I haven't been home at all today. So no weighing myself. I'm not sure whether I am happy or stressed about that.
It's probably good that I haven'td myself today. But fuuck. I hate this not knowing. I hate this over-thinking. I hate this anticipation. At this rate, I won't even be home tomorrow to weigh myself. Ugh. I have to eat dinner too... Fuck.
I'm gonna exercise it all off tonight, and I'm restricting tomorrow. Less than 200, excluding liquids. The only liquids I'm allowing myself tomorrow are maybe an otter pop (60) or water. No exceptions.
I know that I need to limit my self harm... I promised Cimiron. So far that isn't really going well. I *almost* can't wait for winter to be here because then I can wear hoodies and long sleeved shirts and it will all be easier to hide. Stupid, I know. But that's the life of a cutter, I guess. For once, I'm actually not repulsed that that is my identity. I'm a cutter, that's all I am. Or one of the very few things, anyways. But I'm not ashamed of that. For once. I hope it lasts..
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Noooo don't let it become your identity :( You are not a cutter, you are a dreamer, a writer, a thinker, a lover, a supporter, a feeler.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could believe you. But I don't see that in myself.
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