24 Hours And Counting Down!!

Yesterday, when I got home, S and my dad said that they wanted to talk to me. I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, but it turns out I didn't do a good enough job. We talked, and S convinced me that my dad was willing to change things or at least talk to me.
Long story short, I dropped all my walls. I sat in my living room staring at my dad with tears streaming down my face, and he more or less rejected me. Again.
So I ran. I left and I ran and I sat in a park for 2 hours crying because why can't he love me?
I've tried so hard to be perfect for him, and he doesn't love me. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. I was so foolish to drop my walls. I would have been just fine if I hadn't dropped my walls, but I did.

My dad is also playing me with the ticket to Amsterdam. 5 days ago, I wasn't going. Then he said I was, and then we fought and he said no. Then last night I mentioned to him that I was going, and he said he would think about it. So I guess I can't really be sure unless I'm on the plane to Amsterdam, but for now, I guess I'll just hope for the best and start packing.

That's the other thing. I'm sooo procrastinating. I've done my laundry, but I haven't even started packing. I took a shower, curled my hair, sang a few songs, but I haven't started packing. xD

More good news? For once.
I was down 2 lbs last night when I weighed myself, and then this morning when I weighed myself, I was down another lb. Which puts me .8 lbs away from my goal for Sep. I'm still really ashamed of my weight, which is why I'm not saying it directly. But it's always going to be too much. Once I reach a lower weight, I'll start mentioning my actual weight, maybe, Just not now.
I successfully averted myself from a binge, and I feel proud. Now to just keep it that way, and keep driving my weight lower.

I had a bit of an intense talk with CJ last night. I confided a lot of things in him which I am regretting right now. But whatever. To each their own, I guess. My fault. Always my fault. Things are a bit better today, but I'm nervous about leaving tomorrow. Because I am going out of the country, I can't take my blades. I can't take my laxatives, I cant take my scale, and I can't take any weed. So... it should be an interesting vacation. We'll see. Because it's a whole different country, that means a lot of different food.
I am going to eat as little as possible for the week or so that I'm there, and I am going to try to maintain as much as possible. I think that hoping for a loss is a bit too much, so I'll settle for maintaining my new weight. I can do this. I will not let him destroy me. He does not control me. I control me.



This is my favorite picture... Perfect.

Beautiful..

I can, and will, do this.