What is recovery??

I can't remember a time when I was ever "Happy" about food, or when I didn't skip meals. I can't remember a time when I didn't wish I looked different, or was happy and okay with my body. I have never truly seen someone who's been in my place recovered so that they are okay with who they are. The people in my life  who weigh a normal weight, and who don't hate themselves day in and day out, still say that they need to lose weight, that they don't like the way they look, that they're ugly. Well I think, if they're ugly, what am I?

I used to eat food like any normal person, and I can't really ever remember when it stopped. I can't remember ever not hearing "You could lose a few pounds" or "That doesn't look good on you." or even "You need to watch your weight; we should go on a diet". I can't remember ever being okay with my body, accepting who I was. I had my good days, yes, but I always thought about what I ate, how to exercise more, and I always hated my body.

My dad used to say when I was growing up, "If you don't like what's being served, then don't eat it." and I knew that if I didn't eat what was served, then I wasn't going to eat that meal. So I skipped meals all growing up. And I skipped meals because I was tired of eating the same food over and over and over. That was also the example I got from my dad. He would say that he was tired of eating the same food over and over, or that he was tired of eating in general. And he would skip meals. But that didn't mean he had an Eating Disorder, no. So it seemed okay for me to do it.

It seems easier for people who have been okay with their body and then developed an Eating Disorder to recover, because they have a right example. They know what it is they are trying to get back to. I've never had that, not since I was 10, and to be honest, I don't really remember much before that age. I remember where I must have been, but nothing specific to that place. And therefore, to me, it's always going to be that I have to think about what I eat, that I can never be okay with my body, with my weight, unless I'm weighing a healthy weight... I mean I know that I'm overweight, so that's okay for me to want to weigh less, but why can't I be okay with my weight?

I've never officially been diagnosed with Anorexia or Bulimia. I diagnosed myself when I broke down and told a close friend what I was doing, and she in turn told her grandma. Her grandma and her both said that I had Bulimia, and that it needed to stop. They tried to help me get better, stop feeling so bad. But it was mostly on my own, since I couldn't tell my dad why I needed to walk with them 3 times a week after dinner. Or why I wanted to eat dinner at their house. So that kinda fell apart. And when I moved to my grandma's, well then it got really hard. I can exercise anytime I want, or not eat whenever I want.

I have my brother now to tell me that it's okay, and to talk to when I need someone and don't want to reach out to a friend. But though I no longer binge, and I try not to purge (Which I've been successful with 98% of the time) does that mean I'm recovered? Because I still get depressed, I still skip meals when I don't feel good about myself, I still cry about my weight, I still weigh myself every day, and the amount of food I eat still depends on my weight. I still want to lose weight, I'm still not good enough, and I still have anxiety after eating, so does that mean that I'm not recovered?

I wish many times that I had a therapist, or that someone could just tell me what the next step is, but the fact is, that requires people knowing about my Bulimia, my self harm, my depression. And I don't want them to. That would take away my independence, my strength. That would cause unneeded anxiety for my family, and besides, I really think I can do this on my own, but only if I know where to go.

I also have resorted to self harm only twice since I stopped over a year and a half ago. Both were resulting of fights with my dad, and the fact that I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone. Both times afterward, I hated myself, refused to talk to anyone about it, lied when I got asked about it. And though there was one person each time that knew the truth no matter what I said, they never did anything. I don't expect them to, that's not their job, but I can't help wishing someone would have looked me in the eyes, and made me tell them about it, and then offered me help. Or even given me an alternative.

As I have said before in this blog, nobody in my life has ever really acknowledged that I was depressed, that I may have needed help. Nobody has ever told me that it's okay to not be okay. Nobody in my life has been where I'm at in any way at all. And in a way, I like that. I don't want someone to always say that, or even to have said it at all. I can see both sides of the spectrum, and therefore they shouldn't need to say it, but I've grown comfortable with having people not caring, or not looking too closely, and I don't want that to change.. I guess the point of mentioning that here, was just that it doesn't seem like anyone ever cared enough to look. I know that I have the ability to lie about things and get people to believe me, but I don't believe that I was that good of a liar. I don't think I want someone to say this, or do this now, because it doesn't really matter, but if it didn't, would I still be thinking about it now? So then I guess it does matter.

Every time someone even brings up the topic of weight, diet, food, or anything similar to it, all I can think about is how fast I can get away, how I don't want to discuss it. But that is supposed to be a "Safe" topic, or so I've read about recovered Bulimics. So again, does that mean I'm not recovered?

I don't even know where I'm going, what to do next, how to be healthy, what to do. I'm just stuck. I don't even know what being "Recovered" means. I mean I know it's different for everyone, but there's gotta be some similarities between each and every one, right? And I will admit, there is a part of me that doesn't want to get better, because I still weigh more than I should, or more than I want to. For me, I've always had the thought that if I weigh what is considered "Healthy" for a 5'8" teenager, then I'd be okay, I'd be happy. But I don't know how to get there, seeing as regular dieting isn't helping. I don't know, some days I can be happy about my weight and how I look, and others, I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror.

I still get really upset over little things people say that they "don't mean", but to me, that's justified. Maybe what I'm wishing for here isn't real. Maybe it isn't something that can be fixed, or achieved, however you look at it. Maybe I'm doomed to this life, feeling this way. But I don't want to be. Some days, I feel like I'm recovered, like I can do it. Like I'm okay. Then other days, I feel like I'm back in square one, and like I might as well just give up the fight.

I keep fighting for "Recovery", and hoping to get there, but I don't know what that is, what my next step is, what I can do, where to go, how to do it. Every day I wonder the same question....

WHAT IS RECOVERY???

Summer!!

Summer has gone by too fast. And though I enjoyed going to Elitches, riding roller coasters, watching movies, hanging out with Cimiron, I wish that it wouldn't end.
This summer has been the best summer I've ever had, and I never want it to end!!!!! I've become carefree over the summer, realized I wanted to be spontaneous, gone to Denver and had a hell of a time, gotten closer to people I almost pushed away, and all in all, made this summer something I will never forget! (: It's great, and I hope this greatness will continue when I start school on Monday. I don't really want to go, but at the same time, it's the most important year of my High School, and the most important step for getting into college!!!!

It's just been a bunch of fun, and I've done a bunch of things I never would have thought I would do. I've become a stronger person, for everything I've done, everything I've lost, and everything I've won. (That rhymed.... whoa.) I loved this summer, have done the best that I can, and I hope that I can continue on that road!

Day 18: A book you could read over and over again and never get tired of

That's easy! I could easily read Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon over an over and over again, without ever getting tired of it!

Day 17: A picture of your celebrity crush and why you like them

I guess if I had to pick one, it would have to be Adam Lambert. I love his music, who he is, just him in general. :D

Day 16: Your highs and lows of this past year

Hmm... that's hard. I guess you could say that there is so many, that it's hard to choose which to put down. Or the most important I guess.

Highs:
1. Starting recovery from Bulimia
2. Getting to spend a summer with Cimiron
3. Not getting a job!
4. Getting to hang with my friends.
5. Dying my hair purple and Blue :D :D :D
6. Getting to be my wild, crazy, immature, spontaneous self!!! (:
7. Getting over my fear of rollercoasters :D

Lows:
1. Still struggling with Bulimia.
2. Cimiron leaving.
3. Not getting a job.
4. School starting again.
5. Getting kicked out of my house.


That's just a few, there's more, but I guess those are the most important ones.

Mistakes or wishes?

