I've done nothing at WarrenTech, other than help Yashka (my boss pretty much) move rooms. And help set up her lab.
But in the 17 kids that are in ss, two of them are guys. 15 are girls. Skinny girls. Very thin, very beautiful.
One girl's hipbones poke through her skin gently. It's beautiful. She's stick thin, and I'm so jealous. I can't help wondering if she has an eating disorder too, but I'm just jealous.
It's so triggering being here, but I can't say I 100% mind. As it is, I really want to cut. I know I will, because my state of mind is so negative at this point. I guess I just have to ride it out.
It's our break now, and everyone's eating food. I'm so hungry, and I think the smells of their chips and pringles and stuff is fucking with my brain. I wish I could let myself.. But empty is strong. Empty is pure. Everything is finally out of my system, and I refuse to pollute my insides with that garbage.
It's cold here, but I'm always cold. I think people have seen my scars and my recent cuts and are judging me. Who am I kidding. Of course they're judging me. Why would they judge me? I'm disgusting. I'm the only fat one in this entire class and I'm disgusted with myself. I just want out of here.
I just want to get away. I want to disappear.

I Wanna Back Out

I just got to WarrenTech and I'm already dreading it. I'm feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of being here for an entire year and I have so much anxiety.
I wish I could back out and not go here and just go to my normal school. But I want this. I want to be here, but I'm so scared. I'm filled with so much anxiety and fear right now. Thinking about all the things we have to do (science fair thing, dissecting a cat, dissecting a human, etc.) I don't know if I can do it. I want to leave.... I don't want to be here. I can't do this.

....

Today was my first actual day of school. I had both of my classes, but I haven't been to WarrenTech yet. The classes were alright. I like Pre-Calc/Trig but I'm not too sure about AP Lit. He started us off by making us get into groups, and he said that groups were going to be a central part to the class. I have social anxiety and I got a panic attack while in that class, so I'm still really nervous about it.
I'm nervous about WarrenTech too, but I won't know until later.

Guilt. That's all I feel. Guilt that my grandpa has to drive me to school, then pick me up, then drive me to WarrenTech, then pick me up from there, and possibly take me home. If I go home, then S is going to have to take me to school. Everyone is sacrificing their time for me and I feel so guilty.
I want to cut. I want to not need them. I want to stop owing them. I want to stop needing. I *will* stop needing. I just hate this..

Suicide's Note

The calm,
Cool face of the river
Asked me for a kiss.
- Langston Hughes

Insomnia?

What is it with me and not being able to sleep? I honestly tried. But it's now 2am and I have to get up at 6:30 to take a shower and get ready for school.
I'm really hungry, right now. I love this feeling. I feel light as a feather, like I could float away. I'm fasting today too, I hope. More of my day should be spent at school (7am to 3:30pm) so that's less time to eat.
When I lay on my side, I can feel my hipbones and my ribs. I realized that I have a wide ribcage, ugh. I wish it was little. I wish I was little.
I don't know what my weight is right now, and it's killing me. I want to know so badly. But no. I'm still so bloated, and if I weigh myself now, then I will just get pissed. You know when you get the feeling that you can actually feel yourself getting thinner, through starving? Yeah, I have that. But I'm so scared that starving isn't enough. Guess I'll find out in a few days.
I talked to Cimiron last night and he basically made me promise to tell him when I engaged in my "behaviors". Y'know, cutting, laxatives, caffeine pills, my ED habits, suicidal tendencies, etc. So I promised that I would at least try. But I don't know how well that is going to work. He says he wants to help, and that he wants to at least know what's going on, even if he can't stop me. But I feel so much guilt and selfishness over it that I don't know how it will go. I just feel so bad. So guilty. But I guess I'll see.
School in 4 hours... My first day of WarrenTech... Wish me luck!! Maybe I can sleep a little before I have to get up.. But insomnia sucks ass. -_- Happy Tuesday!

Liquid Fast Not Entirely Ruined

Today was supposed to be a liquid fast, and then I got forced into food. Luckily, my intake has only been 425. I walked 1.2 miles, and burned 96 cals. So my net is currently 329 cals. I'm going to go for another walk when it cools down, and maybe a run. I'll burn off all of these calories, and more!
I am not weighing myself because I'm currently on my period, bloated as fuck, and I feel disgusting. But soon I will weigh myself, once I'm not bloated and off my period. My weight *has got* to down. At least 3 more days to go.
I'll post an update later.

Not Making Sense...

But it's a bittersweet happiness. If you can call it that.

There's a difference between who I was 2 weeks ago and who I am now.
Talking to people, I found out that most people would gladly out my secrets, with no second thoughts.
Let me tell you, it's a crazy feeling when you realize who you can trust. So far, that's only one person, really. I'm sure there are more, but do I need them? I have myself, and that should be enough.
Two weeks ago, I was on the verge of ending everything. I've been in that state of mind for a few months now, or really about a year. I've been so close to making that choice, but something has always pulled me back. Even if I don't want that choice, and I don't want the second chance, I am given it. Which I am thankful for. In my own twisted way.
I'm learning to not be so open as a person, and I'm learning that more people prefer me if I am happy. Even if I'm faking it. Going back to school, I know that I am going to push myself, and I know that I am going to meet every goal I set for myself. No failures.
The things I have learned are crazy, but I can truly appreciate how I have learned them. Fuck everyone else, I only need to be happy with myself. (:

Need To Hide

I'm freaking out because I just followed a blog, and it showed up with my first and last name. I don't want anyone to be able to link me like that, because then they will discover this blog. I don't know how I can make it so that nobody can connect this blog to me.
Maybe it's just me being paranoid, because it's not like I really care about anyone finding this blog, but I guess I just fear my family finding out. I don't want them to find out about my self harm, my eating disorder, or anything else.

What can I do? I don't want to delete my blog, I just want to hide for 6 more months until I can turn 18. Then nobody can do anything to me and I'll be safe... Anyone know anything to help?

A Glimpse

At 12:25 this morning, vegetables (180) and some bread (?) snuck their way into my mouth before I could stitch my lips shut.
24 hour fast completed, just in time for my monthly visitor and bloating from hell.
At 12:25 this morning, a sliver of cookie-dough slithered into my mouth and between all the words of protest yet to be spoken.
At 12:26 this morning, the blade etched fourteen perfect little lines of strength into my skin. "Not enough" the voice whispered in my head. "More..." said the demons in the kitchen. "Deeper, deeper, deeper" chanted Ana. Punishment for not staying strong. But only a glimpse of the self destruction yet to come.
With blood running down my thigh, I can't help but to feel a tiny twinge of satisfaction as the pain erases everything. Only momentarily, though. The proof is written all over my body. "More" says the voice. "Not good enough." "Worthless." "Failure."
Shivers race down my spine, and I know I am alone in this perfect moment. Pain humming through my body, nerves standing on end, mind finally quiet. The only moments of peace I have, anymore.
I put the blade away, promising to limit myself. But as I slide into bed and lay my head on the pillow, a small smile crosses my lips. I know my friend and I have time yet to come, with no limits to be had.

Just Another Saturday

I'm fasting today.
I binged *all day* yesterday, and it was horrid. I'm not even getting into the end caloric result. But I'm hoping that after fasting today, I can lose some weight. So far today I've had a cup of coffee, and now I'm drinking diet Dr. Pepper. Then the rest of the day is water. I'll see results tomorrow morning.

I don't really have any plans for today. School starts on Monday, but I only have 30 minutes of classes that day. Tuesday is when WarrenTech starts.
This morning I picked up dog shit, to pay for my bus pass. They're kind of expensive ($39.50/month) but I need one for school. Otherwise, I'm just going to take it easy and clean my room. Listen to music, enjoy the sunshine. Relax, or at least try to. My summer has been pretty satisfying in terms of enjoying myself. Weight-wise, it failed horribly. But now that winter is coming, I can lose more weight. I am determined to reach 115 by next August. 1 year. I can do it!

What A Joke

When I die I am going to burn in hell.
Fuck everything.
I can't do this anymore.

Binge control?!

I swear to god I need to stop binging. I keep trying to stop it, get out of the house, stay busy. But it's not working. It works as long as I'm away, but once I'm home, it's almost inevitable. I'm gaining so much weight.
I need to stop. Someone help me!

Just Another Day

I had plans to go hang out with my mom today, but those plans failed. I ended up getting an AP Lit and Comp prep book, so that should help me study. But it feels like I don't have time.
I'm frustrated because a friend has my flash drive, and I can't get it from him until 5:30. So basically, not at all. I have no way of getting down there and I'm enough of a burden as it is.
I hate myself. I hate the way I talk. The way I think. I hate the way my legs touch. I hate my body. I hate being a failure. I hate being fat. I hate being stressed, and living in this house, and I hate my roommates dog. I hate how nothing is good enough. I hate that I'm so negative. I hate that I hurt so much.
I hate everything.
I just want to make it all go away.

