I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Monday, October 14, 2013

Is Anyone Still Out There?

I don't even know where to start. I guess I owe anyone still reading this a proper update.

School: Currently I am not doing too well, or at least I wasn't. I kind of pushed school out of the picture. I had a research proposal due in one of my classes. I wrote it, and then it got deleted. I was willing to pay someone to write it for me, because it was literally the difference between passing and failing that class - but both of the people I asked backed out. So I came to the conclusion that it would be better if I dropped out of school instead of not graduating with my class. But I talked to some people and we figured out that I'm dropping that class at the end of the semester (so at the end of December). Knowing that, and knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about the paper, took a huge load off my shoulders. Instead of that class next semester, I'll have about 6 classes to finish getting all the credits I need to graduate. I'm not worried though, I know I can do that. Otherwise, I've just been trying to keep up on school and do the best I can.

Food: Has been shitty. I have absolutely nothing redeeming to say about it. I've not lost any weight since the beginning of October, and it's fucking horrible. But I'm changing that. Now. Today was a really good restricting day - and I hope that I can keep it up. I was going to do the Skinny Girl Diet with a friend, but it doesn't feel like a good time to do it right now. I'll do that for November, even with Thanksgiving. I will not plateau any longer.

Everything else: Is chaotic. I have SAT and ACT's to study for, which I take both of them in January. I have colleges to apply to on Friday, which has me stressing out. Since I decided to drop the other class I was taking, I don't know what I want to study in Uni anymore. So as a result, I no longer have any idea where I want to apply to school. Ugh.
But I'm thinking of going to a community college first, to get my basics out of the way, and then taking a few classes that I'm interested in to hopefully find something I want to do for the rest of my life. The only problem? My all or nothing view. I pinned everything I had on Forensic Science, and now that I'm not taking it anymore, I don't know what interests me. I don't know where to apply to, or what to go to college for. That has got me in a sort of panic, but I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and breathe. I can do this. I will make something of my life.
My boyfriend is starting to doubt that I will be able to stay with him in the future, and to be honest, I don't know if I can guarantee that it will happen either. I don't want to stay tied down to one place, but I am happy with him. I guess I just have to see how it works out - and trust that it will all work out go with it.

That's pretty much all that's been up with me, other than trying to stay afloat. To not get lost in the large sea of life. I know I told people that I took this down... but now that it's back up, I guess nobody wants to read it. Or it doesn't seem like it anyways. I will admit, I miss people reading my blog - I miss all the amazing people I had met because of it. But there isn't much I can do about that, other than just be. Oh well. (:

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