Sometimes there's things we want, and we do almost anything to get them. Sometimes they seem as if they're a trick, or an escape from reality? But is that true? And when you finally fulfill it, does it become a mistake or are you still wishing for the next time?

That's hard to determine in the difference. When you do it once, and then you consider it a mistake, but you wish for it to happen at the same time, is it ever really a mistake anymore? Do you really wish for it? Because it can't be both, it's gotta be one way or the other. Its' confusing to try to determine that.

I don't know where I'm going with this... but can something be a wish and a mistake at the same time? How do you determine and handle that?

Guess we can't be doing that anymore, because I'm afraid of messing up some more. It might ruin everything, but at the same time, I'm wishing for it all the same. It's weird.... And I don't think it's possible to have both at the same time...

Day 15: Something you don't leave your house without

I never leave my house without a few things.

• My phone. (In case my ipod dies)
• My ipod.
• Pants.
• A shirt.
• A smile.

These are the things I cannot leave my house without. I have to have my music, because that is what I do. I always have a song for everything in my life, and music is my life. (:

No idea what to say

So far today, I've not had one bad thought about myself, or what I've eaten. I haven't been anxious, or upset. I'm just kind of relaxed. I want to plug in my headphones, sing at the top of my lungs, be happy. I don't care about exercising, how much I weigh, how big I am.

I JUST DON"T CARE!! :D

Today is going to be a good day, and I'm gonna enjoy it. It's pretty nice outside, I might go read, or write a letter to my brother. It is getting easier, to have these moments, and I enjoy every one of them. I think life is better for a recovered anorexic than it is for anyone else... Because they have come out of the darkest place you can be, and they have to learn to be okay with themselves. They accept who they are, where as most normal people still can't. Not saying they're better because they were anorexic, just that they have a different point of view.... One I admire so much. I hope that one day I can beat my Bulimia, and be okay with myself.

And today is the first day of my new life. (:

You and me

"If I was a flower growing wild and free, all i'd want is you to be my sweet honeybee. And if I was a tree growing tall and green, all i'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves."
"If you were a wink, then i'd be a nod, if you were a seed, well i'd be a pod. If you were the floor then i'd wanna be the rug, and if you were a kiss then I know i'd be a rug."

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, still looking up. And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, i'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find. Cuz even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth, we've got a lot to learn, god knows we're worth it."
"I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily, I wanna stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot, to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, Yeah, we got a lot at stake, and in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intend, for us to work! We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn, how to bend, without the world caving in, and I won't give up!"

These songs fit my mood so much :D

Beautifully defeated

Today is not hot, it's around 73 degrees. It rained a little earlier, but now it's just overcast, yet not hot nor cold. It's perfect. It's beautiful.
I was out enjoying the day, I'm thinking about going for a run to just unwind... I just got back from my dad's and I'm so incredibly upset by seeing my room again, I'm practically shaking with rage and defeat. It feels like I lost, that he has everything. And I hate that. I don't exactly want to win, but I don't want to lose. I hate it!!!!! I want my life back, my freedom. I want my room, my stuff, and to not be so angry. But at the same time I want to be here because I want to be relaxed, not upset, to exercise, it's closer to school, etc. How do I win?

I don't know. I wish I did. Or that there could be someone who could point out the next step. Give me a hint. I don't know. I'm defeated right now, or stuck in this limbo. I hate it.

Well I'm gonna take a deep breath, go outside, maybe go for a run before I eat lunch, if I eat lunch. There's not a lot of healthy food around here at the moment, and that's kinda irritating. I just want to chill out, relax. Maybe it'll get better later. I don't really know.

Day 14: Your earliest memory..

Hmm.... That would be hard.....

I guess my earliest memory would be when I was about 5, and we were at my house. I was laying in the living room near a heater, because it was cold. I was building this castle type thing, and I was so proud. I went to put the last block on the top, and it fell over! D:
Hahah now I just laugh about it, but back then, it was the end of the world. I jumped to the floor, and started having the biggest temper tantrum I'd ever had. I was beating on the heater with my fists, throwing blocks across the room, crying, screaming, the whole ordeal. It was horrible, then at least. Now I just kinda laugh about it. (:

That's my earliest memory!

Day 13: A photo of somewhere you'd like to move or visit

I'd love to go to Hawaii.... Or even to New York... Here's some pictures! :D
I've actually visited Hawaii, that's where I got the photos, but i've never actually been to New York. (:

New York!!!

New York at Night!!

Beautiful Beach on Maui :D

Waterfall!! ^ ^

From the side of Mount Haleakala

Crater of a volcano!

MY BEAUTIFUL BEACH!!!!! I will see you again... soon...

No clue what to name this post..

Recently, I've been trying to not focus on the negative thoughts, and i'm mostly succeeding in that. But when I eat, I notice that I get full really fast, and then that's all I can focus on. How i'm full, and how I don't like it. I mean I don't want to be hungry, but just not full. Make any sense? Probably not. And then people look at me weird and wonder if there's a problem when I want to exercise right after that.

Thanks to my full feeling and the fact that I hate it, It's hard to tell if i'm eating enough. Because then I don't want to eat certain things, or they make me nervous. I know i'm not healthy, I've got some weight to lose in order to get there, but i'm trying to do it the healthy way. Any advice? I don't know what I should do. It's weird. And this is totally random.

The other day, I went to Denver with my best friend. It was partly to distract myself from how much I miss Cimiron already, but also because I just wanted to have fun. I didn't think about what I ate, but I wasn't hungry either. I didn't eat breakfast that morning, I woke up too late, but then I didn't eat lunch either. I just wasn't hungry. But I felt amazing yesterday. It was the best feeling in the world to walk around, to be a part of a busy city. And, I will admit. I felt a little reckless. I want to be stupid, but not too stupid. Y'know?

I mean this in the way of trying alcohol, trying pot (which I already did), though nothing heavier, getting lost somewhere, taking a spontaneous road trip, or doing something else that is spontaneous. I don't want to plan, but I don't know where i'm going either.

That's probably really stupid, seeing as i'm only a Junior in high school, but, hey, I've only got a short time before I have to grow up, and I want to take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything that will effect me negatively later, but I want to have fun. So that's what i'm gonna try to do. I just want to be random, and the best way to start that is.... Well there isn't one. Now i'm off to have some fun, and also gotta get up early to take a run. There's a meeting here tomorrow, and I want to be gone before it takes place. And since I got up at 5, after only sleeping for 3 hours, i'm a wee bit tired.

So goodnight!!! Have a wonderful night/day, and don't die!!! xD

Day 12: A photo of the town you live in

I went to Denver today, which is basically where I live, and took a ton of photos. I'll just post a few here for this!! It was a great day with my best friend!!

Robo Man!!!

Free Piano to play!!! :D

This is finally my town! Pretty Clock Tower!!

My best friend riding a buffalo!!

Another year...

Well tonight was my last night with Cimiron.... and now that he's leaving to go back to NY, it hurts worse than I thought it would. I love him so much, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and though I know he will be back, that doesn't stop my tears, or how much I'm gonna miss him......
I just want him to be here, I don't want him to be anywhere else, ever. I know that sounds kinda childish, but I love him with all of my heart... I am in love with him. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and a year seems so god damn far away.....
This summer was amazing, and the best summer I've ever had, but I don't want it to end.... I don't want to let him go, if for even a little while................ ='(

Day 11: Put your Ipod on shuffle and name the first 10 songs that pop up

Well, I'll do what the title says!!! Here it goes!

1. Pirouette by A Loss For Words
2. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
3. Pressure by Paramore
4. Follow The Signs by Born of Osiris
5. One Last Time by My Darkest Days
6. Broken Heart Still Beating by The Darlings
7. Whatever by Godsmack
8. Lost by Within Temptation
9. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
10. Perfect by Simple Plan

Well that's quite a variety of songs, hmm..... Ironically, all from my favorite bands!

Anywhere but here

Today I tried to talk to my grandma about living here, moving in permanently, or at least making a space that is my own. Because my room is the one place that I can be me, completely and entirely. The only place. I know that sounds weird, but I spent about 90% of my time in my room at my dads, all my music, creativity, poetry, books.... they're all there. And with my dad kicking me out, I lose that. I lose the one place I was happiest, second only to nature. But since I don't live around any beaches, forests, or mountains, I can't very well just walk outside when I need to think, and be there.
Anyways, I was talking to her about making a room here on my own, and she said that I shouldn't need to do that, because staying here is temporary. Which is ironic, because I'm here until I turn 18. I can't go back. I need to do what's best for me. I'm afraid of what I might do, if I go back. I'm afraid I might run away, and that would lead to bigger things, worse things. I'm afraid they'd just drag me back, that it would all be for nothing. And I'm also not ready to forgive my dad for anything he said, not for a long while. And I've got nothing but time. I have a year and a half until I turn 18. That's 18 months, 531 days, 12,744 hours, 764,640 seconds, and counting.
At first I thought that being here would help me, because then I can focus on getting better, not that they know about my ED, and I can be happy until I turn 18. But then earlier today, I was eating some crackers and cheese. Like just a little snack, because I was hungry, because I hadn't eaten any breakfast, though I wasn't hungry enough to eat a full meal, and she says "You should start watching your weight again. It looks like you're gaining weight." That just hit me, and I had already told her that weight, diet, exercise, was the one thing I refused to talk about. And she didn't listen. I didn't even have anything to say to her.
When I tried to talk to her last night as well about things my dad says, and how he makes me feel - that he isn't willing to change and I can't take it, she just said that I needed to quit being so stubborn, that I can do my part first and then maybe that would make him want to change. And that maybe that way could get better. But I don't want to be the one to make the first move. I'm tired of being hurt, and I doubt it would work anyways. It feels like everyone is trying to get ME to fix everything, and that though he has stuff he needs to change as well, it's up to me to initiate it. And I don't want that.
I don't even know what it was, but everything about this situation, it just made me burst into tears, and I couldn't even finish eating my snack. I was happy about myself today, I felt good, wasn't counting calories, or how much exercise I needed to do. It was my first taste of "Okay" or "Healthy" and it made me so happy. Then when she made that comment, I just got up, put my snack on the counter, grabbed my ipod, and walked out. I went walking, and I've been walking for the last hour. I just burst into tears, and I hate this. I never cry this much, and it makes me feel weak. I hate it because then I open up to people, and then I feel like they're gonna turn around and throw it back in my face. I don't want to get hurt.
I just want to be anywhere but here. My dad said that he didn't want me back, and now it's starting to feel like she doesn't want me here. I just hate this. I want to be 18 so that I can travel, be on my own. Maybe I could move to NY, and then I could be with Cimiron a little more, but also because I've always wanted to be there. If I'm on my own, then I don't need to depend on anyone, and nobody can hurt me. It would just be me, myself, and I. And I think that's the way it needs to be.

Besides, Cimiron is leaving today, and that makes me really sad. I love him so much, and this summer was a gift that meant everything to me. I can't wait until next summer, but at the same time, I don't want there to be a next summer. Instead, I just want there to be a now. I want him to be here, with me, so that I can be with him. Waiting a year is going to feel like a lifetime, and I don't want to wait. I know that there is nothing that I can do to change it, and I know that I will be okay waiting for a year, but that doesn't mean I want to let him go. It's gonna be hard, and tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend of mine, hopefully to take my mind off it. I just want to be happy, and right now, he's the only thing worth being happy about. The way I see it at least. But I also know that his life is up in NY, and that he had good reasons for moving there in the first place. I know that those reasons probably still apply, and I want him to be happy even if it means that he has to be far away. If he is happy, then I am happy, Well that's my rant for now, but I'm sure there will be more later. I just can't shake this feeling that I want to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. And I don't want to stay there for long, I want to travel, and I don't know. But it's time to get over it, pull myself together, and face the world. Crying about it isn't going to do anything to help me. So here I go....

Day 10: A photo of your favorite place to eat!

Hm.... That's kinda hard to pick.... but if I had to pick, then i'd say RIB CITY!!!! :D

Feelin' better..

Earlier today, we had to go to my dad's to take something to my brother, and as I was leaving, I went to grab something from my room, and I just started crying. I mean I don't think it's fair that my dad can say some horrible things to me, and then I have to lose my house, and my room, because of it. See, my room for me is my only place that I can be me in peace. When i'm anywhere else, it's different. Not that I have to be someone else when i'm out and about, but my room is where i'm most comfortable. I was really sad that i'm losing that, and that it doesn't feel like I belong anywhere, like nobody wants me around. But i'm learning to just not give a fuck about that.... Anyways, when I got in the car to go home, I just burst into tears, and I couldn't stop it, nor could I talk. I just cried.

I don't usually cry, unless i'm beyond pissed off, which is really hard to do. But today, crying like that, it felt really good, and it felt like something in me just got released. It felt like I was able to let go of something, or to start on the emotional walls I need to make for a while. It just helped so much! I felt a lot lighter afterwards, and then I was able to talk to my grandpa about it. 

He said that if I just kept at it, did my best, and made sure my dad had nothing to pick at me for, then he would gradually change. That's gonna have to happen a while down the road, because right now, I've got some healing to do. I need to do what's best for me, and right now, that isn't much. I need school, and the distractions it provides, but I also need to do it so that I can have something to work towards. I'm kinda anxious about school, worried. I don't like to be there, because I don't like people. That sounds really weird... but it's true. It's gonna be another year of awkward lunches, tolerating people i'm not fond of, and immaturity.

But on the bright side, i'm gonna be a Junior!! That means I've got 2 years left and I graduate. Then i'm free, baby!!! The first thing i'm gonna do? ROAD TRIP. And i'm gonna camp all the way! It's gonna be great!! That's something i'm looking forward to. I'm not sure how, or where i'm gonna go yet, but when I do, i'll post it here! I'm hoping to go with a friend of mine, but even if I can't, it's gonna be the one thing I do for me, that is going to make me happy beyond everything else! Now i'm just kinda ranting, but that's what my day has been like - emotionally at least.

It was pretty good, considering. (:

Day 9: A photo of something you ate today.

I wanted something sweet this morning for brunch, which is rare for me to eat, so I decided to make some French Toast! It was very yummy!!!!!! :D I ran out of bread though, so I couldn't make more.... Off to the store I shall head! (:

Day 8: A photo of the item you last purchased

Well as I was walking home, I went to the store and bought Brisk Sweet Tea. Normally I drink Arizona Sweet Tea, but as it says, here's a photo!

It was pretty yummy!!!! (^-^)

Best Day EVER!!!

Yesterday was amazing, mostly because I got to be with Cimiron. But also because I have a new perspective, in that fights I may have had with my dad may have stemmed from anger. I mean, even though he said a lot of things he should have never said, and so did I, that doesn't mean that he meant to push me away and destroy me. I don't think he can be any way else, or that he knows how to deal with it in any other way. And right now, I can't find it in me to forgive him, but maybe down the road, I can.
I know I won't be able to hold the grudge for long, but I can try. I need to focus on me right now, and doing what's best for me. He can wait. But I'm not going to worry about that and let it make everything negative, as it has before.
Anyways, yesterday I went to the park, and we hung out and played around on the playground. Then we went to lay in the grass, and I told him everything. About why I kept holding on to the Bulimia, what happened with my dad, everything. And he did something a lot of people would never do - he listened. He didn't try to offer any advice, not at first. He just listened. That was huge, and when he did offer advice, it was perfect. I had a good time, and it was nice to be able to be with him. Then I watched him kill a bunch of mini dinosaurs, which he hated. I don't understand why, but oh well.
Then he made me dinner! Okay, it wasn't huge, it was soup and bread/cheese sticks. But still, it was really thoughtful and I thought it was kinda sweet.
I got to hang out with him today as well, and it was great! We went to Olde Town, which is kinda this little place with a bunch of shops, it's pretty neat. And then he dragged me into the fountain, which was fun, and we both got totally soaked. I got to push him through it though, and he did have it worse seeing as he was wearing pants. So we walked around for a while until we dried off.
When we finally walked back to my house, we just hung out, and we ate lunch, which was pretty good! Then a while later, we both ate dinner, which was nice! We got to hang out until a little while ago, when he had to go home, but an amazing day with him? YES!!!! :D It's definitely yet another day that makes this summer unforgettable, and while he's gotta leave Friday, for now, i'm just gonna enjoy the time we have left.

That's what i've done recently. Anyone else have anything fun they did? I'd love to hear about it! I can't be the only one here! :D Haha just kidding, but seriously!!

Day 7: A song and photo to match your mood

Hm..... That's kinda tough. I don't really have a mood right now, but wait! Yes I do!

Here it goes!

I can walk on water by Basshunter matches my mood because I feel invincible!!! xD

A picture that matches my mood....

This is what matches my mood right now, because I feel excited, yet peaceful. And if I could EVER go here, then i'd be the happiest person ever!!! It's beautiful!!! :D

Curious??

I know that for the most part I am a new blogger, and I bet a lot of the time I don't make sense in my posts. But oh well, it's more to vent, or to get my thoughts out in a more productive way.

But I know that some people read my blog, which is a great thing! And there are a few of you that have commented on my blog, which makes me so happy, weirdly enough. I love it when people comment on my blog, or they email me, because it's great to know what people think. It is something I value above a lot of things, sometimes.

Anyways, the point of this is, do any of you guys that read my blog have any suggestions as to what would make it more enjoyable, or better, or anything like that? I would love to hear it, because I feel like my blog is missing something, but I don't know what? Anyways, if you would comment below or email me at hugdapuppies@gmail.com with any constructive criticism, that would be great! (:

Day 6: Your Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality?

Well my birthday is February 13th, so that would make my Zodiac sign an Aquarius.
Here's a few things that it says about Aquarius.

Positive traits -

• Friendly and humanitarian
• Honest and Loyal
• Original and Inventive
• Independent and Intellectual

Negative traits -

• Intractable and Contrary
• Perverse and Unpredictable
• Unemotional and Detached

Beneath the detached, unemotional exterior lies a kind hearted friend that will go out of their way to help another. They love to make people laugh and cheer people up and it makes them feel good to make others feel good. They do not expect anything in return for this could put a damper on their freedom, they live with no strings attached. They are very unconventional and always full of excitement, an Aquarius friend always makes life fun. Aquarius tend to be rebels just for the sake of having their own way. Their stubbornness sometimes causes their failure, they will continue to do something their way even though others have proved it is wrong, they are very smart people and know it is wrong but they will continue just because it is their way, they are very fixed in opinion and stubborn when confronted. Despite their stubbornness and fixed opinion, they will never impose their ideas on others, they have respect for everybody's differences. They often question "Why" to everything, eventually leading them to question their existence. They often hold themselves away from people, not trusting their own emotions.

I think this really does fit my personality because as much as I hate to say it, I am emotionally detached sometimes, and though I know what I should be feeling, I don't. I live to help other people, and make them feel good. I am very stubborn, and even if I fail, I won't change my views on most things. If good evidence comes up to the contrary, then I will view differently, but very rarely. I do wonder why a lot..... Haha. I am independent to the extreme - I don't need people and I realize that they will all leave eventually, so I never get too attached. I've been told by a few people that I am honest, sometimes too honest, and that I am loyal. That is what people usually like about me. This is weird, because I've never really looked at what and Aquarius' personality would be like - or I guess I've never put much stock in it. But this is quite interesting, that it's all true. Wow.

Day 5: A photo of yourself 2 years ago

This was me two years ago, and I rather liked it. That winter day, it was snowy and cold, but not too much so that it was unenjoyable. I can't wait for more days like that this winter!!!

Summer memories

I woke up early this morning, as in 3 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. So then I got to thinking, about how this summer is almost over, and how I want to make the best of what summer I have left. And this led me to think about my 2012 top 5 summer memories.. so here they are.

1. Photo day with Cimiron. At first he didn't want to cooperate, but then when I finally got him to, we started having fun, and I got a lot of great pictures to keep as memories for this summer. (:

2. Going to HeavenFest with Cimiron. Although i'm not entirely sure if he enjoyed it, xD, it spawned my love for Thousand Foot Krutch. We got free hugs from a couple people, and i'm not gonna lie, I kinda wanted to make a shirt that said "Free hugs" and walk around with it myself. Haha it was great!

3. Going to Eltiches with A. I'm normally terrified of roller coasters, but I got over that fear recently, and now going to Elitches is a blast! My favorite roller coaster is the Mind Eraser, or the Twister II. My favorite water ride is the giant red one - no idea what it's called. Hahaha (:

4. Dying my hair with a friend of mine, which was difficult. I wanted to dye the top half blue, and the bottom half purple on the top layer, and then do vice versa on the bottom layer. We ran out of dye, and had more than a few complications, but it turned out pretty cool!!

5. All the times that I went places and just hung out with friends. The result? I'm happy, and I've got a wicked tan! It's kinda cool, but weird looking. I'm really enjoying it, because for the first time this summer, i've actually been more of myself than before. Like i'm kinda learning who I am in terms of girlishness, but not in a bad way. If that makes any sense?

So those are my top 5 memories of Summer, from 2012. I hope that I can make more in the next 2 weeks, before summer is over. Do any of you guys have any favorite memories? If so, comment below! I'd love to hear them!

The best way to live life (:

Great Motto!!!

Try to keep this in mind!

Gotta love Bob Marley!!

LOVIN' IT!!!

Pure bliss!

Today I don't have anything to do! I think i'm just gonna lay outside and read or listen to my Ipod. I just want to relax. Wonder what i'm gonna eat for lunch... I kinda want a fruit smoothie!!! Mmm..... Maybe i'll get a chance to make it for myself. I also just want to eat pineapple. Today is gonna be a good day. I am gonna love it!!! It's perfect! I'm in such a good mood!!!

Anyone else have anything fun or exciting they're doing today? Or anything exciting they're looking forward to?? I'd love to hear about that, if you want to comment below!!! I hope everyone has a good day!!

Day 4: Your views on Religion

In my opinion. religion is too controlling. I mean they pretty much tell you what you can and can't do, not in so much black and white, but they do.
Regardless of what you believe, you are going to go somewhere after you die, and I refuse to believe that if you worship a god now, it will impact what you do and where you go after you die.
Don't get me wrong here, I respect what other people believe, if they're religious or not, but I don't personally harbor these views myself.

However, I do consider myself Wiccan, though not openly and outwardly. It's more something I do for myself and by myself, and not many people know about it. Besides, what difference would it make? Most people don't think I could ever be Wiccan, but I guess that's their opinion.

To my family, I just don't follow a religion, since I grew up in a Christian family, and to them, if you don't follow that, then you're on a bad road, and possibly going to hell. It's weird.

Day 3: Your top 5 pet peeves!

I don't really get irritated easily, or rather I don't think I have many pet peeves.
But if I had to choose 5, or name them, hmm.....

I guess my first one would be when people don't use correct grammar. It's so weird, but if i'm reading a book or writing or something, and there is incorrect grammar, it kinda irritates me a little. I have absolutely no idea why, but it does. Weird huh?

My second pet peeve - when you're trying to have a conversation with someone, in person, or over text, and they don't reply for a long time. Then when they finally do, they've already forgotten what you were talking about, and you have to relay the whole conversation back to them. It's stupid! If you wanna talk, then talk! Haha.

My third pet peeve - when people walk slowly as if they have nowhere to go, and you're in a rush. I just don't get it. You have no reason to stand in the middle of the walk way, can't you take your conversation somewhere else?

My fourth - cop outs. Like when you're talking to someone, and they say "We'll go with that" or "Okay." or "Whatever." just so that they don't have to actually engage themselves in the conversation. If you're trying to have a conversation with me, and I say something you don't like, don't just say something to get out of the conversation. Or if you're gonna do that, then at least acknowledge what you're doing. (My boyfriend does this a lot, but I do it back, sometimes. I can't get mad at him for it..)

My fifth pet peeve - It's werid... I don't think I have a fifth pet peeve.... Or at least not one I can think of right now..... Oh well. I tried!

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Again, sorry that this is a little late, I haven't had access to the internet and my phone wouldn't let me post it!

In 10 years, I hope to have completed college and be working as a Forensic Scientist. Science has always been my passion in school, and to work with DNA and stuff? (Like Abby on NCIS), it just seems so cool! I was supposed to start taking classes now to help me with that in college, but I didn't get in.

I'd also like to see myself as playing my violin again. I used to play all the time, but then when I left school, I couldn't get any more music, so I just kinda stopped. I hope that 10 years from now I can be in some sort of orchestra, doing what I love!

The last thing I can think of at the moment that I'd like to see myself doing in 10 years - ENJOYING LIFE!! I don't want to have to worry about everything, and I want to be able to smile, laugh, and have fun with my friends. If you ever lose that, then you lose the point of living. You shouldn't be worrying about everything, instead you should just be having fun!! (^-^)

This is all I can think of for now, but hey, it's pretty good!

Feelin good!

I haven't had access to the internet for a few days, but I did try to post off of my phone. I learned that didn't work. So for right now, I'm gonna have to post what I would have posted on Wednesday, if I'd had the chance.

Today was probably the best I've felt in a while. I went to the mall with A, and we tried on a bunch of dresses, as well as random hats. We took a ride on a train, played glow in the dark mini golf, rode a rollercoaster simulator (Which was tons of fun!!), and just had a fun day. I actually felt beautiful in the dresses that I tried on!
For the first time in over a year, I ate lunch without knowing how many calories were in it, and I didn't feel bad about myself afterwards! After we got tired of being at the mall, we went back to her house and had a relaxing and funny movie night. We watched Vampires Suck, Young Adult, and The Sitter. I loved all of them!
I'm super excited for tomorrow, because I get to hang out with my boyfriend, though he leaves next Saturday. :( I am gonna take a lot of photos of him, so that he can be with me even when he isn't here... Kinda cheesy? I don't care! At least this way I can remember the fun times we had, and make a bunch of memories that I can always keep. Plus, I needed photos for my scrapbook. So I'm super pumped for that, though I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow night, since I have to go home to my dad's, even though he doesn't want me there. I tried to talk to him and ask him if we could try to work this out mutually, He said that he had his set rules and that neither them nor he were going to change.
But even that can't bring me down right now! I'm so excited for tomorrow, and if he's alright with it, I'll post some photos! I know that I will get through this thing with my dad, and that I will find a way to be stronger. It will be hard, and it will take a while, but I know that I can do it!

I never got a chance to post the photos, but i'll definatly put them up soon!!

10 things I love about myself (:

So I know I've been having a really tough time in my recovery, with feeling down, feeling like I'm overeating, which I'm really not, and just negativity in general since a lot of stuff is happening in my life right now. But I thought I'd try to name some of the things I like about myself, to help keep my good mood (^-^) I'll keep updating it as I think of more things, but for now, this is what I have!
So here it goes..

1. I love that I'm so independent. I see people who suffer a lot because they depend on people who eventually leave them, and it leaves them heartbroken. Though it may sound really snobby? if that's the right word, I enjoy that I don't have to worry about that. I enjoy being able to depend only on myself.
2. I love my smile. It's not perfect by any means, and I do have a tooth that goes over my other ones, but I love it. It's crooked, and half the time, I look kinda creepy when I smile (KIDDING), but I love it.
3. I love my attitude. I don't really care about anyone else, though not in a mean way. I mean like the thoughts and things that other people say don't bother me. Most of the time. Usually, I just go by how or what I feel, and nobody else can change that.
4. I love my sense of style - or rather, lack of one. I mostly wear darkish colors, though that's changing. I love skinny jeans, but wear flare jeans, and others too. I love band T-Shirts, or T-Shirts that have really cool designs on them. They make me feel comfortable, like home I guess? Because for me, home is wherever the music is. xD
5. I love my sarcasm. This may sound really odd, but I do. It allows me to joke with people, and make fun of my friends, but in a mutual way. I can't really explain it. It's just like my sarcasm is a huge part of who I am, how I interact with people. I use it when I'm in an awkward situation, or like when I want to break the ice, or get someone to laugh. Either way, it's me and I love it.
6. I love my determination. I love how I can set my mind on something and nobody can change it. I love how when I'm determined to do something, I will stop at nothing to get it done. And usually that takes a while, because I don't really set short term goals. Well I do, but they're all things that take a little while to accomplish.
7. I love my intelligence. I want to learn almost everything and anything that I can, and I won't stop until I absolutely have to. In school, I'm always trying to be as smart as I can, to do things as best as I can, to get as far as I can. I am always trying to be better than I was yesterday, but not to the point that that is all I think about. It's in a healthy moderation, I guess.
8. I love how random I can be. For example, on the first day of school my Freshman Year, I didn't know ANYONE, because I was from out of district. And everyone pretty much knew everyone, because they had all gone to middle school together. So I walked around the school and waved and said HI! to everyone I passed by, brandishing the biggest smile I could make. Why? Because I felt like it. It was just a random thing to do. Another example, is when my grandma took me to the store because they needed a new toilet brush. So we got one, and as we were walking throughout the store, I started using it as a sword and fighting the objects around me. I kept poking my grandma with it. But it made me happy, and despite the weird looks I got, I had so much fun. I even got my grandma to laugh with me!
9. I love my talent for the violin. Or rather, my passion. I don't mean to sound full of myself or cocky, but I love it, I love the way it sounds, and seeing as I've been playing since 5th grade, I think I've gotten good. I mean I can be so much better, because I'm not a prodigy or anything, but I'm not half bad, if I do say so myself. 
10. I love my strength. I don't usually let people push me down, or I don't stay down for long. I try to keep my head up, do the best that I can with my situation, and learn from it. Every hurt I go through, just helps to make me stronger, and i'm greatful for that.

Alive

This is an old poem I wrote a while back. I'm gonna be posting a few more of them, if anyone wants to read them, though generally my poems are a lot happier now.