Rant and What Else?

I feel like everyone is always getting on me about either
1. Getting a job.
2. Getting into college
3. Going to Amsterdam and managing school
4. Chores that I need to do.
No matter what, I always hear all 4 of those things at least twice a day. But not even just as reminders anymore. My dad talks to me like I can't possibly be smart enough to remember any of that for more than a day. Like I can't possible be smart enough to do it on my own. He talks to me like I have no potential to do anything in life, like I'm worthless. My grandparents constantly remind me like I can't remember that I need to do those things. Like they're expecting me to fail.
I spent the day at a friends' and his mom dropped me off at my grandparent's because she didn't feel like driving all the way over to my dad's. Well my grandparents weren't home and they didn't get home until like 9:45pm. Which is too late for them to drive me over to my dad's. I was in the kitchen, and my grandpa asked me if I had done my chores at home. But he said it in a condescending way. So I freaked out. I started getting upset, and yelling, and trying to get away from him. Then my grandma started in.

I feel like when it comes to my grandparents, or my dad, or my roommates, I have such a hatred for the way they treat me deep inside. I am always angry, and I can never just talk to them. It always turns into arguments, or someone getting angry. Don't get me wrong, I love them. I love my grandpa the most, I think. I don't know why. Whenever I think about how old he is and the fact that he won't always be around, and that some day I will lose him, I start crying uncontrollably. I cannot imagine my life without him. He's the closest person to me, in my family. He is more of a father to me than my dad. I feel so bad when I yell at him or get angry. When I start arguments. Afterwards, I can never say sorry, even if I am sorry for starting the argument. I don't know why, but I can't say sorry.
Whenever I tell him that I love him, he always tells me that I only love him because he drives me everywhere and because he does things for me. Normally I would think he's joking... But a lot of the time I wonder if he's serious. If he really thinks that... I couldn't live with myself if he thought that. He means so much more to me than that. I just don't know how to show it. Even now, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I don't know how I can show him that I really do love him. I don't know how to show him what he means to me. I realize that I could very well lose him tomorrow, and that if he doesn't know how much he means to me, he never will. But I just don't know how to show him.

There is so much pain inside me. Times like these, I remember why I turn to Anorexia and to cutting. To drugs. Because this pain is too hard to feel. It's too much to feel, and it's pulling me down. I feel pain for the pain I cause other people, for the burden that I am to everyone. For being needy. For being angry. For not being perfect. I have a fear that I could lose them tomorrow and that they would never truly know what they mean to me. I want to explain what he means to me... but I just don't know how. I feel like I can't just go up to him and give him a hug. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being really over emotional..

I'm fucked.

They're putting me in an AP class. Oh my god. I'm having a panic attack. I'm gonna fail and not get into college and never move or do anything with my life and I'm freaking out and oh my god. Fuckfuckfuck....

I didn't request the course. I didn't. They don't let people change courses either, because they build base the number of class periods that they offer a certain class on the number of students that want to take it. So they don't let people drop. But I know the grades that people get in that class. I know how even kids that are smarter than me barely get B's in that class. I barely have a 3.0 GPA now. Last year I had a 4.0.... It went down all because I failed Chemistry. My Freshman Year, I almost failed Algebra I. My Sophomore year I failed Geometry. My Junior year, I failed Chemistry. My Senior year... I'm gonna fail AP English.
If I fail it... I don't even want to go there.
You may say that it isn't the end of the world, but to me it is. I need to get this class, and I need to get into one of the colleges I want to go to in NY. If I don't... I don't know what I will do. Failing yet again is just not an option for me...

My To-Do..

I've got a lot of errands to run today, just randim things. But I'm busybusybusy. I can't really say I'm complaining that I'm busy. That will help me skip eating.
Since fasting doesn't seem to be working for me right now, I'm gonna restrict. Which means 200 or less. I'm thinking of doing a 5 day thing where I start at 500 calories and work my way back into fasting by cutting 100 calories a day. What do you think?

I'll post my weight in a few hours once I get all the liquids out of me. I'm honesly expecting a 5 or 6 lb gain, if not more. I know I'm gonna hate the number the scale says, but I deserve only that. I've binged for like a week now. I don't know why. Maybe it's hormones. But it has to stop.

So that's my exciting day... I start school in 4 days. I really don't want to go back.. But I guess I will. xD I'm really hoping they let me change my schedule. I have to be at school at 7, but I get to leave at 9. Just for that first day. I still don't know how I'm getting from school to WarrenTech or from WarrenTech to my house. I get out of WarrenTech at 3:30, and can't catch a bus till 4. I would not be getting home every night until like 6:30 or so. No way. Not doing it. That's bullshit. Sorry for the little rant...

Weight update to come. (:

No Pressure Eh?

I'm still working on getting a job. I'm applying to places and trying to get a job, but that's hard. I don't have much job experience, only volunteer work. I need to make a resume if I am to get a job, but I have nothing to put on it.
Everyone is like "you need to pay for this" and "getajobgetajobgetajob" and "planthis" and "studyforschool" and "applytocollege" and perfect, perfect, perfect. Everything has to be perfect. Everything less than that is not good enough, and not acceptable.
Whatever. You put me under pressure, I put myself under pressure, school is my pressure, and I am fucking cracking. Ugh.

Dreamer... I am.

Gazing through the window at the world outside,
Wondering will mother earth survive,
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her,
Sometime.
After all there's only just the two of us,
And here we are still fighting for our lives,
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time.
I'm just a dreamer,
I dream my life away...
I'm just a dreamer,
Who dreams of better days...
I watch the sun go down like every one of us,
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign,
A better place for those who will come after us, this time.

Your higher power may be god or jesus christ,
It doesn't really matter much to me.
Without each other's help,
There ain't no hope for us.
I'm living in a dream of fantasy.

If only we could find serenity,
It would be nice if we could all live as one.
When will all this anger, hate, and bigger dreams be gone?

It's crazy to see how the world is changing so quickly, when I'm stuck in the same place. Here, there, everywhere.
But ultimately nowhere.

Weigh-In Tomorrow

I haven't been home at all today. So no weighing myself. I'm not sure whether I am happy or stressed about that.
It's probably good that I haven'td myself today. But fuuck. I hate this not knowing. I hate this over-thinking. I hate this anticipation. At this rate, I won't even be home tomorrow to weigh myself. Ugh. I have to eat dinner too... Fuck.
I'm gonna exercise it all off tonight, and I'm restricting tomorrow. Less than 200, excluding liquids. The only liquids I'm allowing myself tomorrow are maybe an otter pop (60) or water. No exceptions.

I know that I need to limit my self harm... I promised Cimiron. So far that isn't really going well. I *almost* can't wait for winter to be here because then I can wear hoodies and long sleeved shirts and it will all be easier to hide. Stupid, I know. But that's the life of a cutter, I guess. For once, I'm actually not repulsed that that is my identity. I'm a cutter, that's all I am. Or one of the very few things, anyways. But I'm not ashamed of that. For once. I hope it lasts..

One Mistake Too Many.

I'm starting to remember why I don't hang out with certain people.
As it is, I'm gonna be walking for the next 6 - 8 fucking hours. Just walking. No stopping. How many calories does that burn? I don't want to do the math.
I'm so angry right now. I wish I had my knife. I'd end it right here right now. I'm so tired of failing. Fuck everything. More than fuck everything. I'm leaving.

Day 1 - Fasting!

Breakfast. xD

Self Harm Is Not A Joke

Some people... I just want to punch them. I told a friend of mine about my self harm a while back, out of trust. He didn't self harm, and said he couldn't understand why I did it. A little while later he got upset over something, and "cut". He sent me a picture of a few scratches he made, and such.
Then just a few hours ago, he once again... I don't even know. He was upset about his grades, as I guess they weren't that great. He said "It's good to self harm but I can't find the knife I used before." Maybe I'm just being really insensitive, but just from talking to him.. It feels like he only says/does these things with self harm to mock me. I could be totally wrong, and it has occurred to me that if he's resorting to at least faking self harm, he still has a problem. But for some reason, on some level, it offends me. Quite a bit, actually.
I wish I had never told anyone about my self harm. Ever. I'm honestly considering not talking to him anymore.. Just because he doesn't seem to be any good for me. I don't know though. Right now I'm just really pissed off that he had the audacity to say that, and in such a way. Ugh.

What Is There To Fear?

I just woke up... Really scared. Of what, I don't know. But its the limb cramping, make-you-sick-to-your-stomach, panicky sort of fear. I hate this..

Motivation

I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition earlier today. This woman was 24, and she was adopted. It had caused here a lot of emotional pain through out the years. Her highest weight was over 400lbs, she said, but her goal was to be 155. She lost 80 lbs in the first 90 days, and then lost more and more. She even had her goal weight tattooed on her body, because she said she was going to reach it. I thought this was incredibly inspiring, because after only 3 months of training, and going from being sedentary to running, she ran a 28.2 mile marathon. It was really inspiring for me to see what she could accomplish. To see how she worked for it, and how determined she was. There was more to it, but I am probably not making much sense right now. I'm.... not right. I'll just say that.

So with the above being said, I have binged for the last 4 days straight. I've refused to weigh myself, but tomorrow I will, just to assess the damage. I am expecting a 4 or 5 lb gain, to be honest. And a lot of repercussions. I guess I'll see. It seems like every time I finally hit a goal weight, I seem to go and fuck it up. I'm a failure at everything.

I have one year to reach 115. My UGW. I have a hell of a long way to go, but I am going to be restricting as much as possible. Once I break this binge cycle, hopefully tomorrow, I will start fasting. I have binged for 4 days, so therefore I am going to fast-restrict-fast-restrict for 4 days. With restricting being under 200 calories. I can do this. When I finally move up to New York, I will not be the same person I was down here. I refuse to do that. No fucking way.
I need to keep on track. I need to stay motivated. I'm currently trying to get some money for proper running shoes since the only shoes I own are Converse. They suck for running in. Once I get those, I am going to be running at least 3 days a week. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be on a weight loss challenge. Or a determination. It will be hard, because my roommates like to buy shit food, but I am going to do it. My dad leaves for out of town again tomorrow, and that means I have until September (Also when I go to Amsterdam) to fast as much as I can. No more fucking up. I know that Cimiron says that he loves me just the way I am, but I can't do this anymore. I cannot stay in this body another day. With that being said, I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I will post my weight on here. I'm hoping that it will finally make me accountable. I will also be posting my exercise daily, for a little while. Just so that I can be accountable, to myself. Is that going to bother anyone?
I am going to do this. I will reach 115. I will write it all over my hands and all over my room, if I have to. But I am going to do it.

Next year I only have 2 classes, and WarrenTech.. I'm hoping that as I will be in WarrenTech most of the time, that will allow me to focus on more of my studies. I've got to be perfect this year. I have the ACT and the SAT to take in October, I have colleges to apply to, I have to apply for Fafsa, as well as scholarships. I have no fucking idea how to do any of this, and it's giving me anxiety and panic attacks. It's my Senior year of high school. I have to talk to F, the counselor who ousted me for cutting. I really don't want to talk to him, but I hope that I can face it. I have no intentions of letting anyone get in my way of achieving all of this.

So in short, here's my goals for the next year:
1. Reach 115, finally.
2. Get at least in A in both my classes and WarrenTech
3. Apply to colleges.
4. Fill out Fafsa.
5. Start planning to move out.
6. Start saving money to move/get a car.
7.Get my license.
8. Get a car.
9. Take the ACT.
10. Take the SAT.

Those are my goals. I can do it. I will need support though, but determination alone is all I have, really. Nobody sticks around long enough to support. So there is my short update. I'll post my weight in the morning, as well as my plan. For now though, it's time to sleep. Or at least pretend to. I rarely sleep anymore..

Aaaaaannnnd...

Cimiron left... like yesterday...
I crashed low. I fell hard. I puked. I cut.

I need to get my shit together, but I can't find the energy or willpower to do so..

X_x

If anyone has ever felt what I feel with such intensity as I feel it... How can they survive? There is no surviving this..
Someone please fucking kill me.

No Not Yet...

Today was alright. Cimiron leaves in 3 days... And I spent a day with him and my mom. My mom and I almost got caught being together, and I'm mad at her for a comment she made to me. She always tells me I'm fat.
Then I got forced into dinner, thinking about cutting with every bite. Cimiron tried to help, but he couldn't take away the fat feelings. Every bite was a struggle.
I registered for school today too. I start on the 19th. Ugh. I've really only got 3 classes. I have Pre-Calc/Trig and AP Lit and Comp. Then I've got WarrenTech for the rest of the day with one or two off hours. I'm so scared to start school because the pressure is on. I need perfect grades, and I need to retake the ACT as well as the SAT. I need to get into college and start applying. I need help with all of that, which means talking to a counselor. The very counselor who outed me for cutting. *Que panic attack* I don't want to talk to him. Everything in me is screaming to run the other way. Everything in me is screaming that I'm justnotgoodenough.
I'm scared that moving to New York when I graduate isn't going to happen. I'm scared that I'll get stuck here. All of my dreams are in NY.

In other news, I failed to weigh my fat ass this morning. I'm too scared of the number. I'm too scared to see the failure, written all over me. I'm scared that I can't be perfect.
I need someone to help me. I need something. But what?

My dad and S got back today, so no more babysitting. But my dad is still being as much of a dick as he was before he left. So nothing has changed there. Glad to know something is normal in my life.

That was pretty much my day. Tomorrow I go hang with Cimiron (if I can drag myself out of bed). For now though, I'm going to try to sleep and forget everything. I don't want to remember.

Fasting!!

I decided that I was going to do a fast today, just because I have finally got all of the gross food out of me. I don't want to put any back in. I feel good, actually. Pure. This is why I love to fast. It guarantees that I will lose weight, at least a little. Which I really need. I'm going to try to keep as busy today as I can, just so that I don't feel so tempted to eat.
Part of me wants to do ABC again, but it seems like every time I do that somehow it gets fucked up and I have to stop. Maybe I'll start ABC fresh and clean in September, right in time for my trip to Amsterdam. For the rest of August, my goal is to lose at least 6 lbs. Which shouldn't be too hard because most of the time I am eating anyways, and my body knows that. So I'm going to try to fast as much this month as I can. I really hope I can reach my goal. It will be difficult, but not impossible.
Anyone want to do a fasting challenge with me? Comment below, if so. We can start tomorrow.

** Update: 17 hours so far in my fast. I've only had like 120 calories in liquid, which was juice. I'm trying to keep my blood sugar up as much as I can so I don't get as hungry and the chances of me eating are less.

This week with my roommate has been shit. I try not to be home because that only stresses me out and I hate it. My dad and S get back on Thursday, and Cimiron leaves on Sunday.

Cimiron. I have no idea how I am going to handle that. It's become almost natural for him to be here. It's become like an everyday thing to know that he is here and that I can talk to him, and that I can see him. With him gone, I don't know how I'm going to feel.

But I know that I'm giving myself one year to reach my ugw. No more than that. I need to be strict with myself. I need to be perfect. I can't really mess up.

I took Cimiron over to meet my mom, and he seems to like her. Which is a good sign, I guess. We're going back over there today. I like being over there, but I don't at the same time.

I'm still cutting, but it's getting to be a struggle to hide. I'm working on it. The other day, I asked a friend of mine who is a well known drug user/dealer if she'd get me some Ecstasy. Her only response was "No. You should stick to weed, dude." That's all fine and dandy, I get that. But you can't stop me if that is what I wish to do. I'll just find someone else to get it from, I guess. I know I shouldn't, but something in me wants to.

I'll try to post again later today, hopefully making a little more sense. Haha. I'm enjoying the sunshine, and Cimiron. He likes to joke a lot at my expense, but hey. I guess it's good that I have a sense of humor. Right? 

Fake It Until You Make It

I've been having arguments with Cimiron lately. We've never fought up until now. I started it, and only I can end it.
Exactly 24 hours ago, I cut for the first time in about 2 weeks. I had been fighting it for Cimiron, but I couldn't fight anymore. He refused to give me a hug then. We fought because I am preventing us from being together. He thinks it's his fault, I feel trapped. I have so much guilt over everything I tell him, even the small things. I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know how to stop it.
I understand that he wants to help. But I don't know how to let him. After he saw the cuts, he told me that he was going to start denying me little things. This time it was hugging me, the next would be cuddling, etc. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I love him so much, but I feel like I'm gonna lose him. I told him that if he started taking things like that away from me, there would eventually be no "us" left. I also honestly told him that if he wanted to go, I would let him. I wouldn't like it, and I don't want him to go, but I told him I would accept it. In which case, he repeatedly told me that he didn't want to leave, that he loved me, and that he wasn't going anywhere.
I feel like things are so complicated with him. Like I don't know how to simplify them. I want to bottle everything up and just pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it, right? But that's bullshit too, because I tried that. It only made me feel worse.

