Rambles

I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I've been flying high with Jenny recently, and I fucking love it. I know I should be tired if nothing else, but I definitely have no intentions of sleeping anytime soon. I want to push myself and see just how far I can go. Until I fall.

I haven't been hungry at all these past two days, so no food for me. Liquids, mostly. That's what I have been surviving on. I still don't know my weight... I don't think I can handle knowing it unless its lower than it was last time.. At least 5lbs lower.

My boyfriend A doesn't believe I need to lose more weight, but he also doesn't see what I used to be. I will not stand to be fat another day, another second, another year. I would rather be dead. I have gotten better, but it is still not enough.

It's almost noon here today as well, and all I have had is a little bit of tea mixed with lemonade. I didn't even drink most of it, though I am the one that wanted it.

I don't work today, and I am so thankful. Last night I was scheduled to work from 1 to 6:30. A nice, easy shift. But as it turns out, someone walked out yesterday and they were short on staff. People weren't showing up when scheduled, and as a result they asked me to stay until 9. I eventually agreed, without realizing that 9 would mean 10, which would turn into 11... Towards the end of my shift, we were getting a rush. There were a lot of people placing large orders and not enough people to make it happen, well.. Quickly. So customers were getting upset, and my manager was basically throwing a temper tantrum. I don't know what else to call it. She was slamming things, bitching at everyone, panicking, and it definitely rubbed off on everyone. She was getting on my case for little things that normally wouldn't matter and I was so ready to walk out of there, at the cost of my job or not. I just couldn't take anymore of their bullshit. Fortunately enough, she told me to leave, saying she would deal with my drawer and clock me out. The only thing she didn't realize was that by staying until 11, I got around 5 hours of overtime. Which, as of recently, nobody is allowed to get overtime. They were so worried about it that they said if anyone got overtime, they were going to start restricting hours to control overtime. I am not too sure about the validity of this statement, but either way, it could end fine or it could end badly. I hope it works out.

I am supposed to have this week off, as I told them I was going on a college visit trip. Which I am supposed to be going on, but since I don't have my GED yet I can't go. That's the other thing. I am so unsure of how to go about getting this GED. They changed it and it seems to be a lot more complicated than I originally thought it would be. I am working on it though.. Because it is something I need to do for myself. I need to feel equal again. I need to prove to myself as well as my family that I am not a failure. That I am stronger than they could have ever guessed. I refuse to be held back.

So I pretty much have this entire week off, aside from 2 days. Somewhere around 17 hours. I still haven't decided if I want to go back to my job or not, or just leave and find another. Because as much as I need a job, there is only so much bullshit that I can stand to deal with before I snap and say enough. Last night was definitely a test of that limit. -sigh- Well, if nothing else, I am not there anymore, and don't have to be at least until Sunday. I guess I will see how I feel by then.

I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my day. My boyfriend works all day, and there isn't really anywhere I wanna be. I don't know what I want to do with myself today, and I hate it so much. I hate not having something to do, somewhere to go, or things to do during the day. He works like 5 mins away from my house though, which is convenient because I can go there. Or I could sit here in the grass outside his work until he gets off in like... 10 hours from now. But I don't want to be lazy. I need something to do to keep my mind occupied. My boy basically told me that if I feel like harming myself, I need to come find him. He said that even if he is working, he would rather put me first. He would rather I take my emotions out on him, than take them out on myself. But I don't think I could ever do that. Not without a reason to validate such violence. He wants to talk through the times when I feel like cutting, rather than letting me cut. But I honestly don't know what good talking does. It brings guilt, shame, and more hatred toward myself, and I don't think it could really help. At least not in the sense that he is wanting it to.

I have known my best friend since middle school, so roughly 6 or 7 years. We have been through some shit together, and somehow she still wants to be my friend. I would trust her with my life, above almost anyone else. I asked her for a slight favor this morning, one I have asked for before. I have also held true to my words in past situations and never screwed her over. She basically replied that she can't help me because she "hasn't seen me in... Idk how long".

Seriously.

It simply comes down to the fact that she has a job, maybe two. I have a job and work a lot. She isn't good with answering texts, and usually when I get the chance I try to talk to her but our conversations don't last long.

I feel like I went from being right by her side to being thrown backwards into the dust. Which... I hesitate to believe that she would actually do that, because surely I have to mean more than that, right? After 7 years, you would think so too, right? I don't really know what she means by the fact that she can't help me out because she doesn't see me.. It almost feels like she is playing mind games. Which in a sense I can understand, but at the same time, maybe I was foolish enough to believe that it wouldn't happen to me. Not from her anyways. I don't really know what she said in response when I asked her to elaborate because my boyfriend has my phone right now and I told him he could use it for music today since he works a lot.

When I started writing this post I was fine. I felt a little frustrated but it was nothing. It seems like the more I write and the more I put my thoughts to paper (or in this case the keyboard) the more my thoughts spiral downward. The more I want to cut, the more anxious I feel.

Why do I want to cut? I can't clearly define my reason, and I can't define the trigger.

I just know that I do and that I was triggered. I know that right now if my boy was here, he would want to know what happened. I don't know how to explain it.  He would want me to come find him at work. But I honestly don't think it is important enough and he definitely doesn't need to worry about me today. He is at work, that is what should be his focus. If I cut, I cut. What can I do but apologize later?

^ this is why I am so afraid to lose him. He wants me and he wants to give me a chance. I am thoroughly fucking up my chances with him, a little bit at a time.

He deserves better. So much better. Someone smarter, prettier, stronger. Anyone except me. And I just know that whether I want to or not, if I keep doing things this way, I will lose him.

The other day I was talking to him about addiction. I happened to mention my addiction to starving and one of the first responses that he had was along the lines of "You aren't Anorexic, you just wish you could be and I don't know why you would want that"... And that was an extremely triggering comment. I don't think he would even think to rethink his words for that one because to most people that wouldn't be offensive. But I don't think I will be forgetting that anytime soon.

It *almost* makes me feel like I have something to prove, like it was a challenge although logically I know that is not how he meant it. Not by a long fucking shot, but I am still triggered.

I saw a friend of mine yesterday who also suffers (or at least did) with Anorexia. She was so tiny, so fragile. She is beautiful, and I can just imagine what she would be thinking about me after seeing her yesterday.

I'm fat. I'm lazy. Worthless. Wannabe. Weak. Disgusting.

I honestly don't think she would be mistaken in thinking any of those things. She wouldn't ever say them to my face, but since I am a girl myself, I know how judgemental they can be. I wouldn't dare expect any less.

Maybe I can find a way to use this as motivation instead if just blind anger and hatred. Because I need to starve so I don't have to feel. So I can be numb.

But that is easier said than done these days. It is an all or nothing thing in that I either feel nothing at all and am completely numb... Or I feel everything from the worst to the best. I can't pick and choose what to feel and what not to feel. What should I choose?

On an entirely different note, I think I might notice the slightest difference in my body. My wrists are smaller and more skeletal, as are my hands. I have the slightest little thigh gap, and I can fit my hand through it. My thighs still touch though, and that bothers the shit out of me. I am still fat, and I may be crazy. In fact I know I am. But these tiny little changes give me hope that I might one day be something I can stand. Not now, but maybe someday. Maybe.

I never seem to stop wanting to fade. To disappear, to stop existing. Even now, in the midst of what I would dare to call happiness, the desire to disappear and fade is always lurking. Waiting for that one moment when everything isn't picture perfect and then it sneaks up and  I somehow always fall for it. I believe that it would be best, but then shit gets a reality check and things just get more and more complicated.

I wish things could be simple.

But it seems these days that simple is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

So I guess I will just stumble around until I fall, hoping to steady myself in the process.

Fear Controls Me

I got high last night... The kind of high where I can fly. It was nice, and I am glad that I got to share that oppertunity with my boyfriend, A.

It was fun for the most part, except I started freaking out and crying on my back porch. He was there with me, and as soon as he went inside its like the floodgates opened. I didn't want him to see me cry, and I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes..

I'm tired of living in fear...

Fear of life.

Fear of my body.

Fear of my weight, and of food.

A rediculous fear of moths.

Fear of things that I cannot control.

Fear of the unknown..

So basically... Everything.

He seems to promise that I can get better. That things can improve. I want to believe him, but how do you turn your back on the only thing you have ever known?

It is kind of a given that he wants me to stop cutting. But do I want to? He says I don't need the blade anymore, but what will replace it?

I am afraid to repeat history again... But how can I stop it? I can only predict it, and watch it happen.

I feel so helpless.

I cut the other day while he was at work, because I needed him... But I also needed a reason to not deserve him. At first he asked what happened, and he wanted to talk to me about it. I didn't want to talk to him, because as soon as I started to open up, I got slammed with guilt. I got out of his car and started walking, and for once he followed. Everyone else in my life would just watch me walk away... But he chased me and brought me back.

I can honestly say that I'm happy with him, but I fear that same happiness because I know well that it can disappear as soon as it appears.
I know that my insecurities are going to get in the way... But how do I stop that?
I wish I could escape my head.

