So... Talking to my counselor was almost a complete fail.
I went in and told her about my day, how I had woken up at 4 am, totally awake, and had a good day, until my 4th class. Then I told her how my energy just went down and I didn't give a shit, and then how I was ditching my last two classes.
We talked about my mood swings for about 5 minutes, and she said that she was going to refer me to a mental healthy clinic for "depression" which I don't think I have... Most days.
I know this is going to sound really messed up, but I'm all for honesty here if nowhere else.
I want help with my mood swings. I want help with my anxiety. I don't want to have to deal with those anymore. but I don't want help with my eating. I am not ready to give that up yet, because I haven't reached my goal, and honestly, what I'm doing doesn't even qualify as an Eating Disorder anymore.
Here's what a typical day for me looks like.
Wake up (6am - 7am depending on the day)
Drink about half a liter of water, while getting ready for school (6 - 6:20am)
Leave for school, spend about half an hour taking buses to get to school. (6:30am - 7am)
Free time at school (7am - 8am)
Drink lots more water while going through mindless wok in school (8am - 3 pm)
Spend another hour and a half on the bus going home (3:30pm - 5pm)
Chores/drink more water time (5pm - 5:30pm)
Free time/ homework time/drink more water time (6pm - whenever I go to bed)
I usually don't eat in a day, other than dinner. I drink tons of water, and I try to stay active.
I am mostly okay.
Here's the weird part though... When I say I'm scared of getting help, it's not that I'm scared of what they can do for me. No. I don't care too much about them. I'm scared of my family.
My dad is so judgmental, I can't imagine what he would think of me. And my grandparents would make a bigger deal out of it than it already is, so that's why I'm scared of them..
I feel trapped. I don't know how to feel, how to react.
I am not sure I like where this is going...
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Ah darling... That's not normal eating patterns. But I definitely understand not wanting to give up what we have. I hope you can find peace with the anxiety and such... I don't want you to be depressed <3
ReplyDeletePlease take care <3
-Emma
I don't want to be depressed either, but i'm scared of what they will do, how they will take away all of my eating patterns. I want to be somewhat skinny, so that I can feel better about myself.. That's all I want.
DeleteHow do you mean that's not normal eating? That's the way it's always been for me, even before I actually developed an ED. I don't know what "normal" is.
I'm honestly scared shitless right now.. terrified. >.<
Just started following you a while back. Just had to say something after I read this post. You are strong, you can get through this. You can't let yourself surrender to your anxiety. haha I'm sure you've heard this before: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. and when you don't get any food into your system in the morning. Its unhealthy And I know you think its okay but its not. trust me. I have those kind of days aswell. but going to school without any food in your system basically wears you down and you Won't be able to focus in school. i'll read your blog more now. Starting from today :)I'll go through some previous ones aswell, just so i get an idea of what your going through and try and be a nice-anonymous-helpfull-blogger-friend. :) <3
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet! ^_^ Thank you.
DeleteI know that it isn't healthy to skip breakfast, but I usually don't have time in the mornings to eat it, not that we keep any of that food around the house. So I used to my Freshman Year of High School, but then when my schedule changed, I couldn't eat it anymore. And since I've developed my ED, it's that much easier to justify skipping breakfast. It's so confusing.
but try. Please try. It'll do you no good to skip. Quite honestly, i usually never have time for breakfast, I just glup down some orange juice, grab a bread and cheese and RUN for the train! I could just give up on it. I could say the same thing as you. ''I never have enough time in the morning so i don't eat breakfast'' BUt i try don't i? Even if it means I have to get up 10 minutes earlier. Looking for excuses will never let you reach your goals. I know you want to get better and there IS a way. You just need to believe in yourself. Your parents might not support a healthy diet But YOU are the one that matters here. You will be the one to step up and say No to your anxiety and even though I'm here to encourage you, its all up to you.
ReplyDeleteI have taken this into consideration. I do believe that eating breakfast is a good start to a day. It does, after all, boost your metabolism and help you burn more calories. So I can do that. This morning, I ate a bagel with cream cheese, and I actually didn't feel self conscious. Well, I felt self conscious, and like a loner, because I am. But that's normal, and i'm okay with it.
DeleteWhat I didn't realize... is that my school serves breakfast. How weird is that? They've apparently done it since last year, but as I never go into the cafeteria, (or when I do have to in there, I walk through it as fast as possible avoiding people and the food.) Huh. So I guess some days I can start eating breakfast at school.
I know there is a way, and I just have to find it. I have to muster up the strength and the will to get to my goals. Thank you. (:
Thats more like it. Xx please be true and keep trying. Write about it. Write about how ur willing to try and make it better one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI will try. I'm hoping that in 8 months, I can have everything I want, and be okay as well. I am going to start exercising more. I have made a fitness plan with my friend, to work out 2 times a week. I also have Colorguard starting Tuesday, if you know what that is. So that takes up 3 more days of the week, which leaves two for no exercising. Shouldn't be too bad, if I just keep eating what i'm eating now and work with the program. (: I'm excited. This might not be so hard.
Deletewhat exactly are you eating my dear?
ReplyDeleteI eat a bagel or some fruit for breakfast... occasionally. I never eat lunch, unless I binge, which leads to purging. And dinner is a disaster. Usually ends in a binge, or just not eating at all, and then I usually self harm. It's not a good combo. It's getting better.
Delete