S's daughter and I are staying here for a week, while S is out helping my dad. S's daughter is fifteen, but she is dating someone who looked to be about nineteen. I told my dad that I was not going to babysit her daughter while she was gone. But still, I am stuck babysitting. Anyways, she had her boyfriend over and my grandparents stopped by. They freaked out and made her call her mom and my dad to tell them that he was here. My dad called me and now he is acting like it's my fault that she brought her boyfriend over. Like I should have been watching her closely and like I had the power to make him leave. Now my dad has restricted me to not allowing anyone over at my house. I'm not supposed to go anywhere, but Cimiron and I only have 8 days left to be together, and he is doing family things until Tuesday. So I'm running short on time to see him, but I'm trying not to think about it.
That's all I am anymore. Trying not to think about things. Don't think don't think don't think. If I ignore it then it will eventually go away.
I wish. I wish that could be true. I wish I could just erase myself. I wish I could just hide away. I wish I had never left a mark on this earth, or in anyone's lives. I wish I never existed. Honestly.

I am truly no longer worthy of being around other human beings. What the fuck ever.
I need help myself. I am falling apart strong. I can't can do this on my own.

Letting It Out

I'm finding it really hard to trust anyone right now. Even myself.
I'm at such odds with myself that it's nearly impossible to know what I am anymore.
It goes without doubt that the person I trust most in my life right now is Cimiron. After all I have talked to him about and told him, and after all he has seen of me - Both good and bad - he is still here. He still loves me. Which is huge, because I never expected him to stick around. But I'm so glad that he has. Though now, I'm complicating things. I feel such intense guilt over everything I have told him and every time I need him. I feel selfish. I feel stupid, needy, and weak. He doesn't know how to help me a lot of the time, and I can see the way it hurts him when I tell him certain things. I honestly think it would be better if I just left. I get to thinking sometimes that it would be better for him if I wasn't here, if I wasn't with him. But the pain I feel at that thought... No. I'm not even going there. I need him.
I made a deal with him a few days ago that I could stop telling him about my problems and reaching out to him if I promised to self harm less. But since then, I've had a sick feeling in my stomach. I can't really explain it. But it isn't right. I don't want to keep that deal anymore.

My mom, S, my dad, myself, I am just finding it really hard to trust people. The people I thought they were, they aren't anymore. Or maybe I wasn't looking right. I thought my roommate was on my side, because she had been letting Cimiron came oer and she hadn't been trying to be my mother. Not that I needed one of those. But then the other night I was laying with Cimiron on my bed and we had the lights off to watch my lava lamp and we had the door shut to keep the cold air from the swamp cooler out of my room. I had been cold. Anyways, about 30 minutes before that, S had called me and asked if I needed something from my grandparent's house (where she was) and I had old her that Cimiron and I were at the house> When she got home I didn't go say hey right away. After Cimiron left, she called my dad and they both flipped shit. She told my dad that I had been laying in my bed with Cimiron and the lights were off and the door was shut while she wasn't there. She also told him that I didn't do my chores yet, and my dad took it and blew it out of proportion. S put him on speakerphone and he told me that I wasn't allowed to have Cimiron over anymore, and that if I did he would fly me up to Minnesota in a heartbeat. He made sure to tell me that he would be up there until September too. Then he got on me for not doing my chores because that was disrespectful to S. I didn't say anything back and he asked me if I thought he was kidding. I made a smart ass remark and S started bitching at me saying I had no right to disrespect him because he was my dad. I just left.
It's not that I ever really thought that she was on my side - oftentimes people never are. I just thought that her and I had a mutual understanding that she would leave me alone if I left her alone. At least for the 6 months until I can move out. I'm a bit bitter over the fact that she is dating my dad too, if I am honest. I want him to be happy (or maybe I don't...) but I don't want him to date her while I am here. Not that I really have any say in that either. I just feel like I can't trust her after that. I've got so many secrets to hide.. I have to be careful. It's stupid.

I called my mom this morning, just to talk. One of the very first things she asked me was if I had taken a joint out of her room. Yes, I smoke weed, but damn. I didn't think she thought I was that kind of person, by any means. I told her that I hadn't even known it was there and that I wouldn't ever take anything from her. So she said she would look again. Then I called her later to see if she wanted to hang out and she said that she was going to call me back after she figured out what she was doing. So when I called back a few hours later, I figured we weren't going to be hanging out today. Which was fine by me. But I really needed a change of scenery and I asked her if it would be alright if I spent the night at her house. I told her I wasn't going to be bothering her, I would just pretty much be invisible. She was all like "Sure! If you don't steal any of my weed." Well, okay. I didn't think you thought I was that kind of person, because really, I'm not. I was as a younger child, but only briefly. My mom never knew me then either, and I am not that kind of person. I kind of felt the sting from that comment, and it made me second guess my decision to go up there tonight. If that is how she thinks of me, maybe I shouldn't go up there. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't around her and I wasn't up there. I don't really know what it is that compels me to go up there. Is it the need to know a person who was never in my life as a child? Is it because I know she can't tell me what to do and I like that. I don't know. I want to say that it has nothing to do with getting weed from her, but that would be lying. Yes, I do like that I can get weed from her. But I also help her trim. I work for her, and instead of paying me, she gives me weed. That's pretty much how it works. I'm most likely reading too far into this, but this is what my mind does. This is how I think.

I'm at odds with myself because I feel like there is too much of me. Too much emotion, too many thoughts, too much need, too much hate. Too much of me physically, not enough to make up for it. I swear, there is not enough space in a human to hate so much. But I guess there is. I don't hate anyone else, except for myself. I might hate my dad, but I don't think I really hate him. I've been thinking about that a lot too, and I've started to think that I cover up my hurt with my hate. Like I don't know how to feel emotional pain, so I hate him instead. As for why I would have emotional pain because of my dad - I think it's because I feel like he has never really loved me. I feel like he never really wanted to be my dad. I see him with other kids, like S's kids, and he's always fun and joking and laughing. But never with me. I used to try to do everything I could to please him, to make him happy, to make things easy for him. But deep in my heart... I feel like it was never enough.  Like there was nothing I could do to make him love me. I also think... I think that part of my self hate comes from that. Because I could never be enough. He's made me feel selfish on more than one occasion, and he's made me feel unwanted more times than I can count. I don't know if any of this makes sense. All I can do is try to explain what's going on inside of me.
I've been reading a book called "Why Forgive?" though I forget who it is by. It's a bunch of short stories from people who have been so wronged and they still forgive. People whose kids have been killed, learning to embrace the wrong and forgive, though not forget. It's about learning to expel the hatred in your heart and learn to forgive. If you hate, you cannot truly be happy. I guess that's why I started reading it. I thought that if I read a little bit about how other people could learn to forgive where they had been wronged, I could maybe start on that journey. It's not an easy thing to do, I know that. But it's possible, and I want something. I don't know what I want, but I want something. I need a change in my life.

Trust has never been an easy thing for me. But I'm not the only one, that's for sure. I don't even know where this post is going anymore... Just... yeah. I'm sorry.

It's Only A Fantasy

I want someone to talk to, like about everything, someone to understand. But I'm scared to form that type of connection with someone because they never last. I'm bad at forming lasting relationships with people. Regardless of the type of relationship. Friendship, aquaintance, loving relationship, etc. They only last so long - 2 months at most. It's frustrating to want something, especially when I know I can't have it.

Defy You Stars/Carson Allen/ Rumors Follow

Defy You Stars was pretty good, even if I didn't want to be there. Nikk is pretty epic, and Patrick is definitely cute! I don't know Maxx, but he seemed pretty cool.
We got a bunch of free merch, from Carson Allen, Ashes, and Places, all the bands that were performing with DYS.

As for eating, today I had some coco puffs for breakfast (I broke and ate them and it sucked!) and 2 bites of an elk hotdog with a few french fries after the concert (like right before midnight). So I guess the Elk counts for today. With that being said, I'm going to eat a little soup when I get home, but then fast for the rest of the day. Hopefully I won't crash - I have calories to burn. Then tomorrow I go to hang out with Cimiron.
Did you know I got him sick? I totally told him I was sick and he should stay away. But he said that he wasn't gonna get sick. We hung out for like 2 hours total, but now he's sick. So I feel so bad for him. But he's broke his fever at least, so he should start getting better soon. I've got to at least drop off some throat spray for him, just to help. But in the meantime, I really hope he gets better.

Today was sick! I enjoyed myself. Hopefully, tomorrow is better though! :D

Irrational

I'm being really over-sensitive.
I was watching the guitarist in Carson Allen (A band perforong with DYS) and he gave me a pick. I was so stoked, but just then my friend hit me and I dropped it. I can't really explain my reaction to that.
I was just fucking crushed. Pissed off. Especially since she also got a pick from the same guitarist.
I don't know. I just don't really want to be here for whatever reason. I'm trying to be normal. I'm trying to enjoy myself, and I am. A bit. But I'm just feeling crushed and pissed off for no specific reason. I don't understand it.

Too Much But Still Not Enough

I want to be so many things at once. I see fashion things and sometimes I think they're cute and I wish my style was like that, sometimes I see punk/rocker people and I wish I had a style like that, and sometimes I wish I looked like all these different styles. But I can't. I hate my style, but I don't even have one of those. I feel so out of place, so much of everything that I'm nothing, and just left here. I hate this.
I am lost. I'm nowhere but I'm here too. I want my life to be something I love. I want to go to parties and I want to be crazy. I want to meet people but I want to be alone too. I am nowhere, nothing.

Defy You Stars

I'm going to see a Defy You Stars concert tonight. They generally have good music, and I've seen them twice before. I love their concerts, but for some reason, this time I just don't want to go.
I am, of course. I have to. But I don't exactly want to.

My friend A is picking me up in about an hour. Hopefully by then I'll feel in the mood to go. I'm sure I'll enjoy it while I'm there and I will definitely write a post about it when I get back.

Anyone else like going to concerts? :D

My fault

I honestly think it's my own fault that I'm in a bad mood all the time.
I'm a pessimist.
I don't even know how to explain it, but I just know it's my fault. I let things get to me. I think things about myself that I would never have thought possible.
I know what buttons to push until I'm either super suicidal or emotionally fucked up enough to want to cut. I don't allow myself to be happy. I guess.
But nothing comes from this because I don't know how to change it.
It's my fault, and mine to deal with too.
I wish I could just hide from the world.
Soon.
Soon I will.

I Will Not Eat

I'm actually hungry. I'm hungry for the first time in 3 days, but I don't want to eat. I got roped into making pizza rolls and French fries for my grandparents and a visitor.
I don't intend on eating any. But they smell really good and I'm such a sucker for French fries, so I'm scared that I will.
I was really stoked this morning when I weighed myself and was down 7 lbs from 3 days ago. But I'm scared to let myself enjoy that because I am fearing that it won't last. I'm scared that I'll get happy about it and then I will gain weight back and be disappointed and start all over again.
I really don't want to eat. But I'm psyching myself out and I'm scared that I will.

I am hoping that as motivation to not eat, I can go look up thinspo and keep myself pure.
Empty is good.
Empty is strong.

I just need to stay away from the kitchen... And bullshit a lot so that nobody makes me eat. Sore throat still? I think yes.
I really hope I can do this.

Not Sick!! :D

So the doctor said that I'm not sick. He said that he thought that my inflamed tonsils were caused by my allergies. So basically I just need to use Nasonex or whatnot for my allergies and it should clear up my tonsils.
Nevertheless, my dad is still probably gonna stick me in the hospital to get my tonsils removed. Great.
I'm glad I'm not sick, but I'm still scared and worried about going to the hospital. I just need a little time for the cuts to heal and then I'd be so happy to go and get my tonsils out.
So there's my update. (:
Now, off to enjoy my day and the beautiful sunshine. And eat a ton of slurpees.
I'm so happy to know that I'm not sick!

Doctors and Weight Loss

I'm feeling much better today. Less sick. But I'm also going to the doctor today, so hopefully he'll prescribe me some anti-biotics.
Since being sick (i.e the last 3 days) I've lost 7 lbs. Some of that is water weight, but still. I'm stoked. They're gonna weigh me at the doctors and I'm so happy to know that at least I'll be down a little bit. Better than gaining weight.
I'm pretty happy to be getting anti-biotics so that I won't be sick anymore, but I'm not actually in the doctors yet so I don't know 100% what he will say or what I might be sick with.
I'm hoping for the best!

But 7lbs down!! :D Hopefully I can keep losing more weight.

The Hospital

My dad is putting me in the hospital to pump me with anti-biotics for my strep AND to remove my tonsils in the same day. I'm fucked...
I'm so scared that they're gonna see my legs and that they're gonna freak and tell my dad and he will freak and stick me in a psych ward.
I'm so scared... I don't want this. I wish I could just run away.. I don't want to go tomorrow!!!
I just need time. Just a little bit of time to let my cuts heal and then they can take me to the hospital and do whatever they wish. I can't go tomorrow...
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!

I'm so scared right now...

I've been sick with a cough for about a week or so now. But just last night/today it progressed to strep. I've still got my tonsils and therefore whenever I get strep they swell up and become an issue.

My dad and S are now talking about just taking me to the hospital to get my tonsils removed. But fuck! I'm freaking out because when you have surgery, they make you wear the gowns. If they make me wear one, they will see the cuts on my legs and then I'm really gonna be fucked.

I'm scared. I'm so so so scared. I don't want them to see my cuts. I don't know what to do. Fuckfuckfuck!!!!

Soaring Above Cloud Nine

I've had the most amazing night of my life.
I've discovered a new side of me, a side I like. Just a little.
I've discovered something I'm good at.
I've gotten closer to Cimiron, and I love how happy I can be when I'm just in his presence.

I got a new roommate - S's daughter. My dad also came home today. Both things that I'm not *all* too excited about, but right now nothing can bring me down.
I'm just happy. More than happy. This feeling is rare, and I really wish I could keep it around. But I don't think I can stay on cloud nine forever.

I think my cough might be turning/have turned into strep - which fucking sucks if it has. If so - ER here I come!
I have a wicked headache - though I'm hoping that after crashing, and sleeping well, I won't have such a wicked headache.
All the skin off of my burn got ripped off tonight, too. It hurts like a bitch. Really. But I'm hoping that too will scab over soon and heal soon thereafter.

Nothing can touch me right now. I'm invincible. Things haven't changed, not really. Right now... I'm perfectly okay though. We'll see how I feel tomorrow too.

I hope I don't get in too much trouble. Sorry if this post doesn't make sense. I'm tired, on cloud nine, and in pain all at once. Wonderful combination, right? But fuck it. I'm good right now. Reeeeeeaaaally good. ^-^ :D

Stuck In The Middle

I'm stuck in the middle. Basically nothing and nobody.
I mean, I'm not 100% Eating Disordered, but i'm not 100% ED free either.
I don't cut enough for it to be a problem, but I am not self harm free either.
I'm not suicidal enough, but I'm not okay either.
There is nothing wrong with me, but I'm not right either.

I'm just stuck in the middle, and I fucking hate it. Every day I fight to find a reason to not end it. Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.
I hate this. I hate my life.
I hate myself. All I do is complain.
I'm a pessimist  I guess that's all I'll ever be. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know a life with anything else. This in-between is all I know. I just want it to end already.

Please.

Ruh Roh Shaggy!

I've been hanging out with Cimiron as much as I can, because he leaves on August 11 and I may not get to see him from August 1 - August 9th. So I've been spending every day I possibly could with him.

Yesterday I hung out with him in the morning. I made it over there at about noon. I didn't have my key, so I left my front door unlocked. My roommate, S, came back in that time and left again, locking the door. I came back at 5 pm to do my chores before she got home, but since she had locked the door, I had to climb over the 6 foot fence. That is no easy feat. In the carport, my dad has a lot of wood and metal and such that you have to climb over. Climbing over all of that at 5 pm is easy. I can see what I'm doing.
Anyways, so I left again after doing my chores. I left again to go back to Cimiron's, but I locked the door since I figured S would be home before I got back. It turns out I was wrong.
I got back from Cimiron's at 9:45 pm and S still wasn't home. So I sat at my door for about 15 minutes until I realized that she wasn't going to be home until about 1 am. I realized that she was working. I saw a whole bunch of spiders on the ground where I was sitting so I didn't want to stay there. I called my brother and went to hang out with him. He was only like a few streets away. My phone was dying, and I was over there until about 1 am. I got back at like 1, and I discovered that S was already back and she had locked the door.  So I climbed through the front window to get in my house. That's pretty much all that happened.