I fear attention..
Whenever I am out and about, I know that people notice me. They stare, they comment about me... Whether it be my weight, my scars, or my perso.ality. All I want to do is hide. But that is just another thing that I can't control.
When will I stop being afraid to live?

How do I eradicate this guilt that clings to me like a second skin?
There is so much guilt over so many different things that they just kind of blend together and I can only identify it as fear.

When will I start deserving him?
If I don't change soon, I could lose him. The one good thing in my life that has begun to heal me.. I can't lose that.
I know I have been with him for a very short time, but it feels like forever. I don't feel like we were ever strangers. Things are just easy and natural for us, when I don't get in the way.
But that seems to be what I am good at - getting in the way.

I wish I could escape myself, my head, my life. My fat body.
But it isn't that easy.. Not anymore.
I need him, but in the same breath I can't need anyone because need equals vulnerability. And that has only lead to destroying me farther.

I got a tattoo that says "Destroy what destroys you" because I hope one day I can be a survivor and not a victim. But how do you define the two? I am a long ways away from that, and yet I feel short on time. Every second passes too quickly, each minute gone before I can blink. Days feel like seconds, and I want it to slow down. I need more time, but for what? Why am I so desperate for time, when I am so afraid of the things I can't control? How could I even entertain the thought that I could control time?
It is a hopeless fantasy.

I almost want to keep marking the passage of time with marks in my skin, but can I? Our do I only think I can?
My thoughts build and build until they drown me, and when I fall beneath the waves, the blade is always there to pull me back. Compensation is always there to help as well, but I am changing without warning and I don't know what that means anymore. Is it good or bad? Maybe both?

I guess I can only learn to live with this fear, because I don't have the control and to say I could be in control would only be a lie. Not that those are uncommon for me, but I don't want them to be anymore.

So what is it that I want?
I don't even know.
So I leave with still no answers.
As always.

Hah

My life right now is too perfect. I work, spend time with my boyfriend, and sleep. I'm usually always with my boyfriend except when I am at work, and I love it just because I know he will get tired of me and I want to be with him as much as possible before that happens.

Since I dropped out of school, I hadn't really tried to get my GED. I have been focusing on getting a job and saving for an apartment and didnt have the money for a GED. But I do right now and therefore have been working on getting it. Hmm..

My weight has gone down since I last weighed... But I haven't weighed in a few days.. I haven't had the time or energy to bother, but for selfish reasons. I enjoy making myself anxious because I don't know my weight. That's fucked up and I know it. I'm gonna weigh soon thoigh, I feel like I have gained, but know I have lost.

I think I want to get "What we believe we manifest" tatted on my arm... And I get the chance again on July 1st. Should I? Thoughts might be appreciated...

Speaking of which... Who are my readers still? If anyone? I know I haven't posted so much in a while... But I do wonder if anyone reads my blog. Leave me a comment if you do?

I called my mom earlier, just to talk to her. She asked what I was doing and I told her where I was. She immediately told me I am wasting my life and my time. Wasting my chances, my seconds. She told me I was stupid and said some other stupid shit and then I hung up on her. Aye. >.<

Update

This post was supposed to be published about a week or so ago, but I only just realized that it didn't post. So here it is now.

I have no idea what my weight is because it's that time of the month. But I have been relatively good in terms if food.

Todays intake looks like:
1/2 of a nutrigrain bar (80)
Small glass of soda (150?)
Chips (80)
Special K crisps (100)
Total: 410

A lot of that was low in fat or at least had as much protein as it did fat, so im trying to not feel so bad about that. Plus, if I eat nothing else today, that shouldn't be so bad.. Right?

I work 7 hours again today.. From 2 to 9. I don't even want to go today because yesterday was so much bullshit.
I was working drive thru and front counter during a dinner rush last night and there were a lot of cars in the drive thru. I was trying to get food out as fast as I could to keep our times low and the manager on my shift started bitching at me because there were customers in the lobby and I hadn't has a chance to help them yet. After she finished bitching at me for that, she started telling another worker all about who I was and what I was doing wrong.
That's only part of the bullshit, but I will just say that by the end of my shift I was ready to punch her I'm the face. And I get to do it all over again today. Ugh.

I finally moved out of my dads house and into the place I'm renting. I don't really know what to call it, but I guess it's home now. I don't know how to feel about living there. Like am I supposed to just fade into the background and get in the way as little as possible or is there another way I should be going about this? I have so many questions but very little answers. I still don't know if she is gonna make me pay rent or not, but I just don't feel right living in a house that isn't mine without paying whoever to let me live there.

I talked to A the other day, and he said that right after he got to where he was going with his friend, he got stopped and his friend spilled the beans about some stuff that they weren't supposed to have and his friend ended up going to jail. So his whole trip basically got ruined and in about 2 or so days, they are coming back here and staying. Which I guess is good but it sucks that it had to happen that way.

I don't really have much else going on in my life right now, it just feels like a lot I guess. I'm growing up now and I'm not really sure how to go about it. Money is everything in a sense, but at the same time there is so much more to life than money. I haven't quite figured out that balance yet.
So it's just to keep trying to survive until I do, I guess.

A

These past few days it has felt like I've spent the majority of my time with that guy A I met a few weeks ago.

A few days ago we were hanging out after I got off work and we ended up going to this lookout area where you can see the cities, but it was over a highway. We had to climb this huge mountain to get to the top but it was so worth it. We just sat there and looked at the lights, and we talked. I remember that around 2am we tried going back down the mountain, so we could sit in his car because I was getting cold. On the way down I couldn't stand upright. He said he would keep me from falling but I couldn't seem to take one step without falling on my ass. So I slid down the mountain on my foot and couldn't stop laughing when I reached the bottom.

There was another day that I went with him to hang out at his friends house. He is pretty cool, but I remember this night he asked me if I felt like drinking. I agreed, just because. Throughout the night we listened to music, and we played beer pong. I had never played, but I thought it was fun to learn anyways. Turns out I'm not too bad at it. (; Then after we finished that, at around 3am, we ended up playing Kings Cup. It's basically a game where you find it almost impossible not to be drunk. Which, y'know.. That's half the fun! I had this bet going with A that because I am such a lightweight I couldn't keep up with him, and that I would tap out before he did. Well, I realized one thing if nothing else.. I am always going to be the designated driver.
I mean, when someone tries to get drunk, they don't usually fail. I did. His friend had to be at work at 5:30, and I remember that at around 5 I fell asleep on A's lap. I finally gave up on the fun and wanted to sleep. That was a good night for me.

When A told me that he liked me, he caught me off guard and I didn't really know how to respond. I told him that I just got out of a relationship and that I didn't want to jump into another one right away. But.. Now I realize how untrue that is. I haven't really been with anyone since January, and I realized how much I do want to be with someone. So I ended up telling A that I liked him as more than a friend. That I wanted him to stay here in my state and be with me versus moving out of state.
He basically said that if I still feel the same way next week when he gets back from "vacation", we can see about being together. I probably shouldn't be excited about that, but I am.

Last night after I got off work I really wanted to chill out and destress. So I called A and asked him what he was doing and he said he was at a party and asked if I wanted to go. I agreed, so he came to get me and we ended up driving out to the lake and sitting on top of the dam for a while. We talked, and joked around and when it got too cold we drove to the park and stargazed. I was pretty happy to just be there, looking at the stars, laying next to him. Eventually we left that park too, and we went back to the lake. We ended up falling asleep on the dock and around 4:30 we went back to his car to warm up. I think we both crashed there as well until about 8. I know how stupid that probably sounds, but there is just something about this kid that I like.
He is almost 20, so about 2 years older than I am. He isn't a bad guy, and I don't know why I like him. But I do. We have fun, he likes to do crazy things. He makes me laugh, and smile. I don't know though. I don't know if he still plans on moving, and if he does then I don't want to open my heart to him. I don't want him to be able to leave like that and hurt me. I mean, I have only known him for about a few weeks, I don't think this can be normal. There's probably an underlying reason as to why I want to be around him.. But I don't care.
He asked me to drive with him on this "vacation" he is taking for a week. I told him that I wanted to, and I do. I really fucking wanted to go with him. I just couldn't afford to get an entire week off of work and therefore I have to stay. But maybe, when he comes back.. He will still want to be around me.
Because he is cool. Being around him is easy. He's respectful, a gentleman, he makes me laugh.

I mean, what's not to like?
Should I go for it or am I being crazy?

Why?

I don't know who I am anymore or what I stand for. I can't define what I stand for and what I don't. I'm more lost than I was before and I don't know how that's possible.

