before!

I have Colorguard, which is going to be amazing, because this season we've got a bunch of new people! Though that doesn't start till December.

I have my friends, who I can have a great time with, even the ones that are far away! 

And I have myself, my music, and I'm determined to be happy!

I am going to live this year for myself, so that I don't have to regret my High School Years! I am making this my time, and I'm gonna love it! :D

I'm even making myself some french toast, since it sounded yummy!!!! It's got Cinnamon in it!!!! Today is going to be great! :D I can already tell!

So excited to be a JUNIOR!!! I'm finally an upperclassman, but I'm not gonna be a bully about it. I'm just gonna enjoy it! I've even got Sociology and Psychology, as well as Forensic Science to look forward too!

Day 20: The reason behind your blog name!

There wasn't really ever any reason behind my blog name, actually, other than just wanting to make it as much me as possible. My blog was created as a space to vent, to put it all out there, so that when I look back over it, I can see where I've been, how I've changed, how I handled certain situations. I guess that was just my way to creatively name my blog, and now it is where it is. (: