I ate so much food today, and I felt horrible doing it! It was all such in a short period of time I don't even want to get into it!!! But I wanted to throw up the entire rest of the day, and I would have, if people weren't for them being here. That's what scares me... And then I felt really bad about it and my brother came in and asked if I wanted to smoke weed with him... and so I agreed because for me, when i'm high, I don't feel insecure, and I don't feel bad about myself... That's all I wanted to do... I just wanted og feel beter and since people all have their own problems, I didn't want to make them deal with my own.
And really, I didn't want to talk to anybody, because i'm tired of having people there and have them be nice to me. Does that amke any sense?
Anyways, I got high, and it was supposed to help suppress my appetite, but then something happened and all I can remember is somewhat putting a piece of meat on bread with mayonnaise and then me purging it... I can't believe this and now I can't stop crying and there's nobody to talk to and I hate myself.
That's the biggest thing.... Ic an't believe I purged... I can't believe it... I hate myself for this... How could I .. I was supposed to be stronger than this!!! I don't want to be Bulimic! And now my throat burns.... and I can't breathe because i'm crying so much and I wish I could get help... I thought that I was doing so well.... what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!? I don't even deserve to be here... i'm a waste of space and I hate myself..... I'm so fat.... I hate that I got high, I hate that I lost control, and I hate that I lost control again!!! D: I hate this.... Goodnight everyone.... Fuck this... I'm so tired of this... I can't stop crying,...
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Aw, love I'm sorry to hear that! :( About everything really. A couple of years ago I started smoking weed for fun, because it felt good but after I had my miscarriage I did it so I wouldn't have to feel anything, so I could block out the world for a couple of hours. But sometimes instead of smoking, you can talk to someone! You know I'm always here if you need someone to talk to about anything :) As for purging, well you are stronger than this. Just saying that you don't want to be bulimic is enough to prove that you are. Now that you've done it, it doesn't have to happen again. You won't lose control again :) Everyone has days when they lose control over something and the world spins out of control. For you, that day was today but I promise tomorrow will be better :) Try not to let it get you down love, it'll get better! :)
ReplyDeleteI do talk to people, but then I feel really bad afterwards, because they have their own problems, and they shoulnd't have to deal with mine.... Thank you for being here for me, it means a lot. But if I can relapse once, then what's to say I can't again? I haven't eaten anything today, it's kind of a punishment to myself for losing control.... And I don't want it to happen again.... I hope it gets better... but I hate it... I hate everything about it... I hate myself to a degree...
DeleteHun please don't go all Crazy about this, when i used to smoke weed i would get hungry too and eat alot of food and that posed a problem because as you know only my dad works in this house and at the time is was me Aery and Rusty here so when we all got High we got Hungry, it' was horrible next day cuz Dad would be like *okay who at ethis! and who at what!" yes this is'nt about me but it's similar because well we ate stuff lol, but what i'm trying to say is that it'll be better from now on Hun because you been talking about this September and i think you'll do great. and if you need any help and you need anyone to talk to then you know i will listion to you like i always have, i love you always and forever
ReplyDeleteI get what you mean, and it means so much.. And I know that I can, but the hard part of this September is to not get all obsessed with the exercise and stuff. That would just put me backwards. And sure, I can do good with the physical part of that, but what about the mental part? I don't think I can fix that... At least not any way I know how.
DeleteI am so lucky to have you, because I know you listen, which is part of why i'm so open with you... but this I couldn't even admit to myself... I still can't hardly think about it... I can't believe you'd forgive me so easily... Even though I know you do. I don't know.
I love you too, always. Thank you.
Oh my god. I'm so sorry. But one slip up will not ruin everything you've achieved. The fact that you regret it so much shows how much you've achieved, I still believe in you.
ReplyDeleteGetting stoned always ruins my diets. I have recurring nightmares about eating hot cross buns (they have so many calories) but a few weeks ago I got seriously high and ate two hot cross buns with calories. It always makes you mess up, but don't feel bad because you were high. It's a legitimate excuse. You've come so far, don't let one slip up knock you down.
Email me any time and I'll support you.
I hope you're okay now. Take care.
It feels like it's ruined everything. But I can't let it. Thank you for still believing in me. It means a lot. Being high is not an excuse, but that doesn't mean anything. It happened, I can't really change it. I can't let the one slip up knock me down, but I don't know how to stand back up either. I will definitely email you, it means a lot to have your support right now. Today was so hard. I'd love to talk to you, I should send an email soon. Thank you so much. (:
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