I met two random guys at the bus stop about 3 weeks ago. They asked me basic conversational questions and then asked what I was up to. When they heard I was heading to an appointment, the first (I will call him A) asked if I wanted a ride. I agreed knowing that I have a knife to protect myself. They drove me to my appointment and dropped me off and they seem pretty cool. I've seen him since and hung out with his friend J. Last night A wanted to hang out after work and we met up with him and his friend J and another person. We all drove to the mountains and went to the river. They wanted to spin fire and i'll admit, its pretty neat. A is pretty good with the poi. We hung out there until they ran out if kerosene, and then we went down to the river. It was like 3am and it was pretty rough and looked really pretty and I was so happy to be there. After we left, we smoked some weed and them dropped J's friend off. We went back to J's place and we smoked some more and then we all passed out. We were chilling today seeing as I didn't have to work but A did. So I had the option of either hanging with J or going home and I didn't really want to go home. So for the last 4 hours I've been hanging with J. I know that they both like me.
I hung out with A two nights ago and he told me that he liked me as more than a friend and wanted more. I explained that I had just gotten out of a long relationship and that I want ready to get into another one. He basically said that was fair and hasn't pushed the issue since. But today while I was hanging out with J, he started to come on to me and I told him no. He kept saying that he didn't want sex and that he just wanted an honest chat with someone. So I started telling him simple things, and just trying to get to know him. But then he just stopped and started treating me strangely. Thats when I started writing this post. He called A at his work and said "are you gonna come pick this bitch up our should I drive her home? I can't fuck her, and she ain't got nothing good to say."
A said something and they hung up and he walked out of the room. I grabbed all of my shit and left.

I met up with my best friend because I couldn't go home and I just wanted some company. They were getting ready to have a party and we ended up leaving to go hang out with their friends. We ended up getting really drunk and really gigh and it was a pretty good time. Also yesterday my pipe and my weed was stolen. Two nights ago I went to the mountains at around 12am and just sat by the river, with A, J, and thir friend. We dropped their friend off at around 3am. But I had it when I fell asleep last night and it was gone in the morning. Thats the other thing. My best friend got me a pipe and I'm so happy that she did that. It means a lot to me, and it's neat.

So I called A after I left J's house the other day because I wanted to tell him that if he was going to be as much of a dick as his friend was that I wanted nothing to do with him.
He asked to come talk to me after he got off of work. When I finally talked to him, he said that he agreed with new that his friend was being a dick and that grew was considering not being friends with him anymore. I told him that I was just a random girl and that I didn't want to get in the way if his friendship and he still stuck with the fact that he didn't want to be friends with him anymore. So I thought that he would be cool.

Ive hung out with him today, and he is pretty chill. For as long as he is still here we can be good friends.

But why do I have to get this kind of attention? I never used to exist before and now I can't stop existing.

I don't know if I have ever written about my friend R. He looks all too similar to my ex for one, and I met him through my best friend about five months ago. Lately he has been texting me incessantly and won't leave me alone. I tried pushing him away, making him hate me, everything. He wouldn't stop telling me that he loved me and he was emotionally blackmailing me. Yesterday while I was with J and A, he called me. It was only about the twelfth time he called me but one time J answered while I was out of the room and told R that he kidnapped me and was holding me in his trunk and that he had my phone (as I heard from a police officer later). I basically fixed it because I told them that he had played a joke on R because R was harassing me and they said they would talk to him. Which that actually didn't happen because he still continued to message me on Facebook. Eventually I told him to leave me alone and to fuck off and he listened. Sort of.

But yeah...

I don't even know what to feel. I don't know. Sorry. I guess I needed to vent.

...

Things are getting bad again.

I don't know what to do.

I can't make it through again..

Untitled

I haven't managed much with my eating recently, but I've managed to lose 1.6 lbs since I last updated. I'm not entirely sure how, but somehow.

I passed out while with my friend earlier, and as a result she hauled me to McDonald's and made me eat a sandwich. I can deal though.. I think.

I've been running a lot of errands today but I've got nowhere.

I start work on Wednesday but I still don't know when I'm starting or have a uniform. So I can't really start and I'm freaking out about that.

I have about 2 weeks to move out, no money, and nowhere really to go. I'm also freaking out about that. I don't know what to hope for, other than working as much as I can before the 31st and hoping its close to when I get my paycheck.

I formally dropped out of school this morning. That was harder than I expected it to be. I had to have all my teachers sign my withdraw paper, as well as see other students laugh at me for it. I saw all my teachers looks when I handed that paper to them. It was so hard.

But it's done and over with and I just need to accept it. So. Yeah. That's my life. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Eww

My cals total 1205. All I've had today is some candy and a few chips, and a little bit of sweet tea.

I weighed in at 154 this morning. Or rather this afternoon. Somehow, throughout my day of binging, I've sill lost a pound. I don't currently have my backpack with my laxies in it, but when I get back I'm so taking some. I have to lose weight.

I start work in 3 days. I don't want to be the fat one when I start. I need to lose more weight before I go. For the next three days, I'm fasting. Zero calories, even from drinks. I have to.

Well. Today's (well yesterday's) intake wasnt bad. I ended up around 500, though most of it was liquids. Today's been a lot better, as I've only had liquids. I'm gonna try to keep liquid fasting today, despite being with my best friend.

She passed out around 10, and it's almost 4:30am. I have yet to go to sleep, though I am tired as fuck. Sleeping is honestly a challenge for me and I avoid it whenever I can.

I did however manage to finally write my brother back, though it took like 5 pages of paper. I guess I had a lot to say.

My dad kicked me out basically and I've got until May 31st to move out. No exceptions, and if I don't find a place by then... I'll be homeless. That's why I'm so anxious to start work, because I need to make some money so I have money to put down for rent and actually have means to look for a place.

I've got so much stress going on in my life, what with moving, dropping out of school, family drama, my ED, anxiety, depression, etc. it's just a shit ton to handle all at once. I was originally writing this at 4am, but it's later than that now.

I'm not satisfied at all with how today went... But I guess all I can do is make a better day tomorrow. -sigh- we shall see, I guess.

Still Too Fat

There's this guy that I've had a thing with. We're not friends, because we do pretty much everything a couple does... But we aren't dating.

Things got pretty heated earlier and that's fine. He tells me he loves me, and I think I love him. He gives me peace when I can't find it anywhere else. I always want to just be around him. I want to see his smile.

But we aren't together.

I asked him what we were. Just because I need to know where I stand with him. He basically said he could see us dating but that he couldn't at the same time and didn't know why.

The only thing I can think... I've tried, believe me. The only thing I can think is that I am too fat. That's why he won't date me, because I'm fat. He doesn't love me, because I'm fat.

That might as well have been a sucker punch to the gut. I do want to be with him... But I'm too fat. /:

I'm Gonna Gain

I haven't been able to fast as much as I want to. Yesterday I ate kind of a lot because I was with my best friend almost all day. I took a bunch of laxies though and woke up wonderfully empty today. I didn't fast today either, but I've had 630 calories. I had:

3 creme de piroline sticks (150)

2 fruit roll ups (180)

6 sour cream and onion chips (160)

1 Mountain Dew (140)

So that's not bad if you factor in my walking (100) and purging. So that makes my total 530. I can deal with that, almost... I'm gonna do more exercise.

I'm anxious to weigh tomorrow, if I get the chance. I need to lose weight, not gain it.

I've been with my best friend all day today too, which is why I've eaten so much. But I figure I will be fasting and exercising tomorrow as I have to pack. So hopefully I will lose.

My phone was stolen a few days ago, and I bought a new one off of Amazon for $40. It's supposed to be here this Friday or next Monday. I hope it gets here soon. I never realized just how much I need it or how often I use it, even for little things.

Other than that, nothing is really happening. I got a job but don't start for another week, which sucks. I want to start now. 

Anyways. These laxies are making me feel really sick. So I'm gonna go lie down. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Thank You

I don't really know what to say to Katie and Ell, who commented on my last post. It means so much to me that you care. I know I don't want to fuck up my life with drugs like that when I do know the effect of them. It was only recreational, never something I'd consider doing for a long period of time. I just needed a way to break my plateau, much as I do now. Eventually I will reach a weight I'm happy at (without drugs) and I'll stop. I won't need drugs, or to starve. I wouldn't need a lot of the things I do now.

Soon I'll get there and I will stop. But for now, I'll agree with both of you and stop it. Because I know how easy you can be addicted. I don't want to be addicted to it.

Reality Check

I was stuck at plateau of 162 for a while there. I would get down to 159.6, and then id increase again. It was so frustrating.
I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.
After my brief stint with meth, I got down to 155. That's what I'm stuck at now.
Except... I spent the weekend at a friends and basically binged, so now I currently weigh 156.8.

Starting tomorrow, I will have no food. I will fast, and I will do anything necessary to lose weight. Even knowing how stupid it is... I'd go back to drugs to lose the weight. The only thing holding me back right now is that I don't have any money.... But in a way I guess that isn't really holding me back.

Every day I just get more and more upset with myself. Upset for not trying harder and sooner in school. I get sad for watching what other people have, knowing I could have had that.
I've missed out on so many things already, and what I have doesn't feel like a life.
It's the reason for constant cuts on my arms.
The reason I starve.
Or the reason I binge and then purge and take laxies.
It's the driving reason behind my drug use.
And every day it just gets worse.

