At 12:25 this morning, vegetables (180) and some bread (?) snuck their way into my mouth before I could stitch my lips shut.
24 hour fast completed, just in time for my monthly visitor and bloating from hell.
At 12:25 this morning, a sliver of cookie-dough slithered into my mouth and between all the words of protest yet to be spoken.
At 12:26 this morning, the blade etched fourteen perfect little lines of strength into my skin. "Not enough" the voice whispered in my head. "More..." said the demons in the kitchen. "Deeper, deeper, deeper" chanted Ana. Punishment for not staying strong. But only a glimpse of the self destruction yet to come.
With blood running down my thigh, I can't help but to feel a tiny twinge of satisfaction as the pain erases everything. Only momentarily, though. The proof is written all over my body. "More" says the voice. "Not good enough." "Worthless." "Failure."
Shivers race down my spine, and I know I am alone in this perfect moment. Pain humming through my body, nerves standing on end, mind finally quiet. The only moments of peace I have, anymore.
I put the blade away, promising to limit myself. But as I slide into bed and lay my head on the pillow, a small smile crosses my lips. I know my friend and I have time yet to come, with no limits to be had.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
This is so beautifully written. It saddens me to hear that you're still self harming, but I completely understand. Another demon that we are faced to live with. Most of the time when I indulge in behaviors, it's the only time I feel peace. It's just me and my ed. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I don't think I will ever really be able to stop self harming. I'm "Content" with it, if you will. It's the only peace I have and I won't give that up.
DeleteBut thank you, Katie. It means a lot. Xx