My wants,
The things I wish for,
Don't matter.
The things I don't want,
The things I wish to keep away,
Come anyway.
I'm tired of wanting things that never come,
Of getting my hopes up,
Just to have them fall.
I'm not sure I know what I want,
I'm not sure I know what to wish for,
Not anymore.
The stress,
The hurt,
The lies,
I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of defying what has to be.
So for now,
Instead of making things happen,
I'll simply be.
I won't leave,
But I won't stay,
I won't ask,
And I won't deny.
For now,
I am simply,
Living.

Day 1: Describe your current relationship.

Well, I have a boyfriend, whom I've been dating for 9 months (The longest relationship i've ever had!!). I am so happy with him, because he knows just how to make me smile when I don't even think I can.
We have a LDR or Long Distance Relationship, seeing as he lives about 2200 miles away from me. I don't get to see him much, only for about 1 month in the summer. But that is by far the best month out of the whole entire year - just because i'm happy with him. He makes me laugh when I don't even think I can, and when I want to do something stupid, because i'm so upset or something, he listens and then does his best to help me. It's great! I love how he is.... Plus, he's kinda odd. His favorite color is clear. (:
A lot of people ask me how I can have a long distance relationship, and my answer is that you just have to trust. Sure, that requires A LOT of trust, but hey, the way I see it, he's worth it. Besides, it isn't like there would me much difference if he lived here. If he wanted to cheat on me or something like that, he could still do it, distance and location aren't going to change that. But I have faith in him that he wont, and I trust in our relationship, that he loves me enough not to. I could go on and on about him and how amazing I think he is, but that would make for a really long post so i'll just give the basics.
I think that being in this Long Distance Relationship, is very helpful because it makes me stronger as a person, such that I can't get too attached to him (i.e. clingy). But it also helps with my trust issues, because I have a hard time trusting people. And if I can trust him so much when he lives so far away, without my knowing everything he does, then that helps to help me to trust people who I normally wouldn't trust.... if that makes any sense?

Untitled

A path,
Though narrow,
Can lead you to the best of places.

A road,
Though familiar,
Can give you unknown faces.

Take a step,
Assess your surroundings,
Breathe the precious air.
Make a mistake,
Heighten your knowledge,
Take just one more step...
If you dare.

Pick a flower,
Notice it's beauty,
It's smell,
It's life.

Change your focus,
Feel the fresh grass,
Notice the fresh breeze,
No longer carried by ice.

Smile,
Pick a flower,
Make a new friend,
Allow all your knowledge,
As well as ignorance,
To bring you to new heights.

And though your journey is far from over,
You have reached somewhere new,
And now it is time to learn,
To experience,
To start anew.

Blank

I don't really know what to name this post, or even if I should name it, but I need to write. It's like this drive that I can't fathom, an addiction if you will.
My dad legit told me not to come back.... I mean I tried to fix things with him, and he told me that they couldn't be fixed, because I was asking irrational things and that I needed to come back down to earth.. Thanks for blowing me off.... And when I told him as much, he basically yelled that he had given me everything and had been working his whole life for me, and that I never acknowledged him, so therefore why should he acknowledge me? It doesn't make sense to me, but if he wants to be that way, then fine. I've tried my best, and done almost all I could. At some point, there has to be a give, and I think that I've reached it..
I don't want to pull away from him, but I'm afraid that's my only option. I guess I'll try day by day, and see where that gets me :D
On a brighter note, I wrote a poem! I used to write all the time, and most of the time it was dark and depressing. It was my way to get out my emotions, though I did have a few good ones too. Anyways, I think I might post it on here later, or at the end of this post, because I really liked it. It expresses everything that I'm currently feeling, but in a way that you can't just look at it, and tell exactly what I'm feeling. Also, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to music and jammin out.! It's pretty great.
So I had a conversation with someone today about how I was feeling, how he kept inspiring me to continue to fight this battle with my ED, and how he inspired me every day to get better. And he said that he would always be here for me, and listen when I needed him. He told me that I'm beautiful, and amazing, and that I was better than this horrible disease that I am plagued with. And you know what? One 30 minute conversation with him cleared away any lingering anxiety that I had today. I took a deep breath, smiled, and  changed my focus to that conversation. It worked wonders. He is the most caring, considerate, kind, human being that I have ever known, and I know he loves me and accepts me for who I am, ED and all. That means so much to me, because with everyone else, I feel like they are just listening to me sometimes, waiting till they can tell me something about them. Like they don't really hear the words I say, and that bothers me sometimes. Sometimes, it's nice to have someone to talk to that isn't going to treat me like that.
I don't really have much to say right now. I am excited for later today, because I get to curl up with a book and my music and enjoy the wonderful rainy day that we are supposed to have. It will be relaxing, and it is a new day where I can start over again, try to eat healthy, and it is also one more day that I can say I survived my ED. And if I look back at all the days I survived when I didn't think I could, then that is one more day I can add to my future.
I think I'm starting to get addicted to writing in this blog, venting my thoughts, documenting my life, my recovery from my ED, things like that. I hope that some day I can look back on it and see what it was like. I never want to get rid of this, because it is proof that I can hit the shit end of the stick, but then still come out on top - or so I hope.
Right now I am listening to Lightweight by Demi Lovato. She is such an inspiration to me, because she hasn't become entirely fake, or caught up in the stuff of Hollywood. She's been through and ED, and she has come out on top, and her music! God, her music is so inspirational, because it's true, and it has meaning. I can actually see how it might be something she wrote out of her heart, versus something that she wrote off the top of her. The emotion she has when she performs live, it's something that you can notice, and something that a lot of other stars lack. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense... Right now, I'm super tired, but again, I can't sleep. There's too much going on in my head.
But I think this thing with my dad, him pushing me away before I'm 18, it will help a lot more. Maybe not right now, as I wish it would, but eventually. It's getting me away from the main triggers of my ED, and it's giving me a chance to start new, to improve and get healthy. I want to keep my relationship with my dad, but right now that doesn't seem to be an option. But I have time, and once I work on me a little bit, then I can go back and do whatever it takes to fix this thing with my dad. I will come out on top of this, stronger than when I went in it. Why? Because I am me, and I refuse to have it any other way. These things are what make me, well me. (:

30 Day Blog Challenge! (:

Day 1: Describe your current relationship. If single, describe being single.
Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years.
Day 3: Your top 5 Pet Peeves.
Day 4: Your views on Religion.
Day 5: A photo of yourself 2 years ago.
Day 6: Your Zodiac Sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 7: A song and photo to match your mood.
Day 8: A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 9: A photo of something you ate today.
Day 10: A photo of your favorite place to eat!
Day 11: Put your Ipod on shuffle. Name the first 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12: A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13: A photo of somewhere you'd like to move or visit.
Day 14: Your earliest memory.
Day 15: Something you don't leave your house without.
Day 16:Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 17: A picture of your celebrity crush and describe why you like them.
Day 18: A book you could read over and over and never get tired of.
Day 19: A current photo of yourself!
Day 20: The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21: A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22: Bullet your whole day.
Day 23: 20 random facts about you.
Day 24: Your favorite movie and what's it about?
Day 25: Something that you miss.
Day 26: If you had $1,000,000 to spend, how would you spend it?
Day 27: Your favorite musician and why?
Day 28: Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 29: A picture of your pets, and describe them.
Day 30: Do you have any saved text messages? I so, who are they from and why do you still have them?