I don't want this. I don't want this life. I wish I could give it up to someone who deserves it.
But the only thing I have control over is my beating heart. My breath. And only I can take it away. Only I can take the pain away.

I don't want to be alone today.

But there's nobody to be with.

I'm not attending school today either. I should work on my assignments for class, but I just can't bring myself to. I'm honestly doubting my ability to raise my grade, and it's destroying me. 

I don't want to even go there.

Fuck

I took laxatives yesterday at about this same time. I was expecting them to kick in last night or this morning, but now it's nearly 2:30pm and they haven't.

I'm start to freak out, get anxiety. I've even pacing all day, rarely sitting down. I don't have any more laxatives, and no money to buy them. I need to get this food out of me.

So far I'm at 585 calories for the day. Actually, slightly more than that. I'd say 650.

Ugh.

I don't know what to do, or how to avoid panicking about this. The bottom line is... I need two things.

Jenny and laxatives.

I start work in a week and a half, so I'll have money then. Right now, I don't. And I have no way to get some. Fuck.

I hate asking people to borrow money... Not that I have anyone I could borrow like $10 from. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying not to freak out and I'm failing. I can feel the food moving through my body. This is bad... Very bad. 

Fuck. This was supposed to help me not panic or freak out, but that's not working so well. Guess I'm gonna go pace. 

I know it's gonna happen again.

I'd give anything for it not to, though. I am terrified of going through that again. But what can I do? I can starve, but I know how unlikely that is.

I need to meet up with Jenny again. She's the only thing that can keep my appetite at bay and prevent it from happening again. But I don't have any way to get some.

I'm out of laxatives, and right now I haven't got money to buy them. I'm actually quite desperate. I've thought of stealing them... Oh how easy it'd be. 

I'm probably not gonna sleep tonight. I wish I could, though... At least so I can forget about this issue and not worry over it all night as I know I will.

But I feel like sleep is mostly out of the question.

I'm not sure what I'm more scared of...

My nightmares?

Or

What's happening to me?

Fuck. I don't know what I'm gonna do, or really what I even CAN do. I guess I just have to hope to get through this safely and avoid food afterwards. Guess I'm gonna need an appetite suppressant and a lot of excuses.

I wish people could just understand, but that is unlikely.

I don't care about tomorrow though. I just need to get through tonight. It's almost 1am here. So just 5 more hours. I can do this. I have to.

Stupid Bullshit

So yesterday I didn't really feel like going to school. These past two weeks I've barely attended school at all.

But yesterday after I was dropped off, I went to my first two periods and then left. I just didn't want to be here.

After I left yesterday I went and hung out with a friend of mine. Not too long after that I received a phone call from a counselor at my school. She told me that someone had called safe2tell on me and that she needed to see me. I started freaking out and punching the sidewalk because I thought this was gonna be a repeat of last year with the incident at my school. She said that the school resource officer was sitting in front of my house.

I freaked out because why the fuck would he be sitting there?!

He then called me and old me that he needed to see me. He tried to convince me to come back to school and when I refused, he came and met me in the parking lot of the resteraunt we (my friend and I) were at. He made me take off my jacket, and old me that the caller had said I was cutting my stomach, hips, arms, and legs. Not many people know that.

I denied it, saying that I hadn't cut in over 6 months. He made me take off my jacket and show him my arms and whatnot. Which I was fine with, seeing as those cuts had healed. The ones on my stomach and hips though, not so much.

So after the officer was sitting in front of my house, he called my grandparents and told them everything. I heard later that my grandpa actually broke down in tears, and that broke me. In all the years that I have been alive, I have never seen my grandfather cry. Ever.

So this morning, I had to go talk to the counselor that called me yesterday, and that's where I was at when my school went into a lockdown. At least it got me out of class. I didn't want to be there anyways. My grade in that class is slowly improving, though not enough. Not enough for me to pass.  Currently enrolled in 5 classes. I only need 3 to graduate. I have to do this.

Also an event that happened yesterday was that a friend of mine apparently attempted suicide. Her mom had found out that I was talking to her, and she tried to make me stop. She blocked my number in her daughters phone, and basically took my friend away from me. Yesterday morning she called me and basically told me that I was the reason for her daughters eating disorder, and said I encouraged her daughters drug use. She said that I was the one dragging her daughter down and then tried to be my mother saying I should get help for my eating disorder, and that I couldn't see her daughter till I did.

It was bullshit. I will never go into treatment, not until I reach 108 beautiful pounds of emptiness. Only then will I admit to anyone that I've got an Earing Disorder. But I was pretty upset about that yesterday.

So here's how it is: I have 13 school days left. Less than 2 weeks. I only have to pass 3 classes, and only one is a struggle. But I'm gonna see if I can't bullshit my way through that one class.

As for the incident, I'm in the clear. I covered my ass and am okay. My secret is still safe.

So I guess we will see how the next 13 days pan out, and I'll be having a countdown too. I'm gonna do this. 

Thoughts

I always have to lie.

That's my life. Certain people can't know certain things about me, or I can't tell them certain things. It's because I always have to have a guard up, knowing that people can't accept me for me.

I haven't been home in more than 4 weeks. I actually lost count. I used to go to my second home, but as of recently that isn't even an option. So where do you go when you can no longer go home?

I call it "camping". Funny, right? I've slept in an abandoned shed more than a few times, but I also just continuously walk around. I just wander until it's early enough that people are up and places are open. Sometimes I stay with my best friend, but her mom hates me and I always feel like such a burden when I stay too long.

That other guy I've been friends with, but also been more than friends with... We're kind of together I guess, but we aren't. As far as I'm aware, we're basically friends with benefits. Somehow I feel like that should bother me, but it doesn't. I find peace with him, and that's just what I need right now since my (ex) boyfriend/best friend no longer wants to talk to me. I feel guilty over that too.. And every day I consider getting back with him and I have to remind myself why we broke up. It's a struggle.

I hardly attended school at all this week and have been considering dropping out more and more recently. My last day is supposed to be May 19th. So I have less than 30 days... Why would I drop out now?

Because I need 1 more credit to graduate, and I don't know if I'll get the other 1/2 credit, which means I can't walk. That fate would be worse than the hatred of myself for dropping out. I made the mistake of mentioning it once, and I haven't stopped earring about it since. My family basically went left. So much for support, right?

I'm not sure what my current weight is, since my scale is broken. The last known weight I had was 155. But I've been starving pretty well since then, and Ana has had me in her grips. I've had a lot of anxiety and I've been shutting down a lot recently. Just not thinking, not feeling. Not responding to anything. I guess that's better than the alternative, right?

I'm sure I have more to say.. But I'm tired as duck and haven't really slept in several days. So I'm gonna try to do that now... Night..

Posts-to-be.... :P

Ohh, and I never made a post about Easter/420.. Man, I'm slacking! Though to be honest, I've been so close to entirely falling apart these last few days that I just haven't noticed the days passing by, or the fact that it's already the 24th and I graduate in less than 2 1/2 weeks. For fucks sake.
So I have a couple posts to make, which will be written as soon as I have a computer. It makes editing so much easier, and I kind of have a lot to say. So... Bear with me, but please answer the questions in my last post!! (:

Random 4am Nonsense

Yesterday (technically today for me) was so intense. I don't think I've been emotionally ramped up like that in a while, and I thought only my dad could get me there.
I'll write a proper post about it when I have a computer, in case anyone wants to read it.
So basically I've been sitting on a hard wood floor for like 4 hours, and I'm finally starting to feel the pain. Meh, how I wish I could just crawl into bed and fall into a dark abyss of dreamless sleep. But I can't.
I'm wired, not tired. But I'm out of fun now, so it's gonna be back to mundane life for me. /:
I'm sitting here trying to pack up my room (hah!) and I've packed up basically all of my bookshelf and important things like my notebooks and photos. But I still have so much shit to pack, and honestly, I need more boxes.

But anyways, I'll write more about the crazy ass motherfucking day I had yesterday, just so I can remember it, if nothing else.
I really find it hard to believe that anyone would read my posts. If you're reading, could you leave a few words about why you're following? I mean, I have around 65 followers, but I almost never hear from them.. So it makes me kind of wonder why they still follow my blog?
Well, that's pretty much all I have right now.. So I'll leave you with some questions and hopefully a couple people will answer..
Anyways, I guess I better finish packing what I can, and do my school work. I also have to get up in 2 hours. xD
But I'm okay with anything that comes my way for right now, because I'm high and I'm pretty okay. I mean, like no suicidal thoughts, downward spirals or meltdowns. My head is relatively quiet right now.. As is my stomach. (;
Anyways, proper post to come! Check back, and remember - It's the small things that count. Not the big ones.

Questions!!
1. Why do you read my blog?
2. Do you think I'm Pro-Anorexia?
3. Is there anything you'd like me to write about?
4. Ask me any question you want, I'd like to know that there are still people out there..

Life of A Cutter

Not getting to school on time.

Ditching.

Stress.

