I am me.

I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.

But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.

My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.

This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!

Monday, March 11, 2013

I swear this lady who moved into my house is like a ninja...
She's a friend of my dad's. She divorced her husband, broke up with her other boyfriend, and needed somewhere to stay. So my dad told her she could stay here. And of course he didn't tell me until like 4 hours before she came. So I got no warning.

So earlier I was smoking weed, (I left school because I couldn't deal, came home and smoked a bowl) and she came home with her son, who's 17 like me. So I had to rush to hide it because she'd freak, and then ever since that, she's been watching me. Like I feel like she's staring at me.

She was watching me when I got loads of anxiety when she said we were having dinner together. I kinda freaked, and a few of my habits came out. Or at least she noticed I wasn't right. I feel like she's constantly staring at my body, like to see if there's something wrong with me. Like she senses Ana.
Earlier too, while I was cutting, she knocked on my door to ask me about the dogs. I can understand why she asked what she asked about my dogs, but her timing freaks me out a little bit.

And she's cleaning my house. Like seriously???
Who are you to come into my house and clean it because it's messy??!! It isn't her house, and she's making me feel like a fucking horrible person, like I constantly live in filth. Which I don't!! But I so could have done it. I hate when OTHER PEOPLE COME INTO MY HOUSE because they always think it's their house, and they're always trying to fix it like the way I live is problematic. Fuck them. It's my house, and if you don't like it, get out.

Besides, I don't trust this lady. I don't trust her at all. She's never done anything to give me a reason I shouldn't trust her, but something about her makes me not want to trust her. Could it just be my fear? Either way, I can't wait until my dad gets home. Then she'll be preoccupied and won't be focused on me and my food habits. I just want her to leave... But I guess she'll be here for a few months, so I guess I have to get used to it..
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6 comments:

  1. AnonymousMarch 12, 2013 at 5:19 AM

    yeah i know the feeling of someone comming into your house and kinda taking over yeah their trying to help fair enough but it makes thing uncomfortable. and with the paranoia weed can help contribute to that so keep that in mind but it also helps loose weight which i think is pretty kewl. you can get substances for weed which aparently has the same high without the added paranoia ect but it don't help lose weight

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    Replies
    1. J (:March 12, 2013 at 1:22 PM

      Yeah, I don't smoke much. It was just that my dad was going to be away, and I wanted a break. It does give you paranoia, but normally I don't have paranoia. Just this lady..
      And the weight loss is an added bonus. (:

      Delete
  2. Emily AnonymousMarch 12, 2013 at 10:00 AM

    Well that's not a good situation.
    So wait, is she the only one living with you or is this guy as well? I hope you can find a way to cope.

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    Replies
    1. J (:March 12, 2013 at 1:23 PM

      Yeah, it's stupid.
      Right now, living in my house is this lady, her 17 year old son, and then my dad and I.
      I'm trying to find a way to cope... but I hate that I have to be careful with her. My dad just basically ignores me, so I don't have to hide as much. But with this lady, well I do have to hide, like EVERYTHING.

      Delete
  3. Journey to MeMarch 13, 2013 at 10:23 AM

    You're right to feel the way you do, but also try and look at the situation from her point of view. She could feel guilty at intruding on your space, and thinks that by doing stuff like the cleaning she is being helpfull and less of a hassel (better that than her making a huge mess all the while).

    She also might have had the same problems when she was younger and notices the signs, you never know. x

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    Replies
    1. J (:March 13, 2013 at 12:45 PM

      That's a good point... And I guess that it is better for her to help clean my house than it would be if she was making more of a mess. But I just feel so guilty for it.
      I really hope she didn't have the same problem with Ana when she was younger, I don't want her to see it in me, or tell my dad. I don't want to give up Ana. Xx

      Delete

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