I've started actively seeking out ways for me to self destruct.
I want to be as bad as I can be.
I still have some limits, but I think I like self destructing.
It's actually legit.
Last night I got so high, and it was nice. I didn't have to think, I didn't have to be sad, or over analyze. I could just be. Then woke up this morning, to find out a friend of my dad was going to stay here for a couple months, so I had to spend the whole day helping her unpack, which took away my day to do all my work and get caught up. And now I have so much anxiety that she's here and that I have to be extra careful now. I am paranoid about so many things related to her.
What if she finds my laxatives, or sees how much I don't eat?
What if she smells the weed? Cuz I know she'd tell my dad.
And I don't need to smoke, but it's nice. To not be able to think.
I hate this.
I hate her. I can't believe she wants to move in here and I didn't know because my dad is out of state working right now. Ugh. I just get so mad when people do things like this.
I guess I just have to tolerate it.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Just try to take it in stride dear.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I know it helps you stay calm, but just be careful that you don't fall into using substances to cover the problem. It's not a good habit to fall into.
Make a list, try to do some breathing, stay calm. You don't need to self destruct yet. :P
Hugs
Thanks.
DeleteI know, I don't smoke that often, and it's not a habit. It just feels nice. Takes the edge off everything.
I'm not sure about the self destruction thing, but thanks.
Xx