Failing grades when I do try.

Anxiety.

Impending homelessness.

Fear if the future.

Food.

My weight.

My selfishness.

My past.

My present.

All of these are one cut on my body, if not more. Always more.

But no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. Cutting doesn't fix any of that..

.. But it makes it temporarily go away.

Temporary is better than not at all.

My Life

Well.. Since my last update, not a lot has changed.

My best friend for 7 years was pregnant and so excited for her baby.. But because of stress, she had a miscarriage. I've been trying to be there for her and comfort her as much as I can, but I know how difficult that can be..

My dad kicked me out basically, and I have to find somewhere to live by June 1st. Right after the graduation of seniors at my school. I'm not sure if I can include myself in that group. I still don't know if I'm dropping out.

School is literally killing me.

Saturday night I went to a rave. I was playing with Jenny, but my friend wasnt. I had a great time, though it would have been more fun if I had some actually fun drugs to do for that rave.

This is a picture I took, though it's blurry. I had a pretty awesome panda hat, though you can't see all of it in the picture.

Yesterday was 4/20, and though they had a celebration in the Capitol, I stayed local and went to a raffle. I smoked some bud with some strangers, though really nice people.

I had fun, as strange as it is. 

That's pretty much my life right now.

Since I had strep 3/4 weeks ago, I haven't been home. I stop in every now and then, but I haven't spent a night there in forever. I took boxes over there about a week ago, but I haven't actually been home to pack.

My dad is being a twat muffin, and he never has anything nice to say to me. But I guess I can't blame him, because I doubt he knows how else to be.

I didn't sleep Saturday night at all, and I only fell asleep This morning at 1. So 49 hours without sleeping. Hah. Thanks Jenny. But this morning I woke up late, and didn't have enough time to properly get ready. So I look like shit, and I feel like shit. I'm sitting in my psych class right now, wishing I could cut. Feeling anxious, restless, distracted. I hate coming down. I love going up, just not coming down.

Not this past Saturday, but the one before that, I had some issues. I ended up cutting all of my left arm from shoulder to wrist, my hips and my stomach. After what I did, I was pretty horrified at myself. But obviously that didn't last very long, as I'm wanting to cut again right now. Maybe I shouldn't even try to fight it.

Ohh, and just a random interjection.. My best friend (mentioned above) has a thing for me, and I totally have a thing for her. But she has a boyfriend/fiancé, so I doubt I'd ever get a chance with her. She flirts with me though.. So I'm kinda confused as to where we stand, or if I should even listen to my feelings towards her. Maybe I should just be content being her best friend, and ignore the rest. -sigh- just my randomness here.

I'm trying... Really trying, to survive. But I'm struggling with that right now. It's such a battle, and I'm not sure I have the right weapons to fight.

Kinda Personal Update

Yesterday was absolutely crazy.

I spent the weekend at my mom's, and usually it's pretty nice. This past weekend was stressful though, and I wasn't able to just relax and have fun like I usually do.

My brother (same mother different father) has 2 daughters. One of them was up there yesterday, and I got to see her. It's crazy in that I know who she is, but I wonder if she knows that her dad is my brother. I'm not very close with that side of my family, and I never have been. I've never been given that chance.

So while I was up at my moms, she was constantly in a bad mood and I wasn't in a much better one. My dad kicked me out basically and I am so not ready. I don't currently have a job, I'm not sure I have money to pay for college, so I don't think I'm gonna be enrolling for this upcoming semester. I'm trying to get a court date with my mom, but I'm not sure that I'd even be able to live with her.

I'm dealing with being suicidal nearly every day, an Eating Disorder, possibly dropping out of school, and just all of these things are happening at once. I feel like my dad kicking me out is just his way of rubbing it in.

So he gave me until June 1st. That's about a month away, and right around the time I graduate. If I even do. I hate him so much.

So yesterday I was having issues because I was severely constipated, to say the least. I took a bunch of laxies around 9 that morning and from 10:30 to about 4:30 I was pacing the same 10 feet of space, back and forth. I had music playing but I wasn't hearing it, I was crying and I was cutting. 6 hours straight. My dad just sat downstairs, oblivious.

My mom had been pissed when she dropped me off, and I spent all day trying to call her. She ignored me. Then she texted me saying she had cut herself, and that she couldn't stop the bleeding. She was basically mocking me, and blaming me for some other stuff. Of course that only made me sink lower. I knew I couldn't do anything so I texted my brother to call her and make sure she was okay. He did and she basically called me a snitch and got even more mad at me.  Eventually around 6, the some 11 - 23 laxies I took finally kicked in, and I was able to rest. Well, not really. The damage was already done. Basically all of my left arm from top shoulder to wrist, my hips and my stomach. That's when I finally began to feel the pain, and I stopped.

I didn't sleep much last night thanks to the laxies, and this morning I decided it was too cold to go to school. So I made up some billshit excuse to get out of going and somewhere around 9 or 10 I decided I didn't want to be home. So I went to hang out with C, the only guy that makes me feel truly at peace. I'm not sure if we're dating, but right now the fact that he loves me for me, accepts me at my worst, and doesn't judge me is enough. I'll take the peace while I can get it, because I don't know how long he will be around.

Yesterday while I was having my freak out, I texted somewhere around 6 different people seeing who would respond to a simple "Hey". All people who I knew could understand the ED aspect of this, but 6 nonetheless. I don't know why this bothers me the way it does, but out of all 6 people I texted, Katie is the only one who talked to me. It wasn't anything huge, but she was just there for me to keep me calm when I was having trouble doing that myself. So thank you. Really.

So I've spent most of my day hanging with my best friend. I've found out that she has a thing for me, as I do her. But she has a boyfriend and now she's pregnant, so I know nothing would ever happen. But we had a good talk about some things, and she really helped me. So not all the people in my life are bad. I'm starting to realize that and really appreciate what I have.

Today I'm paying the price for the damage I've done, but it's nothing less than I deserve. I'd do it again of I had to.

I'm spending the night at my best friend's  so that I don't have to go home. But then tomorrow she and I are going to my house to pack my things. Yesterday I was supposed to pack, but I wanted to just throw everything away. I didn't care if it was sentimental or not. I just wanted to get rid of it. But I'm thinking a bit clearer now (Or am I?) so I'm going to do it tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

I didn't eat for 3 days last week (Sunday -  Tuesday), and then I ate for Wesnesday, fasted Thursday, and ate Friday and Saturday. I fasted yesterday and mostly fasted today.

Someone broke my scale or something, because now it doesn't work. I need to get a new battery for it, but I don't have the slightest clue as to where to look. If anyone is reading this, would you have an idea?

My smallest pants (size 11) and my smallest shorts (size 10) are too big for me and that's the only indication I'm losing weight. The last time I weighed myself I was 155 and after yesterday I really have no desire to eat. I had some hot wing flavored pretzels earlier, with a couple pieces of candy. I also had some peanut butter crackers and a diet mtn dew. Overall, I don't think it was a lot of calories, and I'll go back to fasting tomorrow.

I'm tired today, emotionally exhausted and physically sore. But that's nothing less than I deserve. Tomorrow hopefully it'll be better. I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping too much tonight either, just because I'm scared if I do, I don't think ill wake up in time for school tomorrow. I know I need to stop missing school, but I honestly don't think I can. My senior ditch day is next Friday, and I really want to go. But... I'm not sure if I should.

Anyways, if you've made it through all that, I have to give you props. I wasn't intending for it to turn out that long, but I guess I had a lot to say.

Well, seeya.

Weight loss!

4/10

I've been fasting perfectly lately.

With the commotion in my house and everyone worrying about something, nobody is paying attention to me.

About a week ago I was still stuck at a plateau. But I finally broke through that, and now my weight is just slowly going down.

I've been perfectly empty for so long now, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it.

I'm not sure how long I can keep this up, but the longer the better. I need to be anything but fat. I haven't taken laxies in a while either. But I haven't eaten food. So there would be nothing for my body to digest.. Right?

But.. I might have lost my best friend over my eating disorder.. And I don't know how I feel about that. But maybe if ican keep my eating disorder out of our friendship as much as possible and not be so disordered when I'm around them.. Maybe I can keep this friendship.

We've been best friends for about 6 years now. Almost 7. I'd trust her with my life, if I had to.

But I will not stop losing weight.

Dangerous Games

So.. I'm still here.

I've got a late start, and I was hoping I could sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. I lay in bed listening to Pandora.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, and I ended up getting high. Yay for me! No. I have to go to school soon and I'm starting to trip shit.

I'm trying to talk myself down and get my heart out of my stomach, but that isn't working so well.

I know what a fine line I'm walking right now. I know how wrong and stupid it is. Don't say it.

Usually I'm not to shabby when I want to hide something. The first thing I've learned is that if you act sketchy, then you'll get caught. Hence why I'm trying to chill the fuck out.

I just gotta breathe.

Remind myself that I'll be fine.

Right.

Ugh. 

Goodbye

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for falling so far down..

When I was supposed to be on top.

