Searching for the light

I've hit a few hard points recently. I don't know if they're gonna stick or not, or if they're fleeting.

I'm so scared to write this here, to write what's gone on in the past few days. Like people will see it and think less of me. And I know eventually Cimiron will see this, and I don't want him to worry... I want to be okay, for him, and for myself. I don't want him to have to deal with this, to be effected by this. I don't want him to know about this, but at the same time, I do. I don't want to talk about this. :/

But I need to.

Well... *takes deep breath* Here goes. Please don't think less of me, I want to come out stronger on the other side, my tunnel is just long.

So about 4 days ago, I had a major lapse in judgement, control, sanity. Everything, really. I ended up self harming a lot... for everything I ate. I am still watching the cuts heal, the pain. It's ridiculous and I'm so ashamed of it. It was a theory that if I punished myself, I wouldn't want to eat. So my little deal was that I could eat if I cut one time for every bite. I can't even tell you how much I KNOW this is wrong. I really do.

Anyways, everything was pretty much good after that, I was able to watch what I ate, but I didn't restrict, I was okay. Then yesterday I ended up eating a lot, and I felt really bad when I got home, so my first instinct was to self harm. And as I was getting ready to, I remembered a promise I made to a friend of mine. That promise was that I would text him if I felt the need to self harm. So I did. And that's how I spent my night, basically. I texted him, and he gave me advice, and he talked me down, and even today, he talked to me, and helped me. I owe him everything, he's amazing. He has no reason to help me. He's never met me. He could just tell me to deal with it and get over it, but instead, he just helped. I don't know how.

Today went a little better, but not by much. I still ate a lot, and I wanted to scream and jump and cry because I have a weigh-in tomorrow and I'm so scared that I won't lose weight. If I don't, I'm afraid of what'd happen. I need this.
I went to go for a run earlier, after I had dinner and fought with my dad. He was mad because he misunderstood where I was when I asked him to pick me up. But nonetheless, I had a good dinner, but felt really bad afterwards.
I went for a run as soon as I got home. I managed to run almost a mile, but I had a few moments where I felt light headed and felt like I was going to pass out. I'm pretty sure if I had finished the quarter of the lap that I was running, I'd have passed out. So I came home, drank a lot of water, and here I am. I'm feeling a lot better now, but I want something. I don't know what.

No. That's a lie. I want someone to pay attention to me, I want to shine somewhere, feel good at something. I want something that makes me stand out, something that has nothing to do with appearance. Like... performing on stage. Something like that. Where people want to see me, where I'm the focus, where I'm special.
But I don't know how to get that.

I talked to my counselor at school, and she said that she was worried about me wanting to isolate myself, that I didn't care so much that I was failing classes. She said that in 2 weeks, she wants to talk to me about my eating habits. Like she wants to know what they are, and get an idea about them. That makes me really nervous, because my eating habits never fly with people. I don't think I have an Eating Disorder, but I've got some odd eating habits. I don't know if I want her to know, but I've got 2 weeks to worry about it. And then Thanksgiving Break! I'm sure you can imagine my reaction to that one.

I feel so weird. Jumbled, insane, crazy, happy, sad, pissed off, everything. I don't even know anymore.
If you read through all of that, congrats. I don't expect anyone to though.