What is recovery??

I can't remember a time when I was ever "Happy" about food, or when I didn't skip meals. I can't remember a time when I didn't wish I looked different, or was happy and okay with my body. I have never truly seen someone who's been in my place recovered so that they are okay with who they are. The people in my life  who weigh a normal weight, and who don't hate themselves day in and day out, still say that they need to lose weight, that they don't like the way they look, that they're ugly. Well I think, if they're ugly, what am I?

I used to eat food like any normal person, and I can't really ever remember when it stopped. I can't remember ever not hearing "You could lose a few pounds" or "That doesn't look good on you." or even "You need to watch your weight; we should go on a diet". I can't remember ever being okay with my body, accepting who I was. I had my good days, yes, but I always thought about what I ate, how to exercise more, and I always hated my body.

My dad used to say when I was growing up, "If you don't like what's being served, then don't eat it." and I knew that if I didn't eat what was served, then I wasn't going to eat that meal. So I skipped meals all growing up. And I skipped meals because I was tired of eating the same food over and over and over. That was also the example I got from my dad. He would say that he was tired of eating the same food over and over, or that he was tired of eating in general. And he would skip meals. But that didn't mean he had an Eating Disorder, no. So it seemed okay for me to do it.

It seems easier for people who have been okay with their body and then developed an Eating Disorder to recover, because they have a right example. They know what it is they are trying to get back to. I've never had that, not since I was 10, and to be honest, I don't really remember much before that age. I remember where I must have been, but nothing specific to that place. And therefore, to me, it's always going to be that I have to think about what I eat, that I can never be okay with my body, with my weight, unless I'm weighing a healthy weight... I mean I know that I'm overweight, so that's okay for me to want to weigh less, but why can't I be okay with my weight?

I've never officially been diagnosed with Anorexia or Bulimia. I diagnosed myself when I broke down and told a close friend what I was doing, and she in turn told her grandma. Her grandma and her both said that I had Bulimia, and that it needed to stop. They tried to help me get better, stop feeling so bad. But it was mostly on my own, since I couldn't tell my dad why I needed to walk with them 3 times a week after dinner. Or why I wanted to eat dinner at their house. So that kinda fell apart. And when I moved to my grandma's, well then it got really hard. I can exercise anytime I want, or not eat whenever I want.

I have my brother now to tell me that it's okay, and to talk to when I need someone and don't want to reach out to a friend. But though I no longer binge, and I try not to purge (Which I've been successful with 98% of the time) does that mean I'm recovered? Because I still get depressed, I still skip meals when I don't feel good about myself, I still cry about my weight, I still weigh myself every day, and the amount of food I eat still depends on my weight. I still want to lose weight, I'm still not good enough, and I still have anxiety after eating, so does that mean that I'm not recovered?

I wish many times that I had a therapist, or that someone could just tell me what the next step is, but the fact is, that requires people knowing about my Bulimia, my self harm, my depression. And I don't want them to. That would take away my independence, my strength. That would cause unneeded anxiety for my family, and besides, I really think I can do this on my own, but only if I know where to go.

I also have resorted to self harm only twice since I stopped over a year and a half ago. Both were resulting of fights with my dad, and the fact that I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone. Both times afterward, I hated myself, refused to talk to anyone about it, lied when I got asked about it. And though there was one person each time that knew the truth no matter what I said, they never did anything. I don't expect them to, that's not their job, but I can't help wishing someone would have looked me in the eyes, and made me tell them about it, and then offered me help. Or even given me an alternative.

As I have said before in this blog, nobody in my life has ever really acknowledged that I was depressed, that I may have needed help. Nobody has ever told me that it's okay to not be okay. Nobody in my life has been where I'm at in any way at all. And in a way, I like that. I don't want someone to always say that, or even to have said it at all. I can see both sides of the spectrum, and therefore they shouldn't need to say it, but I've grown comfortable with having people not caring, or not looking too closely, and I don't want that to change.. I guess the point of mentioning that here, was just that it doesn't seem like anyone ever cared enough to look. I know that I have the ability to lie about things and get people to believe me, but I don't believe that I was that good of a liar. I don't think I want someone to say this, or do this now, because it doesn't really matter, but if it didn't, would I still be thinking about it now? So then I guess it does matter.

Every time someone even brings up the topic of weight, diet, food, or anything similar to it, all I can think about is how fast I can get away, how I don't want to discuss it. But that is supposed to be a "Safe" topic, or so I've read about recovered Bulimics. So again, does that mean I'm not recovered?

I don't even know where I'm going, what to do next, how to be healthy, what to do. I'm just stuck. I don't even know what being "Recovered" means. I mean I know it's different for everyone, but there's gotta be some similarities between each and every one, right? And I will admit, there is a part of me that doesn't want to get better, because I still weigh more than I should, or more than I want to. For me, I've always had the thought that if I weigh what is considered "Healthy" for a 5'8" teenager, then I'd be okay, I'd be happy. But I don't know how to get there, seeing as regular dieting isn't helping. I don't know, some days I can be happy about my weight and how I look, and others, I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror.

I still get really upset over little things people say that they "don't mean", but to me, that's justified. Maybe what I'm wishing for here isn't real. Maybe it isn't something that can be fixed, or achieved, however you look at it. Maybe I'm doomed to this life, feeling this way. But I don't want to be. Some days, I feel like I'm recovered, like I can do it. Like I'm okay. Then other days, I feel like I'm back in square one, and like I might as well just give up the fight.

I keep fighting for "Recovery", and hoping to get there, but I don't know what that is, what my next step is, what I can do, where to go, how to do it. Every day I wonder the same question....

WHAT IS RECOVERY???