For hurting you when you tried to help me..

For taking the dark path.

I'm sorry for not being the perfect child and grandchild you needed.

I tried so hard but even my best wasn't enough.

Some just aren't meant for life.

Survival of the fittest..

And I wasn't it.

Remember who I used to be. Before I lost myself.

My pain is just unbearable and I've tried everything.

I am drowning in the darkness.

And I just couldn't pull myself out.

Why didn't you see? Signs were everywhere.. But I also didn't want you to see..

Don't blame yourself.

Just know that I am in a better place now..

I don't have to hurt anymore.

Maybe I can be happy somewhere else.

I just didn't fit in here..

I'm sorry.. I love you. I have always and will always love you. Believe that, if nothing else... Goodbye.

Hi there.

The last time I wrote here feels like ages ago. I feel like a lot in me has changed. A lot of things have happened. I'll try not to go into too much detail, otherwise this post would be super long.

If anyone is reading this.

Try not to judge me too harshly.

I've been sick with Strep for roughly the last two weeks. I haven't eaten anything in a couple of days and I know I'm losing weight, though I don't know how much.

I finally fit into a small of youth yoga pants and my smallest pants are slightly big on me.

I had a small pregnancy scare, but lucky for me it turns out I'm not pregnant. So happy for that.

Since then I've definitely made an attempt to be smarter..

I tried some dangerous drugs, and liked it. I can't really admit that to anyone... So it's gonna have to be said here, where nobody can find it.

I haven't decided if I want more yet.

After fasting for the last 3 days, I ate 380 calories. I took a couple laxatives and am gonna be fasting for a couple more days starting tomorrow. I guess only through just straight starving can I lose weight. I'm anxious to know my actual weight though.

I fucked myself over in school and now I just have to deal with it. There's really nothing much I can do except star tfrom now, do the best I can, and hope for the best.

Wish me luck.

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

I had:

1 cup of Cheerios (100)

1/2 cup of fat free milk* (75)

Sugar (30)

Coffee (90)

for breakfast this morning. The milk I mostly poured out, I didn't drink any of it. So my total for breakfast is 220.

More than I'd have liked, but I'll compensate with lunch/dinner.

My weight remains frustratingly the same this morning. So I'm going to try to go for more walks, and try to keep my caloric intake the lowest it can possibly be.

......

220 feels like a lot to have in one meal. It's such a huge number. Two-hundred and twenty calories. Two hundred and twenty little pieces of fat that are going to cement themselves to my body.

How disgusting.

I think I'm gonna take a walk and try to use some amount those calories up.

For lunch I had:

Chicken and rice soup (200)

1/2 a banana (45)

-200 for walking

Total cals today: 465

Net cals: 265

I'm still gonna work on burning more of it off. I'm still disgusting.

Just Thinking

The scale definitely said something I didn't like this morning. Ugh. I knew it was going to, despite the laxies.

It's late afternoon here, an so far I've fasted all day. I've had diet dr. Pepper, coffee, and some water, and no more.

I know I have to lose weight.

I went shopping earlier, and I was thinking about dresses. I've never been much for them, but now I'm starting to want some. :P (kill me before I get too girly here) But I want to be able to wear them and look pretty... Which means losing weight. I've got all kinds of ideas that have to make my weight go down. I've got all weekend to do it, too. Wish me luck!!

I'm finally not sick anymore, which I'm happy about. (: the only symptom that I have is my ear infection, but there's nothing I can do for that. I'm just happy to be off the fucking steroids. They were all kinds of wrong.

I've just got to remember to just keep breathing, despite how much I don't want to. Just more second, just one more minute, just one more day.

April 1st is coming up. If you've followed my blog for at least a year, you'll know what I'm talking about.

My impulses are growing stronger, and I'm feeling slightly less inclined to fight them off. It'd be the perfect date. Sick and twisted, but perfect nonetheless.

-sigh- it's whatever.

Anyways, I hope you're having a good day. Seeya.

Update

Well, I just totaled my cals for the day... And it's not even dinner yet.

I'm regretting seeing that number, so much. I wish I hadn't calculated them, but at the same time I had to know.

I took around 7 laxies, so I really hope I don't gain tomorrow. I'll probably take some more after dinner.

In May, my family is going out of state for my cousins graduation, and they want me to go with. I honestly don't know if I want to.

Here's the pros and cons.

Pro's:

- it'll be fun, and I'll get to see my family.

- it'll be much warmer than it is here.

- it'll be a fun road trip with my family.

- perfect chance to meet hot guys, now that I'm single.. (;

Con's:

- if I go, I have to massively tan before I go. They can't see my scars.

- ill have to get a pair of swimming trunks so that I can hide the majority of my scars.

- Cant wear shorts, must wear leggings or pants

- I'm fat, and I don't want them to see how fat I've gotten.

- Eartng at least 2/3 times a day (my family is made of people who love food and love to eat)

So... Right now there are a lot more cons than there are pros. I've got some tanning lotion though, and I'm going to start using it to see if it helps. Maybe if I start now, 2 months will be good enough. Long enough to at least hide most of my scars. I know that some of the more "purple" ones and the deeper ones won't fade, and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. 

Though about a year ago, my youngest cousin had a go at cutting. I wouldn't have known this, but my family is full of gossipers. So everyone knew he was doing it. They made such a big deal out of it and I know it wasn't helpful to him. But my scars are much worse than his are, and probably in a greater number. I couldn't face them if they saw them, I couldn't imagine how they'd react.

So my options are to either tan them away as much a possible and deal with that loss, or don't go at all. I guess I'll see how much weight I can lose before them too.

Speaking of which, I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I think I'm going to make it a soup- type fast. Like, one day I'll eat chicken noodle soup broth only, and the next day eat just the 190 cals of soup. It's going to be a very restrictive fast, and I've also got to worry about school.

I just wish it was over already.

I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow and start tracking my weightloss. Since I don't have another person to work with, I'm going to just have to compete with myself and use my blog.

So that should be coming up.

It's been kind of nice here, with the sun shining. It would be nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sun, but I'm much too cold for that. I have not been able to stay warm recently. It kind of sucks. But I guess that's just something I'm gonna deal with. I hope this weather stays, and that it doesn't decide to recede into winter again. 

Well, that's pretty much all I've got to update right now. Have a lovely day. Xx

Done.

Fuck life.

Feeling Sick and Restless

Yesterday I was taken to the doctor because we thought I had Strep. I ended up testing negative, so they started thinking it was Mono, but again I tested negative. After a few more tests, I got diagnosed withTonsillitis. So now I'm on antibiotics for the next 4 days.

With that being said, everyone is trying to get me to eat food. Yesterday was kind of a binge.. But somehow I haven't gained. Still in that plateau.

I'm eating significantly less food today. I've had half of a banana and an omelette, a pancake with syrup, and a glass of apple juice. But it's only 9am here and I've been up since 3am. So I've got all day to burn that off, plus probably another 200 cals (I have to eat something for lunch and dinner with my meds, though low cal).. Think I can do it? I can.

I'm gonna be hoping for a loss tomorrow. 

I've got this strange thing going on with my stomach. I'll be standing or sitting somewhere and feel absolutely fine. Then 2 seconds later, without any warning I'll throw up. It sucks, and it happens even if my stomach is empty.

So I've been taking some anti-puke pills and they help a little bit.

I'm enjoying my spring break, for the most part.

I just can't think about school or I'll start panicking

All I want to do is sleep. Either that or go for a run, though that option is kind of out of the question for a while. But it makes me feel fat.

I didn't sleep much last night (only from like 11 to 3am) and then I was up, so I smoked a bunch of weed and when I got back from breakfast, I slept from about 9 to 3. Ugh. Even if my body needed it, I hate it. I'd rather be awake during the day.

I've been feeling suicidal again, and yet again there's nothing I can do except shut down and just be. Not feel, not think. My arms pay the price.

It's a beautiful day outside, but there's nothing to do. At least it feels like Spring a little. It's still only 36 degrees here, though.

I'm gonna try to enjoy it while I can.

I'm addicted to listening to Eminem. I'm not sure why, but I like his music. Anyone else listen to him?

Well, that's really all I've got to say. I hope everyone else has a good day too. 

I want to scream. I want to punch walls.

I want to physically hurt myself in all ways possible.

I kind of want to degrade myself and cause myself the worst amount of pain. I want to hate. I need to hurt.

I need to break myself down until there's nothing left.

I am a monster, not a human.

I don't even know. This is destroying me, and I'm letting it. How much longer will I stand before I fall?

I'm afraid not very long.

It Happened.

So I finally talked to my boyfriend last night. It wa a hard conversation to have, but after talking about a lot of different things.. We broke up.

I knew it was probably going to happen. I was preparing myself for it, but apparently not enough. I layed in bed last night an it took everything I had not to text or call him and take back everything. But I keep trying to make myself believe it is for the best. We agreed on staying friends, but I'm not sure that's even possible.

How do you go from loving someone to "just being friends"? Even so, I don't want to lose him, not after everything we've been through together.