Last night when S got home, she was on the phone with my dad. She told him that I wasn't home, and that I hadn't been. So he called me this morning to bitch at me. S woke me up bright and early too to bitch. She wanted to know where I was (understandable) and then she proceeded to point out all the things I didn't do yesterday as well. Chores, needing to do things, how I'm manipulative, how I never do anything around my house, etc. She said some things that really pissed me off, and I swear to god I could have punched her. So I told her that I was going to go for a walk, and she said that she was going to follow me. We argued for about 10 minutes about how she wanted me to clean the windows but I wanted to take a walk to calm down. She said she didn't believe that I was going to walk on my own, and that I was meeting someone. Which is why she wanted to follow me. But if I agreed to wash the windows, she was going to watch me. I told her that I needed her to leave so I could calm down. I was livid.
She didn't agree. So I started cleaning the windows, and as soon as she left, I went to my room and I cut. A lot. Many of them were deep too. But I couldn't help it. She came and knocked on my door, right as I was pulling my pants up. She knocked once and opened my door, not even giving me the chance to answer. Which pissed me off more. I was so sure she saw my cuts. Fuck.
So I finished the windows and I left and I was gone pretty much all day.

I hate my roommates. I don't want them here. I want to move out and I want to be left alone. Seriously.

** Another random note - I went for a motorcycle ride today, but when I was getting on the bike I tripped and I gave myself a muffler burn on my leg. It's huge, and though it doesn't hurt, it's pretty ugly. Apparently it will hurt tomorrow, but I'm excited for the wicked scar I will have when it heals too. :D

*** Also, I am thinking of making my blog private, just because I'm a bit scared that someone will find it. Not many people have a boyfriend named Cimiron, so if someone who knew me found this blog, they'd definitely know that it was mine. But at the same time, I've written close to 500 posts, and I really don't want to go back through all 500 posts and find his name and change it. Any ideas what I can do? I have been trying to be really careful, but I guess I'm just a bit paranoid. Nobody suspects, because I'm hardly ever on my blog when they're around, but still. Any advice?

Enjoying my summer!

Having random dance moments with your boyfriend is fun.
Well, at least it is to me. Cimiron and I were laying on his bed and we were just listening to music. So I decided to pick the most upbeat songs I could (Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson, Don't Stop Believing by Journey and Fireworks by Katy Perry) and dance/mouth the words to them. It was pretty fun, even if Cimiron didn't join in with me.
The other day I was wearing a hoodie and it was huge on me. So I asked Cimiron if he thought we could both fit in it. Turns out, we could. I took a bunch of photos of us, and I'm pretty happy. I'll have to post the photos later.
I'm enjoying my summer with Cimiron. We're just having fun, trying to be crazy. It's crazy. In 7 months, I turn 18. In 9 months, I'm moving out. Hopefully moving to New York to go to college and be with Cimiron.
That's crazy to me, but exciting too. Nobody here believes that I will do it, because they all think that it's a pipe dream. But I'm determined to do it, and I will.
For now, I've just got to focus on enjoying my summer and getting through the next 9 months. Woo!

I want to run away. I want to disappear...

I want to run away.
I want to disappear...

Tattoos!

I've decided that I want two tattoos. One across my wrists, and one on the back of my neck.

The one across my wrists will say "Stay Strong" like this:

But I want to do something to make it original. This tattoo is originally from Demi Lovato, but I thought it was a great idea and want to get it myself. Although I'm hoping to make mine original. I want to get that one because I want that to be my reminder that everything is possible, and that strength can be found in the least likely place. That one would be to symbolize, for me, my ED, and my self harm. But also overcoming the obstacles that I've found impossible, until I was on the other side. If that makes any sense.

The second tattoo, which I want to get on the back of my neck, I am still trying to figure out. I want it to say something along the lines of "Just keep swimmin' " or "Just breathe" but part of me feels like it's missing something. That one is still under construction.

Let me know what you think?

Yay?

Nay?

Any advice?

Anything at all helps. (:

Umm.

Thinking feels too hard right now. Feeling is too hard. It's 4am and I haven't slept. This is usually about when I crash.
But I don't even want to sleep. I spent much of the day with Cimiron. It was great. Confusing. Terrifying. Crazy. New. Scary. It was everything.

I just don't even know right now. I wish I had a friend. Like here. Someone I could just meet face to face and talk. Not someone to feel sorry for me. Just someone to talk to me and help me think.

Weight Loss Challenge.

I've started a plan to lose 14 lbs in 26 days. Which I started yesterday. I'm really hoping I can do it. I haven't really lost any weight in a while and I need to. Very badly.

I'm basically trying to restrict, but fuck.
Yesterday I caved and ate macaroni. Today I caved and ate Panda Express. I never eat Panda Express. I feel so shitty.
I want to cut, and I want to die. I have so much anxiety, and I'm such a failure. I just need to get out on my own so that I can say fuck you and then nobody can give me any food that I might cave on. At least if I was on my own, then nobody could tell me that I had to eat.
I'm hoping to work off all the calories. But fuck. I looked up the nutritional information...
For Orange Chicken, which is what they brought home, it has 420 calories, 21 g of fat, 4 grams of Saturated Fat, 95mg of cholesterol, 620mg of sodium, 43g of carbs, and 15g of protein. Multiply that times two, and you basically get what I had for dinner. Oh, and another 470 for rice that they forced me to eat....

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!

I have so much anxiety and I'm fucking pissed off that I can't purge. So I guess I'll have to exercise it off. 1500 calories? FUCK ME.

So there you have it. Day 1 of my weight loss challenge was a success. Day 2 was an epic fucking failure.

I wish I was dead.

I'm addicted!

to Otter Pops. I know, they probablly sound silly. They're basically juice, just in frozen form.
I haven't eaten them in a long time, juse because we never bought them. But since I've gotten sick recently, we got them. I'm addicted. They're just sooo good!
I've been eating like 4 or 5 a day, since we got them. They come in all colors. They help a lot with my throat and my cough, but I don't mind!

I'm like a little kid. They're so good!
Anyways, sorry this was kind of random... xD

Too Much For Life

I have too many emotions for life.
I feel emotions too intensely, and they can leave me feeling raw. Defeated. Tired.
I feel like I have no control over the emotions I feel, or how intensely I feel them. They just happen. I'm a bit like a conduit.

No emotion is just as bad as too much emotion, but how do you find that balance? How do you manage such strong emotions?

Earlier today after I got home, I was laying on my bed. I didn't want to move, but I got so pissed off at myself. I was pissed off at the way my clothes fit me, every inch of fat on my body. I was pissed off that I had eaten, I was pissed off at my weight, I was just pissed off at everything. It was such a strong emotion, much stronger that my normal emotions used to be. So, at a loss of what to do, I punched a wall. Several times. Needless to say, I bruised my knuckles. Walls are harder than I thought. Then I walked around my house banging my arm on things, as hard as I could, trying to break it. When I couldn't break my arm, I got even more pissed off and desperate. I started kicking things. I wanted to destroy everything in my room. Break as many things as I possibly could, but I knew that I couldn't do that. So I reached for my blade.
It's hard to understand why I reached for it. Why my brain defaults to pain when I'm feeling intense emotion rather than just feeling. Even when I feel intense good emotions, I default to pain. Biting, kicking, burning, breaking, cutting, bruising, scratching, destroying pain. Why?
What makes me do that? I mean, what makes me cope in that way when the next person doesn't in the same situation?

I've been trying to limit myself on the amount of self harm I inflict on myself. My legs are really the only safe place for me to cut. Anywhere else, and people might notice. My dad might flip. Not that I don't still do it, but it's a lot riskier than before. I've been trying to let my wounds heal, before making more.
But after earlier, when I had self harmed, my emotions quieted down. Not gone, per say. But they were a little less intense. Instead, I got really suicidal. But I feel like that's so common nowadays, or even just with me that it doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's so stupid, and I know that it's stupid, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like if I'm not critically underweight or attempting suicide, there's nothing wrong with me. So so stupid. I know. But I still believe it.
Anyways. I got to feeling like that, and I just went to bed. I fell asleep with a razor blade in my hand, and I slept for 4 hours. That seems to be the most I can sleep at a time. Last night I slept for 3, and woke up at 8. I went to bed at like 5. I hate sleeping so much, but it's the only escape I have from my thoughts. It's the only sanity and almost-peace I have left.

I get to see Cimiron tomorrow. I'm super stoked. He has been visiting his sister for a week, so I haven't gotten to see him. But tomorrow! I will. (:
My dad is getting back in about 2 weeks, and he will be here for about 3 days. Then on August 1, both S and my dad fly back out to where he's working, and I will be home alone with M for a week. This upsets me, because Cimiron leaves on August 11. S said that it would be preferred if I didn't have him over or I wasn't over there for that week, as I would need to keep an eye on M. By the way, she isn't pregnant. She ended up having a miscarriage..
So for basically the week before he leaves, I won't be able to see him. That doesn't float my boat at all. I need to see him. He's like my crack, and baby I'm addicted! xD
So I'm super stoked to see him tomorrow. Though I'm still sick, and hacking up lungs.

