Standing near the door waiting for the bell to ring, I unconsciously pulled up my hoodie sleeves. Maybe 10 seconds or so later, I pull them back down and walk away embarassed.
I walk to the instructor, Yashka. I ask her a question, trying not to fidget. Right as I walk out of the room, I turn to the sound of my name.
"Camille?"
"Yes? Hey."
"Are those what I think they are?"
*Points at my arms*
"Depends on what you think they are."
I nervously pulled my sleeves down.
"I just wanted to warn you to keep your sleeves down. I got caught like that last year, and I wanted to warn you."
Looking at her suspiciously, I quietly say "I know. I got caught last year and nobody said anything.. But thanks."
"I just wanted to say that. Have a nice day!"
My heart is *still* pounding, 20 minutes later. Hope races through me, but so does fear and distrust. Now that this girl knows my secret, one at least, I don't know if I can trust her. I want to. I want to so badly. I want someone here that can understand, someone like me. Fear makes my stomach drop just thinking about it. Did others see? Will she tell?
I don't want anyone seeing my arms. I never cut there. Ever, except for now. Why now, I don't know. But I only know that it feels good. Really good. I don't want to stop, and I know that if anyone finds out, I'm fucked. Hiding the scars will be a challenge, too. But I can do it.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Wait, so does this mean your instructor cuts as well??
ReplyDeleteFrom what it sounds like it doesn't seem like she'll tell.
It wasn't my instructor that mentioned it, it was another student. I hope she doesn't tell, but I mean.. I don't know her enough to fully know that.
Delete