But I'm okay with knowing that why I did is for his benefit as well as mine. We both deserve to be happy. But 3 years is a long ass time.

No work got done yesterday, and then I was going to wake up early this morning to do it... But that failed too. Then I had about a half hour before my first class this morning, and I didn't get anything done there either. I have 3 days left before I can forget about it all for a while. Why is it so hard?

My mom got some mushrooms for her birthday which is on Sunday. She wants me to spend it with her and tripp. So that should make for an interesting weekend.

I have 3 classes today, and I'm not excited about any of them. I just want it all to be over, and tomorrow too, and Fiday. I want to not stress out so much.  But j can't slack off for these three days. So I'm going to try to shit my mind off as much as possible and just get through these days.

Restless Procrastination

I've taken somewhere around 14 laxatives so far today, but it still doesn't feel like enough. I'm visibly shaking, but I'm not hungry. That to me is the equivalent of failure.. How could I not be hungry?

I've been trying to work on schoolwork all afternoon, but I haven't gotten very far. I can't concentrate very well, and I can feel the swell of anticipation as it nears 6:30 here. Hopefully I'll have some answers.
I've spent all day inside, pretty much. Does that make anyone else restless?
But there's really nothing I can allow myself to do, seeing as I've got a ton of schoolwork to be done and it simply isn't getting done.

So far today I've had 490 cals. Which consisted of half a burrito (which my body rejected thanks to laxies) and a little bit of soda, to try to calm my stomach. Hopefully that doesn't make me gain tomorrow. It'd be really nice if I could weigh in 2.5+ lbs lower tomorrow. All I can do is hope though.

All I want to do is sleep. I haven't got any weed to calm my raging thoughts, so I just want to sleep and let the world fade away for a long while. But I can't let myself sleep until all of my schoolwork is done, and there's more than I remember having.
I can't wait until I'm out of school and can walk away from it knowing I never have to return to it. I know there's college and all, but I'm still unsure about my future there, so I'm avoiding thinking about it.

I don't know how to get rid of this restlessness. I've been procrastinating my schoolwork all day, and I think the stress from that is what's causing it. But when you have to write 4 - 5 short essays, it's easy to procrastinate.
But I need to get it done.
So I'm gonna go figure shit out with my boyfriend (assuming that's at all possible) and then it's back to schoolwork. Wish me luck?

Question?

Last night I took around 4 laxies, expecting them to kick in around 2 - 6am this morning. They kicked in between 6 and 7am instead, and I ended up telling my family I was sick and throwing up so I could stay home.
Since then, I've been taking about 3 laxatives every hour. So far I'm at 8 and it's just past noon. I'm not planning on eating anything either. After seeing my weight this morning, eating anything is out of the question.

I'm still unsure of things with my boyfriend, but I'm trying to find a way to talk to him and figure things out. Our communication isn't great, which is one of the reasons we're probably breaking up.
I've got a question for anyone reading this and willing to answer. Answers would be greatly appreciated. So here it is: How would you define a whore/skank/cheater/slut/etc? I know those aren't exactly the same thing, but any answers would be appreciated.

I'm ready for spring. It's only 2 days away, yet it's snowing here. It's snowed a lot this past Winter, and I'm quite ready for it to be over. I mean, there's 3 days until Spring Break! How could it possibly be snowing? Haha.
Anyways, that's my thought processes today; nothing too interesting. I hope everyone has a good day.

My Mountains

I've lived here my entire life, and if I ever lived anywhere else... I wouldn't know what to do. I think it's absolutely beautiful.

I took a trip with my aunt up to the mountains this weekend, and here is the view that I could see. Although it was cold, it was absolutely beautiful.

I wonder what others who don't live here think of it. Do they see the same beauty? I've lived in the city my entire life. But I've known people who have lived in the mountains, and I can't help but think what a different life that must be. Not in a bad way.

I was so happy I got to take this trip with them, because I really don't get to go up there enough. I love it every time I go though. And even seeing the city from the mountain point of view, it's crazy. It's so different, and I'm so happy that I get to live here.

One Step Forward...

Two steps back.

Yesterday wasn't a great food day.. And I took somewhere around 8 laxies in the evening. They didn't kick in.

So for breakfast I ate half of a potato, tomato, egg, and cheese burrito (around 160). Took 2 laxies.

Then I had lunch with my aunts which was 2 chicken tenders with a few French fries. (Guessing 300). Took 2 more laxies. Thought about it and took 8 more.

I had 330 cals in liquids, and 190 in Pringles. Took 4 more laxies, because they still hadn't kicked in.

Had dinner and had to eat too much, and now I'm debating taking 8 more laxies.

Total cals for the day = Too many

Total laxies = 24

Still not enough.

Tomorrow I'm fasting, for at least 4 days. I'm also going back to vegetarianism with a few vegan tendencies. I felt better that way. Laxies are kicking in slowly, and I'm gonna keep taking them until I'm empty.

In May my family wants me to go on a trip with them to visit family. But as it will be summer and they have a more humid climate, I won't be able to wear hoodies. They don't know about my self harm or even my scars. So I'm nervous to go and wondering if I'll have time to tab enough to hide them. Stupid stress.

I cut a few different times today. It's almost like I have to do it more and deeper these days just to feel okay. I'm still waiting to hit rock bottom, but I might as well enjoy the view in the way down. So that's what I'm doing.

Just an update. I'll weigh tomorrow even though I know I shouldn't. I hope it isn't too bad.

Moving Forward

So it seems like I'm on a roll here.

There was fucking up with A, who won't speak to me now. I've tried several times and gotten basically no response.

Then there's another guy, C, that my roommate is trying to set me up with. The only thing is.. I'm not interested. If anything, he and I will just be friends. But I'm not even sure that's a possibility right now. I met him for the first time yesterday, and I suppose it went alright.  Not too sure what to make of him though.

I'm trying to talk to my boyfriend, but so far that's just not happening very well. The thing is.. I liked being able to have some fun, however wrong it may have been under the circumstances. I don't necessarily regret what I did, just how I went about doing it. I've realized the reality of this long distance relationship. It's had positive sides, but it has had negatives too. But essentially it all comes down to what I need. I need someone here, who I can actually be with and see. Right now, I don't have that.

So next chance I get to talk to him, hopefully I'll able to figure this out.

I'm starting to get really tired of hiding all the time. Hiding my scars, hiding my pain. I was in a t-shirt yesterday and my roommate saw my lower forearms. She made some comment to the effect of "I hope you're not doing that anymore." I said I wasn't. I lied and told her that it had been 7 months to a year since the last time I cut or burned. But it hasn't. She mentioned how she has seen my upper arms, which is where the deeper scars are. Usually I'm always in a hoodie and hiding me. When I sleep is the only time I don't think about hiding them. But she said she was in my room while I was sleeping and saw them, and I freaked. For one, I have a phobia about people being in my room while I'm asleep, but also because my roommate has some sir of fascination with my self harm. When I first did the deep one on my thigh, she wanted to see it. While it headed, she wanted to know everything about it. The ones on my arms, she wants to see. Which makes me really uncomfortable. They're my cuts for me.. As stupid as that may sound. But I always have to hide them because they make everyone else uncomfortable. They act like they're afraid of me. And that just makes it worse.

My dad also admitted yesterday to going in my room while I wasn't there. I have some serious privacy issues, because that was the one place I shouldn't have to hide everything about myself. But apparently, now I do.

Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset?

I'm ready for the weekend. I currently haven't got plans, though I'm trying to make some. But I'm also going to rest for a little while I can before next week. It's hell week, since it's right before spring break. I'm slightly excited for spring break, though I haven't got plans for that either. No definite ones, at least. I'm probably the most boring teenager ever.. I don't do really anything.

I'll have to try to fix that. (:

I don't know what my weight is. I'm right on the boarder between two different chunks of weight, and I can't seem to he past it. So I'm gonna give IF a shot, seeing it can help. I just need to lose around 4 lbs with IF and then it should creak my plateau. Wish me luck?

Have any of you (if you're reading this) hear if the song Pompeii by Bastille? The first time I listened to it, I didn't think much of it. Then heard it again, and now I'm addicted to it. I can't stop playing it on my iPod.

But I always need new music, so if you have any good songs, leave me a comment? It'd be greatly appreciated. (:

Anyways, that's my long-ish update for now. It turned into a little bit of a rant, but if you managed to read through all of that, I give props to you.

I need to remember this!! ^^

....

I messed up. Kinda sorta really bad.

I messed up in more ways than one, and I know I should feel worse than I do.

I've sunk to being just that low of a person, and I'm undeserving of every good thing in my life. The one person I've told about it basically told me what I already know.

But I can't do it. As much as I know I need to do it, I'm more inclined to hide it. Forget it ever happened, and never say a word. I could do it too...

I know how distrustful I am.

I'm manipulative.

I'm a bitch.

I'm not worthy of what I have anymore.