Otherwise, I have no obligations tomorrow, and I intend to enjoy myself! (:
At least when I'm with him I won't have to think and be stuck in my head. I can breathe when I'm with him. (One of these days I will post a picture of him and I together. I don't ever want to forget this.)

A Dream

I had a dream last night/this morning that shook me up a little bit. I'm not sure why it shook me up, but it did.
I dreamt that I was scared. I was shaking, terrified, and angry. But my emotions were colors. So as an example, terror would be black. Anger would be red.
I was terrified and angry, and I had a blade. I took the blade and I cut across my wrist, but didn't stop there. I cut all the way around my arm, like a circle. I made indents in my bones there. As much as it hurt, I needed it there. It was like a bracelet. A bracelet of blood.
I cut as deep as the blade would let me, and I wore the scar as a symbol. A mark. I was proud to have it there, but terrified that someone would come and kill me for having it there.

Beyond that, I don't remember my dream. But it's stuck with me and I can't quite get it out of my head. I'm not even sure what it means, if anything. But for whatever reason, I can't get it out of my head.

Every Day Is A New Day

Nothing which I start can I ever finish.

15 day liquid fast? Fail.
Writing to my brother? Fail.
That just seems to be my standard.

I feel really apathetic recently. Like it's too much trouble to carry on a conversation with people. The other day while I was with Cimiron, I started feeling that way. I started feeling like it was too much effort to talk to him, or to even explain what I was feeling. I just wanted to sit there and stare at a wall.
When I do manage to think, it's not good. It's angry. I get so pissed off, just because of my thinking.

People don't understand me when I say that I piss myself off. They don't get it. They think it's easy to change, if I so wished. But it isn't that simple. Or I don't feel like it is anyways.
I just feel so apathetic about everything, and it sucks. It means that I get nowhere. I think I need to have a day or two where I just don't talk to anyone. I just don't see or be around anyone. But that's difficult. There are always people around, always someone wanting to talk.
Not to mention, if I did that, I'd feel like I was wasting the few days I have with Cimiron before he goes back to NY.
I don't want him to go, I really don't. But he has to, and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because I don't like emotions, and I shove mine as far away as I can? For whatever reason, I just don't like it.

But today is the start of a new day. I will be hopefully hanging with my mom, so that should give me something to do. I will have to make the best of today, do what I can. My dad flies back today as well. Great. He will be up there for a while, so I have free reign basically.
Not that I really ever use it. But I don't really like him being there.
I feel guilty for hating him, if he is changing. If he wants to change, then I feel guilty for still being angry. But it feels like I just have so much going on right now that I can't even think of not hating him. I need to get my life under control.
School starts in a little over a month. I need to be ready.. I need to be focused. It's my last year of High School. I NEED to do well. No if's, and's, or but's. But how do I get a grip on myself?

Any advice?

I guess if push comes to shove, I'll do what I did last year. Pretend that nothing is wrong, and shove my Eating Disorder and self harm/depression to the back and focus on everything and everyone else. Seemed to work well enough, till I fucked up and trusted someone.
Never again. Trusting people gets me nowhere.

Anyways, so that's my little rant.

Here's to making the best of my day! I'm going to try to enjoy it.

My Apologies...

I'm sorry.
I'm in a weird headspace right now.
I feel like everyone expects me to be one way, but I'm someone totally different.
You, my blog readers. I can guarentee that you don't read my blog because you want to be depressed. Or you don't want to read depressing stuff all the time.
I try, though. I try really hard to be positive. But that's just it. I don't know how.
If I lose a few blog readers over any of the posts I've written, so be it. I have no control over that. But if you leave, can you please leave a comment giving me some feedback/why you left? Just so I know. Even if it's posted anon. You don't have to, though.
I'm surprised I even have readers. In some ways though, I feel like I let everyone down. Which sucks a lot, because that wasn't what my blog was meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be about keeping up an image, or inspiring others, or even helping others. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to do just that.
But I'm a pessimist. Usually. I can be optimistic when helping others, and whatnot. But when it comes to myself - no. I just can't.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I'm not what you're expecting. Or what you're hoping for.
But this is who I am. I'm working on changing it. It's a slow process. Y'know, two steps forward, one step back.

But I'm just here to apologize for everything, even if I have nothing to apologize for.
I'm sorry.

Just A Little Deeper

My pain is written into every scar on my body.
Each scar or cut is a memory.
It's fucked up, but this is almost all I can ever see my life being.
I've been asked by people like my dad and counselors, "Why [do you self harm]?"
What answer do I have to that?
None, really.
Why do you breathe? That's what it feels like to me now. It's as easy and as habitual as breathing. I just do. It helps.
But it isn't normal.
So what switched in my brain that made it normal?
What made starving normal?
What makes me keep going back, endlessly searching for ways to destroy myself? Why?
Why don't I want to stop?
Why do I keep going? Ever cutting deeper.
What is wrong with me?
I don't really have an answer.
It's my lifeline. As crazy as it sounds, I don't think I'd be alive without it. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. Who knows?
Nobody can really understand it except for me.
Why do I seek out pain as a way to exist?
Why does it help?
What makes me different from someone else? A lot of things, I guess.
Why does burning my flesh, destroying it, have to be my way to cope?
Why am I addicted to self destruction?
Why am I still not sick enough?
Why can't I ever cut deep enough?
Burn bad enough?
Why am I never 'enough'?

They say self confidence starts with you. But I won't ever get out of this. I won't ever have self confidence. Not at the rate I'm going.
I have this vision in my head, of who I want to be. But here's the funny thing. I will never be her. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to tolerate myself. I'll always be hateful toward myself, ever seeking to destroy myself.
I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, of breathing, of hurting, of hating, of wishing, of hoping, of trying.
I wish I could just let go.

I Don't Want A New Roommate!

Before I get started on this post, there are some things I need to clarify. S is my dad's friend as well as mine (sorta). S has 4 kids, but two of them are grown up and moved elsewhere. The two that are left are B who's 18, and M who's 15.
As of right now, B and S are living at my house with my dad and I. But in the next month, B is moving to my grandparents where he is going to rent a room until he finds somewhere else to stay. M is going to be moving in, in place of B. B and M can't be together, as some shit went down that I don't really know about.
So I am getting yet another roommate.

I found out all of this yesterday. /: I told everyone I was fine with it. But really, I'm not.
I hate that B is moving to my grandparents. I feel like that's my space and he has no right to move there. I'm so anxious that M is moving in. She's 15. We've both changed so much since I last saw her. I've matured, chilled out. I don't really do any bad things, aside from smoking weed, hanging with my mom, cutting, and having my ED. She, on the other hand, has gotten herself into a lot of trouble in the last year or so. She's a partier, likes to break rules (or at least did), and... Did I mention she's pregnant? Yep. 15 and pregnant. That's all fine and dandy. If she wants to do that, I wish her the best of luck. But what I'm getting at is that we're different.
I feel so anxious that I'm gonna have to hide from her too. I don't like new people coming into my life. I don't know her all that well, so I don't know the best ways to hide my habits and whatnot from her.
I hate it. But I'll learn. And learn quickly.
I just hate it. I feel like all I do is bullshit people. I want to move away, I want to be alone. I want to be able to do what I want, and not have to hide. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want to be able to do anything. I want to be left alone. I hate new people.
So much anxiety. They just kind of dropped that bomb on me yesterday, with zero warning. It's bullshit.

Elitch Gardens! :D

I went to Elitches with my dad, one of my room mates (S), and my soon-to-be roomate (S's daughter).
At first I was kind of dreading it. I mean, I've changed so much, and so has she. I did a lot of really stupid shit with her when I was younger. But I haven't seen her in such a long time. I didn't know how it would be. Surprisingly, it was a blast.
I had a lot of fun, and I got a wicked sunburn. Which is going to turn into a wicked tan tomorrow. :D
I'm glad I did it. I miss going to Elitches. Last summer I had a season pass so I could go whenever I wanted, and believe me, I did. I went almost every day, all day. But this summer I didn't get a season pass. So it was a little shocking when I went with my dad.
He really isn't the kind of person to do something like that. Not with me, anyways. But nevertheless, it was fun.

As for my soon to be roommate. Well, I'll write about that in another post. It's a bit complicated. xD

Happy Fourth of July!

I live in the US, and here it is the Fourth of July. Somehow I love this holiday. It's really the only holiday I get to spend with Cimiron, but I loved every minute of it.