Too many thoughts

Last night I lay in my bed, thinking. So many thoughts were running trough my head that I couldn't sleep. A little while ago, my dad kicked me out. I can't even remember how long ago this was. But laying here thinking, I realized that where I'm staying right now, my grandma's house, this is my new home. I am not welcome back at my dad's, even if I wanted to go there in the first place.
See, he never notices anything I do. Unless it's negative. All I've heard from him is "You could have done ___ better.", "You didn't do ___ right!", "You aren't dedicated enough to do ___", "You ask for everything and give nothing in return.", and numerous other negative things. I do admit that there are probably a few things that I don't do right every now and then, or that I could do better, but I don't want to because it really isn't like it would make any difference. We would just continue the cycle, and I'd be doing more work and trying harder for nothing.
He makes little comments about my weight, saying things like "You don't really have the body for that shirt", "You could use a little exercise", "You need to start eating better and exercising more", or the most offensive one.... "You look pregnant!" They are mostly harmless comments, but I never seem to take them that way. I take them to mean that i'm fat, that I need to lose weight, that i'm ugly and gross. I rationally realize that I have not reason to take them that way, but I do anyways. And when he brings these things up, my defense is to start a fight because that's all I know how to do. I don't want to discuss it, and I know that a surefire way to get him to leave me alone is to fight.
On the one hand, I want my dad to be just that - a dad. I want him to notice the things I do, notice when I need help. I want him to want to be a part of my life - to know who my friends are, at least a little, to know who my boyfriend is. I want him to know how I do in school, little things like that. And even if he can't do that, I want him to want to know me.
A while back, we were talking about something, and he said "I know you. I know when you're happy, upset, excited, angry. I know you." and this just made me laugh because he thinks he knows me? What about when I needed help with my ED?? I still need help with it, but he can't tell. He couldn't tell when I was cutting, never thought to see if I was okay. Now this either means that i'm a really good liar, or he just chooses not to see me. I'm gonna go with the latter. I know that sounds harsh, but that's the way I see it. And that's complicated, because then my knee jerk reaction is that I don't want him in my life. I don't want to need him, I don't want to be weak. I want to be able to do things on my own, to live my life and be okay.
I don't know what i'm going to do once school starts again.. Do I stay here since he told me not to come back for a few weeks at least? Do I go to a place where now I feel like an outsider? Part of me antes to go home - he can't take that away from me because I live there. But the other part of me wants to stay at my grandma's because here I can go for a run whenever I want, I get to do pretty much anything, I don't have to fight with anyone, and I don't have to hear the put downs. This part of me says that I have 20 months till I turn 18, so why not just wait it out? Plus then we don't have to pay the $30 a month to get me to and from school.
I don't know what i'm gonna do, and school is gonna be here in less than 2 weeks. I don't really fit in there. It would be good because it would give me something to focus on and work towards, but then the sick part of my mind says that if i'm busy with school, then people won't notice that i'm not eating, and I can lose weight, and be healthy and beautiful. Finally. It sounds nice.... Nobody watching what I eat? Nobody noticing when I lose weight, and trying to keep it from happening? Yeah, that would be nice. But who do I listen to? The healthy part or the ED part? Can I even tell them apart anymore? I think i'm starting to agree with the ED part... Because it feels like i'm trying to make 8 different decisions at once, and I don't know what my choices are.
It's also August, which means that my boyfriend is going to be leaving soon, and I don't want that... I've had an amazing time with him this summer, making memories and such, but it went by too fast. I just got him back, and now I don't ever want to let him leave again... =/
Another random thought that is on my mind here at... 1:20 in the morning, is that I want to be able to make a difference. Whether that be with child abuse victims, or child trafficking victims, or even going to a place like Africa to Thailand, where they need help, could benefit from it - I want to go. I need to go. I just want to do one good thing for someone, even if it means nothing. Because it would mean something to me. Anyways, I have no idea where I am going with this, i'm tired but I can't sleep, and maybe now that I've puit these thoughts onto paper, I can finally sleep.

Falling to pieces

Not all of my sophomore year was great... and it had it's moments where I just wanted to stop fighting, and run away. Where I didn't think I belonged in the life I lived, and that by being here, around my family, I was being a burden to them. I just wanted to leave, to go make  a life for myself, where I don't have to worry about anyone else, or who I am going to hurt. You see, I have a confession... I have been struggling with Anorexia, and Bulimia for the last year and a half.
I may have gotten better when I stopped the self harm, and changed my focus to other, better things, but in the end, there was still my poor self image, and depression to deal with. Depression is the one thing that runs in my families genes that I am sure I got. And though it may not strike as often, or as severe, at the same time, it seems to hit me in ways that last forever.
The fights with my dad, and the bullying that I had been through caused scars that you may not be able to see, but that I know I will always feel. I have a poor self image, and some days I may be okay with myself, I may love how I look, and I may see myself as others see me... but then other days there couldn't be anything worse, and I hate myself, the way I look. I hate who I am, what I stand for, how I live my life. Odd combination, huh?
Right now I am in recovery, trying to fight this battle with a disease that I hadn't realized I'd had at first. Some days I am winning, but days like now, like today, I don't think I could feel any worse. For me, exercise has never been an easy thing, because I have asthma. And though I don't carry an inhaler with me, when I do strenuous activity, I can't breathe afterwards. And if you pair that with gaining weight, and, lets face it, some laziness, then it makes it really hard to get up and move, to be active. Which then sparks more weight gain, and then more self-hatred and depression.
That isn't the only reason that I don't like to exercise though, and the main other reason is that I hate my body. I don't want to go run in public, because I'm embarrassed. However, at the same time, I don't want to do any exercise at my house because I despise talking to anyone about eating, exercise, my weight, or anything that even relates to that in the slightest way.
I grew up in a different way than most people - my dad was out of work a lot, and he was a single parent,as I have said in earlier posts. This meant that he didn't have a lot of money, and though he tried to do as best as he could for my brother and I, we ended up eating at fast food places a lot. That was what I grew up eating... McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Top - Ramen, etc. This made it really easy for me to gain weight, and with every pound I gained, my self image got worse. I became more and more depressed, and I stopped eating certain foods. I didn't want to weigh any more, not because of what is "Okay" in society, or what people generally go for, but because I wanted to be healthy.
I couldn't talk to my dad about any of what I had been going through, or how I wanted to change what we were doing, because I had heard him say that he didn't have the money for simple things like paying our rent, and getting gas, so how could I even think to ask him to start going to the grocery store and getting healthy food? Because whether I like it or not, food at the grocery store generally costs more.
I felt like a burden at my own house, and the only solution I saw to my problem of wanting to be healthy in an unhealthy place was to eat less and exercise more. Because see, if I ate less, then I would be consuming less of the bad stuff and strengthening my body,as I had hoped to do. But all too soon people were telling me that I was too thin, and asking me if I was okay, because they had seen the cuts. Finally, a good friend of mine told her grandma, and they both tried to work with me to get better. They wanted me to be healthy, but not in the way I was trying to achieve it - by starving myself.
I am better than that, and though I am not recovered yet, not by far, I am taking it one day at a time. For example, today is one of my worse days. I want to just run, I can't really bring myself to eat, though I did have some yummy pancakes this morning... And the sick voice in my head is degrading me and calling me these horrible things. I weighed myself today as well, and I gained 2 lbs.... which kinda caused me to get a little anxious. Don't get me wrong here, I'd love to lose some weight, because I am overweight, but that isn't necessarily my main drive. Anyways, I'm starting to get a little anxious sitting here, and though I know I really shouldn't, I think I am going to go for a run, try to think and calm down a little.
Though I am far from being recovered in my Anorexia or Bulimia, I am slowly getting there and finding ways to accept myself, one day at a time. Here soon I am hoping to start a photo project, and maybe then I can post the photos up here to help me see myself for who I really am, verses who the Anorexic part of my brain thinks I am. I am hoping that doing that will help.
But even if I had the chance, I don't know if I would ever go back to change this, because when I am fully recovered, maybe then I can help people who are going through this as well. I know that something good will come out of this, and that I will be healthier in the end. I just hope I can make it there. It seems like it won't get here fast enough, or that I will never get there at all. But I can't think like that. One day at a time, that's all I need to think of. And I will get there with the help of my best friend A, and my wonderful boyfriend. He is always there to support me,even on my bad days. Tomorrow is a new day, with new things to learn, and I will get there eventually, because I have the strength, I just have to find it. I am me.

