Reality Check?

November is right around the corner, and it's coming whether I want it to or not. There is no stopping, there is only powering through until I reach the end.

I got a reality check today, because everything that I've been trying to block out hit me today, and there is no more denying it. No matter how much I might want to.

There are 104 days until I turn 18.
There are 204 days until I graduate from High School.
There are 296 days until I go to college.
There are less than 30 days to get accepted into a college, which I haven't applied to yet.
There are less than 30 days to figure my future after high school out.

Where am I going to go to school?
Where am I going to live?
What am I going to go to college for? Where?
Where am I going to get a job at?
Will I even graduate High School?


Right now, everything about my future is up in the air. I used to think that I knew everything for certain. But now I just don't know anymore. So many things have changed, and so quickly too. I've barely had time to actually think about it and understand it. My future is a bit dependent on how the rest of this semester goes, because every moment affects the future. I can't just say that I'll figure it out when I get there, because I don't want to get there and then not have a backup plan if needed.

I don't do well with spontaneous decisions because I don't like not knowing how things are going to go. I don't like not having goals to work towards. I've been trying to feel like I haven't failed myself, but it's hard. It's hard not to feel like I'm letting people down, or giving up.

Today has been a reality check for me, but I'm not sure if it's a good one or not. It's just left me with a lot of anxiety, fear, and panic. I don't want to think about any of it, but I know I have to. I just wish I knew where to go from here.