I feel like I try so hard to be happy.
To smile, laugh, help everyone.
But then here, I'm always so negative.

I have this constant feeling of hatred and anger, and hurt inside of me. I know it's not good to hold on to it, but I feel like that's just my normal emotion. Things haven't been that good lately. Or maybe they have. Yesterday during my class, I had a panic attack and I ended up running out of class. Needless to say, I made an exit (without meaning to) and I didn't go back.
Every day, more and more work gets piled on me and I fall farther and farther behind. I'm trying to do the work and get caught up, but at the same time, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. My dad had to leave for work yesterday, out of state. So I know he'll be gone for at least 3 or 4 days, which means I can fast. He left me like $100 for food.... and I don't intend to barely touch any of it. The only thing I'm buying is diet soda. I have to do this.
I don't have guard Saturday, so I have Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to catch up on all the work. I have to do it. I can't go another week with all this work. (That's also what I said last week xD). I'm so sorry to everyone - for being so mopey.
There's a girl named Eve and she said in one of her posts, that there is no use talking about things that you can't change. Like emotionally. Why talk about your emotions when you can't change them? I wish I could be like that. I have this image in my head of who I want to be, but it's exactly who I'm not. I want to be strong. I want to be independent, where no matter how bad things get, people would never know. I want to be closed off, as in nobody knows me. Not really. I want to be that girl that you're friends with, and you know she's strong, she'd do anything for anyone, but you really don't know anything specific about her. Does that make any sense? That is how I picture strong - that is who I want to be. But I don't feel like I am. I had a friend, once, who told me one time that I need to stop trying to be the hero. I need to stop pretending that nothing bothers me, and that I'm superman. Like I can do anything, and I'm emotionally unreachable. She told me that I need to let people in, and let them help me. I got so happy over that comment. Just knowing that someone saw me that way, made me happy. Because that is who I want to be, so much. I guess maybe it's true that you don't see yourself as others see you. I know I sure as hell don't.

I don't feel validated, for anything I do. If I'm angry, then that's fine. I can be angry, it doesn't matter who I'm pissed at or what I'm pissed about. I know that i have a right to be angry. But if I'm sad, or upset, or depressed, or I want to cry, then I don't feel validated. If I need help, I feel like I'm weak. If I try to talk about anything with most people, I feel instant guilt. No matter what I'm talking about or what the other person says to reassure me, it's always instant guilt. If I ask someone to do something for me, I'm immediately going to wonder what I can do to make it up for them, because I'm making them go out of their way for me.
Money is a big thing for me. I'm so bad at accepting gifts, because I have always been taught that it's greedy in a way to want things. That if I want something, I have to earn it. If someone buys me something, I have to pay them back. I can think of plenty of examples which would cause that to be ingrained in me that way. Thanks to my family.  But on the flip side, I don't actually think they meant to do it. I don't think my dad meant to make me feel guilty every time I needed something from him. I don't think they meant to push their problems on me, as a young child. But they did. And I smiled and took it anyways.
I refuse to be anything less than strong. I refuse to need help, or to admit I need help. Deep down, I think that I never will be able to. I want to be strong.
My mom was an alcoholic when I was a child. I remember the flashing lights from the cop cars that were there to pick my brother and I up. I couldn't have been older than 7. So all the time before that, that's where this memory is. I remember one time, my brother and I were told to go to the police station, and to stay there. That my grandma would pick us up, that we would be safe. I remember my mom screaming and throwing things, my dad trying to protect us. My grandparents trying to get us away from danger. I remember when I was younger, but older at the same time, like 8 - 11, I would scream at my dad that I hated him. If we got into a bad fight, then he would threaten to place me in a foster home, or make me go live with my mom. It scared the living shit out of me back then, the thought of being forced to live with her. I remember the countless visits with Social Services, and the supervised visits with my mom. Eventually, after so many promises of "I'll quit for you" and "It will all be okay".... I stopped wanting to see my mom. I stopped caring. I shut my emotions off, and moved on. She was nobody to me. I remember that my dad used to count on me to clean the house, and do chores. Not chores that were over my age limit, but keeping the house clean, doing the dishes, feeding my brother and myself. Basically doing anything and everything that was possible for me, so that he wouldn't be stressed. In many ways, I grew up then. I wasn't a kid, I was much like an adult, or a house wife.