But I feel almost nothing. I say almost, because I'm fucked up in ways beyond my years. I feel everything.. Anger. Guilt. Panic. Hate. Shame. More guilt.

But I feel nothing at the same time. Nothing I'm supposed to feel... Remorse. A want to make it right. To lose them because of my actions, as I deserve to do.

No.. I'm apparently not that good of a person anymore. I've sunk way lower... But still I feel nothing.

Undeserving

Fuck me. I'm so fucking fat. And I ate Chinese food tonight. I didn't deserve that, but I did it anyways. I'm so gonna gain.

 "Too big for me"...

Well fuck you , too! There goes my self esteem. 

I want to cut , so much. I've cut my arms, but it's not enough. I need to cut more. But I know that no matter how much I cut, it will never be enough.

I feel sick to my stomach. I wish I had something to make it all fade away. Yes, I'm talking about drugs and alcohol. But I don't. I have to do this on my own.

I'm trying not to freak out and have a panic attack. What I ate doesn't feel like 375 cals. And my laxies aren't working. So I guess I'll take more.

It's time to stop thinking.

Peace out.

Update

Heya.

It snowed yesterday, and rained for a little while. I wish the rain would've stayed around longer.

I absolutely love the rain. Everything about it. It's so simple, yet it has the power to make me so happy.

Someday I'll take a roadtrip and find several rainy places to go. I'll camp outside, and just enjoy it.

Someday.

The essay that I had to write? I stayed up until 3am and handed it in. Not even an hour after that, he handed it back and told me he wouldn't even grade it because everything about it was wrong. He gave me until Monday to redo it, which actually translates into Sunday from 1pm-ish on. Fuck that.

I'm not stressing this weekend. Yesterday was a good day mentally and emotionally although I ate more than I wanted to. Today will be too. Tomorrow I'll worry about my schoolwork, and myself. Everything that usually gives me anxiety.

I saw my mom today. We're so close to getting everything just so that it's perfect. Freedom. But I still have to wait.

Spring break for me is in about 2 weeks. Depending on whether I can get a car and my liscense by then or not, I might be taking a trip to Florida for a bit to visit family and a friend. I am starting to doubt it. I'm not prepared for that at all. But we'll see.

Other than that, I haven't really got much to say. Life is pretty okay this weekend and I'm gonna enjoy it before it's back to school. (:

Fuck School/Graduation

I'm so over school. I just don't think I can take much more of this stress, and the hard part hasn't even come yet.

I was failing AP Lit and I went and talked to my teacher, and he basically gave me until the end of today to turn everything in. He assigned two essays that were due yesterday, huge assignments. I wasn't done, and he gave me a slight extension.

I was up until 3am this morning writing my essay, and I was hoping to at least get partial credit. About an hour after I turned it in, he handed it back and told me he wouldn't even grade it because everything about it was incorrect, and it basically sucked.

So that was all for nothing.

I'm quite a bit crushed right now... I can't believe it.

I was hoping to enjoy my weekend, and I suppose I still will try. But having that hang over my head is definitely not going to be possible to ignore.

I have so much work in school right now that there just isn't enough time to do it all. How can they expect us students to complete it all?

My weight is pretty much staying the same, but I'm planning to fast from 9am today to the end of Sunday. If I do well on this essay and my assignments for that class, only then will I be allowed to rest and eat.

I feel like I talk about school a lot here, and I don't like it. But school is literally my life right now. It's pretty much the cause of all of my stress, all of my thoughts, everything.

I have a little less than 2 1/2 months until my graduation. That scares the shit out of me. But all I can do is accept it and graduate. I will be the first person in my family to graduate high school.

That's a tripp. How is that possible?

Anyways, that's just an overview of my life right now.. I need the weekend to come, but at the same time I don't want it to.

Spring Is Coming!

It's been sunny and warm here, for the most part. At least during the day. I love it! I can feel Spring coming, and it makes me super excited.

This TCAP testing is messing with my schedule, and it's kind of crazy. But next Tuesday I have no school (Thanks to TC(r)AP. So I'm pretty psyched.

My weight has been going down, though by how much I'm not sure. Last I weighed was 161 (partially dressed) and I was bloated. So I know I'm in the 150's. Which I'm happy about. I just want this fucking bloating to stop...
Whoever said laxatives don't aid in weightloss is wrong, because I'm pretty sure that's the only way I've been losing weight. But hey! I'll take it. A loss is a loss.

Anyways, I just wanted to update here.. As I haven't in a few days. I had a high-calorie lunch, and took 6 laxies. It's been almost 5 hours and they still haven't kicked in. I'm debating whether or not to eat dinner and take more laxies... I need to feel empty again.

I hate how everything feels unstable right now, and like if I take one wrong step I'm done for. Life isn't supposed to be like that, or maybe it is. What the hell do I know? But I guess if I can't enjoy it, I can at least grin and bear it - until I figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. We'll see how well that works out.

I hope everyone reading this has a groovy kind of day! (; Appreciate the small things and try not to stress so much.

New Week, New Start

This has been a really lazy weekend for me, and this week will be pretty lazy as well.

I have standardized testing for the underclassmen at my school, so for most days my classes don't start until around noon. Which I think will be nice. Or so I'm hoping.

Maybe I'll be able to exercise, and it will at least help me fast a bit. I want to fast as much as possible.

Today my family has been really irritating. They want to make conversation but I don't want to talk. I want to just be left alone and be silent. I know I'm slipping back into my depression, but I don't want to pull myself out. It's easier to just live with the misery right now.

I want to get out of my house and go somewhere or do something, but I don't know what there really is to do. I'm avoiding schoolwork as much as I can until the last possible moment I have to do it.

I'll be going home here soon, and then there's some cleaning I know I have to do. I don't mind that so much, since it's mostly mindless work.

I had a little bit of lunch with my grandparents, and took around 6 laxies afterwards. I hope I don't gain.

I just want to say thank you to Katie Elizabeth here on blogger. She's been such a great support to me, even in my dark times. She always leaves kind words on my posts and makes me smile. She's there to talk to when I need a friend, and I'm grateful for that. So thank you. Xx

   ^^ She alway comes to lay with me when I'm having a hard day. It's so sweet.

I hope everyone reading this has a good week, because you deserve it. 

Fear Controls Me

I'm scared to sleep, scared of what I might find there. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to fall into sleep and away from reality.

It's almost 1 am here, and I know I should be sleeping but I can't. The laxies I took earlier should kick in here soon. I really hope so.

I weighed myself earlier. (Almost fully dressed) and the scale said 165. I weighed again just a little bit ago, and the scale said 164.5. So my weight is dropping, but I'm also bloated and had extra weight added so I'm not stressing too much. But I just want my fucking period over with.

I feel purposeless, and that's probably the worst feeling ever because where do you go from here? What do you do? I don't know.

I have a stupid cold combined with allergies and I think it's starting to make my tonsils swell up again. This scares me because both times I've had it happen before I was almost rushed to the ER because my throat was closing and I couldn't breathe. I really don't want it to happen again, but there's not much more ican do that I'm not already doing. I guess hope. I just have to hope the swelling goes down.

I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out about everything. Having someone to talk to right now would be amazing, but normal people are asleep. Can't blame them.. I would be too.

So I'm on my own.

Wish me luck.

Whatever.

I'm so scared of the future.

Not necessarily of tomorrow, or the day after. I'm afraid of next year and beyond.

Scared of growing up, but also more than that.

I'm scared of changing as I know I will. I'm scared of what that means.

It's not just a slight fear, though. Thinking about even the smallest part of it gives me panic attacks. Makes me want to run and hide.

... Makes me even more sure that I won't be around for it to happen.

I cut again to tonight. I've missed it, and I can't deny that it felt good.. But it's not enough. It's never enough.

Nothing is ever enough, and quite frankly I'm just fucking done. Nothing ever changes, and it never will. This is all ill ever be until the day I die. Which might not be so far away.

I'd say I'm sorry... But I'm simply just done feeling. I don't want to care anymore, and I don't want to exist.

I'm done.

Saturday Yet Again

I've not done a lot today. But I'm trying to be okay with that.

I haven't eaten much either. I had 1 cheezeit cracker, and a couple of chocolate chip cookies (the mini kind) toget the rest of the laxies out of my system and now, I'm gloriously empty.

I'm kind of sick right now, so I don't feel like doing much except laying around. I did go for a walk though.

There was this guy in a wheelchair that came up to me while I was walking  and started saying some really creepy stuff. I basically told him that I can't help him and made up an excuse to leave, but he was still really creepy.

I didn't feel like he was gonna hurt me though.

 I'm not weighing myself because I'm on my period and I know the number will just be high. So once my period is over, I'll see where I stand.

I wish I could just cease to have my period. I know that means I'd be infertile, but I honestly don't care. I don't want my own kids anyways.

I've been kind of sad today, but I'm trying to hide it and push it away as much a I can. Later tonight ill deal with it when nobody else is around.

That's pretty much all I've got to say for now, I'll update more later maybe. I hope everyone is having a better weekend than I am.