Always looking up!

Sophomore year. Things had been getting better. I got the help and support from my friends to stop cutting, which was no easy feat, but I can honestly say that I am glad that I did, and that I would never want to go back to that. But that doesn't mean that everything was cured and that all was well. However, it was better - at least for a while.
What I mean is, in the beginning of my Sophomore year, I was just as I was my Freshman year. Antisocial, nervous, and focused more on academics and school. At least at first. I was taking Honors classes, and even made a few new friends. But I still preferred being on my own, and having my Ipod was perfect. I could just curl up with a book and put my headphones in, and all would be well.
Things had gotten better between me and my dad, and although he continued to verbally abuse me (Making comments about my weight, telling me I could walk more, picking fights, never telling me anything positive, ignoring everything I tried to do, etc.) it was easier because I could just put my headphones in and blast some music and then his words couldn't effect me. I had gotten used to him not caring about the things I did, I had done them for me. I hated fighting with him, the things that he would say to me, and the things that I would say in return were designed to hurt... It never did any good. He would tell me that I was just like my mother, that I should go live with her. I won't tell you what that is about, because it's too personal, but that's just about the lowest blow he could make.
After every fight, I would run to my room, crying, put my headphones in and try to do something to distract me from the things he said. I knew he just wanted to hurt me, and that he was hurt himself. It's the theory of projecting onto someone else your fears, and though I tried so hard to prove to him that I was not going to turn out like my mother, that never stopped it.
So I began venting to the one person I could trust, A. She helped me, listened to me, understood what I was going through. She herself had been going through some of the same with her parents, and we could vent to each other, plan things that we would do once we were old enough to be on our own. We would plan things to do when we could get away from our parents. When we could finally be happy. But I can only take so much of that.. Because see, I have this possibly irrational fear that if I open up to someone they're going to listen while it suits them, but then as soon as they're finished, they're going to turn on me. And if you pair that with the fear I have of bother people with my problems, then you see what that meant. I hated opening up to people, because it was seemingly more trouble than it was worth. So I tried not to do it, and failed. I still try to this day.
I joined Colorguard my Sophomore year as well because it seemed like something fun to do that would help improve my transcript for college. It turned out to me more than that - I loved it. And we had an amazing season. We took first in all of our competitions, except for one, and then in state, we also took first, despite one of the judges wanting to disqualify us for using baby powder. I didn't really fit in there either, or at least it didn't seem that way. But I had a blast, and liked most all of my team!
This was a huge step for me, because now it's given me a new purpose, a love for a sport that keeps me in check, and also the confidence to be more social, though not in a bad way. It's hard to explain, but it's like Colorguard is my life now. It is what's helped me so much, and something I love to do! I finally started learning the rifle, and it's hard and painful, but so much fun!
All in all, this is what's made me who I am, or at least contributed to it. Things may not be the best, but they are getting better, and I realize that if I want anything to change, then I have to make it that way. I can't just sit by and wait for something to come along. Instead, I have to invent it, make it, and follow it. This is what makes me, me. (:

Walking alone

In school, I've always tried to do the best that I could. To be the best at what I did. I'm pretty smart for my age, and I had an insatiable desire to learn. I fantasized about what I would do when I grew up, what great things I would do, how I could help people and make an impact on someone. Just one person, and that would make all the difference. And this gave me a drive until I started High School. Everyone says that those are your prime years, and that that is when you're supposed to discover yourself.
Right before I went into 7th grade, my dad got remarried. I was excited to have a mother. Someone to teach me things, help me deal with all the mean girls, all the drama, help me out in school, teach me how to be who I am - someone to be my role model. And for a while it was great.
I got in trouble like every other teenager, dealt with the drama of who didn't do this right, dealt with the rumors, the gossip, the put downs, being an outcast. I was eager and willing to give her a chance to be the mother I'd always wanted, but that I'd never had. She helped me to know how to do things without being angry when I did them wrong, as it was when it was just my dad, my brother and I. He worked late hours, didn't have time to really be with us kids. That was fine, it seemed to be normal, and I adapted. I got used to being by myself, and learned to enjoy it. I preferred it then, as I do now. But having a mom around was like finding something you had lost and didn't think you'd ever find again. It was great.
Then the summer before 8th grade, she decided that she had had enough of us, of dealing with the shit that we had to go through, because she realized that she didn't want to have two other kids - it was like we meant nothing. We didn't really know as a family how to deal with it, or how to help.
But again, I was the good kid. The one that always had to take up the responsibilities, try to make things as best as I could. Or at least that is the way that I saw it, how I felt.
Some part of me must have known that she wouldn't stay, and that having a mother again was too good to be true. When she left, I think it didn't hurt me as much as it could have, because I had never really let her in. It was really easy for me to pick up and move on, and to get excited about going to High School. that is the time of your life when you are supposed to figure things out, find out what you want to do, and that's when colleges start looking at you. It was something for me to look forward to - a way for me to shine.That was really the only thing that I could control - school and academics.
I was nervous of course about starting a whole new school than I would have gone to before. It meant that the kids I had gone to middle school with wouldn't be around anymore, and that I would get the chance to finally  be who I wanted to be. Anyone.
I had started self harming, and had a low self image by then, but if I acted like I didn't care on the outside, then maybe that would eventually become who I was on the inside. This worked for a while, but the bullying continued. I still had a low self image, I didn't belong, and at the time, it seemed like the only option I had to cope was self harm. Big mistake.
I was invisible to mostly everyone. Nobody ever thought that I might end up self harming. They never thought to check, because I got straight A's, I had goals, I was very driven. I'm a very good liar, and every time someone even suspected it, I was quick to dispel it. Until one day when a very good friend I'll call A caught on, and refused any excuse I could come up with. She didn't want to believe that I was okay, and I have to say that I am grateful to her because she helped me through it. She had no way of knowing why I did the things I did, but she tried her best to help me through my depression. And for a while that worked. I shifted my focus to school, not being social. I was doing the best I could to try to make things easier for everyone else. If I got good grades, then that was one less thing that people had to worry about. I was the good kid. I wasn't too interested in making friends anyways, because people never stick around, and I didn't want to be hurt again. I was having enough to deal with, I was better off on my own. Or so I though. But that couldn't stop what was to happen, it could only break the fall a little bit. I made one very good friend that year, and she still sticks by me to this day. We have our moments where it feels like I'm on my own, or like she's gonna leave and I'll be left alone, but I'm working on that.
Even though I vowed to never let people in again, that didn't stop me. All was good in life, for a while. I had survived Freshman year, and overcoming the self harm that I had suffered with for 2 years helped me become a lot stronger. Though I may never truly forgive myself for that, my scars remind me every day that I can overcome anything. They remind me that even when I had sunk so low and thought I was alone, I came out through it and am a stronger person because of it. I am me.