What has my life come to?
Nothing.
Just that.... Nothing.
I smile, pretend to laugh, pretend to give a fuck.
All the while, sitting here.
I promised myself and one other person that I would wait until April 1, 2013. I could explain why, but that would make me somewhat of an asshole.
I promised that I would try to find something or someone to connect to, in that week. Technically 8 days. But now it's 7 days, and every thing I do only cements my decision more.
I don't know why I'm writing this out. I think it might help me to stay here. To help me keep that promise. April 1st. If by then, nothing has changed, then I guess that's that.
Don't bother trying to change my mind. It would just be a waste of your time. You can't change my mind. I can't bear this much pain, and I am tired of trying to pretend that I can. It isn't worth it, and I'm giving up.
Hear that?
I.
Am.
Giving.
Up.
But please, just remember me for who I was, if you knew me/ Don't forget.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
It breaks my heart to hear this and I truly hope you see it IS worth it. Maybe not today or tomorrow or in a year, but it will be.
ReplyDeleteI need to find something to keep me here. I need to find something to hold on to, something that I can reach. It would be great if that was a person, but fuck. Nobody can understand exactly what's going on in my head, so how can they help?
DeleteAll I hear is.. 'It will get better". But it isn't. And there's only so much time I have..
You are the keeper of the time. You set the deadline. You can decide to push it back. I'm sorry if I'm annoying you by trying to change your mind. But honestly, what good will death do for you? You don't know what's on the other side. No one does. What if it's worse? I know you know life WILL get better eventually. But you don't know shit about death. Sounds too risky to me.
DeleteAt this point nothing sounds too risky. I am up for anything, because anything seems better to me than life. You say it will get better, but I don't know that. So it's the unknown either way.
DeleteI am so very sorry you are feeling this. No, not in that "I have to say something" sort of sorry, but I am honestly sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I don't know how much this means to you, but I am praying for you with all of my heart. Like Eve said, I truly hope you see the worth of your life.
ReplyDeletePlease don't. Don't hurt or cry for me. I don't want to hurt anyone... I don't want to hurt you..
DeleteI am trying, but I can't make any promises.. X
I'm hoping that too. I'm speechless and that doesn't happen very often, I wish there would be something I could do.
ReplyDelete<3
I am trying...
DeleteIt isn't easy, nearly impossible..
But I don't have anything left to hold on to.
I need to do something, and this is my choice... Thank you though. Xx
I hope you make it through sweetheart. I don't know what to say, but my heart is aching for you. Please know that you're in my thoughts. I'll be wishing and hoping to see you post each day. Sending you a massive hug <3 xx
ReplyDeleteThank you. Xx
DeleteI guess we all will see, myself included, right?
Something changes everyday. Small or large. Why not wait and watch it?
ReplyDeleteNothing changes. If anything were to change, in a GOOD way, then I wouldn't be where I'm at right now, would I?
DeleteBut you are here right now, aren't you? At this moment you are alive. So something changed for the good at some point to have brought you here. Something will change for the good again. It's inevitable. What goes up goes down and then it goes up again. Life.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with EDYbooo8, you need to understand that this is just life. Don't give up now, you are young and have worlds of opprotunity ahead of you. Just because it's dark now doesn't mean the sun will ever shine. And she's right, you DON'T know what's on the other side. Right now you should treasure life...it's a gift. Not everyone gets a chance to live it.
DeleteBut for the longest time it's been down, and i've been waiting for it to hit rock bottom. But everything just seems to be getting worse. So I can't really do much. In rality, nothing has changed.
DeleteCould you tell your dad before you do anything? Just him? Please?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you promised to wait at least til April 1. And I hope you can wait even longer.
No. No telling my dad. No telling anyone. Ever. I can't. I'm sorry.
DeleteI don't know what i'm going to do right now. It's all just a jumble, But thank you. Xx
If you wanted to be gone then you would be, pure and simple. You wouldn't be waiting around, no matter what the reason. You know it's the truth.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to tell you what you're going to do.
You are going to be strong. Life is not a walk in the park, for anyone. Everyone works hard. If you fall down, you have to get back up eventually. To me, you are at the very, very bottom right now but the good thing is this: there's no where to go but upwards.
You say that you can't see that life is going to get better but is that the truth? A week is not enough to allow change. It's that simple. Do you think life is going to stay like this forever because it ISN'T. It might be if you were WILLING to let it change but I don't think you are.
You're holding onto something and you need to let it go - whatever it is. Ana, maybe. I used to talk to a girl who wanted to travel and do all these great things. She used to love life and had we would talk about our plans for summer and for college. Where did she go?
Don't give up. Ever. You said that nothing sounds too risky - so try life. Just one more time. Please.
You say that life is going to get better. But I don't think it is possible. Maybe it's just my pessemistic view, but this just seems to be my natural view. And I don't think I can get back up. I keep telling myself that i'm going to keep tryin, and that things are going to get better. But I just can't think that anymore. It doesn't seem possible.
DeleteYou have a point about what you talk about and how it affects your life. But talking about it helps me to remember what I want to achieve. Without it, without that sense of direction, I don't think I have anything left.
I'm trying to consider giving life a try, just one more time. But I need something good, anything, to happen first. Just one thing. Even if it's small.