I was doing SO well today. God, I was doing so well. My intake had been NOTHING, and I was strong.
Then I came home, and I was told that I had to join the family for dinner. *que panic attack*.
I am 1 lb away from my goal for October. Fuck me.
So.... I fucked it up. I ate a little pasta that had some type of sauce on it, and a little bit of a hamburger.
The damage?
500 cals.
500 mother fucking calories that I DID NOT NEED. I took laxies after, but I failed. I am so mad at myself right now. Unbelievably mad, because I was SO CLOSE and I fucked it up.
I'm honestly doubting that I'll see a good number on the scale tomorrow. The only good number is 1 lb down. Fuck, I'll probably gain.
I am so mad. Livid.
I walked a lot today, but I doubt I burned 500 cals. Probably more like 200.
So that puts my net at like 300.
I find it so funny that I resisted pizza, cake, cookies, chips, popcorn, soda, and everything..... Just to eat PASTA. Ugh.
So... Fuck it. I took the laxies, and now I'm going to bed. I guess all I can do is pray for a lower number tomorrow morning. I'm not hoping though, because I don't deserve it. Five-hundred calories of shit. None of it was even remotely healthy, and I shouldn't have eaten.
Leave it to me to fuck myself over. I ALWAYS do. Why? Because I'm worthless.
I do not deserve food. Food is earned.
I guess I can only wait for the numbers to tell me..
Happy Halloween, Everyone.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
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