These are the memories I have of my childhood. To me, really none of it was traumatic. But at the same time, I get so angry thinking about it. That's the only major event in my life. So my emotional distance has to come from that. The sense of weakness vs. strength that I believe with every part of myself, had to come from that. It only makes sense.
I think that my life has been so filled with hatred and sorrow, that I find it almost impossible to find happiness. My dad lives in anger and hatred. Everything he feels, it's anger at the world, at not having money, at needing help. He gets mad at people for things they do. But I have never really seen him happy. The only time I would ever describe my dad as "happy" is when he was married to his 2nd wife. Before they got divorced. I'll admit, he has kinda gotten the shit end of the stick for the majority of his life, from what I can see. But I don't think he thinks he can be happy. That anger and sadness passes on to me, and I begin to feel that way too. I used to be happy, or maybe I was just really good at faking it. The only time that I really feel happy, is when I'm with Cimiron. But then when I'm on my own, all the thoughts of how stupid I am, how he's going to leave eventually because I'm a teenager and this is teenage love come back. I mean, I'm 17. Who has a love at 17 and actually marries them? He says he's not going to leave, but I can't believe that. I want it, but then again, right now I spend the majority of the year 2200 miles away from him.  If I end up going to college somewhere in NY and I get to spend more time with him, what's to say that we wont start falling out of love or fighting, or for some reason we won't have to end the relationship? Due to the fact that he's really the only person I can be happy with, or am happy with at the moment, what happens when he's gone?
I'm preparing myself for this. I have to. I don't want to feel the loss that I know will come eventually. I don't want to know that weakness. I used to have this mindset, that people were there to help you grow, and that they were all range of things. But I never got attached to them. I never go dependent upon them. Because to me, dependency means weakness. But as much as I'd love to deny it, I do depend on Cimiron, in a way. I love him so much, and I don't know what I'd do without him. I kinda want to change that, but at the same time, I don't. The last time I talked to him was exactly 7 days ago. I understand that part, because with my grandpa being in the hospital and all this crap with my family, it's been hell. But in another sense, I don't know. I could talk to him if I wanted. All it takes is a push of a button.
What's stopping me? I keep making excuses, saying that something is in the way, life is crazy, my family needs me, I have school to tend to first, etc. But I can't help but wonder if there might be another reason? Based on what I said, could it be that I am trying to distance myself from him? I decided a while ago that I was going to stop telling him about my ED, and that I wasn't going to involve him in that anymore. And that if he asked, I was going to outright deny that I ever had an eating disorder. I was going to be happy, and not let him see that part of me. Not that he's asked about it, or anything. It hasn't come up in conversation. Honestly, these long distances between talking to him, worry me. It would be so easy to blame life and school, but it's also true that if he wanted to talk to me, then he could just as easily pick up the phone and call me too. It doesn't have to be me that initiates it. I don't know. I want to blame myself for everything, but I know that if I do that, I'll never let it go. I still blame myself for a lot of the things that I've done in the past, and I still punish myself for them all. Some I might be okay with, but at the same time I never forgive myself for them. I never forget that it happened, or that I did it.
I guess it's true what they say. "You are your own worst enemy." Nobody else can expect me to be more perfect than I expect myself to be. But yet somehow it happens.
I guess the point of this is, I don't know how to be happy. All I know is his state of numbness, anger, hatred, and strength. If I lose any of that, then I lose myself. And I feel like I am all I have left. Acceptance is a difficult thing, and I can accept anyone for almost anything, but I can't accept myself for who I seem to be.