Last night while dancing at guard, I hurt my foot. I couldn't walk, and I was hoping my instructor wouldn't notice, as I wanted to keep dancing, to learn. But after I started crying, well, that went out the window. She told me to sit out the rest of the practice.
I wanted to be able to dance, but I didn't want to hurt my foot anymore than I already had. So I sat out. Bleh.
I feel so... bad. Like not in a bad mood, or anything. But like I shouldn't be around anyone. Because to those that are normal, I feel like my negativity is something they shouldn't have to experience, and to people on here that have recovered, I feel like i'm letting them down. They try to help, they give such great advice, but I feel like because of where i'm at right now, I don't deserve it. Or like i'm letting them down because I can't follow it. That's why i'm pulling away from everyone, because for one, they don't deserve to go through this, but two, I feel like i'm letting them down, and I can't stand that.
Some days I want to be normal, some days I know I need to try harder, and then I can lose the weight and get healthy, and some days I just want to die. I don't know what day i'm going to have, but I do know it's always one of those three. Am I the only one feeling this way? Why can't I just be okay?
I'm so encompassed in anger, I can't see anything else. I get mad at everyone for everything, but if you saw me, you'd never be able to tell. Unless you actually do something, then I might have some problems. I want to be alone, and I don't want anyone to worry about my life, but i've also grown so used to having people around, people to talk to, I can't do that. Now, to stop being negative!
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I get to go driving today!! And she's going to help me learn things to get my permit, so that people can teach me how to drive without it being illegal! So i'm super excited for that!
My foot is feeling better. Kinda. At first we thought that it was just a cramp, but when it got worse, we thought maybe I had torn something. The pain is more tollerable now, and i'm glad. I have guard tomorrow too. Starting bright and early at 8 am. Grr.
I hate that guard is taking up so much of my time, I mean, we've never practiced this much before.
But it's a good day :D
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
I'm sorry to hear about your foot and having to sit out. That sucks. And you're not letting anyone down sweetie. If you want to do recovery, do it for yourself, not everyone else. LOL, I should take my own advice. Stay strong my dear.
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I don't know if I want recovery. I don't but at the same time, I don't want to stay this way. I'm so torn, confused, and scared. I hate it. I am doing this for myself. Being sick if for myself. That's why I don't know.
DeleteBut thanks for the advice! (: Take care. You stay strong too. Xx