Fireworks... Maybe it's just me. But I love the after smell of fireworks. Like the gun powder smell. xD
We stayed local this year to watch the fireworks. But they didn't feel long at all. I feel like they went by really fast. I got to eat a giant snow cone though. Great for my last day of food for the next 2 weeks. I'm gonna try to start a 15 day liquid fast, tomorrow. I was going to start today, but then everyone decided to shove food down my throat and I failed. But alas, I will start tomorrow.

Back to today. I didn't really do a whole lot, I slept a lot, which is strange for me.
But I'm sick so I didn't sleep much last night. I made up for it today, at least.

Anyways, that's my short update on today, being the Fourth of July. I don't really have a lot to say about it. It was just tons of fun.

What's your favorite part about this holiday? (If you celebrate it)
What's your favorite holiday?

 

  

 

Short Update

Today was a good day. Of course I spent it with Cimiron. We watched Fullmetal Alchemist, which is an anime.
They really didn't used to be my thing. They're his thing, but not mine. The only one I'd ever watched on my own was Code Geass. I think that's how you spell it anyways.
But we watched Fullmetal Alchemist, and I thought it was pretty good. (:
Then we went to the school to swing for a while. He's really bad at making decisions, but then again, so am I. We're really uncompatable in that way. xD
Then we went to his house for a while. We just hung out and joked around, pretty much. Sometimes I can get frustrated with him, but it never lasts long. We've never had an actual fight, either.
I enjoyed my day, for the most part.

The next few days might be crazy. Tomorrow my dad gets back in town. But he's only here till Sunday. Thursday I'm going to see fireworks with Cimiron. I'm stoked. xD Last year I had a blast. There's just something about him. (; Haha.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog and deleting this one. There are some people here that know about this one, and I don't really like that. It makes me feel like I have to be careful what I say on here. Which isn't what I intended when I started this blog. /: I would just tell those people that know about it to not read it, but really, I don't trust them not to. So what to do?

My mood drops really low when I'm alone. Sometimes when I'm with others it happens too. Anger.. That's what it is. Anger and sadness.
But like when I'm with Cimiron, most of the time I'm happy. I'm still trying to find that balance, though. Only time will tell, I guess. Time and patience. I suck at being patient. xD Sometimes.
Never too late to work on it, I guess.
Peace out, for now. (:

I (tried) to dye my hair and it failed. Well, kinda. It's a little bit of a lighter brown, but not enough to notice. /: I wish I could've been blonde. I was gonna dye the bottom layer of my hair blonde, and then the top layer with streaks, but I failed.

Selfish... I am.

I was with Cimiron yesterday. Being sweet, and cuddling. He bought me a pee-wee pillow pet, an elephant. I was being happy. Until I ruined it.
I guess I'd been acting self conscious of my legs, because he asked what was wrong. Before I could think about it too much, I showed him my legs. Whether it was borne out of desperation, fear, need, whatever - I showed him my legs.
He took it surprisingly well. There are probably close to 100 cuts on my thighs. Some deep, some not.
We talked. He told me to reach out to him, use him. He told me he'd always be there, that he loved me. He told me he WANTED to help. So now, when I'm laying in bed, so close to reaching for the blade, wishing I could be with him, wishing he could take away my pain, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I'm burdening him? Why am I wishing I could take back the text message I sent him asking for help? Why can't I accept help?

It's 3:40am here now, for me. He will see the message at about 8am, but I've got to be up at 6:30am. Yet I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking.
Ask for help. Guilt.
Self harm. Guilt.
Ask for a favor. Guilt.
Tell someone I need him. Guilt.
Cry, finally. Guilt.
Breathe. Guilt.
Live. Guilt.
Exist. Guilt.
Why can't it ever go away? People ask me WHY I think I deserve so much pain and unhappiness. I don't have an answer. I only know with every fiber of my being that I deserve it.
I'm a pessimist, and for that I wish I could die. I honestly don't see good that I bring to people or the world. I see the pain, the hurt, the burden. I see the negativity I bring to people.
What switched in my brain? Why can't I see it? What makes me different?
People say that you can't love others unless you love yourself first. Or that others can't love you if you don't love yourself. But I don't. I don't love myself, and I doubt I ever will.
So how can anyone love me?
How can I have value?
How can I have worth?
I can't. I just can't. I never will, it feels like.
Maybe this is my destiny...

Vans Warped Tour

I went to the Vans Warped Tour. It was so epic.
For any of you who don't know what that is, it's like a giant concert. There are usually over 50 bands and they play. You can move from any of the stages, and there are about 6. It was epic!! O. M. G.

There are too many bands to list here right now, but I'll list the ones I saw and the ones I'm a fan of. If you want to see any more, here's the link. http://www.vanswarpedtour.com/bands/
The bands I saw were 3oh!3, The Ataris, Black Veil Brides, Blessthefall, Bring Me The Horizon, Echosmith, Forever The Sickest Kids, Like Moths To Flames, Relient K, Silverstein, Sleeping With Sirens, Never Shout Never, The Black Delilah Murder, Tonight Alive, and Woe Is Me.

They were amazing!! ^_^
At one point, I was watching The Ataris, and I crowd surfed. I got to make it to the front, but I had to leave because I was seconds from passing out. If I had stayed at the front of the stage, I'd have passed out. I was starving, dehydrated, and light headed. So I left. I wish I could have stayed there, but it was fun.
I got shoved into a mosh pit too. I got kicked in the ribs and I might have hurt a few other people, but nevertheless, it was so amazing to be there. I loved it. I wish I could have stayed there longer to see more bands. But I had to leave. I'm sure I'll have more to write later, but for now, here you go!

I don't even know who I am anymore.

Haunted

Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough. Not sick enough.

Not trying hard enough. Not good enough. Not worth anything. Stupid. Ugly. Fat. Mundane. Ordinary. Nothing. Needy. Dependent. Whore. Wanna-be. Copy cat. Poseur. Bitch.

These are just a few of the words that play over and over and over again in my head. They repeat. They're never ending.

They're killing me.

First Time In A Year

Monday was the first time I've seen my boyfriend in a year. We had a great night.
We talked, cuddled, played video games, had dinner with his family, and joked around. Talking and cuddling was great. Jut feeling close to him was amazing. One year is a very long time, I tell ya. I cannot wait for the day where I can talk and cuddle with him every day of the week. ^_^
We played Persona 4 and Black Ops. He totally kicked my ass in Black Ops. But it was a little bit of a fairer fight with Persona 4. I liked it. That's coming from someone who doesn't play video games.
Having dinner with his family was.. interesting. I told both him and his mom that I wasn't hungry. In the end though, I had 2 pieces of garlic bread and one 1" square of ravioli. Pretty much as little as I could get away with.
I was so stoked to hang with him. That feeling of seeing him again was incomparable to everything else. I can't really explain it. But it was good. Very, very good.

I've been trying to think about that and keep that in mind instead of my worries.
Did he think I was fat?
Did he worry about me?
Did he think I was crazy?
Did he think I was attractive?
Most of those questions are stupid. But while we were cuddling, his hand was on my back, stomach, and ribs. Which is normal. But you can feel my ribs. You can see my collar bones, but you can't see my hip bones. Those are really the only signs that you can see of me changing. I've still got a long way to go though. A reeeeeaaaaly long way.
But I kept worrying that he thought I was fat. I couldn't shake it. Every time his fingers felt near my stomach, I was conscious of it. I kept sucking in my stomach, trying not to move too much. I was trying to hide and not let him see my midsection. Just in case he saw my fat, or something.
It's so stupid.
I love Cimiron more than I thought I'd ever love anyone. I am refusing to let my Eating Disorder affect my relationship with him. But I can't deny that it's there.
Earlier this week, we had our first "argument". We argue, but in a playful way. This wasn't so playful. He kept trying to get me to eat, and I kept telling him that I wasn't hungry. He said that I hadn't eaten all day, and that I needed to eat. I told him I didn't want to. Like a little kid.
Finally, he gave into me. But he said that if I wasn't going to eat, then he wasn't either. I told him that it didn't work like that. Hypocritical, I know. But just because I didn't want to eat, didn't mean he could. So he finally gave into me, and I actually didn't like it. I didn't like getting my way. In the end, I just sucked it up and ate with him, and compensated for it later.
I wish I could just disappear.

Since then, things have been pretty good. We're having a great time with each other, and I'm so happy he is here. I am enjoying his company, trying not to think about things too much. He makes that possible. Things by myself aren't so great, but I guess that's not new. I'll save that for another post, though. I'm just so stoked that Cimiron is here. <3